Vagin of the week
OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT PLAXICO BURRESS AT A NIGHT CLUB! Oh wait… no no, he simply shot himself by accident in the leg (slow clap). The man with the best name in football on the best team in football found a hilarious way to potentially end his season and career. He is now one of my Vagins. Welcome Plaxy, welcome.

Notable Mentions: Stephon Marbury

This week in sports history
Gordie Fucking Howe. You dog, you. On November 27th, 1960, he became the first NHL player to score 1,000 points. Exactly a year later, he became the first to play in his 1,000th NHL game! Also on that same date in 1943, the CFL Grey Cup was won by the Hamilton Flying Wildcats. Can you imagine how terrifying a flying wildcat would be? No wonder they won. Fuck.

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week (again)
The sports world continues to leave me with too much air in my lungs (you know, as opposed to
breathless). The two worst kept secrets in sports received major spotlights this week: Brian
Burke officially became the General Manager of the Leafs, and people kept talking
about Lebron and the Knicks in 2010. Yawn. Thank god for Canadian politics saving my
week! Ooohh Aaaah.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Your grandparents retire there, and hockey players go there to die. Florida.

This week’s pop quiz
Would you want to date Paulina Gretzky because she is hot or because she is Wayne Gretzky’s daughter?

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way luc@juiceboxdotcom.com.

Straight up, JUICEBOXdotcom doesn’t know exactly what it thinks of this. In a nutshell, the Liberals, NDP, and Bloc are in talks to form a coalition government which would topple our existing minority Tory government. What? SOMETHING EXCITING, VAGUELY CONTROVERSIAL AND UNDOUBTEDLY INTERESTING TO A LARGE PORTION OF THE POPULATION INVOLVING CANADIAN POLITICIANS? It’s like some kind of wonderful dream. I can’t wait for our “Ignatieff” tag cloud to explode like so much Sarah Palin porno news. I feel so relevant!

Essentially, the opposition parties think the Tory’s economic package is stupid (it is). The idea of toppling a minority government with a coalition that represents the interests and votes of a larger percentage of Canadians sounds vaguely okay. Except there are a lot of people (this guy included) who voted for one of those parties and wouldn’t dream (except in horrifying night terrors) of voting for the others. There’s the politically dangerous move of getting into bed with a seperatist party (even if their social, environmental, and economic policies are basically the same as the NDP). And the question of who would act as Prime Minister. Jack Layton has already nixed working with Dion as PM, which leaves, what, Ignatieff or Bob Rae? I didn’t vote for those guys. And I wouldn’t. One of them was so in favour of the war in Iraq I think he wanted to marry it and the other one ran Ontario into the ground in the ’90s.

Don’t get us wrong. We really, really hate the Conservatives. They suck. Harper sucks, his ads suck, his sweaters suck, his family is probably full of assholes. But (and this pains the shit of me to say), he got elected. Canada is not Toronto. And a centre-left coalition government with the balance of power held by the Liberals is basically a Liberal government. And they only got 26% of the vote. I would love to live in a country where the majority of citizens supported a gloriously socialist, mega-left, hippie government. Seriously. It’s my dream. But right now Canada’s not that country.

Also, I think all politicians are liars. And fuck the police. [Ed.'s note: YEAH FUCK'EM!1]

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

When we were looking for an image to toss on this little guy, we found this. If you need further proof that Hicks’ Zombies Calling is awesome, the proof is in the pudding/baked goods. Oh boy that was brutal. Enjoy!

Best injury
I was bitten by a dog as a child. Six stitches across my upper lip. I was very proud of those stitches, and was sad to see them go.

Best historical figure
Laika, the dog shot into space. When I was a kid I had a picture book about her that I really enjoyed. And then I grew up and learned that her alleged happy fun time in space was a complete lie and she’d died during takeoff. It was a harsh lesson. Poor doggy.

Best shirt
I like anything that can double as weaponry for fighting the living undead.

Best thing to do with $20
Spend it on sushi. Or a graphic novel. Both.

Best party trick
I think anyone who can do flips in a small space is automatically awesome. I’m generally impressed by feats of physical prowess. All I can do is look awkward and hold people’s coats.

Best monster
I’m a big fan of John Carpenter’s The Thing, and I love that disgusting, gooey alien monster. Especially at the end of the movie when Kurt Russell faces it down one final time, throws dynamite at it and yells “Oh, fuck you!” I don’t know why but I love that scene. [Ed.'s note: You love it because it's OBVIOUSLY INSANELY AWESOME! Man let's go watch The Thing]

Man. Kanye West is really bummed out.

His mom died then he dumped his fiancée and then T-Pain gave him the keys to the Auto-Tune and friends, there you have 808s and Heartbreak.

TAKE HEED. This is not a hip hop record. This is a pop record. It is an eerie, angry documentation of a very specific time in West’s life, and it might actually be his most consistent release since 2004’s excellent College Dropout (which, if you’re not familiar with it, has one of the most flawless track successions EVER starting with 3 all the way to 13. Just sayin’).

Kanye had some sad melodies in his broken heart and so he wanted to sing, not rap. Relying on the aforementioned Auto-Tune not only allowed him to do this on every song, but also effectively gives the album its permeating cold, dark texture. Combined with the classic (and album namesake) Roland TR-808 drum machine chants, 808s and Heartbreak’s production is minimal but detailed, repetitive but melodic — disparate, yes, and not at all desperate. Musing entirely on love lost, Kanye isn’t sorry or pleading - he’s pissed. In the classic pop music post break-up fuck you, we only get West’s side of the story. He calls his ex out for being heartless, evil (Heartless), and a spoiled drama queen (RoboCop). Sort of a dick move, but hey, no one ever said Kanye wasn’t a dick.

It’s a little weird, this one. Weird and pretty great. 808s and Heartbreak gets 4.5 stupid sunglasses out of 5.

If you love tags (the little words that get added to the bottom of blog posts to facilitate searching through the site) as much as I do, you spend a lot of time checking out the tag cloud in our sidebar. For a while, “punk” was the biggest one in there, indicating that I write way too much about the same thing all the time. Well, no more. Our good friend Alejandro Alcoba has been on some kind of magic streak of writing stuff and getting cool interviews with people who make these things I don’t really care about called “comics”. And now “comics” is bigger than “obama”, “porn”, and even “wrestling” in that little tag cloud. This has spurred me to start the weekly music column-thing I’ve been talking about trying to do for months, and given it both a purpose and a name. Thanks, Alejandro. You and your picture books are going down.

So: This is Sam’s weekly column where he writes about a band he likes and tries to make the punk tag bigger in the sidebar tag cloud. Noble pursuits, dude.

Orphan Choir are this awesome band from Windsor, Ontario who sound like Small Brown Bike but way more like they’re from Windsor. They just posted three new songs on their MySpace which you should probably listen to if you like No Idea Records, American Steel, or rock music. “New Rituals” sounds like that kick-ass first track from the Hold Steady’s Boys and Girls in America before it turns into a Jawbreaker song, and “Pictures of Saints” is as powerful as anything on the last (awesome) Constantines record. These guys play on December 13 at Rancho Relaxo in Toronto with Horses, and the day before in Waterloo (but do any of you seriously live in Waterloo?), so you should go see them. Horses rule, too. Good night! Good column!

Today we reminisce about the most charmingly low-budget, shamelessly non-educational children’s programming there ever was. And it was all ours! Good job, Canada.

As you probably know, the internet is really good for bringing crazies who love things like long-defunct potentially offensive sketch comedy together. Enter SlimeCon, the YCDTOTV (sweet acronym) fan-organized convention which has–up until now–only happened twice. 2009 marks the 30 year anniversary of YCDTOTV, and what better way to celebrate than by road tripping to Ottawa for SLIMECON 2009! Have a peek at the fun and games to be had:

It’s always encouraging when many successful careers are born of the loins of a little project that could. With YCDTOTV, the opposite is true -– basically none of the cast ever did anything else. Except for one person whose name might ring a wee bell.

It never gets old!

For way, way more–-a disturbing amount of more actually–check out the official fan club website, or the German site, which I particularly love because of the inexplicable galleries of a young Justin Timberlake and the Moffatts. Comedy!

This past weekend I saw Twilight, a new teen romance movie where ‘has-trouble-fitting-in’ Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) falls in love with ‘107-years-old-but-somehow-still-angsty-vampire’ Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).

My official judgment on the film: It’s not awful.

The general expectation that I polled from my friends was that they expected this movie to be contrived and for little girls. They are correct on both accounts, but even still, it’s not awful.

[Ed.'s note: You must be 12 years (and under) and a girl to read the remainder of this review. Or be Alejandro Alcoba.] More… »

Okay, seriously, any theories on this one?

From CityNews:

It was found by a woman walking along a path in a wooded conservation area on Saturday. And it was well hidden.

But now police in a small Massachusetts town are trying to figure out how it got there and who might have left it at its lonely perch.

The object that has cops scratching their heads in the town of Harwich is a rather large Baldwin piano - complete with a bench. The woman who found the instrument in a local park told authorities it caught her eye as she was passing by.

When they went to investigate, they found an expensive piano that appeared as though it had just been played.

But there was no one around to claim it, it didn’t seem to belong to anyone, and there were no indications how it got there.

Cops are especially baffled because they know it couldn’t have been a one man job. They estimate it would have taken at least six people to move such a heavy object into such a remote spot.

Yet there it sat with nary a scratch on it and no clue as to its origins or arrival.

Authorities have since removed the instrument from the woods and are checking with other police agencies in the state to see if anyone’s reported a missing or stolen piano.

But so far, they’ve been unable to find the key - or in this case, the keys - to unlock the mystery.

I just feel bad for the spooky ghost who this clearly belonged to. How is he supposed to spend his solemn evenings in the woods now?

So there’s this Norwegian escort dude, right? And Boy George is all, “Hey buddy, come to my house in London and we’ll take some adult photographs.” So the Norwegian guy is like, “Yeah, for sure.” So he goes over and they have an alright time, I guess. The guy goes home. And then Boy George is all, “Bro, come by again, I’ve got some Bugles or whatever,” and the escort dude’s all, “For sure, see you in 10.” So they indulge in some adult drugs, adult consentual activities and photography, and then Boy George is all, “Dude, did you hack into my home computer?” And the exscort dude is like, “What?” So then Boy George (obviously) wrestles him to the ground with the help of some other Boy Geroge lackey and ties him to a hook in his bedroom and whips him repeatedly with a metal chain until the escort pulls the hook out the wall and runs out of the house. Not cool, dudes.

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Faith Erin Hicks is a self-made woman in the world of comics. Her first published comic, Zombies Calling, is a story about surviving a zombie attack by following the rules of Zombie films (“Rule 1: Don’t leave the mall”). It was released last date to much acclaim (she was named Favourite Canadian Comic Book Creator at the Joe Shuster Awards), but truth is that it’s not her first comic.

Demonology 101, a five volume, 700+ page story that she wrote and drew (for free!) and still has posted on her website. What’s particularly impressive about D101 is that she purposely used this comic as her personal training ground. You can see a clear progression in style that gives a unique perspective on a comic creator’s formative years.

Her new comic, The War At Ellesmere is due out December 3rd. And just like Faith’s Worst Mondays answers, it promises to be great.

Worst day-job
When I was in university, I was a receptionist at a veterinary hospital, something that doesn’t sound that terrible, but boy, my co-workers sure made up for it. The vet that I was working for can only be described as the anti-christ, and would have screaming fits at me daily. He’d then be rude to the customers who came in to have Fluffy fixed, so they’d call up and scream at me because they were upset. I lasted a month. I’m a shy person, and getting berated on a regular basis was not worth the $6.85 an hour.

Worst haircut
I used to hack at my own hair with a pair of dull scissors, for who knows what reason. It was pretty terrible. Also, when I was really little I had the Susie Derkins bowl haircut.

Worst subculture
I have no idea. I can’t say I’ve ever thought about that. Are popped collars a subculture? Because I’m generally against those.

Worst date
Once I was taken to a car show, but the entire point of it was to see who had the loudest stereo. So not only was I bored out of my skull, but I had a horrible ringing in my ears for days later. I didn’t go out on a second date with the guy, so let that be a lesson to all car stereo aficionados: wait a while before introducing that world to a girl you like.

Worst invention
Plastic.

Worst purchase
Brand name clothing. I’ve never seen the point in paying insane markup for a label. Unless it does the dishes or cures cancer or something.

Worst way to die
Eaten alive by the Abominable Snowman. I don’t know why I have such a fear of it. Seems like an exclusively Canadian fear.

Just when I thought I was getting a little crazy for November with my mini-wheats (brown sugar this time), a bomb like this gets dropped on me. Did you know where Space Energy comes from?!?!

Apparently all Kellog’s cereals were fortified with it during that time:

And look at this righteous little man:

SIR GRAPEFELLOW ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Someone get me that air car.

Hope your weekend was solid, everyone.

The Toronto Star is reporting that a joke book from the times of Constantine has been released onto the Internet as an e-Book.

It’s called Philogelos: The Laugh Addict.

If you don’t want to read the article, the gist is that we’ve been laughing about the same jokes for a really long time, just changing the subject matter.

Here’s a sample joke (and quote from the aforementioned article):

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: A man complains that the slave he has recently purchased has died. “By the gods,’ says the slave’s former owner, “when he was with me, he never did any such thing.”

While I legitimately think that this kind of thing is totally awesome, I can’t help but laugh about a few things:

1) Someone translated a Greek joke book. AMAZING!

2) The article about this 4th Century Greek joke book is like 1000 words long! There is just so much to say about this!

One more joke:

Can you lend me your knife until Smyrna?

Sorry, I don’t have one that reaches that far.

Baddaboom!

Anyone who wants to know what to get me for Christmas, this is it.

This week in sports history
On November 22nd 1989, Kirby Puckett signed a 3-year $9,000,000 deal with the Minnesota Twins. Pocket change right? Not exactly. He became the first player to ever sign for an average salary of 3 million a year. And that was just 19 years ago. Today, A-Rod gets 27.5 million annually, an inflation of 900% for the best player in baseball. (NOTE: Writing about Puckett’s contract induced a long trip through wikipedia, during which I read about Wayne Gretzky and his move to LA, etc. I also read about the Heritage Classic, which was played on November 22nd 2003!! WEIIRDDD)

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Knicks traded away contracts to potentially make room for Lebron James in 2010. But that’s actually really uncool. Roberto Luongo got injured today though, which is equally uncool because it will give people from BC one more thing to whine about and use as another reason to hate Toronto.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Obviously the Islanders are really bad, as I’ve been stating for weeks. But the Stars are turning into the 2008 Detroit Tigers, and things got even worse the other day when Brendan Morrow was injured for the season (thanks to Willie Whish for the info on that one). So the Dallas Stars are now projected to finish last in the NHL via my intricate formula (5×7+98/55x#games+#wins+1×0 = Dallas Stars)

Cool athlete power rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Bron Bron
2. Nadal
3. Zach Parise
4. Beckham (there a few days every year when I find Posh kinda hot…)
5. Tom Brady (maxin n relaxin!)

What I am watching this week
I moved my apartment around and now have a couch that faces the TV, hence I am one step to eventually watching something on it. Its 7:12 p.m. right now, the Leafs are on… don’t get me wrong, I care, but it’s like watching your kid’s swimming lessons when he is 12. It was fun a few years back, and he’s not really any good, and you’re crossing your fingers for the future when he might become a star. But until then, you just read the newspaper on the side and briefly look up once in a while.

Vagin of the week
Has Michael Vick had the honor of being one of my weekly Vagins? The former superstar quarterback-but-ran-a-dog-fighting-league-and-is-now-in-jail had a court date in Virginia the other day, during which several details of how he hung, drowned, and buried dogs emerged, all things that should now be done to him by horny dinosaurs when he gets out.

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way: luc@juiceboxdotcom.com.

From Craigslist Toronto.

Hello! We have an advance copy of the long awaited Guns N Roses Chinese Democracy cd and we’re listening to it, ALL NIGHT LONG! If you wanna hear it, give us a call, at 647 808 0782. Come join in the Chinese Democraziness!!!!!!!

Location: Clinton Street

EDIT- and here’s the best response that came in before it got flagged for removal:

From: peteriko
Date: Fri, Nov 21, 2008 at 11:47 PM
Subject: Chinese Democracy Listening Party (Clinton Street)
To: sale-929196579@craigslist.org

lol, I heard it wasn’t all that - and you’re listening to it ALL night???

can i bring over Burton Cummings latest also? lol

RE: this.

Dear Mr. Smith and Mr. Spielberg,

We all love Oldboy. Oldboy is a great film. In an age of fantastic and unique Asian films that are, for lack of a better term, culturally untranslatable for the masses (I couldn’t see an American version of Battle Heater working out), Oldboy stands out as a body of work which has crossed continents and clearly impressed everyone who has seen it. I mean, it’s a Korean film about imprisonment and incestuous revenge with an amazing hammer fight and it’s #116 on the IMDB top 250. That’s tough to pull off.

And all of that tells us one thing: it’s a great film. As redundant as this may sound, it’s the most perfect telling of Oldboy that could possibly be filmed. And it’s cool. It’s a fucking cool movie.
Don’t get me wrong, I think both of you are cool. Mr. Spielberg, you have made incredibly cool movies in the past and are nothing short of awe-inspiring in what you can achieve. Mr. Smith, you gave my generation their own Cosby Show. And Men In Black. But the fact is, you’re not the same kind of cool as Oldboy.

Jimmy Stewart was cool. Humphrey Bogart was cool. But they weren’t cool the same way Richard Widmark was cool. Richard Widmark was FUCKING COOL. And the difference between the two is something both of you need to realize: when it comes to cool, Stewart and Bogart (you two) took a side, whereas Widmark (Oldboy) floated in the middle.

I could easily see Chan-wook Park (Oldboy’s director) making a “Will Smith-like” or “Spielbergesque” movie, because it’s obvious to me that he can easily hop from genre to genre without making an indelible footprint. But you two have cast your footprints. You thrive in your footprints. And we don’t mind - we want to see you do your thing. But Oldboy isn’t your thing. You’ve been standing in the same spot too long. Mud has dried on your boots. And all you’re going to do by leaving your footprints is track dirt all over the house. In all seriousness, Widmark wasn’t afraid to push an old woman down the stairs and laugh at it. When’s the last time either of you considered it?

And before you two start telling yourselves, “don’t worry, even if our version of Oldboy doesn’t work out, it isn’t going to ruin the original,” let me tell you right now: you’re wrong. And Mr. Spielberg, you have proven my very point this summer in one fell swoop titled Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Whether you’d like to admit it or not, you’ve ruined your entire franchise with that film. I can’t watch any of them the same way knowing that one day Indiana is going on an alien adventure. That film has actually made its predecessors worse by proximity. And to commit that same crime with Oldboy would be an unforgivable defamation of art on par with drawing lipstick marks on the cock of Michelangelo’s David.

Don’t remake Oldboy. Nobody’s going to think you’re cool. Stop drawing on David’s dick. He’s trying to kill a giant.

Sincerely,
JUICEBOXdotcom

Dear Michael Cera,

Hi, how are you? You always seem like such a likeable, down-to-earth sort of guy that it seemed like a good idea to write you a letter. In the following letter I hope you will find that I have recently enjoyed Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, that I am very excited for the “pre-production” (IMDB) Scott Pilgrim movie, and that I have, as a whole, enjoyed your career in film and television thus far.

First and foremost, I would like to say how much I enjoyed your work in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. I know that there’s a lot of haters out there, but your ability to stick to your charmingly awkward guns in this YA novel-turned heart-warming teen rom-com stole my heart in addition to the $4 I had in my wallet that I was planning on buying pizza with.

Secondly, I would like to express how excited I am that you will be starring in the upcoming Scott Pilgrim movie. I live just up the street from Honest Ed’s, so if you were ever to get hungry while filming this winter you could come by for soup or something. I’ve been watching some of Clark and Michael. It was my interpretation from the show that you enjoy soup. Please say hi to Clark for me, by the way. I saw part of an episode of Greek one time while I was on my way out somewhere. It seemed pretty okay.

The third thing I’d like to focus on in this letter is your previous accomplishments and how much I’ve enjoyed them and/or how much they’ve meant to me. Aside from the aforementioned Clark and Michael, I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed your work on Arrested Development, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, as well as in Superbad. Juno was okay, I guess. I liked it when I first saw it, but the more time people spent talking about it and listening to the Moldy Peaches the more I was all, “Hold on guys.”

In this letter I sought to prove that I enjoy your work, Michael, and that I have a relatively great knowledge of your career in film and television. I feel that my overarching use of the “hamburger essay method” has led to a well-structured and overall good letter. In conclusion, I would like to remind you of my offer for soup, or to otherwise crash on the couch in my living room if the situation were ever to come up (it’s a pull-out!).

Yours ’til butter flies,
Suzanne Sutherland

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

For those looking forward to a lazy Sunday, wit ice cream sam’iches and Internet porn. Chi-City!

Best injury
Man that don’t even make sense.

Best historical figure
Real talk, your boy Fredrick Douglas.

Best shirt
A plain white tee. You can wear it anywhere.

Best thing to do with $20
Shit, spend $6 on a McRib Value Meal, spend $7 on a video game rental, and watch some Internet porn for free. And you still have $7 in your pocket.

Best party trick
Acting Like I’m having fun when I’m really not.

Best monster
That’s easy. Oscar the Grouch.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Someone asked me how I could help their company succeed now and in the future. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Pay me and you will be lucky if I show up on time.” I still feel that way.

IT’S STREAMING RIGHT NOW! QUICK BEFORE THE JOKE’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

Via the Huffington Post:

P.s. It’s no secret that I love me some Peanuts. Do you know how many relevant Charlie Brown TV special titles there are for this post other than the one above? No? I will tell you:

• “This Is America, Charlie Brown” (1988)
• “Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (and Don’t Come Back!!)” (1980)
• “Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown” (1977)
• “You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown” (1972)
• “What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown?” (1983)
• “Why, Charlie Brown, Why?” (1990)
• “A Charlie Brown Celebration” (1982)
• “Here’s to You, Charlie Brown: 50 Great Years” (2000)
• Life Is a Circus, Charlie Brown (1980)
• Bring Me the Head of Charlie Brown” (1986)
• What a Nightmare, Charlie Brown! (1978)
• He’s a Bully, Charlie Brown (2006)
• “Is This Goodbye, Charlie Brown?” (1983)

Sigh. Charlie Brown. So prolific.

My mom will enjoy this one. From Craigslist Ventura:

I bought this stupid clock on E-Bay for my 86-year old aunt, because she is getting confused. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize until it arrived that you have to manually change everything, every day, except the time.

Every day. Push three buttons. If you forget for a day, or only push two buttons, the large, black and white read-out that is so easy to read, is wrong. I found it made her even more confused. If the stupid clock said something, she believed it. I would call her up and tell her what day it is and she would argue with me, because her stupid clock said something different.

Stupid clock. I bought her a new one that automatically changes every day.

This stupid, battery operated clock is free to whomever wants it. You will find it easier to work in harmony with it if you are a fairly cognizant person. On the other hand, if you are not always cognizant and want to drive your family crazy, this is the PERFECT clock for you.

From Austin:

“PHOTOSHOP WIZ NEEDED ASAP”

I need original cell phone statements scanned and numbers changed then reprinted front and back!, if this is something you can do well and do in a very quick manner I need to speak with you asap… There are three to four bills that need to adjusted with numbers on pages, front and back.

I am dealing with a jealous boyfriend that wants to see my statements asap.

I am willing to compensate with a nice sum of cash!

I will come to your location and wait to have them done, must have a a nicer printer, I will supply the paper.

* Location: austin
* Compensation: a few hundred dollars

Toronto After Dark is pretty much the best damn way to spend a week in October. It’s a horror/action/sci-fi/cult film fest run out of the Bloor Cinema by this great dude named Adam Lopez who is truly passionate about the dissemination of blood and guts and gore.

We saw all these movies and you are jealous.

(reviews by Sam Sutherland + Ashley Carter)

Mutant Chronicles (Dir. Simon Hunter)
The first After Dark movie to feature Ron Perlman in a monk outfit, this movie is so insanely bad it’s great. Also, John Malkovich is in it, which is certainly puzzling. Basically, this machine under the earth starts turning people into mutants so Ron Perlman and the guy from The Mist team up with a rag-tag group of soldiers to destroy it. Along the way they say and do things that make absolutely no sense in front of really awful CGI and green screen. Seriously, I don’t think anyone involved in making this movie (save for Malkovich, who looks like a sad, beaten man) had any idea they were making the worst movie ever. Which is why it totally rules. Go see this with all your friends and I promise you it will be the best time ever. Seriously, go now. It’s awesomely terrible.

Tokyo Gore Police (Dir. Yoshihiro Nishimura)
If this doesn’t win an Oscar, that shit is rigged. Words were not made strong or awesome enough to express the utterly fantastic nature of this film. Mere mortals are not worthy of its treasures. There’s a plot somewhere in Tokyo Gore Police but it’s way too insane to try to explain. Basically all this crazy shit happens and your mind is blown. I don’t even know where to start, except to say that at one point, a guy who’s has had his legs cut off uses the blood pulsing from the wounds to elevate himself off the ground and fly around. If you like feeling insane you should see this movie. The name really says all you need to know. It’s bat shit insanity at its most bat shit insane. It’s so, so good I wish it was playing inside my glasses all the time so whenever I did anything boring I would be watching the best movie ever.

Who is KK Downey? (Dir. Darren Curtis, Pat Kiely)
Great! Look what I made at my real job!

4BIA (Dir. Youngyooth Thongkonthun, Banjong Pisanthanakun, Parkpoom Wongpoom & Paween Purikitpanya)
Four horror shorts from the Thai dudes that brought you Shutter and Alone, plus two others, also Thai dudes. The two other dudes’ entries aren’t so great, with Thongkonthun’s Happiness suffering from just being kind of boring and Purikitpanya’s being promising but kind of cheesy. Then the big guns (you know, the guys who made Shutter and Alone) come in and shit gets real. Pisanthanakun’s tale of a youthful camping trip gone wrong is like a self-referential Thai version of Scream, with lots of discussion of famous horror films (including the director’s own Shutter) alongside some scary ghost bullshit. It’s awesome. Wongpoon’s short is a mummified tribute to that really scary Twilight Zone with the gremlin on the plane, and it’s also great. Mostly just jump scares, but awesome, stylish jump scares. Overall, the good stuff outweighs the bad. Totally worth checking out.

I Sell the Dead (Dir. Glenn McQuaid)
The second After Dark movie to feature Ron Perlman in a monk outfit (seriously, it was weird), I Sell the Dead was a fine closer for the totally best year of After Dark ever. The movie has its flaws; the framing device, which involves a young graverobber detailing his sins to a monk (Perlman) is kind of cheesy and dangerously close to a dealbreaker, but the overall arc of the story is just so darn appealing we’re able to forgive the way in which it gets told. Dominic Monaghan (a hobbit) plays a twerp who steals from the dead alongside some super-funny dude named Larry Fessenden, and there’s aliens, vampires, and zombies. So basically the movie has to be at least okay, but it also has a really hot girl and the Tall Man from Phantasm, which rules, so it ends up being way better than okay. Good times if you like that hobbit kid, hot girls, or dead aliens.

Trailer Park of Terror (Dir. Steven Goldmann)
Based on the Imperium comic book series of the same name, this movie is about a bunch of ne’erdowell high school kids who end up on a character building retreat with their wiener pastor. Of course they crash their schoolbus during a thunderstorm and of course they find shelter for the night in a trailer park zombie village called Trucker’s Triangle. Then all kinds of evil wacky sexy shit happens. This movie has tons of weirdness like a cameo by country music dreamboat Trace Adkins as the man in black/devil (due to the director also somehow being a popular country music video director). Good production value, full of stereotypes, and great if you have ever wanted to see what a dude looks like being deep-fried alive.

Snoop was on Martha Stewart yesterday.

Yeah, I got nothing either. Part 1 here.

Big news… if you’re me.

Remember Iron Man? Remember that bit after the credits that made nerds lose their minds / blow their loads? Well lately, there’s been a bunch of buzz about the next few years of movies based off of Marvel characters. Highlights:

• Kenneth Branagh (!) has been slated to direct the Thor movie. No actor has been tapped to play Thor yet.
• Robert Downey Jr will reprise his role as Tony Stark/Iron Man not only for Iron Man 2 & 3, but also for the Avengers movie.
• There will be an Avengers movie!
• Terrance Howard who played Rhodey in the super successful Iron Man movie, will not be back for 2 & 3. Instead, this character will be played by Don Cheadle.
• And, of course, there will be a Captain America.

It’s obvious that all these movies are being put into motion with the idea of having an all-star line-up for The Avengers movie (the order will be Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America and The Avengers).

Here’s the exciting part.

The Captain America movie, titled First Avenger: Captain America, will be a World War II epic, telling the story of scrawny Steve Rogers and his transformation into Captain America. I’m not a big Captain America fan, but I’ve been quietly hoping that those movie people would take advantage of all the hype orbiting around Marvel’s properties and do something TOTALLY AWESOME. I’m being 100% serious here. No sarcasm. Just nerd-love.

I’m not going to go wasting my birthday wishes on this. Already, I’m being forced to be cautiously optimistic. Joe Johnson has been tapped to direct the film. Who? According to the IMDb, he directed The Rocketeer, Jumanji and did the special effects for Star Wars IV, V and VI, among other stuff. All cool movies, no doubt, but I just worry about putting this man at the helm of CAPTAIN AMERICA.

Of course, we all know how the movie will end (unless you don’t know about Captain America’s origins!) and I can’t get over how much potential there is to make a really good movie in a way that really can’t be done anywhere else. I can’t think of an example of a period piece genre film with a legacy as important and longstanding as Captain America. I mean, yeah, he’s a comic book character who throws a (fucking awesome) shield at Nazis and super villains, that might sound ridiculous, but it’s Captain America. No suspension of disbelief required. Its already been ingrained into your subconscious since he first appeared in March of 1941.

Anyway. Stay tuned for more comics related news at JUICEBOXdotcom, a comics and other stuff website.

Bond came out this weekend. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s really your own fault.

Before I get into the review portion of the… review, I want to flip (this is new slang for give, forward or push in your direction) you some numbers. This is the 22nd Bond film, and the second starring Daniel Craig. This is the first Bond sequel (I think? Having trouble confirming this. Anyone?) and it takes place one hour after Casino Royale ends. The film is 106 minutes long, making it the shortest Bond film ever. The film cost $230 million to make. The film was released two weeks earlier in Europe and made a dump-truck of money. That, combined with the North American opening weekend gross of $70.4 million, puts the movie at $322 million worldwide. So far.

Now: Reviewtown.

Quantum of Solace was good. Not as good as Casino Royale, but definitely a fun time. The film is packed with action, and through its monkey-filled-barrel of mindless (yet totally awesome) ass-kickery, I fell in love. Of course, that’s not to say that this is the kind of love you’ll write home to tell your mom about, but love nonetheless.

However, one cannot avoid the fact that this movie wasn’t as good as its predecessor (mom? older sister? not sure where to take this metaphor…) and what Quantum lacked is easy to identify.

Plot.

Sure, there was a plot in there somewhere, but remember that really long string of scenes in the first movie where Bond is playing poker and pretty much ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF THAT MATTERS unfolds? Obviously we couldn’t have another poker scene, but at least something to perform the same function (ie plot) would have been nice.

All in all, worth seeing if you like ass-kickery.

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

You might remember Mr. Chi-City from a pretty recent JUICEBOXdotcom posting. This is where I met him. And after watching his viral video sensation Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked (over 500,000 views, what!), I knew that Mr. Chi-City was going to be the President of the United States one day.

Unlike many of the Worst Monday/Best Friday spotlights, Mr. Chi-City isn’t known for any particular talent. He doesn’t draw comics, he doesn’t play in a band, and he most certainly doesn’t wrestle on any kind of professional level. Mr. Chi-City has captured a league of Youtubers with a brave and refreshing level of realness. He spouts one iconic catchphrase after another (my personal favourite being, “you breathin’ heavy as hellll, I know you hungry”) under a cloak of anonymity.

Chi-City brings a message of hope to everyone working a joe-job that they hate, reminding us to get money, and get paid. His POV-Camera style is his bat-suit, his charm is his utility belt, and his delightful Eddie-Murphy-style cackle rings out in the night like an illuminated bat-signal reassuring us that someone is out there working for the people. On the worst of Mondays, I present to you Mr. Seven Sixty-Three, the Dollar Menu Millionaire himself. . . Mr. Chi-City.

Worst day-job
Working at Burger King. The damn french fry grease would burn my hands every day. And 83% of the staff didn’t speak English. But I did learn a lot of Spanish that summer.

Worst haircut
When I was in Washington D.C., the barber had my hairline so far back, I looked like Terry Bradshaw for real.

Worst subculture
What does subculture mean??

Worst date
This chick ate almost $56 worth of Reb Lobster, and then decided she didn’t know me well enough to give me any vagina. It was the worst date ever.

Worst invention
Vibrating dildos. It’s unfair to the male species. We can’t compete.

Worst purchase
Vanessa Del Rio porn auto biography. There wasn’t enough sex in it like i thought it would be. That shit was a waste of $400 dollars.

Worst way to die
I would say the worst way to die would have to be… from a heart attack. While in the middle of a homosexual experimental night. Because the next day everyone is gonna think you died while doing something kind of gay.

Did you know this was directed by Sidney Poitier?

The movie came to a close and I turn to my girlfriend. She turns to me and says, rather bluntly, “well, that was a disappointment” [Ed.'s note: HIGH FIVE, LAUREN].

Having heard in advance that Sam and Ashley did not like the film [Ed.'s note: but do very much like Charlie Kaufman], I’m momentarily stunned; ten-thousand thoughts per second all converge on one point: Holy shit; I might be the only person I know who is going to love this movie. I wait 15 minutes before telling her this.

Synecdoche, NY is, in my humble opinion [Ed.'s note: and Ebert's], a masterpiece [Ed.'s note: but Alejandro really really loves Science of Sleep]. So three out of the four people mentioned so far in this review didn’t like it, but that doesn’t make it any less of a thorough, complex story that will leave you thinking… if you let it. Charlie Kaufman, the newspaper-salesman-turned-film-scribe behind all your favourite movies, including Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, makes his directorial debut [Ed.'s note: when he should have stuck to just writing them] with a film about trying to leave your mark on the world.

A theatre director (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is afraid of death. In fact, he is so afraid of death that it affects every aspect of his life, most importantly it drives his fear of being forgotten. As the story progresses, he is given the opportunity to create something important, and as a result spends his life creating a living play. I’m re-reading that sentence now, and this description is both poor and largely inaccurate. But the truth is that you can’t really sum up this plot the old fashioned way. Rather, let’s think of this in terms of theme.

Kaufman explores themes that he has delved into through each of the films he has written. “Having a better life” begins to explain what he’s doing, but then you have to ask, “A better life than what? Than whom? For what purpose?” The idea of being so afraid to live your own life — because you might fuck it up, because someone might do it better, because you don’t know the path to the greatest happiness — is what motivates Hoffman’s character to create entire worlds.

What makes this film great is that unlike Kaufman’s other films [Ed.'s note: where outside directors can hone in his scope by cutting the fat], he doesn’t use any of the exits he creates for himself along the way [Ed.'s note: because now he can be overindulgent sans overlord]. Kaufman explores this theme through to the end [Ed.'s note: which makes it trip and draaaag]. There are several opportunities for Hoffman’s character to quit in his quest for his own magnum opus, but at the core we realize that he will never be truly satisfied [Ed.'s note: much like Charlie Kaufman, which is the real brilliance of this movie].

And there’s a moral in that.

In a cinematic landscape where most movies you hear about are about explosions and teenagers falling in love with vampires [Ed.'s note: Synecdoche, NY needed more explosions and teenagers falling in love with vampires], what other reason do you need to name a movie as worthwhile?

[Ed.'s note: this movie would have been great if someone else had directed it]

This week in sports history
I’M DRRRUNNNKKKK

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Yankees offered CC Sabathia (CC does not stand for Canadian Club) a massive contract containing GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY!! It’s worth like $137,000,000. Economy crisis my ass, New York. If he ends up pocketing all that cash, he will be able to make SEVEN trips to space!

The Hockey Team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
I am gonna rip on the Islanders aalll year, baby. What the fuck is this??

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Lebron
2. Chris Bosh (maybe?)
3. Christiano Ronaldo (as suggested by Nikola Stojanovic, the retard. Go see his show “The Blogdriver’s waltz”, at Second City Toronto, November 30th!)
4. CC Sabathia
5. Wendel Clark in the day

What I am watching this week
Nothing. Its mid season for everyone. NFL, NBA, NHL… who effin cares. Check back for this column in three weeks.

Vagin of the week
Me, for missing an entire week worth of sports, a week in which the Leafs and Habs had a major brawl, the Hawks went undefeated, the Lions continued to eat dicks for lunch, and A.I. went to the Pistons (changing nothing). Oh, and Barack Obama became president, prompting good old Lindsay Lohan to say this.

Via Bill Whish via Whitehouse.gov:

GW posing with the Arizona State track team a couple of days ago. It’s supposedly the ASU pitchfork sign. Ha. From a post on BoingBoing:

As someone who lives in Tempe, AZ (home of ASU) I can tell you this is the “trident” sign for the schools sports teams. I have had discussions with my friends and we think that the students popularized this sign in correlation with the popularity of the “shocker”. So it is like when you were a kid and you did the OK symbol with your hands. You know it means asshole, but your parents don’t know that. So I think all the students know it means “shocker” and find it hilarious when they get parents and administrators to do it. Which makes this even funnier as they are getting the President of the United States to do the “shocker”!

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Yes, it’s Friday. Which means it’s time to hear about some of internet award winning comic strip writer/artist/wonderguy Jeph Jacques’ Bests.

Best injury
I was opening a pocketknife when it slipped out of my hand and I instinctively tried to catch it before it hit the ground. The blade went through the webbing between the ring and middle fingers of my left hand and severed an artery. Blood EVERYWHERE. I ended up getting stitches and drew a comic that night with my hand all bandaged up (I’m left handed). I felt like a badass. An idiotic badass.

Best historical figure
Einstein.

Best shirt
My grey Hum tshirt from their 1997 tour. I can’t actually wear it anymore because it’s too beaten up but it has a little shrine in the bottom of my dresser.

Best thing to do with $20
You can probably buy a couple books with 20 dollars. Or a bunch of comics.

Best party trick
I’m really good at drinking too much and regretting it the next day. G-good times?

Best monster
The Blob.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Too much pressure to come up with something clever aaaaugh sdjektllsckrnnwjxjfk//////

A passion + a dedication.

What do you get when you mash together every song ever and then mash together 2500 people?

I’ve honestly never been to that big a dance party in my whole life. Even in places where dancing happens! I’ve been circling ideas around in my head since last night, trying to suss out the best way to describe the festivities, and it’s really hard. I mean, sure, I could talk about the music, but Girl Talk is pretty much ultimate mash-ups on ADD. Some people can’t handle the fickle nature of the songs, and others… well, others just LOVE IT. But I digress.

Packed is probably the one word that I think best describes the show. The venue was packed with people to the point that I can now say that I’ve bathed in the sweat of friendly hipsters and douchebros alike. The mixes were packed (see what I’m doing?) with more songs and longer mixes. The stage was packed with so many people that more than once I thought to myself: ‘man, I want to be at THAT party!’ Also, there were inflatable basketballs (like beachballs!) and inflated backs (actually) that were probably… packed, and then unpacked and thrown around the crowd at the show.

Anyway, the show was effing wicked. If you can handle dancing crowds – and to be fair, not everyone can – you should definitely take the next opportunity to see this guy.

In keeping with the COMICSCOMICSCOMICS theme that we seem to be pushing here at JBdotcom lately (thanks Stats), and to whore ourselves ever so slightly to the terrifying influx of traffic being linked here through Dinosaur Comics (thanks Ryan), let’s chat about this little oil town in Turkey called Batman. Wikipedia tells me it has a population of 246,700, and that their coat of arms looks like it was drawn by me.

Anyhow, currently the mayor is suing Warner Bros. for using his town’s name in this low-budget b-movie we keep hearing about called The Dark Knight.

Okay, there’s really no way to make this funnier than it already is:

From Variety

Mayor of Batman sues WB, Nolan

Batman has a new adversary: Batman.

The mayor of an oil-producing city in southeastern Turkey, which has the same name as the Caped Crusader, is suing helmer Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. for royalties from mega-grosser “The Dark Knight.”

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused “The Dark Knight” producers of using the city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

No one from the town of Batman has explained why it took so many years to take legal action. Batman first appeared as a comicbook character in 1939 and the “Batman” TV series started in 1966. Tim Burton’s first bigscreen rendition for Warner Bros. came out in 1989. Undoubtedly the fact that “Dark Knight” is about to pass the $1 billion mark at the B.O. played a part in stirring the ire of the Turkish hamlet.

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants.

Former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad . . . (more)

There’s this collective of bigbrained culture jammers you’ve probably heard of called The Yes Men. They pull crazy elaborate shit like posing as spokespeople for the WTO, Dow Chemical, McDonald’s, and the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development — and they get away with it, causing a good amount of chaos in the process. This was their latest work:

A fake copy of today’s Times. 1.2 million copies of it. Distributed all over New York.

Gawker figured out how they pulled it off after getting access to an email that went out to interested parties last night:

TONIGHT - and especially, TOMORROW MORNING (WEDNESDAY) - a year of work involving dozens of collaborators comes to a head. Here’s the schedule:

** TOMORROW (WEDNESDAY) MORNING, 7am-11am: **

Take a break in your commute to pick up materials, then distribute them on the rest of your commute. (Or if you want to come back and refill, fantastic.)

Look for the white UHaul vans near:

- UNION SQUARE: probably near the northwest corner of Union Square Park
- COLUMBUS CIRCLE: probably on 56th St. between 8th and 9th Ave.
- GRAND CENTRAL: probably on 43rd St. between Vanderbilt and Madison, near west entrance of Grand Central Station.
- PENN STATION: probably on 33rd St. between 6th and 7th Ave., just NE of Penn Station

Locations will be confirmed and updated by text alert (sign up at http://becausewewantit.org) and email around 7am tomorrow.

** Also, TONIGHT, 5pm-8pm (if time is tight tomorrow or you just can’t wait): **

Look for a white UHaul van near the NORTHWEST CORNER OF UNION SQUARE PARK. You’ll pick up the materials and KEEP THEM SECRET until TOMORROW MORNING, when you can distribute them wherever you happen to be, or on your commute.

WATCH TEXT ALERTS FOR ANY LOCATION CHANGES (sign up at http://becausewewantit.org). We’ll also send another email around 5pm.

** THINGS TO BRING: **

- A bag that can hold a big bundle of printed matter - as much as you can carry. Think big canvas bags, big backpacks, rolling carts, etc.
- Warm clothes
- Friends (or we will team you up)

What will happen:
Something cool! You’ll receive materials and instructions when you arrive. NOTE: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO DID THIS. We want to maintain maximum mystery around this, for as long as possible - at least for a couple of days.

Tomorrow morning we’ll also have an online viral campaign - a quick click before you take off for work can make a big difference!

Thank you again for volunteering your time and energy!

See you soon,
The many secret people YOU DO NOT KNOW

Good on the Times for being such good ol’ boys about it though (and for anticipating the demand for these hotcakes on eBay):

Via the New York Times City Room Blog:

“I would say if you’ve got one, hold on to it. It will probably be a collector’s item. I’m just glad someone thinks The New York Times print edition is worthy of an elaborate hoax. A Web spoof would have been infinitely easier. But creating a print newspaper and handing it out at subway stations? That takes a lot of effort. I consider this a gigantic compliment to The Times.”

You can download a PDF of the fake paper on the accompanying fake website.

I forgive you for the harpsichord song.

As reported yesterday over at my day job, that once-awesome band the Smashing Pumpkins were in night two of sucking hard in New York City when dark overlord Billy Corgan invited a heckler from the first night on to the stage. Dark hilariousness ensues.

Nice one, Billy. You bad ass. “Take Your Dick Out Of My Ass and Stick It In My Mouth”? You wrote a book of poetry called Blinking with Fists. Shut up. Forever.

I found this in a thread about a Jimmy Eat World tour on Punknews.org, which 1) Somehow makes this even better, and 2) Is very telling about how I choose to spend my lonely evenings.

It just shows that Tom Gabel has really made it. Big shiny expensive albums, power ballads with the laziest videos ever, and a solo EP that doesn’t hint at being even remotely interesting have all brought you here. Congratulations, Gayballs. You’ve been vandalized on Wikipedia!

It’s about damn time one of our friends found themselves in the middle of a Smoking Gun investigation. Ladies and gentlemen, young Jay McCarrol — star of Nirvana the Band the Show, one of the few web comedy series we are guilty of enjoying — got caught impersonating a giant douchebag who happens to share his name. That’d be 34-year-old fashion designer Jay McCarroll (note the extra ‘l’) of Project Runway quasi-fame.

Jay McCarroll (winner of Project Runway) >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Jay McCarrol (of Nirvana the Band the Show)

“I’ve received numerous emails intended for the silly McCarroll over the last several years,” says our Jay McCarrol. This due in part to the fact they both own .com’s with the slight variation on their name.

But recently one of those emails was a pitch from news website The Daily Beast (run by Tina Brown, former editor of Vanity Fair and The New Yorker), asking McCarrol — who they obviously assumed was the fashionista double-L version — to design a gown as part of an article about what Michelle Obama should wear to the Inaugural Ball.

Cue sitcom theme.

The gown had to be “at once stylish, patriotic—and appropriately thrifty for a recession.” So, no doubt sensing the batshit insane ridiculousness of the situation, Jay enlists the help of a friend to sketch out a dress design… then issues a statement about it:

“From concept to cut this dress is symbolic of the new found responsibilities we as Americans have attained in light of our country’s economic crisis. The idea is simple, we as Americans need to live within our means, get back to basics, and rebuild a solid foundation to live upon.

God bless America bitches.”

And it’s a burlap sack with the American flag on it.

“My friend who designed the dress is one of my lifelong friends’ younger sister. She’s decided to remain anonymous in this whole thing,” says Jay. “And I don’t know why. I think it’d be a great way to potentially get your foot in the fashion world.”

Especially given the note he received back from the writer, according to TSG: “Awesome, thanks so much Jay! I love it,” a writer who later referred to it in print as “cocktail-length frock with a surprising amount of sex appeal for a sack-based garment” (LOLOLOL). Plus the design apparently got picked up by Us Weekly. So congrats, mystery designer ghost lady.

Needless to say, the whole shebang was taken offline when TSG ruined all the fun by cluing them in. And thankfully Jay hasn’t gotten in any serious trouble so far.

“Since the story just came out, I haven’t heard from any lawyers or anything — but I wouldn’t be surprised if I receive a cease and desist from impersonating the guy,” he says.

Check out the Smoking Gun piece for screen grabs + further awesomeness. And Nirvana the Band the Show for further Jay McCarrol.

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

The internet is a beautiful place, isn’t it? As if animals riding other animals weren’t enough, there’s this great comic strip you may have heard of called Questionable Content. Haven’t heard of it? Shame on you. Basically, it’s about romance, indie rock, and the occasional robot. If you haven’t read them, you really should. I read it, like, everyday.

Jeph Jacques is the mastermind (aka writer/artist) behind this strip, which began on August 1, 2003. Originally published 2 days a week, Jacques eventually quit his job (!) and began publishing 5 days a week. A member of the Dayfree Press, an independent webcomic collective (along with previous best/worster Ryan North), Jacques is one of those successful few who has made a business out of his art, openly commenting on how the comic strip is his only job. Lucky guy! More importantly, lucky us for having free access to the QC archive of over 1200 full colour strips! Enough waiting:

Worst day-job
My last real job involved sitting behind a desk and answering phones for a local alternative newspaper all day. The pay was shit, it was monotonous as hell, and somehow I managed to make it two years before getting fired. That was the really scary, awful part - those two years went by so fast, I can totally see how people end up working jobs they hate for their entire lives. You just get up in the morning, try not to flip out and kill everyone all day, then go home and go to bed. Repeat 20000 times. Eeeeeeek.

Worst haircut
I routinely give myself homemade Mohawks. Worst haircut… OR BEST HAIRCUT???

Worst subculture
Juggalos. I know I am not being very original here but come on.

Worst date
Back in high school I was supposed to go see the remastered Star Wars with this girl I was really into. Only the theater was in DC and I was a stupid kid from the Maryland suburbs so I got completely lost trying to find the theater and meet up with her. I ended up finding the theater just in time to catch the end of the movie, but I never did manage to meet up with the girl. She dumped me a week later. Then we started a band together. Awkward?

Worst invention
Cassette tapes.

Worst purchase
My iPhone, because now I CANNOT FUNCTION WITHOUT IT.

Worst way to die
Hyenas. They basically start eating you before you even lose consciousness.

This shit is crazy.

Last weekend I went to the Fest. Now I’m going home. Slowly. The time spent in a van with six other dudes has given me plenty of time to think about my life and the sad, directionless way I live it. Jokes. Everything rules. I wrote about this simple truth twice this week. And in the interest of spreading more of my never ending joy with people who read stuff on the internet, I present my complete minimal-sentence reviews of every single band I saw at the Fest this weekend. All 47 of them. Because I don’t have more important things to do and get stoked about.

But since I know not everyone is way into my opinion of Teenage Cool Kids (you should be, because my opinion is that they’re great), you can check ‘em out after the jump. You should. I spent all afternoon in a van writing this (and making this video). If not, cool. There’s other great stuff on this site to read. Haters. More… »

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

My mom gets bummed every time I talk about this band. Which is too bad, because my mom is otherwise a huge fan of Poison Idea-inspired progressive hardcore.

Damian is so friendly. But look how angry he is in this photo! He’s probably yelling about hating cops. Man, Fucked Up are a great band. Have you bought their new record yet? If you like music, you’ll probably think it’s good.

Best injury
I have an insane scar from a pint glass being crushed in my head.

Best historical figure
Carl Panzram. Scary as all get out.

Best shirt
My Scooby Records “Jesus Should Have Been Aborted” shirt. So offensive that it is actually kinda stupid.

Best thing to do with $20
Buy records and fast food… or a slurpee… or a book. Actually can I borrow some of your $20?

Best party trick
I’m a pretty bad ass yo-yoer.

Best monster
See question #2. Or Candyman.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
One time a guy asked me if we were worth our guarantee. Another time we were asked if Feist and Cat Power were the same person.

Back by popular demand.

Aren’t they supposed to be natural enemies? EAT HIM. But actually, I can’t believe this can even exist as a regular feature. And is anyone as amused as I am by these posts activating smart ads by the WSPA?

[Ed.'s note: this was received with a note from Chris Nash that read: "Here's your fucking Joan Crawford. Six typed pages of it. People need to know this stuff." And now we give it to you, gentle reader.]

I wasn’t a fan of Joan Crawford when I watched this collection. Other than Mildred Peirce, I hadn’t seen any of her movies, and she didn’t strike me as anything special.

So I figured, why not get to know the lady? She seems like a nice old lady; like she’d give me candy just for walking by her house on my way to school. And this is supposed to be a collection of her best movies, right? Well, being vol. 2, I guess it’s her best movies numbers six through ten… but there’s got to be some gems in there. I mean, the sixth best Dolph Lundren movie is Army of One -– and Army of One is pretty great.

This collection contains the films A Woman’s Face, Sadie McKee, Flamingo Road, Strange Cargo, and Torch Song. The set itself is top notch; every movie is on its own disc (no double-sided nonsense, where one side is a movie and the other side is a bunch of scratches with ‘side 2’ printed on it) and each movie comes with a cartoon (which are amazingly restored and colourful as fuck) and either a short documentary about the film, a related newsreel short, and other related odds and ends.

Torch Song
We learn from ‘Tough Baby’–– the bonus feature documentary about Torch Song — that it’s a musical constructed from songs written for (but not good enough to be used in) other musicals of the era. This film is literally garbage. It tells the story of an older actress who is bitter at her aging face and takes it out on everyone. After going through numerous musical directors on her newest film, she finally meets her match in a blind pianist who isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade. In the case of Torch Song, the spade in question occurs when JC and the cast perform the song ‘Two-faced Woman’ while dressed up in black-face. More… »

7:24: Arrive with the Flatliners in Warner Robins, Georgia, a town none of us have ever heard of. The bar they’re playing tonight is called Crickets, and is full of rednecks playing pool. It, unsurprisingly, has no internet and is playing FOX News on the television while country music blares. I am informed by the promoter of the show that this town exists soley to support a U.S. Air Force Base down the street. I am currently sitting outside a closed Liberty Tax Service office stealing internet and watching CNN online while a bunch of dudes in army fatigues stare at me. Tonight is going to be fucking weird.

7:29: HOLOGRAMS.

7:31: SERIOUSLY.

7:36: Things are getting uncomfortable in the parking lot. This town looks a lot like Markham or any vast suburban expanse; wide streets, no sidewalks, an Ole Times Country Buffet, etc. So imagine someone pecking away at a keyboard or watching video in front of a closed-up Laser Quest in Richmond Hill. Weird, right? Time to see if Captain Jack’s Crab Shack and Billiards across the street has internet?

8:03: What’s up Captain Jack’s. The billiard part is way hardcore and doesn’t get internet. The family restaurant with children’s play area and arcade? Yup. Also, all-you-can-eat snow crab legs. But that shit’s $18.95, so fuck that. I’m drinking Budweiser and getting a grilled cheese sandwich. Cool.

8:23: Sandwich is good.

8:25: It’s really easy to forget what this means to people when it’s reduced to me blogging about my grilled cheese and jokes about countries you can see from your house. But fuck. This feels important, right?

8:37: Fuck you too, Liddy Dole. Awesome.

8:38: CNN is only streaming CNN.com TV, which is clearly way lame. Now watching MSNBC and Olbermann’s huge head.

8:42: My very sweet waitress, who clearly thinks I’m a little bit of a weirdo for being the only dude in Captain Jack’s crab shack on a Mackbook, informs me that this is a town whose inhabitants, which the exception of those that work at the Crab Shack or the Ole Times Country Buffet, work for the military. If Obama wins, will fake great disappoint and curse all rap music.

8:45: Warner Robins loves them some snow crab.

8:49: Some kid just asked if I was in a band. Junior Battles has one 17 year-old Casualties fan in Georgia.

8:56: Tom DeLay on MSNBC: “I don’t hate, I don’t hate.”

8:57: My current home state of Georgia called for McCain. If the bearded dude in the camo shirt asks, I’m stoked.

9:02: Arizona is too close to call. This calls for a Bud Lite.

9:04: And now we have to wait until at least 11 to see what happens. I’ll see you in the NASCAR racing simulator across the bar. Seriously, I’m going to go get my race on.

9:10: Virgina and the Bradley effect.

9:30: Ohio motherfuckers.

9:31: Looks like I have to leave the Crab Shack soon and head to the billiards room. I’m scared.

9:32: Overhead this morning at a house in Tallahassee: “Fuck Obama, man. People are all like, ‘Did you vote for Obama?’ Fuck that. I voted for Bob Barr. The one you’ve never heard of.”

9:35: I wonder how the Flats show is going? This long hair named Ricky who’s jamming along with the band (and plays in a great band called the Ceremonial Snips) is worried that he’s going to get his ass kicked for his lady hair and his Canadian tuxedo.

9:43: Did I mention how good the fries are at Captain Jack’s?

9:49: Did I mention I wish I was home to party with Spacing?

9:55: Okay, so with a big ol’ dose of knocking on wood, it looks like Obama could very well win tonight. With this comes a very serious concern of mine: how will I know it’s the future in movies anymore if the States actually has a black president?

9:59: JUICEBOXdotcom’s Ashley Carter reports via text message that the party at Toronto’s Bloor Cinema is “fucking awesome.”

10:05: America, we love you. You’re crazy sometimes, but godamn, we love you.

10:15: Captain Jack’s needs me to leave. Going to check in the Flats show down the big sidewalk-free street and head into the billiards room and see what I can swing re: internets.

10:47: Visited the Flats show. According to Chris, the show is “boring as fuck.”

10:50: I am alone in the billiard room.

10:51: FYI, it’s my mom’s birthday, and she’s a lovely lady. Happy birthday, Mom!

10:59: Here it comes.

11:00: Thanks for the grilled cheese, Warner Robins. America rules, the world is thankful, we just saw history get made, happy birthday to my wonderful mother, I’m out.

With the impending salvation or utter ruin of the American Empire upon us, some friends of ours made an online series exploring the evolution of the American electoral process. And farting.

Next two episodes after the jump. More… »

It’s starting. See you in the morning.

Right now I’m in a parking lot in Tallahassee, Florida. There’s a terrible ska band playing inside a bar called The Engine Room. I’m in the van of good JUICEBOXdotcom friends the Flatliners, waiting, waitng, waiting for gentle release to come (read: the ska to end). Also, I am the designated driver tonight at a bar that has 50 cent PBR. So it’s obviously time for me to do some journalistizing. Which I rule at.

There’s this thing that’s happened every year in Gainesville, Florida for the past seven years called the Fest. It is the the best, most magical thing on the fucking planet. Over 250 bands and a whole army of bearded dudes descend on the town to yell their throats hoarse and drink a lake’s worth of cheap, shitty American beer. After years of dreaming the dream and failing to make the trek down to this swamptown punk mecca, I did it. It was the best time I have ever had in my life. And here are some highlights. Full reviews to come. Seriously, I’m in love.

Paint it Black played in a U-Haul. After the Bouncing Souls closing-night set on Friday (consisting entirely of pre-1995 material), Philadelphia hardcore czars Paint it Black set up a U-Haul trailer and a generator across from the venue, played for ten seconds before kids knocked over the generator and spilled gas everywhere killing the power, and then played two songs with only drums and hundreds of kids screaming all the words. It was some powerful shit. And then some cops showed up on HORSES. The end.

The Kickstand. This place makes me want to move to Florida. DIY punk as fuck community run bike shop with a BYOB, all ages venue in this concrete warehouse-thing full of bikes and Christmas lights. Everything I saw here was magic, all the kids were super nice and everyone sang and I felt like I was twelve and falling in love with music again. Holy shit, did I just write that? Brutal.

Bridge and Tunnel in Room 316. Last night, post-Leatherface, and fifty kids crowded into a hotel room in the Holiday Inn to watch Bridge and Tunnel play what might have been the best fucking thing I saw all weekend. Andrew Jackson Jihad and Porches played before, and Bomb the Music Industry! played after, and then I had a shower. It was a really nice night.

This weird industrial complex half an hour out of the city. The first night we drove out there for the Flats to play with a bevy of rumoured bands that included Shook Ones, New Mexican Disaster Squad, and Smartbomb. Then the kid with the key to the warehouse and the PA didn’t show up. But it was still a great night just driving and waiting. Then the second night we made it there just in time to see Broadway Calls cover Jawbreaker and Kid Dynamite. Worth it. Awesome. The last night the Flats played, I missed it (see above), but apparently Paul can’t even remember it. So it was obviously great.

And that’s not even the blagillion bands I saw. Stay tuned for more of me being unreasonably stoked. Tallahassee out.