Ashley is a film school dropout turned journalism grad with fine words in fine places like Torontoist, Exclaim!, Broken Pencil, and the bathroom wall at your parents’ house. You don’t know her, but she knows you. And she’s not overly impressed. Jokes! She actually thinks you are pretty alright. That’s the dichotomy of Ashley Carter: initial skepticism followed by warm tolerance.

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A frequent consumer of veggie hot dogs and records produced in the years 1977 and 1994, Sam works as an Assistant Editor at Exclaim! and the Music Editor of Broken Pencil. He produces stellar online video content for the former, and freelance ups-the-punx for Alternative Press, AOL Music Canada, and Torontoist. He also plays rock ‘n’ roll music in some bands and thinks a lot about Fugazi.

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While widely considered to be very handsome, Alejandro’s puberty-inducing good looks have not aided his social skills. He is not a funny person. In fact, he is so not funny that when trying to make light of a situation, he is told to stop. Alejandro is #7 on Interpol’s most wanted list.

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Adam hates bios, so he asked Sam to write this for him. He’s so modest! But he’s not single, so hands off, ladies. Adam went to University for something smart, so that qualifies him to write about smart things. He also plays in the Little Millionaires, and used to be in sweet bands like Bombs Over Providence and Marilyn’s Vitamins, so that qualifies him to tell you stories about being on tour with SNFU.

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Affectionately known at work as Young Joel or simply The Boy, Joel leads a double life. To everyone else he is known as Joel Battles, or maybe Toronto’s Youngest Adult. Kinda like two face, except he doesn’t flip a coin, just his drumsticks.

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Speaks French. Likes sports.

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Courtney lives in Halifax and invented a drink called The Kentucky Shotgun. Another good thing about Courtney Kelsey is that not only does he have two first names, but they’re also both girls names.

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Joe is an overeducated university nerd turned PhD candidate. His current title is the Master of English (do you speak English? If the answer if yes, then in the words of Westside Connection: Bow Down!). Joe is also an inventor. He invented Ashley Carter and Sam Sutherland and probably invented you too. He is a lover of dogs and also loves dogs. Joe also just found out he was Jewish. Shalom!

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When not studying the economy or telling you how much money he doesn’t have, Tristan can be found charming the pants off a bottle of wine (or anyone holding one). With the crutch of frugal fiduciary responsibility, he will limp to your door flashing his dimples looking for a handout. While looking for Canadian whiskey and girls with freckles, you’ve probably seen him on your neighbour’s couch, inside your best friend’s sister, or puking in your flower bed. Interesting fact: Has a Brokeback Mountain tattoo.

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I’ve been writing a lot of shitty poetry lately, here’s an example: Alcoholic Libations fuel my Experimental Xylophoning. Mostly Eloquent, a Liberal Ne’er-do-well. You Know. Ladies and gentlemen: ALEX MELNYK.

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Jeremy Mersereau just ate like 5 raspberry Pop-Tarts and remembered he had to write this bio. So yeah… oh shit, wait! There’s one left! Better get to the Foodland before they close…in 5 MINUTES?! Catch you later, bio.

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Former child star.

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Sounds fun. Sounds like you kids a have a fun hobby. Fun little web magazine hobby. But let me tell you as a friend - and I’m sure your parents echo my concern - it’s not a career. But if you want me to play webzine with you, I’ll do it. Really though, who is going to cover politics?

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Claire Richardson is like Ashley Carter, only better. And she loves you right from the beginning. She wrote the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and wrote, directed and starred in Citizen Kane. Besides looking good, she also likes to relax in her Jeep. Have fun out there.

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My name is Ben. I play in the Saint Alvia Cartel and the Video Dead. One day I used to play in other bands like Cutoff. We weren’t very good. Today for lunch I am having a tuna sandwich with a bowl of Cup-a-soup. I like Cup-a-soup but not when it’s too hot.

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By day, Andrew can be found designing an international mining newspaper (seriously) and discussing trading prices of precious metals while sipping coffee from his dollar-sign mug. Mmmm, delicious. In the evening, he sheds his tailored suits and dawns a prepubescent emoboy haircut, wandering the streets in search of cheap Irish pints. He is also a good friend of your mum and occasionally your dad, if the mood’s right.

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Troy Sexton is a drummer turned break dancer turned Stomper turned MC. Troy can be seen up rockin poppin and lockin and doin the crank that soulja boy wherever there is a smooth floor and some space and YOUUUUUUUUU.

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One time in the third grade Suzanne wrote a poem about an octopus. Then this other time in the ninth grade she and a friend made a zine about, like, society and stuff. She is pretty into zines as well as octopi. She also, like, founded the Toronto Zine Library. So, you know.

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Justin Taylor is a film school dropout turned theater school dropout turned film student. He is an alright writer who is far more charming in person. Try and imagine him being extremely cute as you read his work. Because he is. He is also single. His phone number is 416-573-5898.

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Christine is a chemical engineer who loves Etobicoke, being fabulous, and Ribfest.

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Nicole hails from the salty east of this land. She assumed the role of smarty pants English student for a while, got bored, and moved to Toronto to briefly play radio. These days she bides her time eating starches, drinking coffee and being hilarious. Look alive, kids! Or else Nicole might accidentally high five you in the face.

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But actually.

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Greg has been writing for years for various reasons and can’t remember ever having been published anywhere. Greg’s writing has appeared on paper, picnic tables, tree trunks and on the back of his left hand. Woolner has a high school diploma from Mentor College in Mississauga, Ontario and he is currently working on obtaining other prestigious awards and accreditation.

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Aaron is predestined comedy royalty. His great grandfather was one of the forerunners of the renowned improv comedy troupe “Sarsaparilla Giggler’s Union #412,” where he invented several popular improvisational comedy games, including the “Outlandish Vocalizations” game, and the “Scootie Bim-Bah Rodeo Hugs” warm-up exercise. The Zorgellian bloodline still remains strong, after generations of improvised inbreeding. He is now here for you to enjoy.

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