Author Archive

Juicebox Recording Co. Makes Christmas Happen

Posted on December 22, 2008 by

Last week, we launched our record label with a totally sweet comp of local dudes and ladies. This Christmas week, we’re proud to give to you, gentle reader and downloader, our second release, Aaron Zorgel and Friends Present: 808s and Fruitcake!. It’s easily the best collection of festive music you’re going to hear all year. Deal with it.

null

I think the first time I recorded music was in 1999. I had one of those double-deck tape players with a mic input, and I was rapping along with Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie.” I probably tossed the tape aside and forgot about it, eventually using it to tape my favourite songs from Edge 102. One of my best friends and I were listening to one of these radio compilations, when suddenly the radio rock ended, and a voice that was clearly mine came screaming over the speakers, “like a chump, HEYYY!”

My friend’s jaw dropped, and I immediately threw up my best defense: “How else am I supposed to learn how to rap?!”

Since then, I’ve been totally comfortable with home recording, and the really stupid and hilarious moments that can be immortalized in a song.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve recorded 4 albums worth of Christmas music with whomever I could convince it was a good idea. Using it as an excuse to hang out over the holidays, I get together with my friends, apply liberal eggnog, and record something silly and festive. Sometimes I get submissions from friends who record stuff themselves in their own home studios. In the end, I throw all the tracks on a CD-R with some DIY packaging, distribute it at local shows for free or PWYC, and toss the whole thing online for free download.

This year just might be the strongest effort yet, with 17 songs spanning nearly as many genres. Luckily I’ve got a sweet outlet for this super indulgent creative output, as the Juicebox Recording Co. has kindly agreed to make this Holiday record its second official release.

So head on over to the Juicebox Recording Co., and check out this year’s Christmas Album:

Aaron Zorgel and Friends Present: 808’s and Fruitcake!

If you’d like to dig deeper, check out my other blog-mistress www.funtimeinternet.com to download the previous three albums in their entirety.

Old Stuff | | 10 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Mr. Chi-City

Posted on November 21, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

For those looking forward to a lazy Sunday, wit ice cream sam’iches and Internet porn. Chi-City!

Best injury
Man that don’t even make sense.

Best historical figure
Real talk, your boy Fredrick Douglas.

Best shirt
A plain white tee. You can wear it anywhere.

Best thing to do with $20
Shit, spend $6 on a McRib Value Meal, spend $7 on a video game rental, and watch some Internet porn for free. And you still have $7 in your pocket.

Best party trick
Acting Like I’m having fun when I’m really not.

Best monster
That’s easy. Oscar the Grouch.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Someone asked me how I could help their company succeed now and in the future. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Pay me and you will be lucky if I show up on time.” I still feel that way.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

WORST MONDAYS: with Mr. Chi-City

Posted on November 17, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

You might remember Mr. Chi-City from a pretty recent JUICEBOXdotcom posting. This is where I met him. And after watching his viral video sensation Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked (over 500,000 views, what!), I knew that Mr. Chi-City was going to be the President of the United States one day.

Unlike many of the Worst Monday/Best Friday spotlights, Mr. Chi-City isn’t known for any particular talent. He doesn’t draw comics, he doesn’t play in a band, and he most certainly doesn’t wrestle on any kind of professional level. Mr. Chi-City has captured a league of Youtubers with a brave and refreshing level of realness. He spouts one iconic catchphrase after another (my personal favourite being, “you breathin’ heavy as hellll, I know you hungry”) under a cloak of anonymity.

Chi-City brings a message of hope to everyone working a joe-job that they hate, reminding us to get money, and get paid. His POV-Camera style is his bat-suit, his charm is his utility belt, and his delightful Eddie-Murphy-style cackle rings out in the night like an illuminated bat-signal reassuring us that someone is out there working for the people. On the worst of Mondays, I present to you Mr. Seven Sixty-Three, the Dollar Menu Millionaire himself. . . Mr. Chi-City.

Worst day-job
Working at Burger King. The damn french fry grease would burn my hands every day. And 83% of the staff didn’t speak English. But I did learn a lot of Spanish that summer.

Worst haircut
When I was in Washington D.C., the barber had my hairline so far back, I looked like Terry Bradshaw for real.

Worst subculture
What does subculture mean??

Worst date
This chick ate almost $56 worth of Reb Lobster, and then decided she didn’t know me well enough to give me any vagina. It was the worst date ever.

Worst invention
Vibrating dildos. It’s unfair to the male species. We can’t compete.

Worst purchase
Vanessa Del Rio porn auto biography. There wasn’t enough sex in it like i thought it would be. That shit was a waste of $400 dollars.

Worst way to die
I would say the worst way to die would have to be… from a heart attack. While in the middle of a homosexual experimental night. Because the next day everyone is gonna think you died while doing something kind of gay.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

JUICEBOXdotcomtroversy

Posted on September 13, 2008 by

WARNING: JUICEBOXdotcom HATE THEIR READERSHIP

Attention vulnerable blogsumers! This is an unauthorized message from Aaron “The Sparrow” Zorgel. After months of arduous preparation, I’ve finally managed to hack into the JUICEBOXdotcom main-frame for just a few minutes. My time here is brief — but I hope my message will ring true for years to come. I’ve put a non-deletable coding on this blog entry, and the only way Editors Sam “MOM” Sutherland and Ashley “DAD” Carter can delete it is by enduring the buffering prompt screen (the buffering prompt screen displays an entire episode of 2 and a Half Men juxtaposed with the soundtrack to two obese Spanish senior citizens having intercourse). I’m confident that neither Mom nor Dad will make it through this grueling obstacle, so I’m pretty sure the following sentiments will live forever.

As you may know, I was once a JUICEBOXdotcom contributor. My name is still listed on the contributors page, although I’m sure at this point it’s only for posterity. During my time as a regular JUICEBOX writer, I fell into a deep, dark pit of righteousness. I was up on my high horse nightly, making fun of goth people and trivializing the very universal humour of a popular television sitcom. Soon I found myself declining to participate in any event that had nothing to do with “fun rad sexy times,” and I alienated myself from anyone who couldn’t give me mind/body boners. My ego took over, and I was left friendless, penniless, and still maintaining a small, tiny, tiny penis.

Through my darkest days, and most grungy of moments, I am reborn, the phoenix in the flames. Having been willingly excommunicated from the JUICEBOXdotcom fold, I am here today to share with you a startling revelation: JUICEBOXdotcom HATE THEIR READERSHIP.

But, I kid you not — they do it for a reason.

First, let me share with you some excerpts. When read in succession, the gradual degradation will really shine through in your mind:

“[K]ids half your age have done things way more impressive than you. Way to go, loser.”
from “Because your kids have better things to do than listen to Sharon, Lois and Bram condescend to them about elephants” – Suzanne Sutherland

“The Flatliners, who are awesome, from Richmond Hill, and more successful than you. They’re in Europe right now, playing festivals with NOFX and making tons of money. Where the hell are you?”
from “BANDS DRUNK TXT US ON TOUR: The Flatliners in Europe” – Sam Sutherland

“King Khan is one of those self-made rock ‘n’ roll legends that makes you realize why playing loud music and making up fake names is totally kick-ass. He’s from Montreal, lives in Germany, and is probably cooler than you.” – Sam Sutherland
from “WORST MONDAYS: with King Khan”

“[R]emember that his photo exhibit is still hanging around Toronto for another couple of weeks. Why are you here and not there? Oh right, because we are awesome” – Ashley Carter
from “BEST FRIDAYS: with Patrick O’Dell”

“Patrick O’Dell has essentially built a career around having more fun than you do.” – Ashley Carter
from “WORST MONDAYS: with Patrick O’Dell”

“[W]e give you a regular captain awesome, Toronto’s own Bruce LaBruce. Well, he wasn’t born here, but we own him just the same. If you’ve never heard of him, you’re probably not all that great.” – Ashley Carter
from “WORST MONDAYS: with Bruce LaBruce”

“I call it ‘Ryan Reynolds is a cooler, better, sexier person than you: The Resume.’” – Tristan Loker
from REVIEW: Chaos Theory (Dir. Marcos Siega)

“If you have NO IDEA what I’m talking about, fuck you. Fuck you and every other movie you’ve ever seen.” – Luc Doucet
From “Six Reasons To Go See the Blue Jays This Summer”

“WE’RE AWESOME.” – JB Staff
from the ‘About’ section on the website

JUICEBOXdotcom has ingrained what I refer to as the “Abusive Boyfriend Upper Hand” into its readership. The reader takes repeated blows to the self-esteem, processes this attack, and comes crawling back for more because he/she feels worthless and desperate. Thus, a reluctant loyalty is born in the readers of JUICEBOXdotcom.

I was once a proprietor of this tactic (read: fuzzy goths), and while I make no excuses for it now, I plan on sharing the stories of those who have felt compromised by the gross mistreatment of this website.

“When I read juice box, it reminds me of my failure at my fifth grade spelling bee” – Andrea Marechaux

“After reading this, I felt like Sarah Palin after she found out her daughter was pregnant and she was going to be a Grandma at 44” – Joel Dickau

“I log on to the Internet to feel better about my crumbling personal life. But when I see the word “boner” used four times in a paragraph that says I’m inferior to a man in a band, I feel like trash. It’s like Juno hates my rotten guts!” – Dave Hodgson

The Government has been informed of this misuse of communication technology, and with your cooperation, JUICEBOXdotcom’s days are surely numbered. Please keep your head up, and be confident. Self-assuredness is the best defense against JUICEBOXdotcom. If you are experiencing Self-Esteem issues related to reading JUICEBOXdotcom, Doctors are recommending a heavy dosage of laughter and foolishness.

But if you want the opposite, you can try www.funtimeinternet.com.

Hold tight, Comrades. We’re all in this together.

End transmission.

Old Stuff | | 3 Comments »

REVIEW: Joey, the Complete 2nd Season (DVD)

Posted on May 21, 2008 by

joey_s2.jpgThere is no such thing as bad television.

After popping in disc one of Joey season two, I assure you that I still believe this to be true with every inch of my bloody, pulsating heart.

Admittedly, there are a few shows out there that — to an untrained viewer — initially seem like garbage. Jennifer Love Hewitt whispers sensually to ghosts. Trash bin. Charlie Sheen is a sex predator living with some closet gay and a small child. Total landfill material.

Joey Tribiani moves to LA to become a serious actor. Hmm…

I refuse to libel these shows by labeling them “bad television.” There is no bad television, only bad consumers of television. For the purposes of this review, I’m going to refer to these shows collectively as. . . More… »

DVD, Hits & Misses | | 19 Comments »

REVIEW: Opeth – The Roundhouse Tapes

Posted on May 16, 2008 by

opeth-the_roundhouse_tapes_2007.jpgAs far as I can tell, I’ve really only ever encountered a really big Opeth fan once. It was 2002, and I was visiting a friend of mine in her college dorm. It was one of those residences where 3 or 4 people live in one room, and it really sucks, because everyone holds in all that redfaced anger about who left that stinky potato in the communal bathroom. Anyway, this goth girl lived in one of the rooms, and her fuzzy goth boyfriend was visiting the same weekend as me. I can’t really remember what he said, but I can only assume it was something like, “Opeth owwwwwwwwn.” He was also wearing an Opeth t-shirt all weekend, so it’s pretty much science. Anyway, one night he was trying to get me to go to 7-11 with him, and I really didn’t want to go a) because it was really wintery and slushy out, and b) I don’t eat taquitos in the company of “the goths”. Thems just the rules. So instead of declining politely like a reasonable person would, I did what anyone who had just sucked back like half a pound of jello and vodka. I got down on the ground and somersaulted away from him. If you are anything like that fuzzy goth Opeth t-shirt wearing bottleneck, you’ll probably love this album. If not, I am pretty sure you’ll wanna summersault directly into a facefull of toquitos. Oh, and also; it was me. I left that stinky potato. (Peaceville)

Hits & Misses, Music | | 15 Comments »