Hey friends, it’s been a while since we all hung out and shared a knowing glance, hasn’t it? So consider this a formal invite to our NXNE-themed debutante ball. On June 16 at the Bovine Sex Club in Toronto, we’ll be showcasing a bunch of bands we’ve released records for over the past year or two + some additional friends courtesy of brother-in-arms Adam Kreeft & UOBA. The lineup looks like this:
—————————————————————-
08 pm: The Decay // Punk rock from Guelph
09 pm: Wayfarer // Hot Water Music worship from KW
10 pm: Cavaliers! // Alt-country from Newmarket
11 pm: !ATTENTION! // Pop-punk from Toronto
12 pm: Dig It Up // Party punk from Montreal
01 am: The Video Dead // Hardcore from Burlington
02 am: Victim Party // Best friends from Toronto (members of Bombs Over Providence, Hostage Life, The Black Lungs, The Artist Life, The Little Millionaires, Bang It Out and Marilyn’s Vitamins)
——————————————————————
Only $5! Cheap! (Or free with a festival wrist band!). And because of the municipal magic of NXNE, the Bovine will be serving until 4 a.m. It’d be swell to see your face.

Hey, what’s new? Probably a lot since last we spoke. Us too… we really should try catching up more often. But I get it, you’re busy, we’re busy. We should just enjoy the time that we do have. SO! The latest episode of Talk Show Night at Juicebox Manor is now online, featuring the mighty & newly minted ANVIL (our first and only guest to have also been on Conan O’Brien. Look out late night network TV, we are limping toward you in a menacing albeit friendly way). On the very same episode, we go to DJ school with Maximum RNR to learn how to do what the kids do, AND we get drunk with power and feature Juicebox Recording Co.’s own Cool Dad… who may or may not have broken up since we filmed this, rendering our incestuousness useless. But what an episode! Also, feel free to check out the episode previous to that, which is just as full of fun and whimsy and high-flying death-defying action, with The Gaslight Anthem (and a 4-year old), Diableros, and a basement performance by the king of beards himself, Mayor McCa. Lots of fancy news on its way about Recording Co. releases in the near future too. Oh, and I think we have an intern now. More on that when we wrap our brains around it.

Hey sweet peach. You’ll be tickled to know that episode 12 of our TV show is online now. In this whirlwind teevee adventure, Gonzalez teaches us how to properly disrespect a piano, The Hidden Cameras’ Joel Gibb tells Canada what’s what, and Halifax’s own Cousins play a couple songs in the basement. And hey, while we’ve got you, be sure to check out Punknews and Paper & Plastick’s limited pressing vinyl auction for the Haiti disaster relief effort. There’s a bunch of cool, super rare stuff available (including a 1/100 blank sleeve pressing of the final Hostage Life album that was supposed to be a full art pressing of 1000 but the band broke up blahblahblah, you know the story). All proceeds go to Doctors Without Borders. In the same vein, The Decay have announced that all donations from their record that we recently released will now be going to www.chglobal.org.

It’s holiday time at the manor which means we can update the site even less than usual. Great! Before we go, we wanted to celebrate our ever increasing love for You and Yours with this HOLIDAY MESSAGE from Us and Ours (featuring some of our studliest houseguests from the past year). If that’s not enough, we’ve got our dear Aaron Zorgel’s annual Christmas miracle/holiday mixtape/celebration of friends up for grabs. AND one of our favourite interviews + episodes of the show is now online. Mow down! Merry this and that! See you in 2010, buttheads.

Things are hectic at the buddy factory as usual, so here are some gifts in lieu of our embarrassingly characteristic lack of updates. GIFT ONE: Not one, but TWO brand new EPs direct from Montreal + straight to your download finger here (by Dig It Up!) and here (by Prevenge!). GIFT TWO: several newly internet-ified episodes of our AUX teevee show. GIFT THREE: a kiss. Come collect at 633 Clinton between the hours of 2 & 3 a.m., Monday through Friday. Or Friday night at the Press Club where you’ll have to kiss Greg too for his birthday.

With the Fest over and our kittens headed back to the den, things are slowly returning to normal at the manor. Episode four of the show (feat. Tokyo Police Club + Crystal Antlers) is online now; our Canadian Fest Comp is still available (freshly antiquated and collectible!); and today the Toronto Star called our show “a cross between a regular talk show and a riotous house party.” Thank god tonight’s episode (11 p.m.! Rogers cable 107!) is a banger: Josh Reichmann, Dave Bidini, and D-Sisive.

Well, for one, what can really be said after a MEMBER OF FUGAZI PLAYS IN YOUR BASEMENT (tv = fun amirite?!) But mostly we’ve been slacking because the Juicebox house band and co-proprietors of this ghostship are on tour and I’ve been busy forgetting that computers co-exist with ice cream in the summertime. But! NXNE is coming up, the bars are open till 4, and the aforementioned Junior Bagels will be there (UO / No Idea Records showcase on Thursday w/ the awesome Bridge & Tunnel from Brooklyn NY +++), so let’s go to that together and reminisce about days of yore. I’m buying. But only if you wear that shirt. You know the one.

We’re still busy collecting our sanity (and the wreckage that is our house minus a film crew) this week after wrapping the first four episodes of the show with a bunch of in-house “interviews” (including a round of the dating game wherein Justin’s ex-girlfriend gets fresh with Alexisonfire). Speaking of yer buds in AOF, we’ve got a showcase at this year’s Over the Top Fest, a mixed bbq featuring headliner Hunter (members of Alexisonfire, Moneen, and The Abandoned Hearts Club), a couple of Juicebox bands (Cool Dad, Ulysses and the Siren), and out-of-towners The Narrative (from Brooklyn NY). Best yet, it’s at Dee’s this Friday (May 22). You were gonna be there anyway!

Definitely a bit of a bananas month here at the manor as we scramble to complete the first season of our TeeVee show. This week begins with The Thermals gracing our basement to play some songs. Tuesday we’ll be feeding ducks and scoping babes in the park with Woodhands. And Friday our lucky lil basement (seriously, it’s starting to get a big head) will see performances by both Crystal Antlers and Wax Mannequin. All while we continue to cover the best film festival this city has to offer by seeing more movies in a week than we’d normally see all year (look forward to coverage involving the stars of Troll 2 and Best Worst Movie). Yiiiiiiip.

How are you? Yeah? Great to hear. Just another week at the office for us that’ll see bands like Nomeansno and The Rural Alberta Advantage play in our basement(!) for episodes 2 & 3 of our forthcoming TV program that I swear we are not just pulling your leg about. Also, we’ve got a new release for you to feast your ears upon by Haligonian ex-pats Cool dad. AND an event you should probably hang with us at: Juicebox house band Junior Battles’ cd release party at the El Mocambo. Friday! Let’s drink about it. (oh, and, uh, we got a, uh, twitter account. new hot updates! wassup haters.)

Lots for us, thanks. It’s been a gigantor month traffic-wise thanks to everybody stuffing their faces with our last few releases. Some cool announcements/records/burgersandwiches coming soon, possibly even this week. Until then, for all none of you living in London, Ontario, go see our mega pals in Great Lenin’s Ghost (you may remember them from such releases as JUICEBOXdotcomp) open for some boyband called Tokyo Police Club (this Thursday! Call the Office!). We’ll be there. If you see us, say hello and I swear we’ll buy you a car.

As you can hopefully tell, we’ve been pretty busy lately making your life great. We’ve got the first release from Ulysses and the Siren (ex-Cain and Abel), plus our very first limited-time download — The Darcys’ cover of Final Fantasy’s “The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead” (with the blessing of sir Owen Pallett). If you’re in Toronto and feel the need to party about it, we’ll see you at this week’s show featuring the above bands alongside fellow JBR friends (and master brewers), Cool Dad. ALSO: JBR on FB. Do it.

BARF

Pink dolphin appears in US lake

Capt Rue originally saw the dolphin, which also has reddish eyes, swimming with a pod of four other dolphins, with one appearing to be its mother which never left its side . . . He said: “It was absolutely stunningly pink. I had never seen anything like it. It’s the same color throughout the whole body and it looks like it just came out of a paint booth.”

Fish with human faces spotted in South Korea

The fish live in a pond behind the home of a 64-year old South Korean man and have been there since 1986 although their looks are only just starting to attract attention.

“My fish have been getting more and more human for the past couple of years,” the owner said.

Don’t even get me started on what elephants have been up to.

Seriously, when did Geekologie get so awesome? First with this practical garment find:

and now with this kid, who has guaranteed pre-pub fodder for his bored rezmates once he’s all growed up and in college (thanks to his genius dad videotaping him post-dental surgery):

Not to mention a guy on an all-bacon diet, digital roadsign hacking instructions, and video games as classic book covers. We need to up our game. Or at least our internet sleuthing skills.

Ah, who am I kidding. Who wants to get nachos?

From Craigslist New York:

I am a female in my mid 60’s and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money.

I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home.

My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it.

I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.

You may have guest over as long as they are cnfined to the bathroom as well. This might seem a bit odd but please remember the rent is $400 and the bathroom is large.

From Minneapolis:

BARTER: looking for macbook

i need a macbook for school. i have the following and am willing to trade:

- pack of napkins
- can of vegetables (you choose the vegetable)
- robin hood: men in tights dvd
- half used glade candle - fresh linen scent
- bottle of lemon-lime gatorade (unopened!)
- 19 ziploc sandwich bags
- pack of tube socks
- box of 63 crayons (missing cadet blue)
- bag of pogs
- “chicken soup for the horse lover’s soul II” book
- black belt (not a karate belt)
- 60 watt light bulb
- home-made play dough
- button with a picture of a chicken saying “where’s the beef?”
- button with a picture of a cow saying “where’s the chicken?”
- bag of ranch corn nuts

if you are interested in trading your macbook for any of the previously listed items please email me.

thank you!

We at JUICEBOX love ourselves some Craigslist. We also love the potential for new and lasting friendships. Sometimes when we are just bored enough, we enjoy combining the two. Usually when Greg (above) is around. And mostly because people are fucking weird.

Posted to Craigslist Toronto:

Free: Two Cokes on Ice

We have two delicious cokes in glasses with three to four ice cubes per drink. They are cold and refreshing and need to find a home (your belly) soon! Email us before 1:00 am and come get your free drinks!

* Location: Juicebox Manor, Clinton Street

We legitimately wanted to share these fresh cokes with a thirsty new friend. Look at the condensation on those glasses. And that welcoming red curtain showcase? I’m telling you. Not the cheap stuff.

Alas our posting was flagged for removal once again (does anyone know on what grounds? is this something psychopaths do?), but not before we got a few responses in. Responses that would indicate that we may have been unintentionally propositioning our potential new friends. Here’s a sampling:

From: partypooper.me@hotmail.com
To: sale-872104120@craigslist.org

where on clinton?

who are you?

i’m a 24 year old dude.

Score! And this:

From: ms Kitten allabouthilites@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Free Cokes

Am I too late? Are you the guy who likes straight hair?

Yipes. To which Gregory responded:

To: allabouthilites@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Free Cokes

I do like straight hair, but I don’t know if I’m “the guy who likes straight hair”…..

Are you close by? I’m at clinton and dupont street

To which “Ms. Kitten” responded:

ms Kitten wrote:
Nooooooooooooooooo, not nearby, I thought you were… a friend of mine who does foolish things like that. hahahha. sorry to bother you. take care and good luck with the cokes!

Pfft. We had great luck with the cokes. They were delicious, you pervert.

From the BBC:

“So what if the guy threw a shoe at me?”

That should be your motto in life, take notes. I’m gonna miss the lil guy. Don’t you wish we could all hang when this is done?

Whoever keeps planting search phrases that lead to this site is really bringing the lols during my obsessive stats browse this afternoon.

Maaaaaan.

She’s no Bettie Page (maybe half as sexy on a good day), but man am I ever bummed. And not just because I’m out of a job, but because it’s the first thing I read every single day. Here’s hoping a new city voice rises from the ashes of such a tireless staff of cool dudes and ladies to publish under a non-Gothamist banner.

Does this mean I have to read BlogTO now?

(in cheerier related-ish news, happy 5th anniversary to Spacing)

Via Torontoist:

Little bitta context for our bluehaired friends.

UGH

From Craigslist Sacramento:

Hey! Could you please bring my tarp back? That’s a brand new tarp and my best one. Just put it back on the lawn, please. You don’t even have to say anything. I understand your misunderstanding. Thanks!

-Kevin

From Philly:

I stole your crutches.

dear sir or madam:

at approximately 00:30 on thursday morning, i was with a friend walking back from a night of drunken revelry when i spotted a pair of crutches leaning against the fence by the tennis courts. you are evidently very tall, as i had to adjust these crutches before i could mockingly, drunkenly use them. i apologize for any inconvenience i caused you and would be more than happy to return your cripple sticks.

please respond at your earliest convenience. tell me what your crutches look like so i don’t give them to a cripple-poser.

Furthering the idea that some folks just can’t go 90 minutes without booze, the Toronto Star is reporting that recent amendments to the Liquor Licence Act will allow for alcohol inside certain Cineplex theatres beginning December 10. And not just in the concourse like at the Paramount (Scotiabank? whatever) but in the theatres themselves.

I, for one, cannot wait to get a frat cup full of ballpark-priced beer thrown at the back of my head during The Tale of Despereaux.

<<< I also can’t wait to become that guy.

We just finished updating/garbage-sacking a bunch of stuff in the back-end of the site and then the Internet went down in the neighbourhood and now it’s 5 a.m. and we feel a bit:

So excuse the resultant tardiness of Worst Mondays. Feel free to enjoy other fine sites during your wait. But remember who loves you more.

Okay, seriously, any theories on this one?

From CityNews:

It was found by a woman walking along a path in a wooded conservation area on Saturday. And it was well hidden.

But now police in a small Massachusetts town are trying to figure out how it got there and who might have left it at its lonely perch.

The object that has cops scratching their heads in the town of Harwich is a rather large Baldwin piano - complete with a bench. The woman who found the instrument in a local park told authorities it caught her eye as she was passing by.

When they went to investigate, they found an expensive piano that appeared as though it had just been played.

But there was no one around to claim it, it didn’t seem to belong to anyone, and there were no indications how it got there.

Cops are especially baffled because they know it couldn’t have been a one man job. They estimate it would have taken at least six people to move such a heavy object into such a remote spot.

Yet there it sat with nary a scratch on it and no clue as to its origins or arrival.

Authorities have since removed the instrument from the woods and are checking with other police agencies in the state to see if anyone’s reported a missing or stolen piano.

But so far, they’ve been unable to find the key - or in this case, the keys - to unlock the mystery.

I just feel bad for the spooky ghost who this clearly belonged to. How is he supposed to spend his solemn evenings in the woods now?

Just when I thought I was getting a little crazy for November with my mini-wheats (brown sugar this time), a bomb like this gets dropped on me. Did you know where Space Energy comes from?!?!

Apparently all Kellog’s cereals were fortified with it during that time:

And look at this righteous little man:

SIR GRAPEFELLOW ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Someone get me that air car.

Hope your weekend was solid, everyone.

From Craigslist Toronto.

Hello! We have an advance copy of the long awaited Guns N Roses Chinese Democracy cd and we’re listening to it, ALL NIGHT LONG! If you wanna hear it, give us a call, at 647 808 0782. Come join in the Chinese Democraziness!!!!!!!

Location: Clinton Street

EDIT- and here’s the best response that came in before it got flagged for removal:

From: peteriko
Date: Fri, Nov 21, 2008 at 11:47 PM
Subject: Chinese Democracy Listening Party (Clinton Street)
To: sale-929196579@craigslist.org

lol, I heard it wasn’t all that - and you’re listening to it ALL night???

can i bring over Burton Cummings latest also? lol

Via the Huffington Post:

P.s. It’s no secret that I love me some Peanuts. Do you know how many relevant Charlie Brown TV special titles there are for this post other than the one above? No? I will tell you:

• “This Is America, Charlie Brown” (1988)
• “Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (and Don’t Come Back!!)” (1980)
• “Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown” (1977)
• “You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown” (1972)
• “What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown?” (1983)
• “Why, Charlie Brown, Why?” (1990)
• “A Charlie Brown Celebration” (1982)
• “Here’s to You, Charlie Brown: 50 Great Years” (2000)
• Life Is a Circus, Charlie Brown (1980)
• Bring Me the Head of Charlie Brown” (1986)
• What a Nightmare, Charlie Brown! (1978)
• He’s a Bully, Charlie Brown (2006)
• “Is This Goodbye, Charlie Brown?” (1983)

Sigh. Charlie Brown. So prolific.

My mom will enjoy this one. From Craigslist Ventura:

I bought this stupid clock on E-Bay for my 86-year old aunt, because she is getting confused. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize until it arrived that you have to manually change everything, every day, except the time.

Every day. Push three buttons. If you forget for a day, or only push two buttons, the large, black and white read-out that is so easy to read, is wrong. I found it made her even more confused. If the stupid clock said something, she believed it. I would call her up and tell her what day it is and she would argue with me, because her stupid clock said something different.

Stupid clock. I bought her a new one that automatically changes every day.

This stupid, battery operated clock is free to whomever wants it. You will find it easier to work in harmony with it if you are a fairly cognizant person. On the other hand, if you are not always cognizant and want to drive your family crazy, this is the PERFECT clock for you.

From Austin:

“PHOTOSHOP WIZ NEEDED ASAP”

I need original cell phone statements scanned and numbers changed then reprinted front and back!, if this is something you can do well and do in a very quick manner I need to speak with you asap… There are three to four bills that need to adjusted with numbers on pages, front and back.

I am dealing with a jealous boyfriend that wants to see my statements asap.

I am willing to compensate with a nice sum of cash!

I will come to your location and wait to have them done, must have a a nicer printer, I will supply the paper.

* Location: austin
* Compensation: a few hundred dollars

Snoop was on Martha Stewart yesterday.

Yeah, I got nothing either. Part 1 here.

Did you know this was directed by Sidney Poitier?

Via Bill Whish via Whitehouse.gov:

GW posing with the Arizona State track team a couple of days ago. It’s supposedly the ASU pitchfork sign. Ha. From a post on BoingBoing:

As someone who lives in Tempe, AZ (home of ASU) I can tell you this is the “trident” sign for the schools sports teams. I have had discussions with my friends and we think that the students popularized this sign in correlation with the popularity of the “shocker”. So it is like when you were a kid and you did the OK symbol with your hands. You know it means asshole, but your parents don’t know that. So I think all the students know it means “shocker” and find it hilarious when they get parents and administrators to do it. Which makes this even funnier as they are getting the President of the United States to do the “shocker”!

A passion + a dedication.

In keeping with the COMICSCOMICSCOMICS theme that we seem to be pushing here at JBdotcom lately (thanks Stats), and to whore ourselves ever so slightly to the terrifying influx of traffic being linked here through Dinosaur Comics (thanks Ryan), let’s chat about this little oil town in Turkey called Batman. Wikipedia tells me it has a population of 246,700, and that their coat of arms looks like it was drawn by me.

Anyhow, currently the mayor is suing Warner Bros. for using his town’s name in this low-budget b-movie we keep hearing about called The Dark Knight.

Okay, there’s really no way to make this funnier than it already is:

From Variety

Mayor of Batman sues WB, Nolan

Batman has a new adversary: Batman.

The mayor of an oil-producing city in southeastern Turkey, which has the same name as the Caped Crusader, is suing helmer Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. for royalties from mega-grosser “The Dark Knight.”

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused “The Dark Knight” producers of using the city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

No one from the town of Batman has explained why it took so many years to take legal action. Batman first appeared as a comicbook character in 1939 and the “Batman” TV series started in 1966. Tim Burton’s first bigscreen rendition for Warner Bros. came out in 1989. Undoubtedly the fact that “Dark Knight” is about to pass the $1 billion mark at the B.O. played a part in stirring the ire of the Turkish hamlet.

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants.

Former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad . . . (more)

There’s this collective of bigbrained culture jammers you’ve probably heard of called The Yes Men. They pull crazy elaborate shit like posing as spokespeople for the WTO, Dow Chemical, McDonald’s, and the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development — and they get away with it, causing a good amount of chaos in the process. This was their latest work:

A fake copy of today’s Times. 1.2 million copies of it. Distributed all over New York.

Gawker figured out how they pulled it off after getting access to an email that went out to interested parties last night:

TONIGHT - and especially, TOMORROW MORNING (WEDNESDAY) - a year of work involving dozens of collaborators comes to a head. Here’s the schedule:

** TOMORROW (WEDNESDAY) MORNING, 7am-11am: **

Take a break in your commute to pick up materials, then distribute them on the rest of your commute. (Or if you want to come back and refill, fantastic.)

Look for the white UHaul vans near:

- UNION SQUARE: probably near the northwest corner of Union Square Park
- COLUMBUS CIRCLE: probably on 56th St. between 8th and 9th Ave.
- GRAND CENTRAL: probably on 43rd St. between Vanderbilt and Madison, near west entrance of Grand Central Station.
- PENN STATION: probably on 33rd St. between 6th and 7th Ave., just NE of Penn Station

Locations will be confirmed and updated by text alert (sign up at http://becausewewantit.org) and email around 7am tomorrow.

** Also, TONIGHT, 5pm-8pm (if time is tight tomorrow or you just can’t wait): **

Look for a white UHaul van near the NORTHWEST CORNER OF UNION SQUARE PARK. You’ll pick up the materials and KEEP THEM SECRET until TOMORROW MORNING, when you can distribute them wherever you happen to be, or on your commute.

WATCH TEXT ALERTS FOR ANY LOCATION CHANGES (sign up at http://becausewewantit.org). We’ll also send another email around 5pm.

** THINGS TO BRING: **

- A bag that can hold a big bundle of printed matter - as much as you can carry. Think big canvas bags, big backpacks, rolling carts, etc.
- Warm clothes
- Friends (or we will team you up)

What will happen:
Something cool! You’ll receive materials and instructions when you arrive. NOTE: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO DID THIS. We want to maintain maximum mystery around this, for as long as possible - at least for a couple of days.

Tomorrow morning we’ll also have an online viral campaign - a quick click before you take off for work can make a big difference!

Thank you again for volunteering your time and energy!

See you soon,
The many secret people YOU DO NOT KNOW

Good on the Times for being such good ol’ boys about it though (and for anticipating the demand for these hotcakes on eBay):

Via the New York Times City Room Blog:

“I would say if you’ve got one, hold on to it. It will probably be a collector’s item. I’m just glad someone thinks The New York Times print edition is worthy of an elaborate hoax. A Web spoof would have been infinitely easier. But creating a print newspaper and handing it out at subway stations? That takes a lot of effort. I consider this a gigantic compliment to The Times.”

You can download a PDF of the fake paper on the accompanying fake website.

I forgive you for the harpsichord song.

It’s about damn time one of our friends found themselves in the middle of a Smoking Gun investigation. Ladies and gentlemen, young Jay McCarrol — star of Nirvana the Band the Show, one of the few web comedy series we are guilty of enjoying — got caught impersonating a giant douchebag who happens to share his name. That’d be 34-year-old fashion designer Jay McCarroll (note the extra ‘l’) of Project Runway quasi-fame.

Jay McCarroll (winner of Project Runway) >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Jay McCarrol (of Nirvana the Band the Show)

“I’ve received numerous emails intended for the silly McCarroll over the last several years,” says our Jay McCarrol. This due in part to the fact they both own .com’s with the slight variation on their name.

But recently one of those emails was a pitch from news website The Daily Beast (run by Tina Brown, former editor of Vanity Fair and The New Yorker), asking McCarrol — who they obviously assumed was the fashionista double-L version — to design a gown as part of an article about what Michelle Obama should wear to the Inaugural Ball.

Cue sitcom theme.

The gown had to be “at once stylish, patriotic—and appropriately thrifty for a recession.” So, no doubt sensing the batshit insane ridiculousness of the situation, Jay enlists the help of a friend to sketch out a dress design… then issues a statement about it:

“From concept to cut this dress is symbolic of the new found responsibilities we as Americans have attained in light of our country’s economic crisis. The idea is simple, we as Americans need to live within our means, get back to basics, and rebuild a solid foundation to live upon.

God bless America bitches.”

And it’s a burlap sack with the American flag on it.

“My friend who designed the dress is one of my lifelong friends’ younger sister. She’s decided to remain anonymous in this whole thing,” says Jay. “And I don’t know why. I think it’d be a great way to potentially get your foot in the fashion world.”

Especially given the note he received back from the writer, according to TSG: “Awesome, thanks so much Jay! I love it,” a writer who later referred to it in print as “cocktail-length frock with a surprising amount of sex appeal for a sack-based garment” (LOLOLOL). Plus the design apparently got picked up by Us Weekly. So congrats, mystery designer ghost lady.

Needless to say, the whole shebang was taken offline when TSG ruined all the fun by cluing them in. And thankfully Jay hasn’t gotten in any serious trouble so far.

“Since the story just came out, I haven’t heard from any lawyers or anything — but I wouldn’t be surprised if I receive a cease and desist from impersonating the guy,” he says.

Check out the Smoking Gun piece for screen grabs + further awesomeness. And Nirvana the Band the Show for further Jay McCarrol.

Back by popular demand.

Aren’t they supposed to be natural enemies? EAT HIM. But actually, I can’t believe this can even exist as a regular feature. And is anyone as amused as I am by these posts activating smart ads by the WSPA?

So I was just regaling someone with the tale of this one house my friends and I used to trick or treat at. It was full of what we thought were cooler older kids, probably engineering students in retrospect, and instead of giving out candy bars each year, they would toss a crumply note into each of our sacks and then shut the door in our young faces. Usually the note would say ‘you suck’ or ‘your friend’s costume is ugly.’ Other times there’d be a drawing of a penis on it. Great, right? Second only to the house that gave out cans of pop. We went back every year.

Anyway, I’m looking wistfully into the street, telling this story, watching the first round of tonight’s trick-or-treaters, and realized that, shit, a lot of these kids’ costumes ARE ugly. I just saw a ghost costume. The worst. That kid probably wanted to be a velociraptor and his boring parents put a sheet on him. You have the opportunity to put make your kid look like the baddest kid ever (especially if they don’t know any better). So do it!

That doesn’t necessarily mean you should do something so offensive as to one-up everyone else on earth (though I guess if it’s in the comfort of one’s home…), but, you know, put some effort into your shiz, damn.

EDIT: And another thing: if you’re gonna cart around your baby while your older kid knocks on doors, at least have the good sense to sandwich-ify it or dress it like a lobster and put it in a pot.

In related news, the award for creepiest DIY costume ever goes to this guy.

And there you have your obligatory halloween content. See you out there.

Colbert is going to lose his shit.

But actually.

Via the beautiful and talented Bill Whish, “state-run TV in Lebanon produced a propaganda-filled children’s show about reclaiming the holy land and crushing the Jews. Only Mickey Mouse and a Bumble Bee are the ones doing the cute indoctrinations. Hilarious and terrifying at the same time. You could say they’re ‘Hilarifying.’” HIYO.

In this episode Farfour is beaten to death by an actor posing as an Israeli official trying to buy Farfour’s land:

Also this and this.

Thanks Bill. We loved you in The House Bunny.

From Craigslist Houston:

Need some light house cleaning. I’m pretty busy and not able to clean my apartment so I need someone to do some light work once a week or so. Here are some pictures to give a general idea.

For those who haven’t had their ear to the ground, we’re holding a JUICEBOXdotcom general meeting tonight with the goal of putting this drunken lout of a website back up on its boots.

Come hangarang if you have ideas for a weekly feature, general pitches, or a cash donation of upwards of $70. Or a slip-and-slide.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Lydon.

In a massive blow to Marge Simpson, originating narrator of Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends (oh, and former Beatle) Ringo Starr has decided to throw all of your fan mail in the garbage can.

Yes, nothing sent to this wizened old man will be signed after October 20th. Says Ringo in a “SERIOUS MESSAGE” via his website, “If that is the date on the envelope, it’s gonna be tossed. I’m warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do.”

Weh weh weh. So I guess this means his 1991 Simpsons appearance (wherein a much jauntier looking Mr. Starr answered every piece of mail that came near his towering hands) was a sham.

Dear Sally,
In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966, me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You’re a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.

Dear Marge,
Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung it on me wall. You’re quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French fries ‘chips’. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.

REMEMBER THE LAUGHS WE SHARED, RINGO?

But there you have it. Simpsons ruins everything. And Ringo is a douche. Seriously, why can’t he be like every other celeb and have Jeeves quietly dump his fan letters in the incinerator?

Edit: and in case you need somewhere to forward your junk mail to beginning Oct. 20:

Ringo Starr
1st Floor
90 Jermyn Street
London SW1Y6JD
UK

From Craigslist SF Valley, courtesy of our good friend Eleanor:

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM

Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days.

Major adult studio.

Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP

Pay: $2000-3000

No anal required

* Location: LA
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $2000-3000

And we’re back. Thanks for your patience. Hugs and kisses.