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THE KIDS TODAY: Whacking Day

Posted on December 21, 2008 by

Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and Saint Alvia). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he was nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

Soooo… the last thing I wrote for Juicebox got passed off as urban legend.

Let’s talk about another story I heard recently.

My friend Greg Taylor told me a tale that he heard from our friend Chris Danner who knew some people who had a pet snake. A big fucker like a boa or python. I, for one, am not sure why anyone would want a giant tube of evil made of leather skin who sports the face of Lucifer as a fucking pet. That shit is so far beyond me I can’t even begin to tell you. To top it off, you feed these hate tubes bunny rabbits. Cute, cuddly, hoppy bunny rabbits. Bunny Rabbits aka the only logical and worthy symbol of Christ’s resurrection. Man you have to be soooo twisted to have a snake.

Anyway, this couple, we’ll call them Sam and Ashley for the sake of this story, loved their pet snake. They loved it so so much. They let the little Hate Tube slither freely around their den of idiocy, also known as their home. They loved this guy so much that they would let it sleep in their bed. Yeah, get that.

So they’re growing to love the snake more and more and doing whatever it takes to keep the fucking thing happy. It got to the point where they were feeding it whole bunny rabbits. Bunny rabbits! But eventually it wouldn’t eat the bunnies. It wouldn’t even touch them. Oh no, they thought, our hell mouth of a pet may starve!

They bring the little guy to the vet and the doctor can’t seem to notice anything wrong with it, so he sends them home and tells them to keep watching for odd behaviour.

In the days to come, this ungrateful piece of shit still won’t eat the bunnies. And they’re noticing that sometimes when they wake up, the snake is straight as an arrow, stiff as a board.

“Unusual for a snake,” they thought, and went back to the doctor.

So doc hears that this Hate Tube is still not eating and now it’s maintaining these weird sleeping habits. What does he tell them? He tells them they HAVE to get rid of their pet because it’s FASTING AND PREPARING TO EAT THEM. What the fuck!!!! It’s a snake!!! Who sleeps with a hungry snake???!!!!

It’s like that grizzly man. He lived with bears. How did he die you ask? I’ll give you one guess.

These are wild animals. You might as well try to tongue kiss a lion. So I ask you readers to ponder this tale, as it has all the makings to be an urban legend. And it probably is. But I think I have to believe snakes exist. There’s just so much evidence.

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THE KIDS TODAY: Colombian Muling

Posted on December 10, 2008 by

Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and the Saint Alvia Cartel). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he was nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

So this is a different kind of Kids Today. This is more of a cautionary tale about not to trust napping outside of Canada.

My friend Cam’s brother’s name is Guy. Guy is a nice “guy.” A little rough around the edges, enjoys simple pleasures like hustling money, having “cold ones,” and hurting people (especially Cam).

Recently in life Guy has met a girl in Colombia and has been spending time there. I think there is talk of marriage but I guess time will tell.

So on Guy’s last trip he was taking a nap on the beach. Guy felt something tickle his arm, figured it was just a bite of some sort. When Guy got home, his “bite” had become bothersome. He started to think it was a massive ingrown hair. Fevers started accompanying the pain.

While spending time at Cams, Guy started messing with this “ingrown hair.” It was starting to pus and Cam described it to me as being the size of a nipple.

He then mesed with it a bit and something long and black seemed to fall out. He tugged on it and Cam swears it was a leg.

Guy went to the doctors and they figured it was a bot fly. Apparently a type of fly that lays eggs in flesh. He scheduled his appointment to have this bot fly removed surgically and got on medication for his fevers. The fevers just got worse and worse.

He went in for the procedure and what they found was not a bot fly at all but a freaking tarantula!!!!!!!! It was still in the sac and was using his arm as a womb!!!!!!! It was laying belly up and maturing into a full blown spider!!! FUCKING GROSS!!!!!!!

He was getting fevers due to the venom leaking into his system. If he had waited much longer he probably wouldn’t have survived. That shit is just fucking crazy.

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The Kids Today: Charitable Causes

Posted on October 14, 2008 by

Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and the Saint Alvia Cartel). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he was nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

I know, I know that charitable causes are good. Helping kids and cancer and all that stuff is good for them and good for the soul and whose soul couldn’t use some saving? But things are getting out of hand and certain people hardly know what they’re fighting for. Many just team up for “safe” causes because it makes them look like they give a shit about more than their reflection.

For some ungodly reason I was watching E! Talk daily and the topic of Travis Barker and DJ Am’s plane crash came up. The quote that followed the horrific story was this: “Lindsey Lohan has spoken out on her Myspace Against The Tragedy” (you may want to read that sentence twice).

How does one speak out against plane crashes?

The first image that came to mind was a post on a hot pink myspace that read: “Dear friends, this is no time for LoL’ing. When will this madness stop? Don’t people know plane crashes are terrifying and dangerous? stop the madness!!” I then imagined a charity event hosted by her and her gay DJ pal and all the other young Hollywood train wrecks called “Plane and Simple.”

Will Lindsey Lohan get her head out of the blow pile on whatever vagina she’s eating long enough to actually think about what she’s saying any more than getting her assistant to write a blurb on her myspace? And how many “fans” will actually buy into this “awareness”?

To be honest, what the fuck is all this “awareness” doing? I’ve put my looney into some Darfur awareness bin and actually felt good about myself. What? because i give a buck to “awareness”? Here, give me money and I’m going to tell you that living in Darfur probably blows massive balls. Here’s a pin or a ribbon. Fuck, we all suck. Maybe everyone who needs a cause that isn’t part of an international organization that will actually do something, can start looking for ways to better our situations at home. Our homeless, our citizens with drug problems. Then you can raise awareness and follow through with action. My cause today is making people “aware” that “awareness” is fucking retarded. Because I, like everyone else, am a hypocrite. Go Vote.

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THE KIDS TODAY: Super Fan Edition

Posted on June 5, 2008 by

Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and the Saint Alvia Cartel). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he was nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

So it was a cold ass winter day in Toronto like so many were this year. I had caught wind a few weeks earlier that our good friends Matt Costa and co. were going to be coming to Toronto to play the Phoenix. We’d met those dudes earlier that year on a tour with Bedouin Soundclash. I had also learned that they were set to play the MTV Live program earlier that day, so I was stoked to go down early and get a jump on my evening.

When we arrived, there were a ton of fans outside and even more people with cameras who had that media look about them. Now I’m pretty out of touch and my first reaction was, “DAMN, Matt’s new record must be DESTROYING.”

Filled with the pride of my pals, we went down to the green room. We were informed that security was extra tight today and to make sure not to lose our passes. Nice one, Matt!

But as I said my hellos, I got a look at the green room TV and there it is — Sporty Spice. Those media were not there because of Matt and the boys, but because Mel fucking C was the guest of honour. More… »

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REVIEW: Forgetting Sarah Marshall (Dir. Nicholas Stoller)

Posted on May 10, 2008 by

So, my brother Cole and I are on our way to see a midnight showing of Iron Man, we smoke a tiny bowl and head to our local theater to get tickets.

We had planned on getting our tix around 10-ish, then get some ice cream because its delicious. We enter the building to buy our tickets and to our dismay, no fucking midnight Iron Man.

So we skipped ice cream and went and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Its pretty funny. Lots of dick shots in it which I bet my brother was totally into.

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THE KIDS TODAY: Controlling Women

Posted on March 10, 2008 by

Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and the Saint Alvia Cartel). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he’s nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

women.jpg

I, like many humans with a penis, like to have sex with a woman. I love all my friends who have penises and like to have sex with dudes, but this is about dudes who were born with vaginas. The day I get drunk enough to sleep with a dude who was born with a penis, I’ll write about it, but for now I’ll stick with what I know (or have kind of fumbled around with in the past).

One popular trend I have seen lately which seems to be sweeping the nation is controlling women. Now, I get it. I love that Weezer song as much as the next dude (you know the “Laugh for No One Else” jam?) More… »

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