Planes Mistaken For Stars
We Ride To Fight! The First Four Years

The first thing I heard from Planes Mistaken For Stars was their wicked awesome song ‘Belly Full of Hell’ off Up In Them Guts, which still stands as the best album title of all time. Anyway, I remember thinking, wow, this song is really complex and amazing, how I wish I had an auditory document of this band’s early days! OK, I didn’t really think that, but now that there is one, I’m glad I have it. Nothing on here is as balls-out killer as ‘Belly Full of Hell’, but that’s the point, right? The real reason this record is great is cause of the four Black Flag covers. Yeah, every remotely punk band in existence has some cuts from Damaged floating about somewhere, but I say with zero hyperbole that PMFS’s are the tightest. ‘Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie’ should’ve always sounded this exciting. Three hungry hungry hippos out of four.

Glass and Ashes
s/t

I’m gonna commit a punk-rock sin here and just come out with it. This is always awkward, but… I don’t like Hot Water Music, except for ‘Paper Thin,’ which is a totally rad song. They always came across as total bros who would totally have beat me up in high school, and then go play their burly everyman punk rock to the adulation of everyone, and gotten mad play in the process. Regardless of whether or not this is true (feel free to correct me with a well-placed comment below), that’s just how they came across to 17 year-old me. So how does this fit in with this Glass and Ashes record? Cause this record is like Hot Water Music sans the ultra-anthemic hooks, the burliness, and, to my lil ol’ ears, a whole lot more cred. That being said, this is a No Idea Record, all right. You got your crunchy power chords, you got your world-weary yelling guy, and you got your half-time breakdowns with the single-string riffage until you start picking it up and then rage some more. Glass and Ashes got their formula, and it works. Three Flava Flav clocks outta five.

PLUS!
SUPER SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE!
A GREAT FORGOTTEN RECORD!

The VSS
Nervous Circuits

So this isn’t really a review, it’s more of a check-this-shit-out-it’s-so-hype-you-can’t-miss-it deal. Hydra Head reissued this little gem of a record, and I thought to myself, JUICEBOXdotcom readers love amazing 90’s art-punk records, I must let them know! So, here we go. Lemme drop some knowledge in your headbox first. See, once upon a time (1991), there was this San Diego record label called Gravity Records, who were totally rad cause they had bands like Heroin, Antioch Arrow, Angel Hair, and this little two-piece band called the VSS. Gravity Records’ bands were all incredibly punk rock, but also super arty and weird, and none of them could really play (except for exceptions like Unwound). Anyway, The VSS were no different, except every song on Nervous Circuits is crazy good. You got screeching guitar ‘riffs’, weird-as-fuck electronics, rudimentary drumming, and this maniac yelping all over it. It was like all I listened to in Grade 11, and now you can pick it up with relative ease! Listen to ‘Lunar Weight’, officially the best song of 1997, if you don’t believe me. Sonny Kay, the band’s singer, went on to form the Gold Standard Laboratories label, which officially has one of the most solid hit-to-miss release ratios of any label ever, and the band Year Future, who also got my stamp of approval. Just thought you guys should know.

I always pop a huge double-boner for this band whenever I hear about them ‘cause a) their name is a total Star Wars homage, and b) they’re the ones responsible for the theme to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Man, that’s a good theme. I think it was like the third thing I ever learned to play on guitar.

Anyway, if you’re paying attention: Star Wars! And Buffy! That’s already a huge amount of dork points in Nerf Herder’s favour. Too bad IV is like the single most derivative record of all time. If you’re gonna be all goofy and mix your punk with your pop and write songs about high school reunions and give them titles like “I’m Not A Loser,” you better be the Descendents or maybe a really good Descendents cover band. You know when you’re 16 and you’re pouring water into your parents’ wine bottle and then your parents have a little soirée and your dad is all, “What the dickens is wrong with this wine?” Imagine the Descendents are the untouched wine bottle, see, and then this Nerf Herder record is the same bottle after you’ve diluted it with all the… uh… you know what, I think you get the drift of what I’m going for here. In conclusion, Milo Goes To College is such a fucking sweet record, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is still totally bitchin’.

Author, at centre, in homemade bumblebee costume.

In these modern times chockablock full of data streams and data ports and data nuggets, it’s becoming harder and harder to determine who’s a nerd. Dude working in the cubicle next to you could be a level 79 Dwarf Priest in World of Warcraft. The cute barista’s gonna jet right home after work and fire up her Xbox 360 to kick ass in Gears of War.

Back in the day, if you let it be known that you were into computers or Nintendo, you were asking for a beatdown from the Chet and Gords of this world. But now Chet and Gord make a wicked tag-team in Team Fortress 2.

While the social climate of today is admittedly a hell of a lot more accepting of us basement-dwellers than in the past — take heart, geekazoids: there are still a few options for those of us who still crave the old stigmas. If you’re terrified that girls are actually starting to talk to you instead of just staring at your Cheeto-stained neckbeard, just become crazy-obsessed with any of the things on this list. And soon, all will be right with the Force once more…

THE NEW BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
This show has it all. Babealicious robots. Cool-ass spaceships that sometimes (often) shoot at other cool-ass spaceships. Hunkalicious dudes, if you’re a girl or into that (and in these times of upheaval for geekdom, who knows, you know?)

The show’s now in its fourth and final season, with the humans on the verge of finding the mythical planet Earth (I know, eh!?) and the cyborg Cylon race hell-bent on getting there before them… and also killing them all. However, nerds should tread carefully; the new BSG often weaves in allusions to real-world events, and a true dork doesn’t wanna get caught up in a discussion about Iraq when you could be talking about how many lightyears the Galactica can travel in a single hyperspace jump.

METAL
Now, hold up, wait a minute, you might be saying. Metal is for nerds? I thought it was strictly for big dudes who wear the same black shirt every single day and have never so much as talked to a girl, complete social reject-oh. OH. Yeah, that works.

Metal is definitely the geekiest type of music. I don’t care what ‘subgenre’ you listen to. When you listen to metal, you are a nerd. And that’s by no means a bad thing; the appeal and power of metal is in its group mentality and the sense of belonging its fans experience. I’m just sayin’, songs about hobbits and dragons and monsters, not to mention totally bitchin’ riffage? Count me in, dudes.

ALL THOSE ADULT SWIM CARTOONS
Not gonna lie, I’ve never really understood the appeal of most of these. I tried to watch The Brak Show once and I think I blacked out. Space Ghost, same deal. I watched an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force once when I had the flu and it was kinda funny. Anyway, the point is, nerds worship these shows religiously for some reason, and they’re pretty much built around dumb catchphrases that you can regurgitate with your friends and no one else is gonna sit at your lunch table and put up with that.

ANIME
‘Japanese animation.’ Energy balls and dinner-plate eyes. GLORIOUS NIPPON. Get a life you geeks. Fuck anime, seriously.

RPGs
The big one. Whether it’s in video game or tabletop form, role-playing games are still wholly the domain of nerds and the nerdly-at-heart. At their core, role-playing games revolve around the idea of complete character customization: you create your ‘avatar,’ ‘level up’ to increase your ‘HP’ and gain various ‘abilities.’ If these terms are wholly unfamiliar to you, congratulations dude, you have probably banged more girls than I will ever see in my whole life.

Of course, the first major RPG to enter the public consciousness was Dungeons and Dragons in the 80’s, but the 21st century is the RPG’s second coming. World of Warcraft has somehow transcended its origins and gotten to the point where even my mom has ‘definitely heard of it.’ And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Did you ever read that book, Snow Crash? (Trick question, every nerd ever has read this book). Second Life is gonna make that shit a reality.

I guess the point is, the only real way to stay on the cutting-edge of absolute geekdom is to roll with the punches. You’ve gotta seek out the crazy crap that no one else likes and stick to it like a barnacle, and then jump ship when the squares start coming aboard. Everything changes, dudes.

Keywords: Jeremy Mersereau Would Rather Not Listen to Seether

(Wind-Up)