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REVIEW: The Beatrix Potter Collection

Posted on May 18, 2008 by

beatrixpotter.jpgDoes anyone remember the straight to video G.I. Joe movie where Cobra teams up with an underground race of snake people to release space spores into the atmosphere that will de-evolve humans into amoebas? It’s a good movie. I think there was a scene in it where Bazooka gets hit by Cobra laser fire and it totally killed my eight-year-old boner because it was probably the first time Cobra had ever hit anyone despite constantly firing so many lasers it makes the laser floor of Joe Nightclub seem just as limp dicked as it’s patronage.

What made it one of the only things I can really remember about my childhood is that Bazooka (That’s right, his name was Bazooka. He also wore a football jersey instead of a uniform) leapt back to his feet, coolly growled “you shot my trigger finger,” and then beat the nearest Cobra soldier to death with his bare hands. Boner restored! That’s all I could really think about when I was watching the Beatrix Potter collection. Instead of buying this DVD set, parents should buy their kids toy guns.

Enough about Beatrix Potter though, have you heard that in the new G.I. Joe movie G.I. JOE stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity? It’s not even about how awesome America is! It’s about international pussies that foil terrorist plots using state of the art anti-terrorist technology. I think DJ Qualls plays General Hawk. This is a franchise that used to feature a character named Sgt. Slaughter. Is it just me, or do we not care that the next generation is going to grow up to be girls?

The film’s being produced by Di Bonaventura Pictures. They’re the guys that made a movie about an army of space robots that turn into big rigs and fighter jets, but made it boring. Don’t worry though, they hired Stephen Sommers to direct it. He wrote Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride. Fuck. (BBC Warner)

DVD, Hits & Misses | | 4 Comments »

REVIEW: Never Back Down (Dir. Jeff Wadlow)

Posted on May 10, 2008 by

neverbackdown.jpgDo you like The Karate Kid? Me too, kind of. See, I like the story but I hate good acting. That’s why I love Never Back Down. Ralph Macchio is like the coolest child actor ever, and that’s lame. Thankfully, the producers solved this problem in their retooling of this classic story by casting Kevin Williamson, Josh Shwartz, and David E. Kelly’s leftovers. Brilliant.

Another brilliant move was casting a katrillion extras that are about a hundred times sexier than the principle actors so you don’t even notice the shitty performances. But do the performances even matter in a movie like this? No. They don’t. What really matters is if it kicks ass or not. And it does. It kicks ass in a way that makes you feel like it’s the first day of summer and you just know that this is the year you are going to lose your virginity. This movie is seriously all the awesomeness (and all the plot points) of The Karate Kid with thousands of perfect tits in every shot. Come to think of it, this is probably the best movie ever made.

It also promotes a really irresponsible social message about solving all of your problems with violence, which I totally respect. I even hope to one day actually be in a fight. I think I would feel really good about myself afterwards. Never Back Down plays out my ultimate fantasy of being able to kick the shit out of some guy and be totally vindicated in doing so because he messed with my chick or talked shit about my dead father, both of which happen in this film. I think all pussies secretly have this fantasy.

In the case of Never Back Down the antagonist is the guy that killed Marrissa on the O.C. so you instantly hate him and it works great as a cross over for all those who want to see Volchok finally get his up and cummins. I know it sounds like I’m being sarcastic but I’m not. In the future, having seen this movie will be criteria for applying to vote, it’s that important. The future is going to be violent, and sexy, and we will worship mixed martial artists. (Summit Entertainment)

Film, Hits & Misses | | 8 Comments »