Author Archive

The Recession: Now with fewer risks of dying

Posted on February 25, 2009 by

The Recession. It blows. For me. For you. For your mom. For your dog. For the car you wanted to drive. For the house with the picket fence your wife wanted. And for the chinchilla I wanted to adopt.

You know what it doesn’t suck for? Dying while you’re swimming in the ocean. Some major shark attack association reports a significant drop in shark attacks on humans in 2008 from 2007. Apparently there were 78 attacks this past year, as opposed to 91 the year before that. Don’t worry though, the same amount of people died due to the attacks (4).

Basically this association is claiming that because of the lagging economy fewer people are out vacationing, and hence, sharks are not privy to as much of our tasty flesh. Fewer people are traveling to exotic destinations and beaches where sharks roam because they are spending wisely and some are not traveling at all.

You know what I think? I think that sharks are just doing their part. I think sharks, even though we paint them as the devil incarnate, are actually very sympathetic toward humans and simply attack us because they fear humans getting so comfortable under the sea that we start living there. They’ve watched us make films like The Little Mermaid and assume they represent our ambitions.

But sharks fucking care man. They see how unstable and stressed people are. They know how hard it is to get away for an all-inclusive in these hard times. So they are lying back a bit, letting us chill out and live a little longer. They are eating some krill instead of legs (also as a big fuck you to the whales who also eat this krill). They are trying to show us that they have feelings too, and that they know how to make tough ethical decisions. So I’m gonna be the first one to appreciate them. Hopefully you all follow suit.

Sharks of the world, if you are reading, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Well there you have it. I’m now talking to animals via the internet. This is a JUICEBOXdotcom first. And if sometime in 2010 or 2011 you find yourself swimming in cash, riding your new Jag to work, reading articles about my cute new chinchilla, and taking a vacation down to Cabo San Lucas, remember this one thing: don’t go into the water. Because the sharks will manglefuck the shit out of you.

Old Stuff | | 8 Comments »

SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS – February 15, 2009

Posted on February 17, 2009 by

Last week I came off as really bored. Which I really was. Sports got boring for a couple days. But this week they came back with a fucking fury!

This week In Being Paid 27.5 Million A Year
Even if you don’t follow Baseball, you’ve definitely heard the names “Barry Bonds” and “Rogers Clemens” in the same sentence as the word “Steroids” and “Fat Cunner.” Basically, two of the best baseball careers ever have been tainted by cheating allegations (allegations that are likely realities).

Well this week Alex Rodriguez, the player that was on his way to being the best ever and the “savior” of the MLB, admitted to using steroids from 2001-2003. Well that’s it folks. Baseball is forever tainted. The American pastime is now a farce. Last April I wrote Six Reasons To Go See the Blue Jays This Summer, this year I will write 6 Reasons Not To Fucking Care. Instead I will write about the wicked drunk movie nights I’ve been having (see last week’s article).

This week In Saving Your Job
Rogers cut 1,000 jobs. Do you think Ted woulda let that happen? No fucking way. Also, the Blue Jays haven’t made a single fucking move this off-season, prompting me to rip JP Ricciardi (the man in charge of absence of off-season moves) a new fucking asshole using the Internet. *RRRRRRIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP* Make me care for fuck’s sake!

Other Insane Shit
The NBA All Star game was on last night. I didn’t watch it. But guess what! (what) The Toronto Raptors are awful. In fact, every time in the NBA is awful except for four of them. The Raps made a long anticipated move last week, trading Shawn Marion for Jermaine O’Neal (baby dolphin) and Jamario Moon (from Meridian Community College). If you don’t know what that means, it’s ok. I don’t either. Check back with me in October about basketball.

Old Stuff | | 2 Comments »

SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS – February 8, 2009

Posted on February 8, 2009 by

I’m back! For the last six weeks Juicebox has been lamely rebranding itself, and now the sports blog that I work tirelessly to maintain has been reduced to a tiny little section in favour of some kind of music label that lets Sam and Ashley make more blood money for themselves [Ed.’s note: 100% of the blood money goes to the bands that create the records. Look forward to Luc’s new sports LP].

It’s great to be back.

This week in sports
Um… I’m not gonna lie. Since the Superbowl last Sunday, I have done nothing but look forward to the Baseball season (April 6th!). Hockey, Basketball… they’re dead to me… more dead to me than Kyle Fines. The teams I care about are really, really bad. In fact they just make me not want to write about sports. So what am I gonna do instead? Write about movies.

Movies I’m gonna go see while drunk in 2009
4Fast4Furious – Aw man, its gonna be so awesome. Original Model, New Parts, More Vin Diesel and Paul Walker looking like they want to bone each other’s dads.

Dragonball: Evolution – If you’re like me, you are the rare breed of mega nerd/mega jock. In grade 10 you’d come home from hockey practice and play Starcraft for a couple of hours. You read the Dragonball Z comic books and you’re gonna go see the live action movie in 2009. Man… I don’t want to remember a thing.

Terminator: Salvation – It’s gonna be bad. I don’t care what screen shots you may have seen or how much Christian Bale is great these days, this movie is gonna blow. So you will need me there in the theatre to yell out random Blue Jays’ names and offer you whiskey out of my flask.

Crank 2: High Voltage – What’s better than Jason Statham snorting cocaine off a bathroom floor and plowing Amy Smart in Chinatown? Jason Statham needing electricity to stay alive. Instant bonnerfication.

Final Destination: Death Trip 3D – No Explanation Required.

Old Stuff | | 2 Comments »

Review: Ghost Town (Dir. David Koepp)

Posted on January 6, 2009 by

Have you ever imagined what The Sixth Sense would have been like if the little kid hadn’t been such a bitch and had tried to actually listen to all the dead people? Maybe they just needed help or something, like Mischa Barton did (hot even when far too young and vomiting).

Well Ghost Town does just that, pitting a live and well Ricky Gervais (who plays a bitter about life Dentist) versus the ghostly remains of a tuxedo laden Greg Kinnear. Kinnear wants Gervais to get his widow (Tea Leoni on the comeback path) to still love him or something, and surprisingly enough Gervais and Leoni end up having the hots for each other. Makes perfect sense, considering Leoni is engaged to none other than the Rocketeer himself Bill Campbell (boner).

Whatever. This movie was pretty good and entertaining. And the best part by far is Alan Ruck with a very minute and cheesy role as some dead dad.

4 out of 5 Bangbuses

Note: This film is not to be confused with There’s Something About Mary, The Sixth Man, Ghost World, Just Like Heaven, Spanglish, What Lies Beneath, or GhostBusters II.

DVD, Hits & Misses | | 2 Comments »

Top 10 Ways to Save Money During the 2009 Recession

Posted on December 30, 2008 by


Well I saw it, and I stayed away from it and other such sales. You probably didn’t though, and that’s why you’ll need these top 10 ways to save money during the 2009 recession:

10. Get that shit used
Unless you’re really adamant about having a hardcover copy of Twilight with the 10% off Indigo sticker on it, I suggest you consult places like Craigslist beforehand for pretty much anything you want to buy. Or even ask your friends! Or your mom! (Hot?)

9. Walk
Walk to the bar, to your friend’s house, to the eye exam, to your booty call. Or steal a bike in the summer. Either way, you will feel healthy and save the planet all at once. Plus you will work up an appetite for that booty call (also free. I hope).

8. Cheap Films

Go to Rainbow Cinemas, or whatever fucking theatre in your little town lets you see movies for $7 and under. Or look up where movies are playing for free. The movie won’t be good, but its something to do once you…

7. Dump your girlfriend
Ladies beware, if you constantly ask your boyfriend to cab everywhere or to stop making pasta every night, you may soon be dumped. Gentlemen – the bitch has got to go.

6. Revert to College Party Mode
Cheap bars, cheap beers, cheap bitches. If going to places like “Lot 332” and “Cheval” are costing you dicks and asses in expensive vodka 7s and cab rides to follow your crush around, then maybe heading back to your old digs to drink $11 pitchers is the smart thing to do. After all, people born in the 1990s turn 19 this year! (Gross)

5. Don’t use condoms

I’m kidding. Please use them.

4. Drink Water
Get yourself one of those thick plastic containers Sam has on the end of his backpack and fill it water. Don’t buy that bottle of Dasani or Spritz Up – fill up at your friends house. Again you will feel like you are saving the environment (key words = “feel like”).

3. Don’t go back to school
Just don’t. People always say this is a good idea. Just go take one class or pickup a For Dummies book on the topic you want to learn about. Just like they’re doing at York right now. Zzzzzzzzzzing!

2. Take up a hobby
Chess is fun. Learn it, then come over and challenge me. I’m serious. I’ll give you a pudding if you can beat me.

1. Ditch newspapers, read JUICEBOXdotcom
Check this one off the list. Way to go! Now pickup the phone and tell Stacey you never want to see her again. Then walk to a free movie, moneybanks.

Old Stuff | | 8 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: 2008, the year that hardly thrilled me

Posted on December 28, 2008 by

Two Thousand And Eight was another fantastic and shitty year in sports. There were moments that absolutely disgraced the profession and made me want to steal someone’s copy of Twilight and get addicted*, and there were moments that truly gave me that boner everyone else would get if they understood what WHIP is in baseball. Anyway, I’ve decided to hand out awards.

* I am aware that there is a baseball scene in this.

My favorite moment of 2008
On June 20th in Pittsburg (a game I attended), Roy Halladay was struck in the temple by the ball hit by Nyger Morgan of the Pirates. The ball bounced so high up that Jays third basemen Scott Rolen had time to catch it. Try and put that on a Chuck Norris list.

A close 2nd: Alex Ovechkin proclaiming upon receiving the key to Washington DC “Today I am President… no speed limit!”

The World/America’s favourite moment of 2008
People love records. Even ones they can’t really relate to. I mean, I wish I knew how hard it was to win the 100 metre butterfly or 100 metre sprint at the Olympics… but I don’t. The media does however, and the Michael Phelps/Usain Bolt dominating the spotlight in Beijing takes the top spot.

A distant 2nd:
Tiger winning the 2008 US Open with basically one leg.

My least favorite moment of 2008
At some point in April, I sat in the Rogers Centre for over 5 hours as the game went to 14 fucking innings and past midnight. You know who lost the game for the Jays? The $82.5 million man himself, AJ fucking Burnett. I’m gonna throw a fucking anthrax paper airplane at you when you come back.

Biggest Vagin of 2008
Oh god. There are way too many 2008 vagins, all with excellent justification for this honour. I’ll go with what the general public hates the most… they hate cheaters, they hate potty-mouths, rebels, wife beaters, Madonna fuckers, etc. But above all, we all really fucking hate people who don’t treat their animals right, and that’s YOU Michael Vick.

Soggy 2nds: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Plaxico Burress, Sean Avery, Barry Melrose, Stephon Marbury, Alex Rodriguez, and the entire Chinese gymnastics team.

Best Sports Related Film of 2008

Outlook on the New Year
We all know that no matter how many of your friends got married, had a baby, graduated from college, got a job at Urban Outfitters, used Boba Fett to get laid, and lost their virginity, you will always remember 2008 as the year everyone’s parents lost a fuckload of money.

The ripple effects of the meltdown are not yet apparent in the sports world (thanks to the Yankees), as salaries are already set before seasons begin. But it will be felt. Clubs will lose money and fans. Some may even fold. The NHL might lose a few teams, or they could see resurgence as Americans seek cheaper entertainment (an NHL game in Phoenix costs $9 versus $24 for the NBA).

Basically, I expect the plot from Baseketball to take full effect by 2009. All those dudes from Yo Mama with Wilmer Valderama will have full time jobs.

My football team for the week
I told all you faithful readers (mom) that this column would return in week 17, and has it ever! My team this week is the Detroit Lions, the only bright spot for all those auto workers!

Old Stuff | | 9 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: December 21, 2008

Posted on December 21, 2008 by

Vagin of the week
This week’s honor goes to Shaquile O’Neal, who became only the 2nd NBA player to ever miss 5,000 free throws. If you don’t know what a free throw is, its when someone on the other team touches you too hard, and you get to stand 10 feet away from the net and take a free shot. That’s right, no one’s in your way, you don’t have to jump, you just get a free point. Or in Kazaam’s case, 5,000 squandered opportunities. To put this all in retrospect, Steve Nash has only ever missed 253.

This week in douches that used to play for Toronto sports teams
I’m not mad that he signed with another team. I’m not mad that the team is Vancouver. I’m not mad that he once said he wanted to finish his career with the Leafs, regardless of their success. I’m mad that last February, when he could have waived his no trade clause and helped Toronto’s future, he said he didn’t want to be a “rental player” and wanted to win the Cup by playing an entire season with a team. Oh right, the NHL season starts in January now, I completely forgot.

Well, goodbye Mats Sundin… you’re living out your American dream.

Top 5 Former Toronto athletes who are little bitch divas
5. Roger Clemens
4. Paul Tracy*
3. Eric Lindros
2. David Wells
1. Vince Carter

* He never really ”played” for Toronto (he races cars), but he’s from here. And he’s a monstrous douche.

This week in Canadian sports history
On December 19th, 1984, Wayne Gretzky scored two goals and four assists, becoming the fastest hockey player to ever score 1,000 points. He did it in 424 games which is 296 games faster than anyone ever had (Gordie Howe = 720 games). Just how great did Gretzky’s career go on to be? He is first on the all time list with 2,857 career points. Second Place? Mark Messier with 1,887.

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way: luc@juiceboxdotcom.

Old Stuff | | 3 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: December 14, 2008

Posted on December 14, 2008 by

This is a special collector edition of the Sexy Sunday Sports Section.

This week we celebrate America and how the most popular baseball team in the world is setting the example during tough economic times by frivolously spending insane amounts of money on pitchers.

The New York Yankees have signed CC Sabathia (formerly a Milwaukee Brewer) and AJ Burnett (formerly and currently a shitty pitcher) to a 7 year/$161 million contract and a 5 year/$82.5 million contract, respectively. Which brings the ultimate question:

What you and your buddy could buy with USD$243,500,000:

-174,820,144 Big Macs

-53,642,384 shares of Domino’s Pizza Inc.

-30,413,016 used copies of Jingle All The Way

-16,200,000 mickeys of JD

-you could see Seven Pounds 12,150,000 times

-6,944,841 copies of Pokemon Pearl (or Diamond)

-6,075,000 sets of the Twilight book series

-745.000 full outfits at Aritzia

-486,000 iPhones (in Canada)

-12,150 2009 SmartCars (Urkel Car) including the insurance

-243 Tim Horton’s franchises

-97 times a CFL team’s payroll

-9 times A-Rod’s contract

-8 trips to space with NASA (or 29 trips with the Russians)

-1 big fucking waste of money

So long AJ you stupid sack of worthless shit.

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way

Old Stuff | | 12 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: Dec. 7, 2008

Posted on December 7, 2008 by

Vagin of the week
As if you didn’t know who it would be. This man.

This week in sports history
Today is Terrell Owens’ birthday!

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week (still)
Raptors head coach Sam Mitchell was fired because the team is supposed to be better and it’s actually worse. Well… maybe the other teams are just better now. Either way, the only Canadian NBA team now has a Canadian head coach in Jay Triano! And it will be like that for at least six games! Six games they will lose! YAY!

In other news, Andrew Bargnani, if you’re reading, I got two words for you: YOU FUCKING SUCK YOU DAZED LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.

This week in keeping your mouth shut
This week’s event is summed up in an interview with my girlfriend who wishes to remain anonymous:

Me: So what happened this week?
GF: Sean Avery called Elisha Cuthbert ‘sloppy seconds’
Me: Why?
GF: I don’t know…maybe because he’s jealous the other dude (Dion Phaneuf) has her?
Me: And why is it bad to call her sloppy seconds?
GF: Because it’s rude and degrading.
Me: How would you feel if I dumped you for Elisha?
GF: Well she’s pretty and famous so I couldn’t really hold it against you. And then she could introduce me to her actor friends and I could do them. Actor friends like Daniel Craig.

This week’s pop quiz
Would you bang Elisha Cuthbert because:

a) she banged most of your favourite hockey players
b) she is Jack Bauer’s daughter
c) you had a crush on her in Popular Mechanics For Kids
d) she was in Love Actually for 4 seconds

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way

Old Stuff | | 7 Comments »

Teddy, we hardly knew ye

Posted on December 2, 2008 by


Say what you will about the Blue Jays. Say what you will about conglomerate empires. Say what you will about shitty customer service. Say what you will about business tycoons. Say what you will about an infamous quick temper. Say what you will about capitalism. Say what you will about expensive iPhones. Say what you will about CHFI.

In 1983 he took a risk, pouring $500,000 of his own money into wireless communication (even after his own wife advised against it). He wasn’t a visionary, but rather an opportunist, and pushed hard to get his company to the point it is today (while taking the rest of Canadian media along for the evolutionary ride).

Yes, it’s corny, but today I think you should take a second to remember the man who helped put us on the map.

Old Stuff | | 2 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: Nov. 30, 2008

Posted on November 30, 2008 by

Vagin of the week
OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT PLAXICO BURRESS AT A NIGHT CLUB! Oh wait… no no, he simply shot himself by accident in the leg (slow clap). The man with the best name in football on the best team in football found a hilarious way to potentially end his season and career. He is now one of my Vagins. Welcome Plaxy, welcome.

Notable Mentions: Stephon Marbury

This week in sports history
Gordie Fucking Howe. You dog, you. On November 27th, 1960, he became the first NHL player to score 1,000 points. Exactly a year later, he became the first to play in his 1,000th NHL game! Also on that same date in 1943, the CFL Grey Cup was won by the Hamilton Flying Wildcats. Can you imagine how terrifying a flying wildcat would be? No wonder they won. Fuck.

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week (again)
The sports world continues to leave me with too much air in my lungs (you know, as opposed to
breathless). The two worst kept secrets in sports received major spotlights this week: Brian
Burke officially became the General Manager of the Leafs, and people kept talking
about Lebron and the Knicks in 2010. Yawn. Thank god for Canadian politics saving my
week! Ooohh Aaaah.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Your grandparents retire there, and hockey players go there to die. Florida.

This week’s pop quiz
Would you want to date Paulina Gretzky because she is hot or because she is Wayne Gretzky’s daughter?

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way

Old Stuff | | 12 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: November 23, 2008

Posted on November 23, 2008 by

This week in sports history
On November 22nd 1989, Kirby Puckett signed a 3-year $9,000,000 deal with the Minnesota Twins. Pocket change right? Not exactly. He became the first player to ever sign for an average salary of 3 million a year. And that was just 19 years ago. Today, A-Rod gets 27.5 million annually, an inflation of 900% for the best player in baseball. (NOTE: Writing about Puckett’s contract induced a long trip through wikipedia, during which I read about Wayne Gretzky and his move to LA, etc. I also read about the Heritage Classic, which was played on November 22nd 2003!! WEIIRDDD)

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Knicks traded away contracts to potentially make room for Lebron James in 2010. But that’s actually really uncool. Roberto Luongo got injured today though, which is equally uncool because it will give people from BC one more thing to whine about and use as another reason to hate Toronto.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Obviously the Islanders are really bad, as I’ve been stating for weeks. But the Stars are turning into the 2008 Detroit Tigers, and things got even worse the other day when Brendan Morrow was injured for the season (thanks to Willie Whish for the info on that one). So the Dallas Stars are now projected to finish last in the NHL via my intricate formula (5×7+98/55x#games+#wins+1×0 = Dallas Stars)

Cool athlete power rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Bron Bron
2. Nadal
3. Zach Parise
4. Beckham (there a few days every year when I find Posh kinda hot…)
5. Tom Brady (maxin n relaxin!)

What I am watching this week
I moved my apartment around and now have a couch that faces the TV, hence I am one step to eventually watching something on it. Its 7:12 p.m. right now, the Leafs are on… don’t get me wrong, I care, but it’s like watching your kid’s swimming lessons when he is 12. It was fun a few years back, and he’s not really any good, and you’re crossing your fingers for the future when he might become a star. But until then, you just read the newspaper on the side and briefly look up once in a while.

Vagin of the week
Has Michael Vick had the honor of being one of my weekly Vagins? The former superstar quarterback-but-ran-a-dog-fighting-league-and-is-now-in-jail had a court date in Virginia the other day, during which several details of how he hung, drowned, and buried dogs emerged, all things that should now be done to him by horny dinosaurs when he gets out.

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way:

Old Stuff | | 2 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: November 16th, 2008

Posted on November 16, 2008 by

This week in sports history

Coolest thing that happened this past week

The Yankees offered CC Sabathia (CC does not stand for Canadian Club) a massive contract containing GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY!! It’s worth like $137,000,000. Economy crisis my ass, New York. If he ends up pocketing all that cash, he will be able to make SEVEN trips to space!

The Hockey Team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
I am gonna rip on the Islanders aalll year, baby. What the fuck is this??

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)

1. Lebron
2. Chris Bosh (maybe?)
3. Christiano Ronaldo (as suggested by Nikola Stojanovic, the retard. Go see his show “The Blogdriver’s waltz”, at Second City Toronto, November 30th!)
4. CC Sabathia
5. Wendel Clark in the day

What I am watching this week

Nothing. Its mid season for everyone. NFL, NBA, NHL… who effin cares. Check back for this column in three weeks.

Vagin of the week
Me, for missing an entire week worth of sports, a week in which the Leafs and Habs had a major brawl, the Hawks went undefeated, the Lions continued to eat dicks for lunch, and A.I. went to the Pistons (changing nothing). Oh, and Barack Obama became president, prompting good old Lindsay Lohan to say this.

Old Stuff | | 3 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section – November 2, 2008

Posted on November 2, 2008 by

This week in sports history
It was Halloween the other day. And on that day 45 years ago, Fred the Crimedog McGriff was born in Tampa Bay. I don’t really know much about his career, but his name is awesome!

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Phillies beat the Rays. The game lasted over 50 hours. How? It was delayed midway through by rain for two days. Meanwhile across town, the Sixers lost their season opener. No one noticed.

Oh and this.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Ok, it’s only the second week of this section, but it’s already pretty obviously gonna be the Islanders that finish last. How bad are things in Long Island? The top news story on their website is a feature about the personal life of their arena hostess Dina.

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. All the athletes in the Guitar Hero commercial combined
2. Dina’s BF
3. McGriff’s Kid
4. Matt Stairs
5. Kyle Osposo

What I am watching this week
I will be watching my girlfriend get way to drunk in the Caribbean. There will not be any televisions. Lots of shuffle board though.

Vagin of the week

The Tampa Bay Rays, for rolling over and dying. Eric Hinske for swinging at a pitch that was about four feet too far. And Tony Romo for being Tony Romo.

Old Stuff | | 1 Comment »

REVIEW: It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Posted on October 31, 2008 by

Twenty-Three. That’s how many times I’ve seen the best Charlie Brown episode of all time. Once each year since I was born.

Yeah, it’s better than the Christmas episode (“oooh”-ing in unison is no longer cool, you fucks), and way better than the rest. You got Charlie with the faulty ghost costume, the Halloween party with bobbing for apples, Snoopy doing his WWI flying ace routine, Pigpen still having dirt float around him even in costume, and the most classic of all scenes; Linus out in the pumpkin patch awaiting the Great Pumpkin.

You might think that the apple bobbing and weak costume originality outdate this show. But you forget that there is not a single parent in this show (Linus hangs out alone in the pumpkin patch until 4am), hinting towards a futuristic world where adults no longer exist and we remain children for our entire lives; a world where you are allowed to wear the exact same outfit everyday and where young people worship Beethoven.

So move aside Jules Verne, Charles M. Schultz is the best futurist of all time.

DVD, Hits & Misses | | 4 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: October 26, 2008

Posted on October 26, 2008 by

This week in sports history
It was a Sunday morning. I went downstairs and Dad popped a tape in the VCR. He apologized for making me go to bed early the night before, and then pressed play.

“Joe has had his moments. Trying to lay off that ball, low to the outside part of the plate, he just went after one. Two balls and two strikes on him. Here’s the pitch on the way, a swing and a belt! Left field! Way back! BLUE JAYS WIN! The Blue Jays are World Series Champions as Joe Carter hits a three run Home Run in the Ninth inning and the Blue Jays have repeated as World Series Champions! Touch em’ all Joe! You’ll never hit a bigger home run in your life!”

The date was October 24th, 1993, the day after the Toronto Blue Jays won their second consecutive World Series Championship.

Then they made this.

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The JuiceBox meeting! (no)

My football team for the week
Is there even any point in picking a team? Who the fuck would I pick this week? The Titans? The Redskins? Fuck that. This section of the column is going on hiatus. It will return in week 17. In the meantime:

The Hockey Team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
This section is the new shit. It’s the hot shit. It highlights what team I think will be the literal shit at season’s end (at which point we will find out how long I have been right for). Thus far, the New York Islanders look pretty terrible. Why? Because they have a goalie signed to a 15 year contract (average length is 3) who is often injured. And because no one wants to play there. And because they have a guy named Sean Bergenheim (which is probably the name of the museum he was conceived in).

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. OJ Mayo (yay a new OJ!)
2. Sean Bergenheim
3. Killian Innerblade
4. Anyone but the GM and Coach of the Bengals
5. Matt Stairs

What I am watching this week
I still don’t have cable, so I can’t watch too much. I try to check scores on my girlfriend’s Blackberry, but that’s about as far as I get. If you would like to start a fund for me to get cable, please contact the editors.

Vagin of the week
Whoever writes the ESPN Hockey power rankings is the Vagin this week. Anybody who refers to hockey fans as “puckheads” and uses comments like “a lack of a win puts the Flyers in le chateau bow wow” has got to be a fucking tool, especially the French part. Fucking Vagin.

Old Stuff | | 5 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: October 19, 2008

Posted on October 19, 2008 by

This week in sports history

On October 19th, 1873, representatives from Yale, Columbia, Princeton, and Rutgers got together and established the set of rules for intercollege American Football. That’s like 7 years after the civil war! The sport evolved and from 1920 to 1933, a few black players played in what would become the NFL, but due to a crazed owner, none after 1933. It wasn’t until after WWII that black men were allowed back into the league. CRAZY!

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The NFL turned itself upside down once again. This was insane. If you don’t follow football, I don’t know how to explain the Giants and Cowboys losing, not to mention all the other upsets. It’s like if a one-legged 4-year-old girl who is blind ran against Usain Bolt and beat him. Or like if you had a biggest boobies contest versus your girlfriend, and you somehow won.

Now, I write these reports on Fridays because I’m cheap and don’t have internet at home. Last night, the Red Sox came back from a 7-0 deficit to win game 5 of the ALCS and pull to 3-2. They’ve done this before, and they’ll do it again. By the time you read this on Sunday, Game 7 will likely be in progress. If you don’t like Baseball, just remember that you read it here first that Boston would win the World Series.

Also the NHL season started. But who fucking cares. (I do!)

My Football team for the week
The Titans will lose. The Bucaneers will win. The Bengals will suck.

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Knowshon Moreno
2. Drew Brees (actually??)
3. Ovechkin
4. Rafael Nadal
5. Anyone but Ocho Sinco

What I am watching this week

There will be a long few days off before the World Series begin. So I will take that time to hunt for a Halloween costume. Suggestions anyone?

Vagin of the week

Phil Mickelson for appearing in the latest episode of Entourage. His performance was pretty good, but season 5 is so bad that I will razz anybody that appears in it.

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Posted on October 8, 2008 by

This week in New York City sports history

On October 1st, 1961, Roger Maris hit his 61st home run of the season against the Red Sox (fittingly), breaking Babe Ruth’s single season record (although the Babe played fewer games a year). Steroids and Corked bats aside, this record still stands.

Coolest thing that happened this past week in New York City
Giant Killer Shark happened. It was amazing. A dude on the subway thought we were Dave Matthews Band, and told Aaron Zorgel (infamous JUICEBOXdotcom poster) “you look like the guy in that football movie.” I also went 2-4 in the Annual Central Park chess tournament (but actually).

In other news, the Yankees and Mets both missed the baseball playoffs in the same year both their stadiums are being torn down, which is basically the best thing ever. The Mets lost at home on the last day of the season, forcing them out of the playoff spot, and immediately following the game they had a celebration for the stadium.

My New York City Football team for the week
Giants, Giants, and morrreeeeeeeeeeeeee Giants!!

Cool New York City Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Eli Manning
2. Plaxico Burress (his first name is PLAXICO!)
3. Parnell, the guy who mangle fucked me in the chess tournament.
4. Henrik Lundqvist
5. Anyone not on the Islanders

New York City Vagin of the week
All the players, coaches, executives, board members, cheerleaders, beer vendors, all time greats, and fans of the Mets (that means you too Seinfeld).

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Sexy Sunday Sports Section: September 28th, 2008

Posted on September 28, 2008 by

This week in sports history
September 24th, 1988 was the biggest day in Canadian Sports history. Three days later, September 27th, the IOC held a press conference announcing that Ben Johnson had tested positive for Stanozolol, an anabolic steroid, and would be stripped of his gold medal in the 100 meter sprint at the Seoul Olympics.

In that week, the age of the steroid scandal was born. During this time, many legendary baseball players have been put to shame (Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds), the sport of professional cycling has been reduced to a joke, and every other sport league now has a mandatory drug testing policy. Including golf.

As for Ben Johnson, at first he denied having knowingly used the steroids, but then testified to having doped all through the 80s. Where is he today? Making fun of himself.

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Dolphins beat the Patriots last Sunday in a major, major upset. I predicted it. I am a genius. On a sadder note, last Sunday was also the final baseball game at Yankee Stadium which will be torn down very soon in favor of a new more powerful Death Star*. You can hate the Yankees all they want, but you can’t argue with the stadium that basically made baseball popular in North America. But you know what ISN’T sad? The Yankees missing the playoffs. Cry all you want Jeter, you little mid air swiveling bitch.

*The Yankees are often referred to as the evil empire and compared to Star Wars.

My Football team for the week
The St. Louis Rams. Yep, worst team in the league by far. But they will beat the Bills.

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Ovechkin (getting as much poon as possible before the season starts)
2. Carl Lewis circa 1988
3. CC Sabathia (big money big money big MONEY)
4. Man Ram
5. Everyone on the Tampa Bay Rays

What I am watching this week
Nothing. I am going to NYC with the Giant Killer Shark crew (see below article… and please buy some tickets). Baseball Schmaseball.

Vagin of the week
Lance Armstrong. Okay, your story is real cute and all, but don’t come back. You went out on top – keep it that way! Why do the best ever always make the stupidest decisions? Lance should have at least made something like Space Jam first…

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Sexy Sunday Sports Section: September 21, 2008

Posted on September 21, 2008 by

This week in sports history
On September 21, 2001, A-Rod (Alexander Rodriguez, pictured above with a purse), hit his 47th home run of the season and tied the major league record for dingers in a season by a shortstop. The record dated back to 1958, to Ernie Banks of the Cubs. You may remember Alex from such instances as his recent divorce scandal, in which he cheated on his wife with sexy grandma Madonna, and from a scandal last year right here in Toronto, where he brought home a stripper he met at the Brass Rail. He may suck huge balls in the playoffs, but he makes $27.5 million a year (that’s about $38,580 per at bat), so whatever, I’d suck his dick.

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Rays held off the Red Sox to retain the lead in the AL East with 12 games to go. In English: The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox have the two highest payrolls in baseball, BY FAR. But this year, Tampa Bay is going to finish ahead of them, scoring a victory for all the little guys! It’s basically David vs Goliath, but if Optimus Prime was somehow involved in trying to beat David as well. But David still won. Also, there was a streaker at the Jays game on Wednesday, and on the next pitch Alex Rios mashed a nasty dinger to take the lead. Random Cocks = Happy Rios = Jays Victories.

My football team for the week
Although the game will likely already have happened by the time you read this article, I am calling the Miami Dolphins over the New England Patriots. Disagree? Go check the scoreboard. I dare you. Fuck you. (Note: The spread on this game is 13+ for the Patriots. So that’s like David vs Goliath, Optimus Prime, Lord Zedd, T-Rex, Jaws, and the Dragon from Dragonheart.)

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Man-Ram
2. Chantal Petitclerc
3. Michael Beasley (no, not actually)
4. Tony Parker (to bang Eva Longoria)
5. Evan Longoria (not to be confused with whom Tony Parker is banging)

What I am watching this week
The last few Jays home games (to celebrate another mediocre season), the Milwaukee Brewers and New York Mets royally cock up another season, and coverage on how terrible the Leafs and Canucks are going to be.

Vagin of the week
Gilbert Arenas. I used to love you Gilbert, but seriously, what the fuck gives? A few years ago you become this incredible buzzer beating hero, then you spend the next couple of seasons out with injuries, and now as you’re about to come back you suddenly decide to get knee surgery? Fuck you man, stop breaking my heart. Maybe you really are a zero ($20 for anyone who can catch that reference).

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10 years later: 10 reasons Armageddon still rocks

Posted on September 16, 2008 by


Our friend Luc Doucet watches Armageddon at least twice a week. Every week. We don’t know why he does this, but he does. Then he wrote this. And I still don’t know why he does it.

10. Awesome References

The opening scene shows a dog attacking a Godzilla toy. Michael Bay did this because Godzilla was the competing blockbuster that summer. The movie also references Dr. Strangelove, Star Wars, Star Trek, The Right Stuff, Aliens, Speed, Apollo 13, 2001: A space Odyssey, and Pulp Fiction. It also borrows footage from The Rock, Con Air, and Deep Impact.

9. Michael Clarke Duncan
Most of the world was introduced to Michael Clarke Duncan’s stereotype as the hilarious monster black man via Armageddon. And via the Green Mile. Either way, his character’s name is Bear, and in return for saving the world he requests to spend the summer in the White House, which he spells as “White Horse”. Awesome.

8. Ben Affleck vs Matt Damon
Good Will Hunting received so much praise that it should have launched both their careers as serious actors. But Matt Damon chose to be in some stupid unknown war movie, while buddy Ben stared in this global killer (pun intended). Way to make the wrong career moves Damon. Team America is definitely a real life depiction of your actual personality.

7. Climax of Blockbuster era
Blockbusters will never be better than they were in the 90s. Not now, not ever. They were fucking awesome. Case Closed. Shut up. Don’t argue with me. Never will blockbusters have the same combination of humor, action, suspense, and most important of all, cheese. Today, movies are turkey stuffed with money and plot, making them convoluted and over-produced to shit (Spiderman 3, LOTR, The Dark Knight). Not to mention the lack of original content (King Kong, Die Hard 4, Indiana Jones 4, Fast and Furious 16, Dragonball Z, Underworld 3). Yes, there is original content out there, but it’s terrible unless Jason Statham is involved.

6. Climax in Michael Bay’s pants
He directed a bunch of commercials, then they handed him Bad Boys, then the Rock. He then received an astronomical budget (pun NOT intended) and he made this unmatched spaceship of a movie (pun intended). Also, when questioned by Ben Affleck as to whether it would make more sense to train astronauts to be drillers, rather than vice versa, Bay told him to “shut up”.

5. Keith Fucking David
He plays the General who hangs out at Mission Control. That’s right, Goliath from Gargoyles is now in Mission Control. Stone by day, badass General by night.

4. Owen Wilson dies
Yep, Owen Wilson actually had a film career before Zoolander. He is killed pretty early on in Armageddon, but not before making a Chewbacca reference. Although his death is pretty intense, his death in Anaconda may have the upper hand. Regardless, Owen Wilson dying not via real life suicide = wicked.

3. Only one F bomb
“This is one order you shouldn’t follow and you FUCKING KNOW IT.” -Billy Bob to Keith David after the President orders the premature detonation of the nuke.

2. Cheesy to the max

To expand on #7, I really miss the Cheese factor. I miss the massive amount of dramatic one liners (“Prepare the world for bad news” and “You and your men are the biggest mistake in the history of NASA”), cute love scenes (animal crackers on titties, making out on an old launch pad), dramatic shots (Liv Tyler putting her hand on the screen after Bruce Willis says goodbye to her from the asteroid and saying “Daddy no!”), and most important of all, heroes (events like 9-11 and movies like The Dark Knight have destroyed this term).

1. It’s better than The Rock.
Straight up. I said it.

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Sexy Sunday Sports Section: September 14, 2008

Posted on September 14, 2008 by


Luc Doucet is our friend who knows about sports. While we generally find sports to be totally lame and boring, we often find ourselves entertained when Mr. Doucet is talking about them, because he is a loud mouth and kind of an asshole. Which is why we love him, and why he’s going to be sounding off about stuff we don’t understand every Sunday.

Coolest thing that happened this week
In Week One of the NFL season, Tom Brady got injured. Not just injured, but he tore his ACL and MCL and is out until next year. This means tens of thousands of fantasy football players got royally fucked by losing one of the most important players in the game. It also means that once Tony Romo gets injured, someone else in the NFL will get a chance to be a dreamboat and do some hotties (Rex Grossman anyone?)

My prediction for the week
While in Toronto, Brian Roberts of the Baltimore Orioles will encounter and be maimed by Zanta. Why will this happen? Because Roberts and Rick Campanelli are separated at birth and God will correct his mistake.

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. K-Rod (tied the single season saves record in the MLB)
2. Man-Ram
3. Wayne Gretzky’s daughter
4. Lebron James
5. This guy

What I am watching this week
The Jays desperately trying to make the playoffs but failing for the 15th straight season, as well as the rest of the MLB playoff races. You know what I’m not watching? TSN beating the hockey pre-season to death.

Vagin of the week
Vince Young of the Houston Texans (pictured tiny-size above). He got booed last week for his shitty opening week performance, and his mom had to publicly ask the world (or all of Texas rather) to go easy on her little boy. She later drove Vince to his piano lesson and bought him some ice cream.

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Top 10 Reasons you will never be Lebron James

Posted on July 17, 2008 by

While looking through clothing from my “beefy” era the other day, I came across a thick maroon t-shirt and pair of light gray shorts. I was a little perplexed at first because, you know, maroon is cool and all, but… then I realized that I had found my high school gym outfit. Ah, memories of how that crest of a grizzly’s smiling face used to irritate my right nipple to the point where it got infected in grade 9.

Now, there’s no chance in hell anyone would ever want my high school gym shirt. I’d even feel bad giving it to Goodwill. A Monseigneur De Charbonnel Grizzlies gym shirt is completely worthless.

On the other hand, the #23 St. Mary High School Fighting Irish 2001-2002 jersey was auctioned for $8,365. It belonged to Lebron James, NBA All Star and “most marketable player in the league.” And the fact that someone paid that much for his dirty high school jersey is not even good enough to make the Top 10 Reasons You Will Never Be Lebron James.

10. The King’s Court
In his junior year of high school (grade 11 for those who don’t watch American TV), he was so good that he became known nationally as “King James,” a nickname that stuck. He was so good that Shaq made a pit stop on the way to Arby’s to see him play.

9. TV Star
On top of various TV adds (like the Sprite one with that afro toy thing), James hosted the season premiere of SNL’s 33rd season. He did a “Solid Gold” sketch and a High School Musical parody where he’s the new kid in class. They’re so great that SNL pulled them from YouTube.

8. King Kong wannabe
This past winter he became the first black man to appear on the cover of Vogue. Not only was he on it with Tom Brady’s girlfriend, their pose depicted a King Kong portrait, mainly because…

7. Lebron=Gigantor=Jaws from 007
Lebron is 6 foot 8 inches tall (2.03 meters in Canada), weighs 250 pounds, and is born on December 30th, 1984, meaning he is likely younger than you. WAY younger.

6. Che Guevara-like rebellion
Lebron was so big in high school (he scored 2,657 points in 4 years), he ended up playing in two all star games in his senior year, making him ineligible for the NCAA (the college league). He went straight to the NBA, and there is now a rule forcing players to go to college for at least a year.

5. His second son is named Bryce Maximus James.
Just shut up. You’ll never beat that. Not even Atticus Phoenix is better. [Ed.’s note: Robert Rodriguez’s four sons are called Rocket Valentin, Racer Max, Rebel Antonio, and Rogue. Eat that, Lebron.]

4. Enough money to buy a college diploma
Before he even played his first game in the NBA, Lebron signed a $90 million deal with Nike. Yeah yeah, you don’t like Nike and their sweatshops, but even Bono would stop whining for that kind of cash. He has a $15 million Coca Cola deal, $6 million with Upper Deck, and $7.5 million with Cub Cadet (wtf is that anyway?). Oh, and the Cleveland Cavaliers also pay him a measly $13 million a year to play on a basketball “team”.

3. He is delicious
There is a flavor of Bubblicious Bubble Gum called Lebron’s Lighting Lemonade.

2. Lebron cares… I think…
During the 2007 NBA Playoffs (in which his team lost the finals), Lebron refused to sign a petition for Darfur stating that he “didn’t know enough about the conflict.” Bad Lebron, very very bad. But never fear, he recently stated, “At the end of the day we’re talking about human rights. And people should understand that human rights and people’s lives are in jeopardy. We’re not talking about contracts here. We’re not talking about money. We’re talking about people’s lives being lost and that means a lot more to me than some money or a contract.” So… he cares, right?

1. Lebron’s favorite high school class was Earth Science
‘nuf said.

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Six Reasons To Go See the Blue Jays This Summer

Posted on April 14, 2008 by


BASEBALL STARTED. That means the Blue Jays! It also means something that isn’t the Maple Leafs!

If you’re not convinced yet, here are some things that will persuade you to give money to Rogers:


Last week, against Oakland, we moved down to the first row of the outfield and heckled the shit out of the Athletics’ Center Fielder, Ryan Sweeney. One of my fellows (who wishes to remain anonymous), delivered a winner with “Hey Sweeney, your sister’s in my trunk!” Keep in mind that Sweeney was standing about 20 feet away. But did he turn around and run into the stands to beat us up? No. He ignored us the best he could as we continued with “Hey Ryan come over and play Goldeneye for N64 later!”

Bottom line is, you can yell anything you want to any of these players without feeling bad for them, since they are paid millions of dollars to tune you out! But you know some of them (especially the rookies) can hear you loud and clear, and die a little inside every time. And at the end of every game, I feel like a bigger man because of it.


brawl.jpgYou must of read about this on the news. You may have even seen the blurry videos of it on YouTube. But you didn’t see them in person. I did, you slackers. And now the Blue Jays have made the $2 Toonie Tuesday seats an alcohol free zone to try and stop the massive brawls. What they haven’t figured out yet is that people who can only afford a $2 ticket aren’t buying the $11 beers. They are the ones sneaking hard liquor in. So I suggest you go to as many of these as you can to partake (or take part?) in the European football-ish debauchery. They are May 6, May 20, and June 10. I will be the one with the billy club.


As if you don’t quote this movie enough, being at a baseball game is the perfect place to bust out your favorite Squints lines. Or your best impression of Ham’s “You’re killing me Smalls!” And if your friend’s friends don’t know what you’re talking about, you can shun them and talk about Wendy Pefercorn, or how unenthused Dennis Leary is in this movie.

If you have NO IDEA what I’m talking about, fuck you. Fuck you and every other movie you’ve ever seen.

mcgowan.jpgDUSTIN McGOWAN

McGowan is the third pitcher in the Jays’ rotation. He’s turning 26 this year, and is one of the most promising up and coming stars in the Major Leagues. In a few years he will be an all star. And you won’t. But why should YOU go see him?

Because he’s dead fucking sexy.

Nice cut jawline. Old school mutton chops. Stunning physique. And eyes that say “I can’t wait to go to Picadilly’s and find some bitties later.” Still not sold? How about the fact that he can throw a baseball faster than you have ever driven in a car? He’s a major league pitcher, his arm is a weapon. It can kill. Imagine what he could do your organs.


I had forgotten how hot summer bitties were. But the Rogers Center reminded me and I couldn’t get up to cheer for the next dinger. Nothing is nicer than a potentially underage lady in a backwards New Era cap and a pair of capris. You can choose to heckle or to hoot at them. Either way, you don’t need to pay $8 for candy anymore.


There really is nothing like baseball on a breezy summer evening. The smell of hot dogs, the crack of the bat, the cheer of the crowd . . . add in downtown Toronto smog, the often closed roof of the skydome, and at least $30 for a seat where you are close enough to see what the players actually look like, and you’ve got Toronto’s version of the American pastime. But seriously, can you come up with a better way to celebrate the oldest North American sports league than by watching Puerto Ricans who make $15 million more a year than you ever will slouch around in the dugout? I can’t. So see you there, fuckers.

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