BEST FRIDAYS: with King Khan
What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!
I had both lungs collapse in the span of one year. The first was operated on by a student doctor (a Vermonstrous Birkenstock-wearing permed bitch) who never actually performed this before in her life and had the procedure explained to her on the telephone about 15 minutes before doing it.
She had to put a hole in my chest and run a chest tube in to pump air back into my lung. I asked her to put me out ’cause I did not want to see her put a hole in my chest. She assured me that it wasn’t painful and applied some local anesthetic. Then she stabbed me repeatedly with a scalpel and then tried to pry open the hole to fit the chest tube in. First she used her fingers and then pliers… I was screaming my ass of ’cause the local anesthetic did not work.
To add insult to injury, she put in a chest tube with a plastic bag attached to it and said I could go home! She sent me home with my mom who had a Renault 5. When we arrived at home, the tube had ripped up the insides of my lung because of the bumpy ride and I couldn’t breathe again. My mom called an ambulance and I was rushed back to the hospital. I had to get two other chest tubes ’cause the one that Dr. Death made caused so much damage. I was hospitalized for about two months after that and was spitting up prune sized scabs out of my mouth that were from the deep recesses of my lung. The only positive side to this was that I had a morphine pump with a button that I figured out could give me shots of morphine every 8 minutes. I also booked the first US tour for the Spaceshits at that time from my hospital bed completely whacked out on morphine. Just goes to show you that YOU CAN’T STOP ROCK N ROLL!!!!!
Best historical figure
Jeff Clarke from Demon’s Claws. Not only are his intials J.C. but if Jesus was a small viking overlord who could write tear-jerking ballads about going to a clinic to get genital warts removed than maybe this world would be little less fucked up and little more fur-covered and jizz-stained.
The best shirt I owned actually belonged to Paul Spence (guitarist of CPC Gangbangs). I stole it from him ten years ago for a job interview or a date (I can’t remember). Since then I wore it for my first album cover, at my wedding and while my first child was born (which was incidentally nine days after the wedding… hehe). If I had known how handy that shirt would be I would have stolen some pants to go with ’em.
Best thing to do with $20
Feed my kids or buy a bike off a crackhead (for my kids).
Best party trick
Skin watch is always a hit at the parties I go to. What time is it?!
The Creature from the Black Lagoon ’cause he is a romantic as well as a hideous beast, and we both share a passion for blond women.
Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Would you like some fries with that? Yes Preeeze!!!