Worst Mondays/Best Fridays

BEST FRIDAYS: with Jerry Filice of Trunk

Posted on January 2, 2009 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

So the Trunk reunion is tonight. It’s going to be rad. You’ve got Trunk, obz. Plus the Video Dead, featuring JUICEBOXdotcom contributer and super dude Ben Rispin. And The Grave. And Tilt’em. It’s free, and any donations you find fit to offer up will go to a Burlington charity called the Healthy Basket Program. Doors at 9. Red Rooster. Burlington. Pop punk forever.

Best injury
I don’t really have any good/funny injury stories. I’ve broken my nose three times. And I’ve sustained nine concussions. Maybe I do have injury stories, but I just can’t remember them?

Best historical figure
Neil Armstrong. Either that man truly walked on the face of the moon, or he was the greatest actor and liar the world has ever known. Either way, pretty bad-assed!

Best shirt
I’m a big skate tee guy. So I’ve had quite a few over the years that I’ve loved. But I guess if I had to choose one, it will be one that I still own. It’s a Black Label tee with a line of seven bombs on it and says
“Death From Above” below the bombs. No idea why, it’s really nothing special, but I love it. That, and my autographed Gretzky jersey.

Best thing to do with $20
Buy as much beer as it will get you. I highly recommend Pabst Blue Ribbon Light. That shit is gooood.

Best party trick
I can successfully “fall” down the stairs of any home without sustaining a major injury (knock on wood). We used to actually have competitions. I think the prize was usually a chocolate bar.

Best monster
I’m not into monsters. Unless you consider the Bumble from Rudolph to be true a monster? Gretzky was a monster of a hockey player, so I’ll choose good old Wayner.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
“Fuck no! That was NOT us! Why the hell would we piss in every ones drinks?! Well, except for that guy. Yeah, we did piss in his drink. Sorry man.”

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

WORST MONDAYS: with Jerry Filice of Trunk

Posted on December 29, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Sometimes, when I close my eyes really tight, it’s the mid-90s again and pop-punk rules. Then I wake up dudes like this are famous and I get way bummed out. As if to alleviate my seasonal punk rock depression, Trunk are reuniting this week. For one show. January 2. Red Rooster. Burlington. It’s going to be awesome and will make you want to light your stupid cut-offs on fire and buy a nice pair of unnecessarily baggy shorts and a skateboard.

My knowledge of Trunk comes exclusively from dubbed cassette tapes, which is a pretty romantic way to remember any band. They were just hitting their stride when I was finishing middle school, and as a result, they were one of the first punk bands I heard that made me question my devotion to Korn and musical theatre. They ruled.

The band formed in 1992 for a high school talent show. After two cassette releases, they signed to legendary local label Raw Energy Records, where they released Beaned Up Polkas, Yank to Release, and Throwin’ the Horns. Trunk played over 500 shows, toured North America a bunch of times, made three music videos, and starred in commercials for Tiger Toys and Ontario Hydro (easily their greatest achievement). They broke up 1999 without an official farewall show, having opened for bands like Rancid, Propagandhi, Good Riddance, MXPX, The Get Up Kids, DOA, SNFU, Day-Glo Abortions and Gob, and cementing their place in Canada’s pop-punk pantheon.

They went on to play in bands like Somehow Hollow and Grade. And now they’re back for one more show with no cover. Basically, it’s a steal of a deal and it’s going to rule. Peep the Facebook invite here, and peep bassist Jerry Filice’s answers to our awesome questions here:

Worst day-job
Dishwasher at the Keg. I hated every fucking second of it. Smashed shit rather than washing it, hid utensils, threw out dishes, and one night I even cut myself so I could leave early.

Worst haircut
I’m not afraid to admit that for 2 days, I had a “swoop“. Terrible. I’d never been more uncomfortable in my life.

Worst subculture
It’s a tie between dog park people that form cliques at the park, and heavily devoted Starbucks patrons. Why do people that drink Starbucks need that little hand protector on the cup? Is Tim Horton’s coffee somehow colder, or do we Timmy’s drinkers just have less asshole-like hands?

Worst date
The worst date I’ve ever been on is a date that I never actually went on. I went past my usual comfort level and actually approached a girl when I worked at the mall a lifetime ago. I asked her out and she said yes. Then 5 minutes before leaving to pick her up on the night of the date, she called and said she couldn’t go because she forgot she had her cousins birthday party. Oddly enough, she didn’t reschedule with me.

Worst invention
The “Fox Puck“. What a piece of shit! I always thought it had an infrared sensor that the camera picked up for all of our optically challenged friends south of the boarder. But no, just LED lights! ACTUAL lights IN the puck! I saw one on eBay a couple months ago. So not only was it a stupid invention, but it was also a total piece of shit.

Worst purchase
The Goober Patrol CD Vacation. It was the end of my So Cal punk innocence. Up until that point, if it had a Fat Wreck Chords or Epitaph logo on it, I would buy it without a listen. This record was a pile, and forced me to begin to question everything in life. I still hate it to this day, yet keep it in my collection as a reminder.

Worst way to die
In any situation where Jazz is playing. Fuck do I hate Jazz.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 11 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Jeff Rosenstock of Bomb the Music Industry! and Quote Unquote Records

Posted on December 26, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Alright, this hasn’t been our busiest week. But it was Christmas and we started a record label, so between all the turkey and family and free rock and roll, I don’t feel too bad about the state of things over here.

But we didn’t forget about our friend Jeff Rosenstock and his pretty much the best answers to this crap so far. Plus, we stole his idea for an online-only donation-based record label. Seriously, these are the best answers so far. Everyone else, time to step your game up.

Best injury
About a year ago my friend Brett from the Riot Before came to visit New York right when I moved to Brooklyn. I parked my van with all of my stuff in a nicer neighborhood and longboarded to the bar where we met up. While jumping between bars, we rode the longboard together in the rain and everything was fine. When we got to the next bar, I bought Brett a 32 oz. beer but he’s a baby so kept pouring his beer in my cup. When I left it was pretty cold so I decided to skate to the train station instead was a good compromise between skating home drunk or walking to the train station in the cold. I actually made it just about to the train station fine, but when going up the curb I flew in the air and landed on my wrist. Since I was pretty hammered I didn’t feel anything until I woke up at 6 in the morning because the pain was so crazy. It was either a fracture or a sprain, but since I didn’t have health insurance I just bought a 15 dollar brace at the pharmacy, and tried my best to stay off it ’cause I had a tour coming up. However, I couldn’t refrain from going to the bar without my brace and re-fucking my wrist while high fiving someone who had the same sweatshirt as me, bringing me back to the brace for another two weeks. Dumb dumb.

Best historical figure
Is Doug E. Doug a historical figure?

Best shirt
For my kickball team a few years ago, I took a few hours to painstakingly craft a stencil of Karl Malone‘s face for our jerseys (we were Karl Malone and the Mailmen)… the stencil was super thin though, so after like two shirts it looked kinda distorted and gnarly. I got one of the least gnarly shirts and I would wear it every day if it didn’t say “666” on the back of it… I still wear it quite a bit though.

Best thing to do with $20
What is there besides skipping lots of meals, not eating anything but rice, walking or riding your bike instead of taking the subway, getting your music off the internet, asking your friends to put you on guest lists for their five-dollar shows, then spending that twenty dollars on tipping well on overpriced bottles and cans of beers at bars in Brooklyn? I guess the best way to spend $20 is taking your girlfriend out to dinner or buying your buddies a drink. You owe ’em.

Best party trick
I can play songs on my face by slapping my hollowed out cheeks. I can also fit my fist in my mouth.

Best monster
In all honesty I thought that the monster that chased Janice Ian from Mean Girls down the subway tunnel in Cloverfield and then dug into her back and made her eyes bleed and her body explode was pretty fucking bad ass. I also thought the smoke monster on Lost was pretty cool, but we need more action from it!

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
From Scott Heisel, regarding Alternative Press‘s 100 Bands You Need To Know in 2007:

“Some meaningful quotes from you about the band—your sound; what makes you special; why you do what they do; which is cooler, monkeys or ninjas; stuff like that. Just responding via e-mail is A-OK for this; no need to set up a phone interview. The more in-depth you can be, the better.”

My answer, circa January 2007: [Ed’s note: The following is hilarious, poignant, unedited and far, far, far too long to be on the front page of a blog. Read it.] More… »

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 10 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Jeff Rosenstock of Bomb the Music Industry! and Quote Unquote Records

Posted on December 22, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Well, this worked out nicely. In case you haven’t noticed, we launched a record label on Friday. Then we were worried if we’d have a good Worst Monday/Best Friday this week. Then Jeff Rosenstock got back to us. Besides playing in a sweet punk rock band, Rosenstock is also the dude behind Quote Unquote Records, the label we blatantly stole the model for Juicebox Recording Co. from. So, thanks!

Rosenstock’s musical career starts with the Arrogant Sons of Bitches, a ska-punk band from Long Island. They were pretty good. Then Rosenstock started making music by himself on his laptop and putting it online for free. This is when shit got real. Under the Bomb the Music Industry! moniker, Rosenstock’s weird laptop-punk rock got really interesting. Careening between sounding like Rx Bandits and Neutral Milk Hotel, Rosenstock was making some really exciting music. And he was releasing it in a (as far as we all know) brand-new way: online, for free, and with a sugested PayPal donation. The idea worked. Kids downloaded the band’s music from Quote Unquote Records’ website, they donated enough money to keep the whole thing afloat, and Rosenstock began touring Bomb the Music Industry! as a weird punk rock collective that only sometimes played with a drummer.

Since then, Bomb the Music Industry! has recorded an album with live drums (!!!) and Quote Unquote has released a shitton of great music by bands like Cheeky, the Riot Before, and We Versus the Shark. And, as of last week, they’ve now influenced at least one group of people to totally rip them off. Kudos, bros.

Worst day-job
My least favorite day job was this one temping job I had at an investment banking firm. I know that sounds interesting as hell to begin with, but my duties were particularly thrilling. My job was to push around a soda cart and make sure that each conference room had two cokes, three diet cokes, two snapples, etc. Once or twice a day I would also refill the refrigerators where these sodas were coming from. Pretty sweet, right? A lot of my job consisted of sitting down and doing nothing and staring at the wall. My supervisor who I was sharing a workspace with told me I couldn’t use the internet, so I was relegated to reading the extensions on the wall for hours until my soda cart round came up. One day I was working and there was a newspaper on the desk, so I was reading through it instead of staring at the wall. After about an hour of reading the paper and being told that there was no work to do I clarified, “Well, it’s okay if I read this paper then while I’m waiting to do the soda cart thing,” to which my supervisor said, “Actually, no it isn’t.” When I said, “Okay, well I just really think it isn’t useful for me to sit and stare into space for eight hours,” I was given the exciting task of taking Windex and wiping down all the cabinet doors in the entire office. That job shiiiiiiit.

Worst haircut
I think that the worst haircut I ever had was when I was a kid and I asked my barber to spike my hair, but my brother had already had spiked hair and I guess someone didn’t want us to have the same haircut so my barber gave me what was called a “parrot spike”, which is apparently when your hair is slicked back. So I looked like a fucking asshole eight-year-old, but I guess since I don’t have a photo of that one here’s a photo of me making a decision as an adult to look like a fucking asshole twenty-year-old.

Worst subculture
The worst subculture ever takes place in Brooklyn and can kinda be described as when hipsters hate hipsters. Basically a bunch of kids who are super snobby and pretentious about the music that they like and I guess they feel so guilty about being shitty that they spend a lot of their time making fun of people who act like that. There is an easy cure which is simply being more open minded about the things other people like and not being an asshole if you think their taste is lame. This also applies to white kids who have helped to gentrify their neighborhoods complaining about gentrification as well as college graduates complaining about college kids.

Worst date
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been on a date ’cause I am a pretty bad socializer. One time I was hanging out with my girlfriend at our apartment on a cold day when we were getting cozy in bed and I put on City of God which is based on a true story and has a lot of kids getting murdered. She wasn’t too pumped.

Worst invention
Condoms. Guys, am I right?

Worst purchase
When I was on tour this summer I bought a bunch of keyboards at Guitar Center which they assured me I could return within 60 days (one keyboard) or two years (other keyboard). I bought them just to fuck around with every intention to return them when I got home as I couldn’t afford them, but I was lied to about the return policy and man, I could really use that eight hundred bucks right now more than I can use a heavy ass midi controller with weighted keys and drumpads that don’t do anything. Also, any miniature guitar I’ve ever bought has been a pretty fucking stupid purchase.

Worst way to die
How does pain work? Do you stop feeling pain once it’s just so crazy that you can’t deal with it? If pain is always pain then I think that having your skin peeled off and being eaten alive would be pretty bad. If not though, then getting buried alive would be awful especially cause you’d have to be alive for a while before you die in a small box of your piss and shit. Drowning also seems pretty terrible ’cause breathing rules shit.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 9 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Todd Taylor

Posted on December 19, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Todd Taylor is responsible for one the best fanzines ever, Razorcake. And he edited Flipside. And he wrote some books. Clearly a good dude. Onwards and upwards!

Best injury
I’ve been scalped by going through a windshield. I was ejected from the car, then hit by oncoming traffic. I was thirteen.

I broke my leg so violently skating a pool so that when I looked down, my foot was pointing in the opposite direction. That was two years ago.

I broke my pinkie toe playing crab soccer. High school.

Take your pick.

Best historical figure
Got to go with Gandhi. Motherfucker took no shit but didn’t hit anyone. And unlike Martin Luther King, Jr., he didn’t have the Deacons of Defense behind him when he was preaching nonviolence.

Best shirt
The one I find myself gravitating to is Blöödhag‘s “The Sooner You Go Deaf, The More Time You Have to Read” t-shirt. Fits well and condenses my world view nicely.

Best thing to do with $20
For $20, that pretty much covers an evening of DIY punk rock, a record directly from a touring band, and some bagged beers. That shit’s tight.

Best party trick
I’ve never, ever been out-burped. On a good day, I can do the alphabet.

Best monster
I wholeheartedly recommend The Flesh Eaters. The big-ass monster at the end that’s little more than Nazi-made protoplasm activated by electricity and bad intentions is badass and hilarious at the same time.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Actually, Sean Carswell (co-Razorcake dude) and I were getting interviewed once and Kat Jetson, the interviewer, asked, “If you were a roller coaster, what would you be named?”

Without waiting a second, he replied, “Dangling Fury.”

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 8 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Todd Taylor

Posted on December 15, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

It’s always a pleasure to interact with dudes like Todd Taylor, the people who prove that punk rock, with its “ethics” and “ideals,” doesn’t end when you leave high school. Todd Taylor is the proof that you can operate completely outside of mainstream media culture and live. Happily. And contribute to a valuable, viable culture that you actually believe in. For Taylor, that’s punk rock. We’re in.

Taylor is kind of the punk rock journalist guy. He was the managing editor of Flipside, the Los Angeles-based punk fanzine/bible, until it shuttered in 2001. Looking to keep the dream alive, he and Sean Carswell founded Razorcake that same year (for some reason not going with the way-awesomer name Barbed Wire Asshole). Since then, Razorcake has become an institution all its own — a bi-monthly fanzine, a record label, and a partnership with Gorsky Press all keep Taylor and Carwell pretty busy.

Somehow, Taylor has also managed to find time to publish a collection of some his best interviews in Born to Rock and edit a collection of fiction called Shirley Wins, his first novel. He does what he does well, and he does it all through completely independent means and channels. Which rules. We salute you, Mr. Taylor. Now, your turn.

Worst day-job
When I first moved to L.A., I worked for a temp agency. Got a gig at Bank of America Business Credit. Went to work before the sun came up, got off after it came down as the main desk secretary because I’m a fast typist. On the up side, I got to see some yuppie holiday freakouts. A guy broke his hand by karate chopping an elevator door because it didn’t open quickly enough. Ties look like nooses on me and people can tell.

Worst haircut
I’ve only had two non-family-member-doing-it haircuts in my life. Pretty basic shit. Of the two non-family ones, I came out of the hair salon like one of the Thompson Twins. The lady.

Worst subculture
Pretty much any one where I’m greeted by, “What the fuck you looking at, faggot?” which is quite a few of them.

Worst date
I forget if it was prom or homecoming, but the nice lady I lost my virginity to that night said she was sleepy afterwards, so I went home at about 10 p.m. She got back in her car, went to the casino we visited for dinner, then had sex with the comedian we’d seen earlier.

Worst invention
Capitalism appropriated through Social Darwinism into becoming the meanest fucking way to take money from people ever conceived. Or nuclear power/warfare. That turned out to be a real pickle. Third choice would be the for-home combination hot dog bun warmer, hot dog heater. Boil the hot dogs in a pan, put the bun on the lid.

Worst purchase
I thought it was a great purchase at the time. 1972 Ford Courier pickup, mustard, roof rack with tennis balls at the end, so I wouldn’t puncture my skull when I got in. Loved it until it developed a phantom electrical problem. I had a gun pulled on me in Inglewood because the backfire was mistaken as gunfire. Months later, I was driving down the freeway, it backfired the rear of the muffler clean off, the back pressure started an engine fire, and I just sat there for a couple of minutes on the side of the freeway, defeated. I put out the flames right before they’d burned through the fuel line, seconds away from a CHiPs moment.

Worst way to die
When I was a kid, my brother and I would hide from each other and scare and hit one another. One of my best shots was picking the lock on the bathroom door and waiting to see his elbows go up when he was shampooing his hair. That way, I knew he’d have his eyes closed and hands out of the way. I punched him full force through the shower curtain. Probably the best shot I ever got on him. The worst was when I decided to hide in a cedar hope chest. I got in and it locked. Perfect coffin for a kid. About three hours later, my brother, who was making a model plane in the garage, came looking for me and I’d almost asphyxiated. Still have a hard time with cedar and watching baseball on TV. There was a Cardinals game on that I could see through the keyhole. I really thought I was going to die.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 21 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Jessica Hopper

Posted on December 12, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

So Jessica Hopper blogs, writes, and is generally better than all of us. You’ll notice that we normally refer to the people we write about as “better than you”, but this time, we’re lumping our omnipotent selves in with you lowly peasants. Yeah, she’s better than JUICEBOXdotcom. We’re pretty weirded out, too.

Best injury
Fell off a ladder while holding a scissors and stabbed myself in the ass. I was pranking my roommate by gluing some of his belongings to the ceiling, so I was getting my karmic due.

Best historical figure
Herzog c. Fitzcarraldo and or Lincoln c. 1863.

Best thing to do with $20
Buy cards and stamps and write to elderly relatives.

Best party trick
Not partying.

Best monster
America.

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WORST MONDAYS: with Jessica Hopper

Posted on December 8, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Jessica Hopper writes good stuff about punk rock. And other kinds of music. And things that aren’t music, like feminism and bed-wetting. She’s really good at what she does. We kind of wish we were that good at what we do. But hey. You need goals, right?

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Hopper’s been cutting and pasting zines since she was a teen, but it was Hit It or Quit It, a collectively-compiled collection of music, culture, and general zine-y writing, that launched her into the upper-echelon of zine-people. Her work has since appeared in bucket-ton of places, from the Chicago Tribune to Stop Smiling to SPIN to her own popular blog, Tiny Lucky Genius. Her long-running column in the recently(ish) defunct Punk Planet yielded one of the magazine’s most infamous pieces, “Emo: Where the Girls Aren’t“, a controversial, smart, really, really relevant examination of the inherent misogyny of everyone’s favourite “genre/plague”, as Hopper describes things.

Currently hard at work editing a book for young girls about how to start to a band and be awesome, Hopper’s getting ready to help educate a whole new wave of smart, forward-thinking punks. She took some time away from this noble pursuit to tell us about buying rugs on eBay.

Worst day-job
I have been self-employed/freelance since I was 19 and the last job I had was the worst. I was a cocktail waitress at this restaurant/club in Hollywood that did a lot of corpo music biz and movie wrap parties. The tacit agreement was that sure for the $300-a-night pay you were not to bitch and smile big despite that B-list actors and gross A&R dudes were petting you like a Labrodoodle.

Worst haircut
Senior year of high school, I shaved my head. I looked like a Mon Chi-Chi.

Worst subculture
I would say nu-neon-hippy, but you can’t really call something sub when it’s Urban Outfitters dominant paradigm.

Worst date
The ones where I didn’t realize it was a date until I was on it.

Worst invention
Apathy

Worst purchase
Rugs off eBay. One arrived encrusted with a kilo of sand.

Worst way to die
I’ve spent a lot of time at hospitals and nursing homes this year and I think those are as brutal as any other way to go, in a sterile environment, hooked to machines, filled with super-medicines, attended to rotating shifts of strangers trying to keep you from dying. It’s just grim.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Faith Erin Hicks

Posted on November 28, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

When we were looking for an image to toss on this little guy, we found this. If you need further proof that Hicks’ Zombies Calling is awesome, the proof is in the pudding/baked goods. Oh boy that was brutal. Enjoy!

Best injury
I was bitten by a dog as a child. Six stitches across my upper lip. I was very proud of those stitches, and was sad to see them go.

Best historical figure
Laika, the dog shot into space. When I was a kid I had a picture book about her that I really enjoyed. And then I grew up and learned that her alleged happy fun time in space was a complete lie and she’d died during takeoff. It was a harsh lesson. Poor doggy.

Best shirt
I like anything that can double as weaponry for fighting the living undead.

Best thing to do with $20
Spend it on sushi. Or a graphic novel. Both.

Best party trick
I think anyone who can do flips in a small space is automatically awesome. I’m generally impressed by feats of physical prowess. All I can do is look awkward and hold people’s coats.

Best monster
I’m a big fan of John Carpenter’s The Thing, and I love that disgusting, gooey alien monster. Especially at the end of the movie when Kurt Russell faces it down one final time, throws dynamite at it and yells “Oh, fuck you!” I don’t know why but I love that scene. [Ed.’s note: You love it because it’s OBVIOUSLY INSANELY AWESOME! Man let’s go watch The Thing]

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

WORST MONDAYS: with Faith Erin Hicks

Posted on November 24, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Faith Erin Hicks is a self-made woman in the world of comics. Her first published comic, Zombies Calling, is a story about surviving a zombie attack by following the rules of Zombie films (“Rule 1: Don’t leave the mall”). It was released last date to much acclaim (she was named Favourite Canadian Comic Book Creator at the Joe Shuster Awards), but truth is that it’s not her first comic.

Demonology 101, a five volume, 700+ page story that she wrote and drew (for free!) and still has posted on her website. What’s particularly impressive about D101 is that she purposely used this comic as her personal training ground. You can see a clear progression in style that gives a unique perspective on a comic creator’s formative years.

Her new comic, The War At Ellesmere is due out December 3rd. And just like Faith’s Worst Mondays answers, it promises to be great.

Worst day-job
When I was in university, I was a receptionist at a veterinary hospital, something that doesn’t sound that terrible, but boy, my co-workers sure made up for it. The vet that I was working for can only be described as the anti-christ, and would have screaming fits at me daily. He’d then be rude to the customers who came in to have Fluffy fixed, so they’d call up and scream at me because they were upset. I lasted a month. I’m a shy person, and getting berated on a regular basis was not worth the $6.85 an hour.

Worst haircut
I used to hack at my own hair with a pair of dull scissors, for who knows what reason. It was pretty terrible. Also, when I was really little I had the Susie Derkins bowl haircut.

Worst subculture
I have no idea. I can’t say I’ve ever thought about that. Are popped collars a subculture? Because I’m generally against those.

Worst date
Once I was taken to a car show, but the entire point of it was to see who had the loudest stereo. So not only was I bored out of my skull, but I had a horrible ringing in my ears for days later. I didn’t go out on a second date with the guy, so let that be a lesson to all car stereo aficionados: wait a while before introducing that world to a girl you like.

Worst invention
Plastic.

Worst purchase
Brand name clothing. I’ve never seen the point in paying insane markup for a label. Unless it does the dishes or cures cancer or something.

Worst way to die
Eaten alive by the Abominable Snowman. I don’t know why I have such a fear of it. Seems like an exclusively Canadian fear.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 2 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Mr. Chi-City

Posted on November 21, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

For those looking forward to a lazy Sunday, wit ice cream sam’iches and Internet porn. Chi-City!

Best injury
Man that don’t even make sense.

Best historical figure
Real talk, your boy Fredrick Douglas.

Best shirt
A plain white tee. You can wear it anywhere.

Best thing to do with $20
Shit, spend $6 on a McRib Value Meal, spend $7 on a video game rental, and watch some Internet porn for free. And you still have $7 in your pocket.

Best party trick
Acting Like I’m having fun when I’m really not.

Best monster
That’s easy. Oscar the Grouch.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Someone asked me how I could help their company succeed now and in the future. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Pay me and you will be lucky if I show up on time.” I still feel that way.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

WORST MONDAYS: with Mr. Chi-City

Posted on November 17, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

You might remember Mr. Chi-City from a pretty recent JUICEBOXdotcom posting. This is where I met him. And after watching his viral video sensation Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked (over 500,000 views, what!), I knew that Mr. Chi-City was going to be the President of the United States one day.

Unlike many of the Worst Monday/Best Friday spotlights, Mr. Chi-City isn’t known for any particular talent. He doesn’t draw comics, he doesn’t play in a band, and he most certainly doesn’t wrestle on any kind of professional level. Mr. Chi-City has captured a league of Youtubers with a brave and refreshing level of realness. He spouts one iconic catchphrase after another (my personal favourite being, “you breathin’ heavy as hellll, I know you hungry”) under a cloak of anonymity.

Chi-City brings a message of hope to everyone working a joe-job that they hate, reminding us to get money, and get paid. His POV-Camera style is his bat-suit, his charm is his utility belt, and his delightful Eddie-Murphy-style cackle rings out in the night like an illuminated bat-signal reassuring us that someone is out there working for the people. On the worst of Mondays, I present to you Mr. Seven Sixty-Three, the Dollar Menu Millionaire himself. . . Mr. Chi-City.

Worst day-job
Working at Burger King. The damn french fry grease would burn my hands every day. And 83% of the staff didn’t speak English. But I did learn a lot of Spanish that summer.

Worst haircut
When I was in Washington D.C., the barber had my hairline so far back, I looked like Terry Bradshaw for real.

Worst subculture
What does subculture mean??

Worst date
This chick ate almost $56 worth of Reb Lobster, and then decided she didn’t know me well enough to give me any vagina. It was the worst date ever.

Worst invention
Vibrating dildos. It’s unfair to the male species. We can’t compete.

Worst purchase
Vanessa Del Rio porn auto biography. There wasn’t enough sex in it like i thought it would be. That shit was a waste of $400 dollars.

Worst way to die
I would say the worst way to die would have to be… from a heart attack. While in the middle of a homosexual experimental night. Because the next day everyone is gonna think you died while doing something kind of gay.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Jeph Jacques

Posted on November 14, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Yes, it’s Friday. Which means it’s time to hear about some of internet award winning comic strip writer/artist/wonderguy Jeph Jacques’ Bests.

Best injury
I was opening a pocketknife when it slipped out of my hand and I instinctively tried to catch it before it hit the ground. The blade went through the webbing between the ring and middle fingers of my left hand and severed an artery. Blood EVERYWHERE. I ended up getting stitches and drew a comic that night with my hand all bandaged up (I’m left handed). I felt like a badass. An idiotic badass.

Best historical figure
Einstein.

Best shirt
My grey Hum tshirt from their 1997 tour. I can’t actually wear it anymore because it’s too beaten up but it has a little shrine in the bottom of my dresser.

Best thing to do with $20
You can probably buy a couple books with 20 dollars. Or a bunch of comics.

Best party trick
I’m really good at drinking too much and regretting it the next day. G-good times?

Best monster
The Blob.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Too much pressure to come up with something clever aaaaugh sdjektllsckrnnwjxjfk//////

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 3 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Damian Abraham of Fucked Up

Posted on November 7, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

My mom gets bummed every time I talk about this band. Which is too bad, because my mom is otherwise a huge fan of Poison Idea-inspired progressive hardcore.

Damian is so friendly. But look how angry he is in this photo! He’s probably yelling about hating cops. Man, Fucked Up are a great band. Have you bought their new record yet? If you like music, you’ll probably think it’s good.

Best injury
I have an insane scar from a pint glass being crushed in my head.

Best historical figure
Carl Panzram. Scary as all get out.

Best shirt
My Scooby Records “Jesus Should Have Been Aborted” shirt. So offensive that it is actually kinda stupid.

Best thing to do with $20
Buy records and fast food… or a slurpee… or a book. Actually can I borrow some of your $20?

Best party trick
I’m a pretty bad ass yo-yoer.

Best monster
See question #2. Or Candyman.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
One time a guy asked me if we were worth our guarantee. Another time we were asked if Feist and Cat Power were the same person.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 3 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Damian Abraham of Fucked Up

Posted on November 3, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

So there’s this punk band from Toronto called Fucked Up. They’ve been putting out really good singles since 2002. They put out a full-length record in 2006 and people started saying they were going do shit like “save punk rock.” Now they’re releasing a second full length record and it’s even better. Their singer is this really nice guy named Damian who sings like John Joseph and smashes shit into his forehead.

Damian is the smiling face of Fucked Up live. The band’s notoriety stems equally from their outstanding recorded output and their batshit insane live shows, and Damian is at the forefront of that batshitedness. While the band is a multi-layered guitar machine on record (particularly their latest, the utterly brilliant and guitar-heavy The Chemistry of Common Life), they remain an out-of-control hardcore band when you stick them in a room with a few hundred punks and a PA.

Damian’s bloodied face is an emblematic image for modern hardcore, and he may have one of the biggest record collections in this whole fucking country. Also, I wrote this GREAT COVER STORY on the subject. Basically, Fucked Up are one the best bands in Canada, and Damian Abraham is one of the best rock and roll frontmen this country has ever seen.

Worst day-job
I worked in a candy store. I got sick of the candy real quick and the boss was a huge ass.

Worst haircut
I wish I had photos of it but I don’t. At one point I had lighting bolts shaved into my head. One on each side.

Worst subculture
“Taking a semester off metal,” aka “graphic designer metal.” Or Bruce Springsteen punk.

Worst date
I never really dated much growing up. I guess it would be a semi-formal in high school where my date hooked up with my best friend at the time.

Worst invention
MP3. Though I do use them, I don’t like it.

Worst purchase
I once bought a Sleeper’s single thinking it was legit but it was actually a bootleg. I was bummed.

Worst way to die
This is taken from a story I was told by a kid I went to D & D camp with. I was 10, he was
22: You are tied up and suspended in the air, with a straw glued into one nostril while the other nostril and your mouth are glued shut. The straw leads to a bowl of blood. The blood in the bowl is coming from the wound left by the severing of your penis. So you ‘drown’ in your own penis blood because it is the only thing you can breath in. Oh and I forgot: your eyelids are cut off so you have to watch it happen. D & D camp was a fucked place.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 2 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Ryan North

Posted on October 31, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Ryan North, yep, still awesome nearly a week later. Just check out the image below lifted from his Wikipedia entry (“My brother Victor took this picture of me. I am being pulled in a canoe behind a motorboat. It was pretty extreme.”)

Best injury
I leaped from a fence to a vertical pole, caught it just long enough to swing 90 degrees, and then fell straight down about 4 meters onto a sidewalk. I fractured my elbow but, man, you should have seen the other guy. There were radial cracks in the sidewalk beginning at where my elbow hit and spreading out for meters, and car alarms were going off down the block.

Best historical figure
Gandhi and James T Kirk are tied in a dead heat.

Best shirt
I made myself five shirts in different colours that just say “WHAT” on them, no punctuation, just like that. They are my favourite shirts but I forget I’m wearing them and then I ask someone for directions and they say “WHAT” in a really loud voice and I get confused and uncomfortable. This has happened SO MANY TIMES.

Best thing to do with $20
2,000 gummy bears. When I was a kid I explained to my younger brother how much money was worth by how many gummy bears it would buy. I’m not sure how that worked because I kept the penny/gummy bear conversion ratio solid at 1:1, so it was really a way of making money more delicious and, eventually, perishable.

Best party trick
Asking people what the worst thing they’ve ever done is and then remembering it forever.

Best monster

Whoever James Bond has to fight in the movies because then it means James Bond will be there soon!

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Well, it’s a little personal, but – three, I think. With more on Sundays?

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 4 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Ryan North

Posted on October 27, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Who is Ryan North? First, he is the mastermind behind the hugely popular Dinosaur Comics. Published online, as well as in various free not-for-profit newspapers/campus newspapers, it’s about talking dinosaurs, and specifically a talking T-rex.

As if that weren’t enough, make sure you pay close attention to the art in every comic. Yes, I know. Brilliant! Second, he is a solid dude who lives in the solid city of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Third, talking Dinosaurs!!

I think the question you should be asking is Who isn’t Ryan North?

Worst day-job
The closest I had to a day job was working for the company my dad worked at one summer in the early ’90s (maybe late ’80s?). My job was to duplicate floppy diskettes: put in a disk, hit return, and when it’s done, put in a new disk. It was boring but I figured out how to get a TSR MIDI program to load (this was all DOS, remember), so I could listen to my MIDI version of Axel F and it only slowed down copying by 5%. GOOD TIMES.

Worst haircut
I was growing out my hair for Cuts For Cancer, where once a year they show up and you can donate your hair and they make a wig for a child undergoing cancer treatment. A classy thing to do! Except that after a year my hair was down past my shoulders and I forgot my appointment. It would be TRULY TERRIBLE for me to cut the hair off then, so I had to wait another year for them to come back again. My hair was down past my waist and when I rolled over in my sleep I could get caught in it. It was too much hair. I did not forget my second appointment.

Worst subculture
People who don’t have Asperger’s, but self-diagnose themselves with Asperger’s, and then use Asperger’s as an excuse for behaving like a dick on the internet. THAT IS NOT HOW THIS CONDITION WORKS, GUYS.

Worst date
I have only ever been on good dates! One time I got lost with my girlfriend in the moors in England and we both fell into a bog/river thing and then after we got out without drowning I stepped on a cow patty that was somehow baked and under pressure. Anyway, bright green liquid cow poo sprayed all up my leg and my shirt and then we had to hitchhike back home to our hotel. But that, my friend, was Good Times.

Worst invention
Autodialers. And the people who use them. And spammers. Who invented spammers, man? Screw that guy.

Worst purchase
I was going to say my purchase of hotforthecock.com, but that turned out to be awesome, because now I can make hotforthecock.com point to any website I want. Sometimes it points at some friend’s Facebook page. Sometimes, it points at my own.

Worst way to die

Drowning, oh god.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 7 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Taylor Wilde

Posted on September 26, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

This is normally the place where we’d put some sort of quick + sexy intro paragraph to get the proverbial ball rolling but I’m not gonna lie, I got sidetracked by the billions of youtube videos featuring Taylor pummeling strange ladies and now I’m late to see our friends in Junior Battles play rock music. I think Taylor will be there. Will you be there? You probably should have been there. SCHEDULE POST! NOW!

Best injury
Luckily, I haven’t broken any major bones. A couple of fingers and toes. I don’t think I can choose one injury to be the greatest, since all of my injuries are chronic and took time to achieve. I have had a few concussions, dislocated both my shoulders, rolled/sprained both my ankles, I jammed my left hand; straining, spraining, and tearing almost every ligament and tendon. Due to that injury and a few others to my left arm, I have bursitis, tendinitis, carpel tunnel, and nerve damage. My hips are out of place, which causes strain on my lower back, which knocks my tail bone out of place, which has developed into a sciatic. Beat that!

Best Historical Figure
Notorious B.I.G.

Best shirt
My skeleton hoodie. It’s not a shirt, it’s a sweater, but it’s the closest thing to wearing a Halloween costume on a regular basis.

Best thing to do with $20
Use it to get the party started for $3 Jack & Coke’s at the Lab.

Best party trick
Picking up my male friends over my shoulder and spinning them.

Best monster
Frankenstein.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it!
What’s it like being a “hot” female wrestler? ”ummm….. FABULOUS?” Then under my breath muttering “jackass!” The beauty of live radio, edit that!

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 11 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Taylor Wilde

Posted on September 22, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

One time, Taylor Wilde picked me up and carried me down Bloor Street. I have never felt safer. She’s very strong and she has a big shiny gold belt that says so. So if you double-cross her, she will fake-punch the shit out of you. Actually, I bet she’ll really beat the shit of you. She’s seriously so strong, both ethically and in terms of brute physical strength. She is also our friend. And, as I witnessed last weekend at my first live wrestling event, famous enough for Worst Mondays. (We didn’t really realize this until drunk dudes started leering at her on the way home from the bar and yelling weird wrestling catch phrases we don’t understand. Now we’re exploiting this. Please don’t body slam us.)

Taylor Wilde, known to her best ladies as Shantelle Malawski, used to wrestle in leagues with names like Pure Women’s Action, Battle Angels, and Shimmer Women’s Athletics. Then she signed a developmental deal with World Wrestling Entertainment and was permitted use of the word “jabronies” whenever she wanted. It was during this time that I met her and she called Rick Flair from my house on New Year’s. He wasn’t home, but whatever. She has Rick Flair’s phone number! Do you? If so, let’s hang out. It’s my new friend requirement.

After dropping that WWE bullshit, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling came calling. Now Taylor spends her Thursday nights saluting adoring fans and beating the shit out of lesser lady wrestlers. Like Awesome Kong. Who is huge.

Shantelle is the TNA Women’s Knockout Champ! ISN’T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?!

Worst day-job
I only stopped working crapping day jobs about a month ago, and they all had varying degrees of being pooptastic. But a single incident at my last part-time job enables it to win the award for being the worst. I was working at Sunglass Hut at a mall in Mississauga, a job that could be maintained by a monkey, so standing around for six hours earning minimum wage wasn’t the issue. But after serving this one customer for an extended period of time he ever so politely uttered, “Aren’t you the TNA Woman’s Knockout Champion?” I handed in my resignation that day. I‘m not that broke. There is nothing cool about trying to obtain some form of superstar status while simultaneously slaving to help people find a new pair of Gucci sunglasses.

Worst haircut
My worst hair cut was self-induced, I was five. I thought it was a great idea to hide behind a couch with a pair of scissors and no mirror. I gave myself bangs, and my mom gave me a one way ticket to grounded-ville. I just think I was ahead of my time.

Worst subculture
MySpace.

Worst date
I just recently started dating again, and I wouldn’t say I’ve had any horrible dates yet. But when I was, like, 14 years old I went to a Deftones concert with a guy friend that I had a crush on. I’m not sure if he was nervous or got food posioning, but when the band started their set he became a fountain of barf. That would be the worst date that I can remember. We remained friends though.

Worst invention
Those stupid Bluetooth-things. They make people look insane because they appear to be talking to themselves, and no one is too preoccupied or busy to simply lift their phone to their ear. I saw three people in line at Tim Horton’s today with them on. I’m sorry, you look lame. Take them off.

Worst purchase
A really expensive suede couch and bed that I left in Florida after a break up. I rue the day I made those purchases.

Worst way to die
Drowning.

Old Stuff, Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 12 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Girl Talk

Posted on September 18, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

So how does Girl Talk make a career out of using hundreds of songs by other artists without sample clearance? By (somehow) not yet being sued. And how does he do that? By licensing his music under Creative Commons, a U.S. based non-profit org that basically aims to “protect works while encouraging certain uses of them.” Pretty cool. But do you guys want to read boring blabitty blab about Girl Talk’s legal loopholes, or do you want to PARTY? IT’S FRIDAY!

And don’t forget, super-extenda Girl Talk party on Tuesday when you line up to buy the album, and on November 12th when Gregg hauls his laptop (PC, natch!) and his goodtimes to the Kool Haus. See you on the dance floor, hopefully not being too awkward to actually dance. Like me. PARTY!

Best injury
I had my front left tooth knocked out while stage diving over my dad’s head at a hometown, Pittsburgh show. It’s a cool look. It definitely gives me an edge.

Best historical figure?
Beethoven.

Best shirt
My favorite T-shirt is a homemade band shirt of the late Baltimore rap group, Dogg & Pony. They played my parents backyard when I was a senior in high school, and they gave me a shirt which has a spray-painted tag of their band name. It’s huge on the front of the shirt. It was very stiff and difficult to wear the first few times. Over the years, I wore it down, and it’s really comfortable now. It also looks raw as hell.

Best thing to do with $20
It’s very easy to go buy a new CD and some fast food for $20. You go home, pop in the album, jam out and eat!

Best party trick
My signature move is a one-armed keg stand while crushing a beer can on my head with the free hand.

Best monster
Problem Child.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it!
Best historical figure? Beethoven.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 8 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Spookey Ruben

Posted on September 12, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

More from the guy who is really fun to find pictures of online.

Best injury
Broken arm from stagediving at Voivod/Nuclear Assault show, Hamburg, Germany. Age 13.

Best historical figure
Popeye

Best shirt
Corrosion of Conformity, which Reed gave to me when my old group TRANSILIENCE opened for them at 9:30 Club, 1989.

Best thing to do with $20
Roll it up. Snort.

Best party trick
My finger

Best monster
Mothra

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Favourite music video?

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 2 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Dan Werb of Woodhands

Posted on September 1, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

What’s up: Dan Werb. Realize. Respect. And so on. Besides being one-half of the only electro-pop band to ever beef with Danko Jones, Werb is a funny guy who makes the sweet keyboard sounds that make you dance so hard in this band Woodhands. They went to China and were on the cover of Eye. Haters.

We here at JBHQ first met Mr. Werb at the Steamwhistle Brewery. We were shooting a video which involved pretending Werb, along with his better musical half, Paul Banwatt, had been hired as brewmasters. This involved being given copious amounts of free beer and running around an empty brewery at night, so we were pretty predisposed to think they were the greatest people to hang out with ever. Having since run into them without a pitcher of free beer in my hand, I can officially say that they’re rad dudes and that I think Ashley Carter has a crush on this Werb guy.

So basically, Woodhands are great, they have this record called Heart Attack that’s really good, and someone at the magazine I work for called them “as close to a two-headed indie Timberlake as it gets,” which is a pretty sweet quote I wish I wrote. So I will give them a new best-bio quote: “Handsome guys with keyboards and some drums and shit.” Look out, world of journalism.

Oh, and Dan’s got this really elaborate list of pizza toppings that he refers to as “the Werb,” and it’s actually really great. You should try it.

Worst day-job
Busboy at a bar in Kitsilano, Vancouver, where sad thirtysomethings hung out to try this crazy new drug called cocaine.

Worst haircut

Worst subculture
Haters.

Worst date
The one that led me to date a girl who then broke my heart into six pieces.

Worst invention
Nuclear weapons.

Worst purchase
I bought a bike for a girl who then kicked a hole in my heart. Incidentally, she couldn’t even ride bikes.

Worst way to die
Keelhauled underneath a barnacle-encrusted oil freighter.

Old Stuff, Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 4 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Raymi the Minx

Posted on August 11, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

After the Warren Kinsella debacle that was our last Best/Worst, we thought it’d be appropriate to follow up with someone who offers the same degree of popularity-cum-polarity, only on the other side of the Internet spectrum. Ladies and gentlemen, blogging champion of the world Lauren White AKA Raymi the Minx!

For the unacquainted, our favourite Toronto-based A-list blogger runs what would at first glance appear to be a celebrity blog or fansite (in that it details the down-to-the-minute minutia of an everyday life in text + blagillions of photos), only it’s journal… and it’s all about her. Even though she’s my age [read: a wee babe], she’s a grandmama in the blog world, having been at it since, like, the year 2000, long before your mom heard the word “blogosphere” on CNN.

If you live in Toronto, you’ve definitely glimpsed her in real life –- at every concert/press party/free booze shindig you’ve ever attended. Or maybe even at one of her art shows (where she showcases equal parts paintings of Lindsay Lohan and Kim Jong-Il). And if you recognized her, you definitely checked her site the next day to see whether or not she approved of the scene-y event of your choosing.

There was probably a time when I reloaded Raymi’s blog more than my own email, mostly because she actually updates that much (we could take a cue). This was a revelation– a time-killing mega-distraction on a pre-Mark Zuckerberg Internet. For some, it’s hard to pinpoint the appeal of her blog, outside of the blankfaced voyeurism it affords with little to no censorship. Its been referred to as everything from performance art to soft porn (and thus occasionally blocked on the computers of those with real-people jobs), and she gets written about by everyone from Eye Weekly to Drunken Stepfather. I dunno, we just like her. And other people must too because she has lots of those weird little Best Blog in Canada/the-Universe awards on her site, and more hits than we could dream of this side of becoming a Warren Kinsella hate forum. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt her rad factor that she’s related to Jack Kerouac.

(p.s. we did this interview via email and aren’t editing it, lest the raymicore-types lynchmob us)

Worst day-job
i worked for one day only in park slope, brooklyn at this total yuppie organic vegetarian cafe, so uptight, it was a month after 9/11 so everyone was on edge and lost (jobwise, spiritually, whatever), i really needed money, it was going to be under the table. i eat meat and at the time i smoked, i think the smoking thing is what turned them off of me. i was paid 5 bucks an hour for that day. at dinnertime all these demanding waspy types came in and rushed the store and called in orders, total chaos, on top of being taught everything in 20 minutes like how to tare (measure) on the scale all the portions, fuck. totally made me scatterbrained and feel wickedly stupid. it’s hard to learn when you know someone thinks you are an idiot, prior to that i had zero food industry experience, bartending yes, food no. i did not receive a call back. i forget what the place is called and i do not care they can kiss my ass.

Worst haircut
the one i got in england (for free) when i was 17. well it wasnt so bad, but when i came back to canada i had it modified even shorter and then it just went bananas from there. here is the original cut, not too bad, kinda moppish beatle. not so hot looking in this one then from there i fucked it all up by rod stewarting myself. yikes right.

Worst subculture
goths or emo kids.

Worst date
oh fuck too many, like the time i took the subway all the way to scarborough to meet a dude from the internet who was like totally pushy and nowhere close to as dashing as he seemed on the net. he was really skinny and tall and russian and really wanted to do it and i was putting out all these it’s not going to happen vibes, i get really polite when i am uncomfortable and i smile a lot and so he was misreading it, he offered to drive me back downtown (i was commuting from the burbs at the time working d/t) and i was like no way i am taking the subway. oh and using the payphone after i ditched the guy i left my brothers new winter hat in the booth. insult to injury much.

Worst invention
that ponytail thing that makes knots in your hair, the type of style polygamists rock, ungh brutal to my eyes.

Worst purchase
anything i have ever scooped on impulse, typically clothes. oh wait i bought a spinner blinged out necklace as a joke, gave it to my niece. it wasnt that expensive, just a pointless purchase. also an expensive pair of jeans that i never even wear.

Worst way to die
being murdered, doesnt matter how. someone taking your life from you w/o your choosing or desire to die, the worst. then theres cancer and aids and blah blah bla death is scary!

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 18 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Ian Stanger of the Fullblast

Posted on July 28, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

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The Fullblast were a really awesome band from Toronto’s westward suburban expanse (known affectionately as “the 905”) that played really fast punk rock from 2000 until 2006. They broke up when their drummer left to play guitar in Boys Night Out and they never played a final show and everyone was bummed. There were full-on riots in the streets of Oakville and an effigy of lead singer Ian Stanger was burned outside of Mississauga’s city hall. Which is why, two years after the fact, the band is finally getting together for a final/reunion show. This Wednesday. And also Tuesday. But that one doesn’t really count.

In the mid-90s and early-00s (what?), the 905 was pushing out more awesome bands than you could shake a well-maintained, highly-accessorized mid-size sedan at. Some of the bands got really insanely internationally famous, and some came really close but just ended up getting ripped off by way shittier bands. The Fullblast basically sounded like Lifetime and probably could have been huge. They were catchy without being derivative, and technical without being alienating. They had amassed a substantial following across the country at the time of their break-up, just as it seemed like the band’s investment (time, money, sanity) was about to pay off. Which is why, two years later, they’ve managed to sell out Toronto’s Opera House for their final show. They’re also playing an abridged warm-up set in London this Tuesday, but c’mon. London?

Basically, the Fullblast were amazing. I was at the show the above picture was taken at. It was great. That the band has sold out Toronto’s biggest mid-size venue is a well-warranted final accolade. They didn’t get many in their time, but as melodic punk rock becomes more and more commodified and haircut-driven, the Fullblast have come to stand as an example of pop music played with integrity and and a metric fuckton of vigor.

Worst day-job
I’m lucky insofar as I’ve never hated a day job. I worked at Pizza Hut for about 5 years through high school and into university, and that much free pizza is never a bad thing. I guess I’d have to say working at the MiniMart on the University of Windsor campus during my second year. How humiliating.

Worst haircut
Probably the one I’m sporting right now — I’m in that “in between” stage trying to decide if I want to let it grow or cut it short. Delaying the decision isn’t helping my current situation.

Worst subculture
Nu-metal culture. There’s really nothing redeeming that I can identify in such terrible style and music.

Worst date
There was a venue in the town I grew up in called the Pine Room. It’s where all the great local shows happened during a period of four to five years. The venue was on thin ice for a while, and one time I took my girlfriend at the time to go see Moneen, Small Brown Bike, and Piebald there. Apparently the show was awesome, and Moneen nearly burned the place down and set off fire alarms by setting off fireworks inside by attaching them to the headstocks of their guitars. By all accounts, it was quite a spectacle. But I wouldn’t know, I missed it because I was in the car getting dumped. That was the last show at the Pine Room. I’m still bitter. (Ed.’s note: This seriously is one of the most legendary 905 shows ever.)

Worst invention
Personal audio amplifiers/ I just saw this on TV the other day and it seems absolutely useless. It’s a unit that looks like an mp3 player, with a sensitive microphone and earphones. Apparently it’s supposed to boost sound from far away so you can do things like — and these are taken directly from the commercial — listen in on conversations, and hear better in church. Capitalizing on the supremely suspicious and religious. Ridiculous.

Worst purchase
There have been many, many terrible purchases. I think one time I spent $300 on a flat-panel computer monitor because I thought they were the height of new technology. I took it home, and ended up buying a laptop two weeks later. I don’t think the monitor ever made it out of the box. Thanks, Visa.

Worst way to die
Drowning. While listening to Disturbed.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 28 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Warren Kinsella

Posted on July 21, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday! (Except for, you know, last Monday. Sorry.)

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When combing the internet provides you with a photo of some politico in their office with a huge Joy Division poster on the wall (see below), you know you’re not dealing with your run-of-the-mill high-ranking Liberal Party insider. We say that because, as Young People, we are disenfranchised with “the system” and listen to a lot of “Rage Against the Machine.” Anyway, Warren Kinsella makes us want to to trade in our Che Guevara shirts and get some nice slacks with anarchy patches on them.


Photo by DZGNBOY

Kinsella is many things to many people. Best known to Canadians as the Liberal Party spin-doctor who helped lead Jean Chretien to a blagillion landslide majority governments in the ’90s (earning him a reputation as our own little James Carville in the process), he’s also a best-selling author, political consultant, and a veteran punk rocker. Nardwaur‘s band even covered one of his songs. Peep that shit.

So he runs an insanely popular blog, fights nazis, and told The National Post (his former employer) where to shove it. We don’t always agree with him (guy hates Wikipedia!), but we respect him. Plus, he’s actually very tall, and could probably beat us in a fight:

Worst day-job
Probably at Corporate Death Burger — you know, McDonald’s — in Calgary at age 15. I ended up writing a big expose about the experience for the school paper, and was threatened with a libel lawsuit. My first!

Worst haircut
Any of the ones in which Nature is turning me, involuntarily, into a skinhead. I don’t like any of those.

Worst subculture
Hippies. I always despised hippies. Self-obsessed, self-centred, selfish. Forget about “peace and love” – hate and war, like the Clash said.

Worst date
I actually got two front row tickets to see Queen at the Jubilee Stadium in Calgary (I was more interested in seeing Thin Lizzie, and actually chatted with Phil Lynott while there, but I digress), and took Bonnie, the then great love of my youthful life. When we left, she said: “Where’s your car?” I told her I didn’t have one. She left with someone else. Nice.

Worst invention
The iPhone, naturally. IT’S A PHONE, PEOPLE. It’s an EXPENSIVE phone. Do you all have to be such consumerist victims all the time? Sheesh.

Worst purchase
The iPhone. No, just kidding; I didn’t line up for one, and nor will I ever. Worst purchase? I would say those Queen tickets.

Worst way to die
Tied to chair, being forced to watch successive episodes of American Idol. Sweet Jesus Almighty, I loathe that program. Unfortunately, my view is not shared by the women who live in our house.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 39 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Patrick O’Dell

Posted on July 11, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Why yes, it’s him again — photo magician Patrick O’Dell of Epicly Later’d fame. Look at him there, all loungin’ with a little dog. I bet he has some great answers to our questions.

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But before you read them, remember that his photo exhibit is still hanging around Toronto for another couple of weeks. Why are you here and not there? Oh right, because we are awesome.

Best injury
Heartbreak.

Best historical figure
Sherlock Holmes.

Best shirt
Veggie shirt.

Best thing to do with $20
Movie theatre.

Best party trick
Leaving without saying good-bye.

Best monster
Nessy.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
This is only my second interview.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 3 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Patrick O’Dell

Posted on July 7, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

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Okay, stop me if you`ve heard this one:

Patrick O’Dell has essentially built a career around having more fun than you do. He’s been called “the most important person in skateboarding who doesn’t skateboard” because he has a good camera and travels around taking good pictures of his famous friends. His professional cool-guy cred includes being Vice photo editor, host of VBS’s top shelf web show Epicly Later’d (as well as his photo journal of the same name), and general dude about town. If that’s not good enough, he also directed the most recent Morrissey video just because he was so wholly obsessed with him that Moz’s manager let him do it.

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Oh, and his photo exhibit, “To All My Friends”, is currently ramping up at Toronto’s Studio Gallery after a tour that’s hit New York, Vancouver, and probably some other places too. The show includes all kinds of digital media, compiled over years of globe trotting, depicting “skaters skating, hangers hanging, and up-too-late, out-too-often night dwellers doing what comes naturally.” All of your favourite things! It runs through to July 23. He is great. Go look. Anyhow, here’s the man of few words and many pretty pictures:

Worst day-job
Working as a caterer in NYC. Whenever I hate my life now, I think back to that.

Worst haircut
I used to have really long hair… the photo of me with long hair is too embarrassing.
[Ed.’s note: Haha, found it.]

Worst subculture
Hunters.

Worst date
Any time the other person says nothing. Or worse, too much.

Worst invention
Fossil fuel.

Worst purchase
Leather shoes.

Worst way to die
Vivisection.

[edit: for those who noticed today’s blunder: whoops.]

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 2 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Liam Cormier of Cancer Bats

Posted on July 4, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Welcome back to the program with everyone’s favourite straight edge hardcore kid with a cool haircut, Liam Cormier! Sometime I wish my hair could look like that. But we all have our demons. Mine is being incapable or growing a cool, floppy, dirty-looking mohawk. What’s that? You’re not here for me? Or, right. Cancer Bats kick ass. And so:

Best injury
I split my forehead open at a show in Saskatoon. I was swinging the mic around and caught myself in the head. We still finished the set but I bled everywhere for 40 minutes. For a big sissy like myself, I felt pretty tough and now I have a bad-ass scar above my eye.

Best historical figure
Louis Riel is the biggest bad-ass in Canadian history. He led two revolts against the Canadian government fighting for Metis rights and he established Manitoba. Get your Google on.

Best shirt
The best shirt I’ve ever owned is a limited edition Mike Giant shirt that he made for an art show in Toronto. It was given to me by a friend who had two and I was so so stoked. Mike Giant does a ton of rad shit for Rebel 8 as well that’s a lot easier to track down.

Best thing to do with $20
Put it in the bank. I am broke as a joke.

Best party trick
My friend Olly from Johnny Truant and myself DJ’d a party recently in Brighton UK and we had that shit bumping. We were mixing Rage into Beastie Boys, Damien Marley into Rolling Stones. We had the dance floor going crazy! It was the best trick I ever pulled off.

Best monster
Dracula hands down. Not really a monster but probably the coolest piece of evil you could find out there.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
This question is the most original I’ve been asked. I’ll give that award to you.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 4 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Liam Cormier of Cancer Bats

Posted on June 30, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

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Liam Cormier is an intense and cool dude. He sings / says “yeah!” in Cancer Bats, easily one of the most popular bands currently playing heavy shit in Canada. Started in 2004 with long-hair dude Scott Middleton (ex-At the Mercy of Inspiration), the band played a ton of awesome shows and then put out the appropriately awesome Birthing the Giant in 2006, a record that kicked out some of the finest Entombed-style jams this side of Sweden. The record led to a bunch of huge tours, some fine press, and the good fortune of being featured on the same episode of MTV Live as me.

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This year, the band released Hail Destroyer, a record that basically got huge props from everyone everywhere and then made it on to the Polaris Long List, which is a pretty sweet deal since Polaris made a habit of shutting out heavy bands for its first two years. While glowing reviews from the Canadian music press is one thing, a feature on JUICEBOXdotcom is quite another. Ladies and gentlemen, the jewel in Liam Cormier’s hardcore crown:

Worst day-job
I don’t really get bummed out at jobs. Like, driving a fork lift can be awesome, you just have to know how to make it awesome. At the same time, any job would be the worst job. Damn the Man!

Worst haircut
One time I was finishing off a hair cut; I had a set of clippers with no guard, just getting some stray hairs by my ears, when someone opened the bathroom door and bumped my arm, shaving a bald spot into the side of my head. The worst! I wore a hat for a month.

Worst subculture
Neo Nazis. I fucking hate Neo Nazis.

Worst date
The day the Challenger exploded is a date that we will all remember. I was five and the news came on during Leave It To Beaver. Some serious shit.

Worst invention
The txt msg is both the worst and the best invention. It’s cheap and easy, but it is killing the English language and making us all dumber.

Worst purchase
This is another best/worst situation. We’re in Europe right now and I borrowed my friends cell phone to call my girlfriend. Which was the best! But when I finished the half hour call he told me how much it was going to cost and that was the worst! I had just spent 75 euros to call my girlfriend for 30 minutes. No regrets though, I love talking to my girl. Awesome and shitty all rolled into one.

Worst way to die
I would hate to die a virgin.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 3 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Nardwuar the Human Serviette

Posted on June 27, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!


Nardwuar in Vancouver with JUICEBOXdotcom contributor, Andrew W.K..

For more on Nardwuar, brush up on your Worst Mondays (and yer CanCon, for that matter). But for those up to speed, here’s more from the man who asked Crispin Glover if he slept in a coffin full of tar:

Best injury
Impetigo — which i felt really embarrassed by until i found out Amy Winehouse had it too. I was lucky, I had it on my belly. She had it on her face!

Best historical figure
‘Gassy Jack’ Deighton, who helped found the city of Vancouver! He got his name not because he farted, but because as a saloon keeper he talked a lot. (See: “Gassy Jack” by the Evaporators).

Best shirt
I borrowed a shirt from my friend Mark Kleiner of The Sister Lovers/Jungle/Mark Kleiner Power Trio. Not just any shirt, but the actual shirt that Peter Tork of the Monkees wore in the movie Head (Mark bought it years earlier at Monkees convention!). The icing on the cake was when I got to wear the shirt when I interviewed Peter Tork at the Skagit Valley County Fair in Mount Vernon, WA, U.S.!!

Best thing to do with $20
Buy this incredible “History of Rap” poster by Kagan McLeod.

Best party trick
My cat likes to lick earwax.

Best monster
Odorous of GWAR.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Q: Did Dave, the guitarist of your band The Evaporators, really have Topper Headon of The Clash’s dad as a Headmaster in Dover, England?

A: Yes!

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | Comment »

WORST MONDAYS: with Nardwuar the Human Serviette

Posted on June 23, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

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Besides being a walking exclamation point with an encyclopedic knowledge of rock ‘n’ roll, Nardwuar is a Canadian cultural institution. Every Friday afternoon since October 1987, he’s been dispensing his weirdo brand of guerilla journalism to listeners of the University of British Columbia’s CITR. The resultant meticulously-researched interviews can be read in Chart, seen on MuchMusic, and listened to (if you don’t live in Vancouver) on CBC Radio 3. And when he’s not making bands and celebz batshit uncomfortable with his arcane knowledge of their pasts, he fronts the Evaporators, one of the best punk rock bands currently making rounds in the Great White North.

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He’s played Hip Flip with Jack Layton & Paul Martin, and cut off all his stupid hair in order to confront Jean Chretien at the 1997 APEC conference (the results of which made national headlines). He’s been chased by Quiet Riot, put in a chokehold by Sonic Youth, and had his signature toque yanked off and stolen by an unamused Sebastian Bach. Alice Cooper, Harlan Ellison, Beck, and Slipknot’s #3 (!!!) have all walked out of on him, and once, he asked Mikhail Gorbachev which world leader had the biggest pants. So:

Worst day-job
Construction, I lasted 3 hours.

Worst haircut
My hair looked the worst the day after my friend, yes my friend, fired a Roman Candle at my head on Hallowe’en night 1985. Look closely and you can still see the baldspot.

Worst subculture
People that don’t like the Tomahawk Bbq.

Worst date
July 9, 1999. The Day I ended up in Lions Gate Hospital.

Worst invention
Is still yet to be invented!

Worst purchase
Lunch at an all-you-can-eat buffet in Guatemala.

Worst way to die
Ask the Pleasure Seekers.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 2 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with King Khan

Posted on June 20, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

His record came out this week! He’s still awesome! He’s still the same dude!

Best injury
I had both lungs collapse in the span of one year. The first was operated on by a student doctor (a Vermonstrous Birkenstock-wearing permed bitch) who never actually performed this before in her life and had the procedure explained to her on the telephone about 15 minutes before doing it.

She had to put a hole in my chest and run a chest tube in to pump air back into my lung. I asked her to put me out ’cause I did not want to see her put a hole in my chest. She assured me that it wasn’t painful and applied some local anesthetic. Then she stabbed me repeatedly with a scalpel and then tried to pry open the hole to fit the chest tube in. First she used her fingers and then pliers… I was screaming my ass of ’cause the local anesthetic did not work.

To add insult to injury, she put in a chest tube with a plastic bag attached to it and said I could go home! She sent me home with my mom who had a Renault 5. When we arrived at home, the tube had ripped up the insides of my lung because of the bumpy ride and I couldn’t breathe again. My mom called an ambulance and I was rushed back to the hospital. I had to get two other chest tubes ’cause the one that Dr. Death made caused so much damage. I was hospitalized for about two months after that and was spitting up prune sized scabs out of my mouth that were from the deep recesses of my lung. The only positive side to this was that I had a morphine pump with a button that I figured out could give me shots of morphine every 8 minutes. I also booked the first US tour for the Spaceshits at that time from my hospital bed completely whacked out on morphine. Just goes to show you that YOU CAN’T STOP ROCK N ROLL!!!!!

Best historical figure
Jeff Clarke from Demon’s Claws. Not only are his intials J.C. but if Jesus was a small viking overlord who could write tear-jerking ballads about going to a clinic to get genital warts removed than maybe this world would be little less fucked up and little more fur-covered and jizz-stained.

Best shirt
The best shirt I owned actually belonged to Paul Spence (guitarist of CPC Gangbangs). I stole it from him ten years ago for a job interview or a date (I can’t remember). Since then I wore it for my first album cover, at my wedding and while my first child was born (which was incidentally nine days after the wedding… hehe). If I had known how handy that shirt would be I would have stolen some pants to go with ’em.

Best thing to do with $20
Feed my kids or buy a bike off a crackhead (for my kids).

Best party trick
Skin watch is always a hit at the parties I go to. What time is it?!

Best monster
The Creature from the Black Lagoon ’cause he is a romantic as well as a hideous beast, and we both share a passion for blond women.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Would you like some fries with that? Yes Preeeze!!!

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 1 Comment »

WORST MONDAYS: with King Khan

Posted on June 16, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

King Khan is one of those self-made rock ‘n’ roll legends that makes you realize why playing loud music and making up fake names is totally kick-ass. He’s from Montreal, lives in Germany, and is probably cooler than you.

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Khan started causing a ruckus in the mid-’90s with Montrealers Spaceshits, back when he was using the name Blacksnake and working the low-end as a bass player. Then he moved to Europe, re-christened himself King Khan, and started playing with some dude who’s been in Stevie Wonder’s backing band.

After joining back up with fellow Spaceshitter Mark Sultan, the two graced the cover of every cool magazine you know as the King Khan & BBQ Show. While kicking it with BBQ around the world as a stripped-down garage-rock duo, Khan still found time to exercise his way more bombastic demons with the Shrines, a 12-piece music-thing that basically defies genre stereotyping.

Now he’s preparing to release The Supreme Genius of King Khan and the Shrines this Tuesday on Vice Records, before going on tour and totally blowing your mind for life.

Worst day-job
I worked for a company called Mr. Grasshead. It was a Chia Pet rip-off made out of nylon stockings stuffed with sawdust and grass seeds. I had to stuff these things and then make a funny face on them. I would come home and have sawdust everywhere, even up my nose. Usually I could make, like, 30 in one hour, but I got stoned with a friend at lunch once and I only managed to make two in one hour. My boss sent me home early and the last thing she said to me as I was leaving was, “Don’t smoke so much next time!” In retrospect she was quite nice. It was Mr.Grasshead that I hated. I had one in my room for years and mushrooms started growing out of it.

Worst haircut
I got a very wide mohawk haircut at a friends house when I was in grade nine, and when my mom picked me up from his house she beat me up in the car while she was driving home. She is normally not a violent person, but she thought I must’ve been on drugs to want a haircut like that and went ape shit.

Worst subculture
Gothic Ska or Skothic… Actually, worse than that is definitely ICP.

Worst date
I took my date for dinner and dancing, but when we got back to my place I was feeling weird and couldn’t breathe so well, so I turned in. About twenty minutes later, a friend of mine bursts into my room and tells me that my date had to go to the hospital ’cause she was having some allergic reaction to something we ate at dinner. I thought I must be having the same thing so I went to the same hospital and it turned out that my lung had collapsed. So after the date we both ended up at the hospital… Me with a collapsed lung and her with an allergic reaction to PIZZA?!?! I am really happy we didn’t try to have sex after dinner, since it might have scarred us for life or maybe even killed us. The rest of what happened to me in the hospital is equally entertaining but falls under the “best injury” question. [Ed.’s note: come back on Friday to find out just what further lung-collapsing entertainment Khan has in store…]

Worst invention
Compact discs.

Worst purchase
The movie Zardoz starring Sean Connery as Burt Reynolds. It is painful to watch.

Worst way to die
Watching the film Zardoz starring Sean Connery as Burt Reynolds.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 10 Comments »

BEST FRIDAYS: with Bryan Lee O’Malley

Posted on June 13, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

You know the drill. Bryan Lee O’Malley, ladies and gentlemen!

Best injury
I’ve never really sustained a good injury. I’m a weenie. The best/worst/whatever one I can remember is in grade 7, when this girl, whose name was possibly Mandy, slide-kicked into me on the skating rink outside school, where we were all standing around during lunch break in January, and I fell and nailed my arm and started screaming bloody murder. It turned out to be a mild sprain. Weenie.

Best historical figure
Osamu Tezuka, hands down. He’s the Japanese “God of Manga,” creator of Astro Boy and hundreds upon hundreds of other brilliant / insane / ridiculous comics and cartoons. We’re experiencing a boom in English translations of his work right now, so go to the store and purchase some “Phoenix” or “Ode to Kirihito” immediately. If you can read French, there’s a translation of his fascinating 4-volume biography from Casterman. He started his career right after World War II, and he passed away in 1989. I hope that’s historical enough.

Best shirt
My memory is really short, but at this moment I honestly think my all-time best shirt is the Japanese Tony the Tiger Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes t-shirt that I bought at Urban Outfitters a couple weeks ago. It’s seriously brilliant. Comfy. Second best is a Golgo 13 logo shirt I got from Uniqlo recently. It has a fuzzy black velvet skeleton Jesus.

Best thing to do with $20
See Speed Racer before it’s out of the theaters. With a drink. That’s probably 20 dollars right there, right?

Seriously, I liked it.

Best party trick
This is where the interview goes sharply downhill. I honestly can’t come up with a single party trick. I don’t really party, and I don’t like tricks, okay????

Best monster
If we’re talking about classics, then the regular run-of-the-mill zombie is my first choice. They stand on solid metaphorical ground, as well as being incessantly creepy. Also, when I was a kid I really liked Snuffaluffagus. From Sesame Street.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:

Can we go back to worsts? Because this is the worst question ever.

Worst Mondays/Best Fridays | | 2 Comments »

WORST MONDAYS: with Bryan Lee O’Malley

Posted on June 9, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

Bryan Lee O’Malley is a twenty-something, award-winning Canadian comic book (or graphic novel, if calling it that makes you feel better) author/artist/guy. His first book was 2003’s Lost At Sea. If you haven’t read it, you should sit down and think long and hard about your life and what it means.

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Right now, O’Malley is just a bit famous for his critically acclaimed Toronto-based Scott Pilgrim series (2004 – present). Pilgrim follows the life of the 23-year-old title character who meets the Amazon.ca delivery girl of his dreams. In order to date her, he must fight–and defeat–her seven evil ex-boyfriends. Just like real life. There’s even a battle in Honest Ed’s.

In the past few years, O’Malley has won several big-timey comic awards (including a Harvey Award, a Joe Shuster Award and a Doug Wright Award). And Publishers Weekly named the third volume, Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness, one of 2006’s best comics. When he’s not busy receiving awards, O’Malley finds time to do some solo-ish lo-fi music stuff that you should listen to.

Anyway, he’s a big deal. Right this very second, Pilgrim is being adapted into a big Hollywood movie by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead), with Michael Cera (Arrested Development, Juno) as Scott.

But enough about people whose last names aren’t O’Malley.

Worst day-job
I’ve only ever had a couple of dayjobs. They were all pretty okay, to be honest. I mean, they were temporary, and most of them were pretty low-stress. Yeah. Not an auspicious beginning here.

Worst haircut
Every haircut I ever got in Toronto was the worst haircut of my life. I was unable to find a good hairdresser, not that I tried very hard. Plus, I was constantly broke, so I always ended up at the sketchy place on the corner, spent ten bucks, and looked like a moron for the next three weeks.

Worst subculture
The really gung-ho fans of… anything. Sci-fi, Buffy, whatever. I see a lot of these people in my line of work, and it’s both charming and completely depressing. I can’t even find the words to explain. This might be because I usually see these folks at comic book conventions, which are, of course, their preferred habitat, and where they tend to come out of their shells.

But actually, pretentious 21-year-old music snobs and independent record store clerks are the worst subculture. The nerds are fucking awesome compared to them.

Worst date
I went on a blind date off the INTERNET one time. In university. It was easily the most mortifying night of my life. God, I was such a tool in university.

Worst invention
Organized religion. No, organized sports. No… just… just organization itself, maybe?

Worst purchase
I get major buyer’s remorse. I think I have real anxiety attacks about purchasing things that are more than, like, $40. I seriously get a little panicky just thinking about it. Anyway, the worst thing I ever bought was a Volcom t-shirt at Pac Sun in California, summer 2001. Probably $20. It was hideous. I returned it like a half hour later, but I’ll never forget the shame.

Worst way to die
I think maybe being gutted while tied to a stake in the desert. And scorpions are crawling up your legs? Or, you know, the gradual breakdown of the human body. Dying of old age is possibly the worst. I used to be obsessed with death when I was a gnarly teenager, but now I believe I dislike it.

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BEST FRIDAYS!: with Bruce LaBruce

Posted on June 6, 2008 by

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

We return again to Bruce LaBruce. While he’s probably increased in value on the grand scale of awesomeness since Monday, we won’t blab about him again. And not just because we’re lazy.

Best injury
When I was about ten I was playing with home-made slingshots with my hateful older brother one weekend. They were made of mason jar rings. When I was aiming one, I let go of the wrong end and the elastic snapped back and hit my right eye. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

My iris – or something – filled up with blood and all I could see was white. I thought I was going to be blind, so I was wailing. My mother said, “Don’t worry, you’ll still have the other eye,” which made me wail even more.

On the way to the hospital we had to stop for gas and a bee got into the car, so my mother had to stand there at the gas station with me wailing while my father shooed it out. It was quite a spectacle.

At the hospital they decided not to operate, but instead I had to lay flat on my back for a week, with both eyes bandaged, and not move. This was very difficult for a ten-year old. It was kind of spooky, and I think it scarred me for life, although I did gain back all the sight in the eye. Now a cataract has formed around the scar.

Best historical figure
Oscar Wilde.

Best shirt
My Raspberry Reich t-shirts (modeled here by my Belgian friend Fred).

Best thing to do with $20
Poppers!

Best party trick
One-handed cartwheel. You can see me do it at the end of my movie Hustler White.

Best monster
Otto! You can see him in my new melancholy gay zombie movie, Otto; or, Up with Dead People. Best monster not of my own creation: Liberace!

Best question ever asked of you in an interview
In a recent interview somebody asked me what my favourite Madonna song was and I said, “Where Life Begins.” Later in the same interview they asked me what was the most embarrassing question I’ve ever been asked was, and I said “What’s my favourite Madonna song.”

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WORST MONDAYS: with Bruce LaBruce

Posted on June 2, 2008 by

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

For our first edition, we give you Toronto’s own Bruce LaBruce. Well, he wasn’t born here, but we own him just the same. If you’ve never heard of him, you’re probably not all that great. But click and recognize.

In the ’80s, Bruce was a shit-kicking punk rocker, establishing the seminal queer punk zine J.D.s with fellow awesome punk G.B. Jones and publishing it until 1991, by which point they had left an indelible mark on both punk and gay culture. But besides being one of two dudes to literally define queercore (read: give it a name and a manifesto), LaBruce also writes some things, takes some pictures and makes some movies (I think we dropped out of the same film program!).

Since his 1991 feature debut, No Skin Off My Ass, he has become one of this country’s (and probably the world’s, we don’t travel much) most revered cult filmmakers, consistently finding totally new weird ways to combine porno, punk rock, and politics in movies like Hustler White and The Raspberry Reich. Oh, and he co-wrote Screeching Weasel’s “I Wanna Be A Homosexual” which is an “awesomely bad ass” song according to Sam, who really doesn’t care about movies.

Bruce is currently doing the festival thing with his new zombie flick, the most excellently titled Otto; or, Up with Dead People, which had its world premiere at Sundance this past January.

Anyway, we could write a lot of awesome things about Bruce LaBruce but this about hate.

JUICEBOX: Worst day-job
LaBRUCE: After high school for two summers I worked at the Bruce Nuclear Power Development Station to help put myself through university. There were three zones of contamination, so every time you went from a higher zone to a lower one you had to monitor your hands and feet in a machine in case you got a big dose. If you got a dose, they hosed you down. It was just like Silkwood. The second summer there I was on an odd-job crew, which meant occasionally cleaning toilets. So I guess the worst day-job I ever had was cleaning toilets at a nuclear power plant.

Worst haircut
In the eighties I sort of dabbled with New Wave before I went Punk, so I used to shave about an inch over each ear but have it long at the top and at the front. It was very, very gay. Fortunately I don’t have photos of it.

Worst subculture
Log Cabin Conservatives

Worst date
I used to date a hustler whom we called Joe the Ho. We were going out for some months, and one night he asked me to meet him at some crappy dive bar off Dundas Street East. I can’t remember the name of it but it was on about a par with the Canada Tavern. When I showed up he was with a kind of butch-looking girl whom he introduced as his girlfriend. I was totally plucked. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. To make things worse, she was in the army! He was supposed to be all lefty and anti-that. We got really drunk on cheap pitchers of beer and I ended up in a fight with him. Later he would become a neo-Nazi skinhead, but that’s another story. Still later, when he had AIDS, he used to work the Oak Leaf Steam Baths in a wheelchair! But that’s also another story.

Worst invention
CGI.

Worst purchase
Powder Blue Crushed Velvet Elephant Pants.

Worst way to die
Premature Burial!

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