Hits & Misses

There is no such thing as bad television.

After popping in disc one of Joey season two, I assure you that I still believe this to be true with every inch of my bloody, pulsating heart.

Admittedly, there are a few shows out there that — to an untrained viewer — initially seem like garbage. Jennifer Love Hewitt whispers sensually to ghosts. Trash bin. Charlie Sheen is a sex predator living with some closet gay and a small child. Total landfill material.

Joey Tribiani moves to LA to become a serious actor. Hmm…

I refuse to libel these shows by labeling them “bad television.” There is no bad television, only bad consumers of television. For the purposes of this review, I’m going to refer to these shows collectively as. . . More… »

Does anyone remember the straight to video G.I. Joe movie where Cobra teams up with an underground race of snake people to release space spores into the atmosphere that will de-evolve humans into amoebas? It’s a good movie. I think there was a scene in it where Bazooka gets hit by Cobra laser fire and it totally killed my eight-year-old boner because it was probably the first time Cobra had ever hit anyone despite constantly firing so many lasers it makes the laser floor of Joe Nightclub seem just as limp dicked as it’s patronage.

What made it one of the only things I can really remember about my childhood is that Bazooka (That’s right, his name was Bazooka. He also wore a football jersey instead of a uniform) leapt back to his feet, coolly growled “you shot my trigger finger,” and then beat the nearest Cobra soldier to death with his bare hands. Boner restored! That’s all I could really think about when I was watching the Beatrix Potter collection. Instead of buying this DVD set, parents should buy their kids toy guns.

Enough about Beatrix Potter though, have you heard that in the new G.I. Joe movie G.I. JOE stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity? It’s not even about how awesome America is! It’s about international pussies that foil terrorist plots using state of the art anti-terrorist technology. I think DJ Qualls plays General Hawk. This is a franchise that used to feature a character named Sgt. Slaughter. Is it just me, or do we not care that the next generation is going to grow up to be girls?

The film’s being produced by Di Bonaventura Pictures. They’re the guys that made a movie about an army of space robots that turn into big rigs and fighter jets, but made it boring. Don’t worry though, they hired Stephen Sommers to direct it. He wrote Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride. Fuck. (BBC Warner)

While Polar Bear Club (the band) look nothing like Polar Bear Club (the righteous dudes from Atlantic City pictured above), their sound is consistently as rad as the huge Phillies fan on the far left, if not as as bad-ass as the rainbow speedo the guy in the middle is rocking. Formed from the ashes of Marathon, a thoroughly underrated post-punk outfit from Rochester, New York, PBC are already well on their way to taking over the world of bearded dudes and chicks with sailor tattoos. With one stellar EP under their belts (The Redder, the Better), this full-length debut comes at a time when The Kids are hungry for someone to take that grimy throne left empty by Hot Water Music in 2006 and really run with it. And Sometimes Things Just Disappear is ready to take that shit all the way to bank. The bank of post-hardcore. Which, everyone should know by now, actually has no money. But godamn, doesn’t it offer some fine feelings of satisfaction. (Red Leader)

As far as I can tell, I’ve really only ever encountered a really big Opeth fan once. It was 2002, and I was visiting a friend of mine in her college dorm. It was one of those residences where 3 or 4 people live in one room, and it really sucks, because everyone holds in all that redfaced anger about who left that stinky potato in the communal bathroom. Anyway, this goth girl lived in one of the rooms, and her fuzzy goth boyfriend was visiting the same weekend as me. I can’t really remember what he said, but I can only assume it was something like, “Opeth owwwwwwwwn.” He was also wearing an Opeth t-shirt all weekend, so it’s pretty much science. Anyway, one night he was trying to get me to go to 7-11 with him, and I really didn’t want to go a) because it was really wintery and slushy out, and b) I don’t eat taquitos in the company of “the goths”. Thems just the rules. So instead of declining politely like a reasonable person would, I did what anyone who had just sucked back like half a pound of jello and vodka. I got down on the ground and somersaulted away from him. If you are anything like that fuzzy goth Opeth t-shirt wearing bottleneck, you’ll probably love this album. If not, I am pretty sure you’ll wanna summersault directly into a facefull of toquitos. Oh, and also; it was me. I left that stinky potato. (Peaceville)

Keywords: Jeremy Mersereau Would Rather Not Listen to Seether

(Wind-Up)

So this one time at Live 8, this guy called Elton John asked Pete Doherty to perform “Children of the Revolution” with him. Sir Elton John thought it was a good idea to ask the guy who squirted a syringe full of blood at an MTV News camera if he’d perform “Children of the Revolution” with him. At Live 8. This is a guy who was evicted from his London apartment for reasons of £10,000 of unpaid rent and BLOOD DAMAGE to the walls.

Anyhow, the Live 8 performance (wherein Doherty looks like a baby giraffe learning to walk) is not on this DVD. Neither is the time he threw a 26er of vodka at an audience demanding they fill his empty cigarette pack before he continued playing. This stupid boring DVD was filmed in late 2004, just after The Libertines barfed him out and before Babyshambles even had a chance to record their first record, so Doherty is just a burgeoning young cartoon character here instead of the full blown retarded Snoopy he has become.

A Babyshambles DVD should be like every article on The Superficial baked into a garbage pie. But this is total zzz. And was apparently released without the band’s consent. Though it’s doubtful they even care or remember that fact. (Eagle Vision/Eagle Rock Entertainment)

You know when there’s something in life you’ve always at least partially wanted to do, but due to circumstances or laziness or paralyzing fear of failure, you just don’t? It’s nice when someone else does it instead and it turns out to be a bust. Saves you the upset. Instead you sit and listen to your excuses and neuroses ring of sweet validation. The only possible downfall (seriously, otherwise this is a really good way to live life and I highly recommend it) is that you probably don’t get to write a hilarious book about your misadventures.

Rock On: An Office Power Ballad documents Dan Kennedy’s abrupt and anxious time as a mid-level marketing exec at Atlantic Records. Through a fluke freelance copywriting gig at the label he found himself employed full-time for about 18 months, starting in 2002. Remember that terrible women’s razor campaign that featured the even worse Jewel song of the same name? Well, you can thank Dan for that gem. But don’t hate him. He hates himself for it more than you or I possibly could.

More… »

Look at all those fuckin’ heroes. Standing on rubble or something, all steely and awesome. Third Watch, the show which introduced these heroes to the world, is the raddest show ever. It makes me wish I was saving babies or stopping kids from selling their bodies for drug money instead of writing about Third Watch like an asshole. But someone’s got to spread the gospel. We all have our burdens. More… »

Do you like The Karate Kid? Me too, kind of. See, I like the story but I hate good acting. That’s why I love Never Back Down. Ralph Macchio is like the coolest child actor ever, and that’s lame. Thankfully, the producers solved this problem in their retooling of this classic story by casting Kevin Williamson, Josh Shwartz, and David E. Kelly’s leftovers. Brilliant.

Another brilliant move was casting a katrillion extras that are about a hundred times sexier than the principle actors so you don’t even notice the shitty performances. But do the performances even matter in a movie like this? No. They don’t. What really matters is if it kicks ass or not. And it does. It kicks ass in a way that makes you feel like it’s the first day of summer and you just know that this is the year you are going to lose your virginity. This movie is seriously all the awesomeness (and all the plot points) of The Karate Kid with thousands of perfect tits in every shot. Come to think of it, this is probably the best movie ever made.

It also promotes a really irresponsible social message about solving all of your problems with violence, which I totally respect. I even hope to one day actually be in a fight. I think I would feel really good about myself afterwards. Never Back Down plays out my ultimate fantasy of being able to kick the shit out of some guy and be totally vindicated in doing so because he messed with my chick or talked shit about my dead father, both of which happen in this film. I think all pussies secretly have this fantasy.

In the case of Never Back Down the antagonist is the guy that killed Marrissa on the O.C. so you instantly hate him and it works great as a cross over for all those who want to see Volchok finally get his up and cummins. I know it sounds like I’m being sarcastic but I’m not. In the future, having seen this movie will be criteria for applying to vote, it’s that important. The future is going to be violent, and sexy, and we will worship mixed martial artists. (Summit Entertainment)

So, my brother Cole and I are on our way to see a midnight showing of Iron Man, we smoke a tiny bowl and head to our local theater to get tickets.

We had planned on getting our tix around 10-ish, then get some ice cream because its delicious. We enter the building to buy our tickets and to our dismay, no fucking midnight Iron Man.

So we skipped ice cream and went and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Its pretty funny. Lots of dick shots in it which I bet my brother was totally into.

More than anything else, watching Michael Clayton, a movie that got nominated for Best Picture to the confusion of everyone who actually saw it, will make you want to go and watch hours of YouTube interviews with George Clooney. Because he’s just so disgustingly charming. And good looking in a way you wish you could be. And charming. I mean, this guy was in Return to Horror High. And he was good in it. More… »

I was genuinely excited as I unwrapped my copy of Justice League: The New Frontier. As the comic book loving, cartoon watching handsome devil that I am, anything targeted at people 10 years younger than me is generally something I’m going to love.

About ten minutes into the movie, an American pilot (Hal Jordan, voiced by David Boreanaz) who was just shot out of the air (despite the Korean War having ended, literally minutes ago) is fighting against a Korean kid who wants to kill him. Then Hal Jordan shoots him and we see his face covered in the kid’s blood.

Despite its PG-13 rating, and following all the regular cartoon violence rules (don’t actually see bullets hitting people, etc.) I decided it would be best for that 12-year-old personality of mine to take a back seat on this one.

Justice League: The New Frontier is a re-imagining of the world’s most famous Super Team, set against a post-Korean War back drop. It’s based on what is widely acclaimed as one of the best Superhero comics to come out in the past long while.

Personally, I have mixed feelings about the film.

First: the good. It was a great story with a lot of characters interestingly woven into one another. It doesn’t focus on Superman or Batman like every other DC motion picture initiative seems to. The opening hooks you. The conclusion is great, and opens the door to more stories. And the character design (with one exception) and animation style is just lots of fun.

But, truth be told, the adaptation felt as though they had left things out. I looked it up and I was right. There are sections missing from it. There are gaps in that middle section of the film that would have done a lot to fill out the story. That’s not to say the story doesn’t work. All the pieces fit together in the very clever fashion that usually comes with well thought out re-imaginings, and to say the story left me unsatisfied would be a flat out lie. But it could have been… you know… more?

The special features were alright, too. With a few bonus episodes of an unrelated Justice League cartoon and the usual smattering of ads disguised as cool content, you get some nice extras with this package.

All in all, the film feels like a solid 7 out of 10 on the arbitrary scale of whatever the hell I feel like, and knowing that 12 year old, I’ll probably watch it again. (Warner Bros. Animation)

1:19:22 AM sam?: review time.
1:21:52 AM sam?: my favourite thing we saw was Carts of Darkness. discuss.
1:24:18 AM ashley!: i can’t even remember the movies we saw, there were so many
1:24:44 AM sam?: well, that’s why i helpfully started us off by telling you my favourite.
1:26:19 AM ashley!: my favourite thing we saw was those cult-ish protesters taking over that one screening
1:27:44 AM sam?: the protested movie was called Beyond Our Ken. but my idea was the discussion of the Carts movie.
1:27:50 AM sam?: you also really liked Second Skin.
1:29:31 AM ashley!: was Second Skin the iranian transsexual movie?
1:29:45 AM sam?: no, that was Be Like Others.
1:30:00 AM sam?: Second Skin was about gamerz.
1:30:45 AM ashley!: oh right, yeah that was probably my fave
1:32:42 AM sam?: now tell me what you liked about Carts of Darkness.
1:33:56 AM ashley!: i liked when they raced on the carts. especially when the no-legs director guy did it.
1:34:09 AM ashley!: imagine if he hadn’t survived that? it would have been a whole different movie
1:34:12 AM ashley!: and boring q + a
1:36:42 AM sam?: first of all, he had legs. he was injured in a car crash, and before that, he was a ground-breaking snowboarding filmmaker. you had heard of him!
1:37:30 AM ashley!: i meant it METAPHORICALLY
1:37:38 AM ashley!: no, you’re right. that takes balls.
1:37:53 AM ashley!: his balls were okay, right? only his legs were damaged
1:38:17 AM sam?: we should have asked in the q + a.
1:39:05 AM sam?: maybe too personal. anyway, that dude was the man. his movie was amazing, and he managed to make a movie about homeless people without being heavy-handed or insanely depressing.
1:39:43 AM ashley!: i would put that quote on a movie box. what’s next?
1:40:52 AM sam?: let’s try to each come up with a totally quote-able quote for each movie. first one to get on a poster for a domestic release wins a bottle of 50 at the Lab from the loser.
1:41:54 AM ashley!: you already owe me a bottle of 50 then
1:46:52 AM sam?: first one from this batch.
1:46:55 AM sam?: not all batches.
1:47:26 AM ashley!: fine. keep leading the discussion then, blabbermouth
1:51:16 AM sam?: so, Second Skin.
1:51:18 AM sam?: talk to me.
1:56:16 AM ashley!: those guys like video games a lot. like a lot a lot. i like how they drink 2 litre bottles of coke not just to get caffeinated and stay awake till hour 16 but also so that they have something to piss in at hour 16 instead of leaving the game to go to the bathroom
1:56:20 AM ashley!: forward thinkers. i like that
1:58:22 AM sam?: one time when i worked at camp i drank FOUR 2 litre bottles of coke so that i would stay awake and have a great time.
1:58:40 AM sam?: i guess i love camp like those dudes love video games.
2:00:37 AM ashley!: i’m pretty sure people have died from drinking that many 2 litre bottles of cola before
2:02:34 AM sam?: that’s just how i roll.
2:03:47 AM sam?: back to Second Skin: as a non-gamer, it was awesome to realize how totally insane gamers really are. it was like an episode of Intervention, but with World of Warcraft instead of oxycontin.
2:04:19 AM ashley!: psh, there was already an episode of Intervention with a gamer
2:04:26 AM ashley!: the Second Skin directors are plagiarists
2:04:31 AM ashley!: put that on yer movie box!
2:10:25 AM sam?: my quote: “A balanced look at the oft-maligned world of gamers, Second Skin is equally disturbing and hilarious, offering sympathy for its subjects without fear of criticizing some of their more outlandish behavior.”
2:11:21 AM ashley!: okay, well the publicity people can choose which one they like better. it’s good to have options.
2:13:51 AM sam?: like pizza pops and pizza pockets!
2:18:15 AM sam?: Be Like Others. go.
2:18:58 AM ashley!: i feel like i was more into this movie than you were
2:20:27 AM sam?: did you fall asleep?
2:20:44 AM ashley!: no
2:20:51 AM sam?: then yes.
2:23:27 AM ashley!: what’s not to like about iranian transsexuals being forced to get sex changes?
2:23:47 AM ashley!: a bright family romp
2:27:31 AM sam?: print it.
2:27:50 AM sam?: i just thought the movie was poorly executed. but the story was so insanely compelling.
2:29:09 AM sam?: definitely the darkest thing we saw all week. nothing like an iranian homosexual who’s been forced to have a sex change in order to be able to have sex with the people they want to have sex with because being gay is illegal in iran breaking down and crying because they can’t believe what they’ve done to their body to totally not, not brighten your day.
2:30:08 AM ashley!: right, i was about to break it down for the kids at home but now you’ve spared me
2:31:27 AM ashley!: to further clarify - in iran, homosexuality is punishable by death but sex-change ops are legal and actually result in the switching of your gender on your birth certificate which - BAM - makes your gay-ity legal
2:32:38 AM sam?: good. my quote: “An astoundingly original and compelling story can be found amidst this somewhat muddled film.”
2:34:47 AM ashley!: well i already gave my quote, so
2:37:40 AM sam?: okay. now for the one that gave you massive boners: Beautiful Losers.
2:44:14 AM ashley!: oh shit, this one had harmony korine, mark gonzales, spike jonze, ed templeton, etcetcetc rabbling on about all kinds of good old-fashioned radness like skateboarding, graffiti, music and whatever weird artsy bullshit ties those all together. like the beats only not annoying.
2:44:22 AM ashley!: but just as self-aggrandizing, i guess.
2:45:02 AM ashley!: this movie basically tells you it’s cool and you believe it because you want to fit in
2:45:30 AM ashley!: that’s my quote
2:46:00 AM ashley!: and there was lots of DIY yammering so you obviously liked it
2:46:06 AM sam?: PUNX
2:46:11 AM sam?: that’s my quote.
2:46:15 AM ashley!: man, i had forgotten about that one. that was a good movie.
2:46:23 AM ashley!: there, now that’s my quote: “that was a good movie.”
2:46:44 AM ashley!: i bet that film gets distribution. none of the other ones will.
2:47:07 AM sam?: i think Carts of Darkness will, too.
2:47:43 AM ashley!: maybe. needs more snap pop though.
2:47:53 AM ashley!: that one goes out to aaron zorgel
2:47:53 AM sam?: but this was awesome. i like it when weird, cool people totally know how weird and cool they are and then just make a fuckton of money from being weirder and cooler than assholes like us who are way too boring to be as interesting as we think we are.
2:48:05 AM sam?: i hate aaron zorgel.
2:48:28 AM ashley!: wait, this whole site is predicated on the fact that we think we are cool
2:48:49 AM ashley!: i guess we’re not making a fuckton of money though
2:48:57 AM sam?: i know. but we’re not harmony korine-cool.
2:49:05 AM ashley!: i’m okay with that
2:49:10 AM sam?: if harmony had a webiste, it would be cooler than ours.
2:49:24 AM ashley!: harmony’s website is full of upsidedown crosses
2:49:32 AM sam?: sounds about right.
2:49:34 AM sam?: what about the rad jumping movie. or whatever that shit is called.
2:49:48 AM ashley!: i totally forget the name
2:49:55 AM ashley!: it was probably awe-inspiring
2:51:06 AM sam?: 20 Seconds of Joy.
2:53:44 AM ashley!: hahaha that sounds about right. like shotgunning a beer
2:56:01 AM sam?: except few people smashed into the sides of mountains shotgunning a beer.
2:56:09 AM sam?: fewer, anyway.
2:58:11 AM ashley!: yeah that movie was good because watching footage of anyone jumping off of a mountain is good.
2:59:48 AM sam?: but all the interviews had assholes for audio tracks. it was weird.
3:00:00 AM sam?: but worth it to watch dudes and ladies leap off of mountains in europe.
3:01:52 AM ashley!: and the filmmaker totally scored when the subject crash landed at the end there
3:05:01 AM sam?: way to give away the surprise ending.
3:05:06 AM sam?: she was also tyler durden.
3:05:16 AM sam?: and kaiser soze.
3:11:11 AM ashley!: and rosebud
3:12:43 AM sam?: “Breathtaking visuals guaranteed to strike fear and excitement in the heart of any viewer.”
3:13:21 AM ashley!: “she almost dies at the end”
3:21:05 AM sam?: was that all we saw?
3:28:50 AM ashley!: i think so…
3:29:17 AM sam?: Beyond Our Ken!
3:29:31 AM ashley!: oh right! we’ve come full circle
3:29:38 AM ashley!: that was good because i love cults.
3:30:52 AM sam?: basically, a movie about this fucking insane australian cult that seems innocuous enough but basically involves this dude raping children.
3:31:26 AM sam?: so he died, and then two people from the cult flew to canada to protest the movie and tell everyone what a great, non-child-rapist this child rapist was.
3:33:47 AM ashley!: the kenja people might come after you for that description
3:34:52 AM sam?: sorry: “This horrible film is a brutally inaccurate and unfair portrait of great Australian.”
3:35:00 AM ashley!: hahaha
3:35:30 AM sam?: i hope that ends up on a piece of propaganda in melbourne.
3:35:50 AM ashley!: and the filmmakers can use the opposite quote. the film is pretty mangled actually… but peeps should look up kenja for kicks
4:19:21 AM sam?: i think this process died. i need to do real work.
sam? changed status to Offline (4:19:22 AM)