RE: this.

Dear Mr. Smith and Mr. Spielberg,

We all love Oldboy. Oldboy is a great film. In an age of fantastic and unique Asian films that are, for lack of a better term, culturally untranslatable for the masses (I couldn’t see an American version of Battle Heater working out), Oldboy stands out as a body of work which has crossed continents and clearly impressed everyone who has seen it. I mean, it’s a Korean film about imprisonment and incestuous revenge with an amazing hammer fight and it’s #116 on the IMDB top 250. That’s tough to pull off.

And all of that tells us one thing: it’s a great film. As redundant as this may sound, it’s the most perfect telling of Oldboy that could possibly be filmed. And it’s cool. It’s a fucking cool movie.
Don’t get me wrong, I think both of you are cool. Mr. Spielberg, you have made incredibly cool movies in the past and are nothing short of awe-inspiring in what you can achieve. Mr. Smith, you gave my generation their own Cosby Show. And Men In Black. But the fact is, you’re not the same kind of cool as Oldboy.

Jimmy Stewart was cool. Humphrey Bogart was cool. But they weren’t cool the same way Richard Widmark was cool. Richard Widmark was FUCKING COOL. And the difference between the two is something both of you need to realize: when it comes to cool, Stewart and Bogart (you two) took a side, whereas Widmark (Oldboy) floated in the middle.

I could easily see Chan-wook Park (Oldboy’s director) making a “Will Smith-like” or “Spielbergesque” movie, because it’s obvious to me that he can easily hop from genre to genre without making an indelible footprint. But you two have cast your footprints. You thrive in your footprints. And we don’t mind - we want to see you do your thing. But Oldboy isn’t your thing. You’ve been standing in the same spot too long. Mud has dried on your boots. And all you’re going to do by leaving your footprints is track dirt all over the house. In all seriousness, Widmark wasn’t afraid to push an old woman down the stairs and laugh at it. When’s the last time either of you considered it?

And before you two start telling yourselves, “don’t worry, even if our version of Oldboy doesn’t work out, it isn’t going to ruin the original,” let me tell you right now: you’re wrong. And Mr. Spielberg, you have proven my very point this summer in one fell swoop titled Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Whether you’d like to admit it or not, you’ve ruined your entire franchise with that film. I can’t watch any of them the same way knowing that one day Indiana is going on an alien adventure. That film has actually made its predecessors worse by proximity. And to commit that same crime with Oldboy would be an unforgivable defamation of art on par with drawing lipstick marks on the cock of Michelangelo’s David.

Don’t remake Oldboy. Nobody’s going to think you’re cool. Stop drawing on David’s dick. He’s trying to kill a giant.

Sincerely,
JUICEBOXdotcom

Dear Michael Cera,

Hi, how are you? You always seem like such a likeable, down-to-earth sort of guy that it seemed like a good idea to write you a letter. In the following letter I hope you will find that I have recently enjoyed Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, that I am very excited for the “pre-production” (IMDB) Scott Pilgrim movie, and that I have, as a whole, enjoyed your career in film and television thus far.

First and foremost, I would like to say how much I enjoyed your work in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. I know that there’s a lot of haters out there, but your ability to stick to your charmingly awkward guns in this YA novel-turned heart-warming teen rom-com stole my heart in addition to the $4 I had in my wallet that I was planning on buying pizza with.

Secondly, I would like to express how excited I am that you will be starring in the upcoming Scott Pilgrim movie. I live just up the street from Honest Ed’s, so if you were ever to get hungry while filming this winter you could come by for soup or something. I’ve been watching some of Clark and Michael. It was my interpretation from the show that you enjoy soup. Please say hi to Clark for me, by the way. I saw part of an episode of Greek one time while I was on my way out somewhere. It seemed pretty okay.

The third thing I’d like to focus on in this letter is your previous accomplishments and how much I’ve enjoyed them and/or how much they’ve meant to me. Aside from the aforementioned Clark and Michael, I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed your work on Arrested Development, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, as well as in Superbad. Juno was okay, I guess. I liked it when I first saw it, but the more time people spent talking about it and listening to the Moldy Peaches the more I was all, “Hold on guys.”

In this letter I sought to prove that I enjoy your work, Michael, and that I have a relatively great knowledge of your career in film and television. I feel that my overarching use of the “hamburger essay method” has led to a well-structured and overall good letter. In conclusion, I would like to remind you of my offer for soup, or to otherwise crash on the couch in my living room if the situation were ever to come up (it’s a pull-out!).

Yours ’til butter flies,
Suzanne Sutherland

For those looking forward to a lazy Sunday, wit ice cream sam’iches and Internet porn. Chi-City!

Best injury
Man that don’t even make sense.

Best historical figure
Real talk, your boy Fredrick Douglas.

Best shirt
A plain white tee. You can wear it anywhere.

Best thing to do with $20
Shit, spend $6 on a McRib Value Meal, spend $7 on a video game rental, and watch some Internet porn for free. And you still have $7 in your pocket.

Best party trick
Acting Like I’m having fun when I’m really not.

Best monster
That’s easy. Oscar the Grouch.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Someone asked me how I could help their company succeed now and in the future. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Pay me and you will be lucky if I show up on time.” I still feel that way.

IT’S STREAMING RIGHT NOW! QUICK BEFORE THE JOKE’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

P.s. It’s no secret that I love me some Peanuts. Do you know how many relevant Charlie Brown TV special titles there are for this post other than the one above? No? I will tell you:

• “This Is America, Charlie Brown” (1988)
• “Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (and Don’t Come Back!!)” (1980)
• “Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown” (1977)
• “You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown” (1972)
• “What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown?” (1983)
• “Why, Charlie Brown, Why?” (1990)
• “A Charlie Brown Celebration” (1982)
• “Here’s to You, Charlie Brown: 50 Great Years” (2000)
• Life Is a Circus, Charlie Brown (1980)
• Bring Me the Head of Charlie Brown” (1986)
• What a Nightmare, Charlie Brown! (1978)
• He’s a Bully, Charlie Brown (2006)
• “Is This Goodbye, Charlie Brown?” (1983)

Sigh. Charlie Brown. So prolific.

I bought this stupid clock on E-Bay for my 86-year old aunt, because she is getting confused. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize until it arrived that you have to manually change everything, every day, except the time.

Every day. Push three buttons. If you forget for a day, or only push two buttons, the large, black and white read-out that is so easy to read, is wrong. I found it made her even more confused. If the stupid clock said something, she believed it. I would call her up and tell her what day it is and she would argue with me, because her stupid clock said something different.

Stupid clock. I bought her a new one that automatically changes every day.

This stupid, battery operated clock is free to whomever wants it. You will find it easier to work in harmony with it if you are a fairly cognizant person. On the other hand, if you are not always cognizant and want to drive your family crazy, this is the PERFECT clock for you.

From Austin:

“PHOTOSHOP WIZ NEEDED ASAP”

I need original cell phone statements scanned and numbers changed then reprinted front and back!, if this is something you can do well and do in a very quick manner I need to speak with you asap… There are three to four bills that need to adjusted with numbers on pages, front and back.

I am dealing with a jealous boyfriend that wants to see my statements asap.

I am willing to compensate with a nice sum of cash!

I will come to your location and wait to have them done, must have a a nicer printer, I will supply the paper.

* Location: austin
* Compensation: a few hundred dollars

We saw all these movies and you are jealous.

(reviews by Sam Sutherland + Ashley Carter)

Mutant Chronicles (Dir. Simon Hunter)
The first After Dark movie to feature Ron Perlman in a monk outfit, this movie is so insanely bad it’s great. Also, John Malkovich is in it, which is certainly puzzling. Basically, this machine under the earth starts turning people into mutants so Ron Perlman and the guy from The Mist team up with a rag-tag group of soldiers to destroy it. Along the way they say and do things that make absolutely no sense in front of really awful CGI and green screen. Seriously, I don’t think anyone involved in making this movie (save for Malkovich, who looks like a sad, beaten man) had any idea they were making the worst movie ever. Which is why it totally rules. Go see this with all your friends and I promise you it will be the best time ever. Seriously, go now. It’s awesomely terrible.

Tokyo Gore Police (Dir. Yoshihiro Nishimura)
If this doesn’t win an Oscar, that shit is rigged. Words were not made strong or awesome enough to express the utterly fantastic nature of this film. Mere mortals are not worthy of its treasures. There’s a plot somewhere in Tokyo Gore Police but it’s way too insane to try to explain. Basically all this crazy shit happens and your mind is blown. I don’t even know where to start, except to say that at one point, a guy who’s has had his legs cut off uses the blood pulsing from the wounds to elevate himself off the ground and fly around. If you like feeling insane you should see this movie. The name really says all you need to know. It’s bat shit insanity at its most bat shit insane. It’s so, so good I wish it was playing inside my glasses all the time so whenever I did anything boring I would be watching the best movie ever.

Who is KK Downey? (Dir. Darren Curtis, Pat Kiely)
Great! Look what I made at my real job!

4BIA (Dir. Youngyooth Thongkonthun, Banjong Pisanthanakun, Parkpoom Wongpoom & Paween Purikitpanya)
Four horror shorts from the Thai dudes that brought you Shutter and Alone, plus two others, also Thai dudes. The two other dudes’ entries aren’t so great, with Thongkonthun’s Happiness suffering from just being kind of boring and Purikitpanya’s being promising but kind of cheesy. Then the big guns (you know, the guys who made Shutter and Alone) come in and shit gets real. Pisanthanakun’s tale of a youthful camping trip gone wrong is like a self-referential Thai version of Scream, with lots of discussion of famous horror films (including the director’s own Shutter) alongside some scary ghost bullshit. It’s awesome. Wongpoon’s short is a mummified tribute to that really scary Twilight Zone with the gremlin on the plane, and it’s also great. Mostly just jump scares, but awesome, stylish jump scares. Overall, the good stuff outweighs the bad. Totally worth checking out.

I Sell the Dead (Dir. Glenn McQuaid)
The second After Dark movie to feature Ron Perlman in a monk outfit (seriously, it was weird), I Sell the Dead was a fine closer for the totally best year of After Dark ever. The movie has its flaws; the framing device, which involves a young graverobber detailing his sins to a monk (Perlman) is kind of cheesy and dangerously close to a dealbreaker, but the overall arc of the story is just so darn appealing we’re able to forgive the way in which it gets told. Dominic Monaghan (a hobbit) plays a twerp who steals from the dead alongside some super-funny dude named Larry Fessenden, and there’s aliens, vampires, and zombies. So basically the movie has to be at least okay, but it also has a really hot girl and the Tall Man from Phantasm, which rules, so it ends up being way better than okay. Good times if you like that hobbit kid, hot girls, or dead aliens.

Trailer Park of Terror (Dir. Steven Goldmann)
Based on the Imperium comic book series of the same name, this movie is about a bunch of ne’erdowell high school kids who end up on a character building retreat with their wiener pastor. Of course they crash their schoolbus during a thunderstorm and of course they find shelter for the night in a trailer park zombie village called Trucker’s Triangle. Then all kinds of evil wacky sexy shit happens. This movie has tons of weirdness like a cameo by country music dreamboat Trace Adkins as the man in black/devil (due to the director also somehow being a popular country music video director). Good production value, full of stereotypes, and great if you have ever wanted to see what a dude looks like being deep-fried alive.

Yeah, I got nothing either. Part 1 here.

Big news… if you’re me.

Remember Iron Man? Remember that bit after the credits that made nerds lose their minds / blow their loads? Well lately, there’s been a bunch of buzz about the next few years of movies based off of Marvel characters. Highlights:

• Kenneth Branagh (!) has been slated to direct the Thor movie. No actor has been tapped to play Thor yet.
• Robert Downey Jr will reprise his role as Tony Stark/Iron Man not only for Iron Man 2 & 3, but also for the Avengers movie.
• There will be an Avengers movie!
• Terrance Howard who played Rhodey in the super successful Iron Man movie, will not be back for 2 & 3. Instead, this character will be played by Don Cheadle.
• And, of course, there will be a Captain America.

It’s obvious that all these movies are being put into motion with the idea of having an all-star line-up for The Avengers movie (the order will be Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America and The Avengers).

Here’s the exciting part.

The Captain America movie, titled First Avenger: Captain America, will be a World War II epic, telling the story of scrawny Steve Rogers and his transformation into Captain America. I’m not a big Captain America fan, but I’ve been quietly hoping that those movie people would take advantage of all the hype orbiting around Marvel’s properties and do something TOTALLY AWESOME. I’m being 100% serious here. No sarcasm. Just nerd-love.

I’m not going to go wasting my birthday wishes on this. Already, I’m being forced to be cautiously optimistic. Joe Johnson has been tapped to direct the film. Who? According to the IMDb, he directed The Rocketeer, Jumanji and did the special effects for Star Wars IV, V and VI, among other stuff. All cool movies, no doubt, but I just worry about putting this man at the helm of CAPTAIN AMERICA.

Of course, we all know how the movie will end (unless you don’t know about Captain America’s origins!) and I can’t get over how much potential there is to make a really good movie in a way that really can’t be done anywhere else. I can’t think of an example of a period piece genre film with a legacy as important and longstanding as Captain America. I mean, yeah, he’s a comic book character who throws a (fucking awesome) shield at Nazis and super villains, that might sound ridiculous, but it’s Captain America. No suspension of disbelief required. Its already been ingrained into your subconscious since he first appeared in March of 1941.

Anyway. Stay tuned for more comics related news at JUICEBOXdotcom, a comics and other stuff website.

Before I get into the review portion of the… review, I want to flip (this is new slang for give, forward or push in your direction) you some numbers. This is the 22nd Bond film, and the second starring Daniel Craig. This is the first Bond sequel (I think? Having trouble confirming this. Anyone?) and it takes place one hour after Casino Royale ends. The film is 106 minutes long, making it the shortest Bond film ever. The film cost $230 million to make. The film was released two weeks earlier in Europe and made a dump-truck of money. That, combined with the North American opening weekend gross of $70.4 million, puts the movie at $322 million worldwide. So far.

Now: Reviewtown.

Quantum of Solace was good. Not as good as Casino Royale, but definitely a fun time. The film is packed with action, and through its monkey-filled-barrel of mindless (yet totally awesome) ass-kickery, I fell in love. Of course, that’s not to say that this is the kind of love you’ll write home to tell your mom about, but love nonetheless.

However, one cannot avoid the fact that this movie wasn’t as good as its predecessor (mom? older sister? not sure where to take this metaphor…) and what Quantum lacked is easy to identify.

Plot.

Sure, there was a plot in there somewhere, but remember that really long string of scenes in the first movie where Bond is playing poker and pretty much ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF THAT MATTERS unfolds? Obviously we couldn’t have another poker scene, but at least something to perform the same function (ie plot) would have been nice.

All in all, worth seeing if you like ass-kickery.

You might remember Mr. Chi-City from a pretty recent JUICEBOXdotcom posting. This is where I met him. And after watching his viral video sensation Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked (over 500,000 views, what!), I knew that Mr. Chi-City was going to be the President of the United States one day.

Unlike many of the Worst Monday/Best Friday spotlights, Mr. Chi-City isn’t known for any particular talent. He doesn’t draw comics, he doesn’t play in a band, and he most certainly doesn’t wrestle on any kind of professional level. Mr. Chi-City has captured a league of Youtubers with a brave and refreshing level of realness. He spouts one iconic catchphrase after another (my personal favourite being, “you breathin’ heavy as hellll, I know you hungry”) under a cloak of anonymity.

Chi-City brings a message of hope to everyone working a joe-job that they hate, reminding us to get money, and get paid. His POV-Camera style is his bat-suit, his charm is his utility belt, and his delightful Eddie-Murphy-style cackle rings out in the night like an illuminated bat-signal reassuring us that someone is out there working for the people. On the worst of Mondays, I present to you Mr. Seven Sixty-Three, the Dollar Menu Millionaire himself. . . Mr. Chi-City.

Worst day-job
Working at Burger King. The damn french fry grease would burn my hands every day. And 83% of the staff didn’t speak English. But I did learn a lot of Spanish that summer.

Worst haircut
When I was in Washington D.C., the barber had my hairline so far back, I looked like Terry Bradshaw for real.

Worst subculture
What does subculture mean??

Worst date
This chick ate almost $56 worth of Reb Lobster, and then decided she didn’t know me well enough to give me any vagina. It was the worst date ever.

Worst invention
Vibrating dildos. It’s unfair to the male species. We can’t compete.

Worst purchase
Vanessa Del Rio porn auto biography. There wasn’t enough sex in it like i thought it would be. That shit was a waste of $400 dollars.

Worst way to die
I would say the worst way to die would have to be… from a heart attack. While in the middle of a homosexual experimental night. Because the next day everyone is gonna think you died while doing something kind of gay.

Having heard in advance that Sam and Ashley did not like the film [Ed.'s note: but do very much like Charlie Kaufman], I’m momentarily stunned; ten-thousand thoughts per second all converge on one point: Holy shit; I might be the only person I know who is going to love this movie. I wait 15 minutes before telling her this.

Synecdoche, NY is, in my humble opinion [Ed.'s note: and Ebert's], a masterpiece [Ed.'s note: but Alejandro really really loves Science of Sleep]. So three out of the four people mentioned so far in this review didn’t like it, but that doesn’t make it any less of a thorough, complex story that will leave you thinking… if you let it. Charlie Kaufman, the newspaper-salesman-turned-film-scribe behind all your favourite movies, including Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, makes his directorial debut [Ed.'s note: when he should have stuck to just writing them] with a film about trying to leave your mark on the world.

A theatre director (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is afraid of death. In fact, he is so afraid of death that it affects every aspect of his life, most importantly it drives his fear of being forgotten. As the story progresses, he is given the opportunity to create something important, and as a result spends his life creating a living play. I’m re-reading that sentence now, and this description is both poor and largely inaccurate. But the truth is that you can’t really sum up this plot the old fashioned way. Rather, let’s think of this in terms of theme.

Kaufman explores themes that he has delved into through each of the films he has written. “Having a better life” begins to explain what he’s doing, but then you have to ask, “A better life than what? Than whom? For what purpose?” The idea of being so afraid to live your own life — because you might fuck it up, because someone might do it better, because you don’t know the path to the greatest happiness — is what motivates Hoffman’s character to create entire worlds.

What makes this film great is that unlike Kaufman’s other films [Ed.'s note: where outside directors can hone in his scope by cutting the fat], he doesn’t use any of the exits he creates for himself along the way [Ed.'s note: because now he can be overindulgent sans overlord]. Kaufman explores this theme through to the end [Ed.'s note: which makes it trip and draaaag]. There are several opportunities for Hoffman’s character to quit in his quest for his own magnum opus, but at the core we realize that he will never be truly satisfied [Ed.'s note: much like Charlie Kaufman, which is the real brilliance of this movie].

And there’s a moral in that.

In a cinematic landscape where most movies you hear about are about explosions and teenagers falling in love with vampires [Ed.'s note: Synecdoche, NY needed more explosions and teenagers falling in love with vampires], what other reason do you need to name a movie as worthwhile?

[Ed.'s note: this movie would have been great if someone else had directed it]

This week in sports history
I’M DRRRUNNNKKKK

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Yankees offered CC Sabathia (CC does not stand for Canadian Club) a massive contract containing GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY!! It’s worth like $137,000,000. Economy crisis my ass, New York. If he ends up pocketing all that cash, he will be able to make SEVEN trips to space!

The Hockey Team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
I am gonna rip on the Islanders aalll year, baby. What the fuck is this??

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Lebron
2. Chris Bosh (maybe?)
3. Christiano Ronaldo (as suggested by Nikola Stojanovic, the retard. Go see his show “The Blogdriver’s waltz”, at Second City Toronto, November 30th!)
4. CC Sabathia
5. Wendel Clark in the day

What I am watching this week
Nothing. Its mid season for everyone. NFL, NBA, NHL… who effin cares. Check back for this column in three weeks.

Vagin of the week
Me, for missing an entire week worth of sports, a week in which the Leafs and Habs had a major brawl, the Hawks went undefeated, the Lions continued to eat dicks for lunch, and A.I. went to the Pistons (changing nothing). Oh, and Barack Obama became president, prompting good old Lindsay Lohan to say this.

GW posing with the Arizona State track team a couple of days ago. It’s supposedly the ASU pitchfork sign. Ha. From a post on BoingBoing:

As someone who lives in Tempe, AZ (home of ASU) I can tell you this is the “trident” sign for the schools sports teams. I have had discussions with my friends and we think that the students popularized this sign in correlation with the popularity of the “shocker”. So it is like when you were a kid and you did the OK symbol with your hands. You know it means asshole, but your parents don’t know that. So I think all the students know it means “shocker” and find it hilarious when they get parents and administrators to do it. Which makes this even funnier as they are getting the President of the United States to do the “shocker”!

Yes, it’s Friday. Which means it’s time to hear about some of internet award winning comic strip writer/artist/wonderguy Jeph Jacques’ Bests.

Best injury
I was opening a pocketknife when it slipped out of my hand and I instinctively tried to catch it before it hit the ground. The blade went through the webbing between the ring and middle fingers of my left hand and severed an artery. Blood EVERYWHERE. I ended up getting stitches and drew a comic that night with my hand all bandaged up (I’m left handed). I felt like a badass. An idiotic badass.

Best historical figure
Einstein.

Best shirt
My grey Hum tshirt from their 1997 tour. I can’t actually wear it anymore because it’s too beaten up but it has a little shrine in the bottom of my dresser.

Best thing to do with $20
You can probably buy a couple books with 20 dollars. Or a bunch of comics.

Best party trick
I’m really good at drinking too much and regretting it the next day. G-good times?

Best monster
The Blob.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Too much pressure to come up with something clever aaaaugh sdjektllsckrnnwjxjfk//////

What do you get when you mash together every song ever and then mash together 2500 people?

I’ve honestly never been to that big a dance party in my whole life. Even in places where dancing happens! I’ve been circling ideas around in my head since last night, trying to suss out the best way to describe the festivities, and it’s really hard. I mean, sure, I could talk about the music, but Girl Talk is pretty much ultimate mash-ups on ADD. Some people can’t handle the fickle nature of the songs, and others… well, others just LOVE IT. But I digress.

Packed is probably the one word that I think best describes the show. The venue was packed with people to the point that I can now say that I’ve bathed in the sweat of friendly hipsters and douchebros alike. The mixes were packed (see what I’m doing?) with more songs and longer mixes. The stage was packed with so many people that more than once I thought to myself: ‘man, I want to be at THAT party!’ Also, there were inflatable basketballs (like beachballs!) and inflated backs (actually) that were probably… packed, and then unpacked and thrown around the crowd at the show.

Anyway, the show was effing wicked. If you can handle dancing crowds – and to be fair, not everyone can – you should definitely take the next opportunity to see this guy.

In keeping with the COMICSCOMICSCOMICS theme that we seem to be pushing here at JBdotcom lately (thanks Stats), and to whore ourselves ever so slightly to the terrifying influx of traffic being linked here through Dinosaur Comics (thanks Ryan), let’s chat about this little oil town in Turkey called Batman. Wikipedia tells me it has a population of 246,700, and that their coat of arms looks like it was drawn by me.

Anyhow, currently the mayor is suing Warner Bros. for using his town’s name in this low-budget b-movie we keep hearing about called The Dark Knight.

Okay, there’s really no way to make this funnier than it already is:

From Variety

Mayor of Batman sues WB, Nolan

Batman has a new adversary: Batman.

The mayor of an oil-producing city in southeastern Turkey, which has the same name as the Caped Crusader, is suing helmer Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. for royalties from mega-grosser “The Dark Knight.”

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused “The Dark Knight” producers of using the city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

No one from the town of Batman has explained why it took so many years to take legal action. Batman first appeared as a comicbook character in 1939 and the “Batman” TV series started in 1966. Tim Burton’s first bigscreen rendition for Warner Bros. came out in 1989. Undoubtedly the fact that “Dark Knight” is about to pass the $1 billion mark at the B.O. played a part in stirring the ire of the Turkish hamlet.

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants.

Former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad . . . (more)

A fake copy of today’s Times. 1.2 million copies of it. Distributed all over New York.

Gawker figured out how they pulled it off after getting access to an email that went out to interested parties last night:

TONIGHT - and especially, TOMORROW MORNING (WEDNESDAY) - a year of work involving dozens of collaborators comes to a head. Here’s the schedule:

** TOMORROW (WEDNESDAY) MORNING, 7am-11am: **

Take a break in your commute to pick up materials, then distribute them on the rest of your commute. (Or if you want to come back and refill, fantastic.)

Look for the white UHaul vans near:

- UNION SQUARE: probably near the northwest corner of Union Square Park
- COLUMBUS CIRCLE: probably on 56th St. between 8th and 9th Ave.
- GRAND CENTRAL: probably on 43rd St. between Vanderbilt and Madison, near west entrance of Grand Central Station.
- PENN STATION: probably on 33rd St. between 6th and 7th Ave., just NE of Penn Station

Locations will be confirmed and updated by text alert (sign up at http://becausewewantit.org) and email around 7am tomorrow.

** Also, TONIGHT, 5pm-8pm (if time is tight tomorrow or you just can’t wait): **

Look for a white UHaul van near the NORTHWEST CORNER OF UNION SQUARE PARK. You’ll pick up the materials and KEEP THEM SECRET until TOMORROW MORNING, when you can distribute them wherever you happen to be, or on your commute.

WATCH TEXT ALERTS FOR ANY LOCATION CHANGES (sign up at http://becausewewantit.org). We’ll also send another email around 5pm.

** THINGS TO BRING: **

- A bag that can hold a big bundle of printed matter - as much as you can carry. Think big canvas bags, big backpacks, rolling carts, etc.
- Warm clothes
- Friends (or we will team you up)

What will happen:
Something cool! You’ll receive materials and instructions when you arrive. NOTE: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO DID THIS. We want to maintain maximum mystery around this, for as long as possible - at least for a couple of days.

Tomorrow morning we’ll also have an online viral campaign - a quick click before you take off for work can make a big difference!

Thank you again for volunteering your time and energy!

See you soon,
The many secret people YOU DO NOT KNOW

Good on the Times for being such good ol’ boys about it though (and for anticipating the demand for these hotcakes on eBay):

Via the New York Times City Room Blog:

“I would say if you’ve got one, hold on to it. It will probably be a collector’s item. I’m just glad someone thinks The New York Times print edition is worthy of an elaborate hoax. A Web spoof would have been infinitely easier. But creating a print newspaper and handing it out at subway stations? That takes a lot of effort. I consider this a gigantic compliment to The Times.”

You can download a PDF of the fake paper on the accompanying fake website.

I forgive you for the harpsichord song.

Nice one, Billy. You bad ass. “Take Your Dick Out Of My Ass and Stick It In My Mouth”? You wrote a book of poetry called Blinking with Fists. Shut up. Forever.

It just shows that Tom Gabel has really made it. Big shiny expensive albums, power ballads with the laziest videos ever, and a solo EP that doesn’t hint at being even remotely interesting have all brought you here. Congratulations, Gayballs. You’ve been vandalized on Wikipedia!

Jay McCarroll (winner of Project Runway) >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Jay McCarrol (of Nirvana the Band the Show)

“I’ve received numerous emails intended for the silly McCarroll over the last several years,” says our Jay McCarrol. This due in part to the fact they both own .com’s with the slight variation on their name.

But recently one of those emails was a pitch from news website The Daily Beast (run by Tina Brown, former editor of Vanity Fair and The New Yorker), asking McCarrol — who they obviously assumed was the fashionista double-L version — to design a gown as part of an article about what Michelle Obama should wear to the Inaugural Ball.

Cue sitcom theme.

The gown had to be “at once stylish, patriotic—and appropriately thrifty for a recession.” So, no doubt sensing the batshit insane ridiculousness of the situation, Jay enlists the help of a friend to sketch out a dress design… then issues a statement about it:

“From concept to cut this dress is symbolic of the new found responsibilities we as Americans have attained in light of our country’s economic crisis. The idea is simple, we as Americans need to live within our means, get back to basics, and rebuild a solid foundation to live upon.

God bless America bitches.”

And it’s a burlap sack with the American flag on it.

“My friend who designed the dress is one of my lifelong friends’ younger sister. She’s decided to remain anonymous in this whole thing,” says Jay. “And I don’t know why. I think it’d be a great way to potentially get your foot in the fashion world.”

Especially given the note he received back from the writer, according to TSG: “Awesome, thanks so much Jay! I love it,” a writer who later referred to it in print as “cocktail-length frock with a surprising amount of sex appeal for a sack-based garment” (LOLOLOL). Plus the design apparently got picked up by Us Weekly. So congrats, mystery designer ghost lady.

Needless to say, the whole shebang was taken offline when TSG ruined all the fun by cluing them in. And thankfully Jay hasn’t gotten in any serious trouble so far.

“Since the story just came out, I haven’t heard from any lawyers or anything — but I wouldn’t be surprised if I receive a cease and desist from impersonating the guy,” he says.

Check out the Smoking Gun piece for screen grabs + further awesomeness. And Nirvana the Band the Show for further Jay McCarrol.

The internet is a beautiful place, isn’t it? As if animals riding other animals weren’t enough, there’s this great comic strip you may have heard of called Questionable Content. Haven’t heard of it? Shame on you. Basically, it’s about romance, indie rock, and the occasional robot. If you haven’t read them, you really should. I read it, like, everyday.

Jeph Jacques is the mastermind (aka writer/artist) behind this strip, which began on August 1, 2003. Originally published 2 days a week, Jacques eventually quit his job (!) and began publishing 5 days a week. A member of the Dayfree Press, an independent webcomic collective (along with previous best/worster Ryan North), Jacques is one of those successful few who has made a business out of his art, openly commenting on how the comic strip is his only job. Lucky guy! More importantly, lucky us for having free access to the QC archive of over 1200 full colour strips! Enough waiting:

Worst day-job
My last real job involved sitting behind a desk and answering phones for a local alternative newspaper all day. The pay was shit, it was monotonous as hell, and somehow I managed to make it two years before getting fired. That was the really scary, awful part - those two years went by so fast, I can totally see how people end up working jobs they hate for their entire lives. You just get up in the morning, try not to flip out and kill everyone all day, then go home and go to bed. Repeat 20000 times. Eeeeeeek.

Worst haircut
I routinely give myself homemade Mohawks. Worst haircut… OR BEST HAIRCUT???

Worst subculture
Juggalos. I know I am not being very original here but come on.

Worst date
Back in high school I was supposed to go see the remastered Star Wars with this girl I was really into. Only the theater was in DC and I was a stupid kid from the Maryland suburbs so I got completely lost trying to find the theater and meet up with her. I ended up finding the theater just in time to catch the end of the movie, but I never did manage to meet up with the girl. She dumped me a week later. Then we started a band together. Awkward?

Worst invention
Cassette tapes.

Worst purchase
My iPhone, because now I CANNOT FUNCTION WITHOUT IT.

Worst way to die
Hyenas. They basically start eating you before you even lose consciousness.

Last weekend I went to the Fest. Now I’m going home. Slowly. The time spent in a van with six other dudes has given me plenty of time to think about my life and the sad, directionless way I live it. Jokes. Everything rules. I wrote about this simple truth twice this week. And in the interest of spreading more of my never ending joy with people who read stuff on the internet, I present my complete minimal-sentence reviews of every single band I saw at the Fest this weekend. All 47 of them. Because I don’t have more important things to do and get stoked about.

But since I know not everyone is way into my opinion of Teenage Cool Kids (you should be, because my opinion is that they’re great), you can check ‘em out after the jump. You should. I spent all afternoon in a van writing this (and making this video). If not, cool. There’s other great stuff on this site to read. Haters.

DAY ONE.

Virgins: New band from Sam from New Mexican Disaster Squad which utterly rules. Kind of like NMDS but a little slower and more awesome. I bought a shirt.

Coffee Project: Buddy from Less Than Jake and Jake from Rehasher playing acoustic + trombone pop-punk. Did it work? 2 dollar PBR! Cool!

A Wilhelm Scream: Sounded like every other time I’ve seen them but with a few hundred more bodies flipping out. So even better. Great band, great dudes, great times.

The Falcon: Everyone in the Lawrence Arms plus the guy from Smoking Popes playing songs that kind of sound like the Lawrence Arms. Obviously great.

Rehasher: Roger from Less Than Jake playing really fast and totally rad pop-punk. This band never plays live and when they hit “Sinking” I was all pushing kids and yelling shit.

Ninja Gun: These dudes aren’t faking the whole cool-guy southern rock thing. They have accents! Whoa. And great tunes. I like them a lot.

Building the State: Like Mogwai if they were from DC in the late ‘80s. Which is to say, they were epic and aggressive and fucking really godamn good.

Cheeky: My first romance with Gainesville’s best venue, the Kickstand, meant that this band sounded so good and so happy I couldn’t help but be like, “Life is so good and so beautiful and so kind.” Thanks, guys.

Grabass Charlestons: There are bands you dig and are like, “Well, they live in Florida and never tour, so I’ll never see them.” Fuck you, logic. I saw the Grabass Charlestons, and it was great.

Five Star Pizza: Delicious.

LaSalle: Dude from Small Brown Bike continuing to be awesome. Like late-era Jawbox (so, Burning Airlines) but with a more aggressive mix of soft/harsh shit. Great great great.

This Bike is a Pipe Bomb: Saw, like, one song. It was really good. People with gross beards seemed especially excited.

Chris Wollard and the Ship Thieves: One of the things I was most stoked about seeing. Chris from HWM and the Draft playing songs that basically sound like really slow Draft songs. Captivating and incredibly catchy without being too saccharine. Pretty fucking perfect.

Bouncing Souls: “Here we go here we go here we go!”

Paint in Black (in a U-Haul): Yup.

DAY TWO.

The No Idea BBQ and Yard Sale: Waited in a line for way too long to buy some records. You know when you see photos of muslims circling around the big black rock at mecca? Replace muslims dudes with beard punks and the black rock with the No Idea office, and that’s how it felt. Then I ate an amazing pulled pork sandwich.

Atom and his Package: Adam Goren broke up with himself in 2005. So I never thought I’d get to see him play “Pumping Iron for Enya”. Well, I did. This was one of my big reasons for travelling down to crazy ol’ Florida and it was really, really… ruling.

Coalesce: Crazy, heavy, amazing. The guitarist scares me. They all scare me, actually.

Banner Pilot: Too crowded to see shit, but sounded like Banner Pilot.

Armalite: One of my favourite No Idea bands ever. I love their one record, they never play shows, etc. Incredible, I wanted to hug everyone and spread my love like wildfire. Instead, I drank some Miller High Life.

The Lawrence Arms: Sometimes you’re lucky enough to see a band as seasoned as these dudes get truly affected by the way a crowd reacts to their songs. The Venue felt like a thousand watt campfire singalong.

Shook Ones: They’re great. They played a new song. It was great. Stoked.

None More Black: I never got super in to this band, even though I loved Kid Dynamite and I think the LaGrecia record are both (Jason fronts all said bands). But this was pretty amazing. Same as Lawrence Arms; during “Loud About Loathing”, the kid seemed pretty fucking wowed by the thousand people punk rock karaoke show. Pretty incredible.

Subway: Kind of soggy, but delicious.

Municipal Waste: This whole weird thrash trend is getting weird, but this was pretty fucking fun. They played a lot of thrash songs about thrashing.

Bridge and Tunnel: Their record is incredible, and their live show is incredible-er. If there is justice in this crazy world, they will be famous as fuck in two years.

Tin Armor: Back at the Kickstand, and since things were running late, I was lucky enough to catch these guys. They sounded like a really smart power-pop band and I bought their CD. I hope it’s good.

Slingshot Dakota: Oh man, they’re great. Got all the kids on stage, played “Waiting Room” (which sounds pretty sweet with just a keyboard and drums, who knew?), and stole my heart. My god. I want it back. But I’m just so in love.

The Sidekicks: Good. Will be better in six months. I bet.

Polar Bear Club: I’m the guy in the red plaid.

Able Baker Fox: Their third show (and fourth practice). Amazing. Yup. That’s it.

The Copyrights: Nice to listen to.

Broadway Calls at some warehouse: Showed up in time to see them cover Jawbreaker and Kid Dynamite. Best four minutes ever.

DAY THREE.

Asiago cheese bagel with butter and coffee from Bagels Unlimited: Sat in a parking lot and listened to Jawsome play some sick thrash while eating, sipping, and reading. Gainesville is kind of like magic.

Teenage Cool Kids: I just went ‘cause there wasn’t anything really exciting happening anywhere else at 2 in the afternoon and I wanted to walk to the Kickstand. In the Fest Guidebook is says these guys have synths and play some kind of dancey bullshit. Instead, they’re an amazing power-pop band that, like Bridge and Tunnel, should be famous in two years. Best happy accident of the whole weekend. Besides fathering a child with a woman from Tallahassee. Sorry, guys.

Nan Grizol: Theo from Defiance, Ohio continuing to be an incredible songwriter and storyteller. If you liked In the Aeroplane Over the Sea but wished it was more like a folk-punk album, this is pretty much exactly how this sounds.

The Hidden Spots: They sound like Hot Water Music, but happier.

The Arrivals: Not as awesome as I wanted.

Stressface: Exactly as awesome as I wanted.

Monikers: Another way-crowded set side stage at the Venue, but still awesome. They played this song “Wake Up” which is so good and could be in a really good beer commercial if it wasn’t SO FUCKING PUNK.

Gatorface: Some sweet riffs. Singer’s voice was pretty shot from, you know, being at the Fest. So shit was alright.

Off With Their Heads: So angry. So awesome. Kept bitching about how long their set was and asking if they could stop. But you could tell they were loving every second of it. But their bitterness just makes them so much more charming. And punk.

Black Tusk: Heaviest shit I saw all weekend. I could feel it in my balls. Great beards in this band. Even better riffs. And HEAVINESS.

Taco Bell: Not filling.

Shot Baker: Really great. Guaranteed these guys play a way bigger venue next year.

Subway: Filling.

OK Pilot: The Flats toured with these guys in Europe and made everyone watch their set. Holy shit. Like the Bronx but faster and more British.

The Ergs!: When Dead to Me dropped off due to Jack having a baby, there were a lot of rumors about who would fill their Sunday night slot. Hot Water Music? American Steel? The Draft? Against Me! (seriously, some kid told me that’s what he heard)? Nope. The Ergs! just played two sets, the second one consisting of their classic Dork Cork Rod in its entirety and some Descendents covers in memory of the late, great Frank Navetta. Truly awesome. Saw them in Toronto with a hundred people singing along at the top of their lungs; at the Fest, a full room of 1500 people were doing the same thing and it was fucking cool.

Leatherface: Leatherface.

In conclusion, I love America. And if you’re still reading this, let’s hang out. You and me both obviously have some time on our hands.

My mom gets bummed every time I talk about this band. Which is too bad, because my mom is otherwise a huge fan of Poison Idea-inspired progressive hardcore.

Damian is so friendly. But look how angry he is in this photo! He’s probably yelling about hating cops. Man, Fucked Up are a great band. Have you bought their new record yet? If you like music, you’ll probably think it’s good.

Best injury
I have an insane scar from a pint glass being crushed in my head.

Best historical figure
Carl Panzram. Scary as all get out.

Best shirt
My Scooby Records “Jesus Should Have Been Aborted” shirt. So offensive that it is actually kinda stupid.

Best thing to do with $20
Buy records and fast food… or a slurpee… or a book. Actually can I borrow some of your $20?

Best party trick
I’m a pretty bad ass yo-yoer.

Best monster
See question #2. Or Candyman.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
One time a guy asked me if we were worth our guarantee. Another time we were asked if Feist and Cat Power were the same person.

Aren’t they supposed to be natural enemies? EAT HIM. But actually, I can’t believe this can even exist as a regular feature. And is anyone as amused as I am by these posts activating smart ads by the WSPA?

I wasn’t a fan of Joan Crawford when I watched this collection. Other than Mildred Peirce, I hadn’t seen any of her movies, and she didn’t strike me as anything special.

So I figured, why not get to know the lady? She seems like a nice old lady; like she’d give me candy just for walking by her house on my way to school. And this is supposed to be a collection of her best movies, right? Well, being vol. 2, I guess it’s her best movies numbers six through ten… but there’s got to be some gems in there. I mean, the sixth best Dolph Lundren movie is Army of One -– and Army of One is pretty great.

This collection contains the films A Woman’s Face, Sadie McKee, Flamingo Road, Strange Cargo, and Torch Song. The set itself is top notch; every movie is on its own disc (no double-sided nonsense, where one side is a movie and the other side is a bunch of scratches with ‘side 2’ printed on it) and each movie comes with a cartoon (which are amazingly restored and colourful as fuck) and either a short documentary about the film, a related newsreel short, and other related odds and ends.

Torch Song
We learn from ‘Tough Baby’–– the bonus feature documentary about Torch Song — that it’s a musical constructed from songs written for (but not good enough to be used in) other musicals of the era. This film is literally garbage. It tells the story of an older actress who is bitter at her aging face and takes it out on everyone. After going through numerous musical directors on her newest film, she finally meets her match in a blind pianist who isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade. In the case of Torch Song, the spade in question occurs when JC and the cast perform the song ‘Two-faced Woman’ while dressed up in black-face.

The disc also has JC’s PSA for The Jimmy Fund, where we learn in those days there were no cancer ‘patients’, only cancer ‘victims’; and, that we should donate as much as we can to them because – in JC’s words – “…this is the only happiness they might have…” She really goes all out too. It’s not like Michael Stipe looking all bored telling us about African babies.

The ‘TV of Tomorrow’ bonus cartoon is a prime example of why Tex Avery might have been America’s most astute social satirist. It’s an eerily accurate jab on how television will/has taken over our free time, and more than likely was lost on the children who watched it. The “thrifty scotchman” television model was my favorite.

Sadie Mckee
In Sadie McKee, JC plays a servant girl who goes off to the big city only to get stepped on. Under the guidance of a streetwise showgirl, she’s fucking her way into high society (off camera) via a drunk and dying old fat guy. As the movie progress, JC learns softens up and learns what life and love are really all about.

What really stood out for me was the name-calling in this movie. Scoundrels are called ‘horse-thieves’, morons are called ‘simple’ (as in, “way to go, simple”); and on more than one occasion JC is referred to as a ‘Thoroughbred’. Why can’t we go back to the days when we didn’t refer to women by their ‘fuckability’, but their ‘breedability’ instead? It’s the difference between saying, “I’d really like to stick my dick in her,” and, “I want my sperm in her eggs.”

The bonus features on this disc aren’t anything special. “Goofy Movies #4” is a comic newsreel that has a monkey boxing match; and as it ends, a faint, double-exposed emblem stating “NRA MEMBER” can be seen behind the words “The End.” The bonus cartoon “TOYLAND BROADCAST” has a bunch of toys running a radio station. It’s not that funny, but the black-faced SAMBO JAZZ BAND is pretty good in it. For a jazz band.

Flamingo Road
This time around, JC is a carnival worker turned socialite who fights state-wide, back-room, southern corruption. It’s pretty much just Sadie McKee, if Sadie McKee had to fight Boss Hog.
The bonus cartoon, “Curtain Razor”, has Porky Pig playing a talent agent auditioning new clients. We may not remember it, but we’ve all seen it at least 20 times.

A Woman’s Face
The movie revolves around JC’s character – a bitter woman who runs a speakeasy/bootlegging establishment. Why does she do this you ask? Why doesn’t she settle down and become a nurse or school teacher? Well, because she has a four-inch scar on her cheek. In the world of A Woman’s Face, this puts her on par with Gorgon. Eventually, the only old man in the world who isn’t repulsed by her manipulates her into blackmailing the wife of a plastic surgeon. Things don’t go as planned, but the plastic surgeon winds up telling JC she can be ‘cured’ (of monsterism). Anyways, after she’s fixed she ends up becoming the caretaker of a little boy in Switzerland (who she’s supposed to kill on orders from the manipulative old man) and everyone thinks she’s beautiful. The little boy even says, “you can’t be mean, you’re too pretty.” Which makes JC love the boy, and now she must choose between helping the boy or pushing him off a ski lift; which holds true to the movie’s theme of ‘you’ll either be beautiful, or the world’s most hideous monster.’

But honestly, Joan Crawford isn’t that hot. And I like mature women. Girl’s aren’t sexy – women are sexy. Who’s hotter – Famke Jensen, or Jessica Alba? Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth, or Jennifer Connelly in Little Children? First generation April O’Neal, or second generation April O’Neal? Women, in general, are hotter than young women. They’re more confident; more knowledgeable about what they want, who they are, and how to get it. And that is sexy. I would push Scarlet Johansen into a brick wall for a chance to smell Parker Posey’s hair. Not that Scarlet isn’t pretty – don’t beat me up Ryan Reynolds – she’s gorgeous. But with a few more years under her belt she’ll be able to melt testicles. That said, Joan Crawford isn’t sexy. The older generation must’ve thought Joan Crawford was beautiful the same way they though cigarettes were good for the skin.

The bonus documentary/newsreel, You Can’t Fool A Camera, is a weird little piece of propaganda about the authenticity provided by shooting things on film. It starts out by explaining the history of film, then shows a few cinematographers of the era, and eventually it becomes a commercial for upcoming MGM releases – including A Woman’s Face.

The animated short, Little Cesario, was the first and last cartoon Francis Bacon did for MGM. It’s about a runt St. Bernard coming into his own while dealing with other St. Bernards; except for some reason they’re all rabid and part monster.

One of the better features on the whole collection is the two radio performances of A Woman’s Face. The Screen Guild Theatre broadcast has Bette Davis in the lead role, and the Lux Radio Theatre broadcast has Ida Lupino in the lead role. Which is fitting, seeing as Ida Lupino referred to herself as the poor man’s Bette Davis. But I like Ida Lupino. For those of you who don’t know, Ida Lupino was an actress who transitioned into becoming one of the first female directors in the Hollywood studio system. She directed the episode of the Twilight Zone where that spoiled family has to wear a bunch of masks overnight in order to collect their inheritance.

Strange Cargo
Strange Cargo is this collection’s Army of One. It’s a surprisingly poetic adventure/drama in which a Christ-like character navigates JC, Clarke Gable, and a group of escaped convicts out of a penal colony, through the jungle, across the ocean, and to the mainland – all-the-while being pursued by Peter Lorre in his regular greasy scumbag role. This movie really took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting much, but the theme of redemption and forgiveness is balanced beautifully against the hostile attitudes of the escapees; and the camera is unflinchingly subtle as - one by one - the auxiliary cast members meet their demise.

The disc also has a short documentary about Clark Gable and Joan Crawford, detailing their history together in film and eventually separation as Crawford becomes jealous of Gable’s relationship with Carol Lumbard.

The cartoon, The Lonesome Stranger, is a Lone Ranger spoof with a sad-sack lone ranger and his black-faced horse. The bonus newsreel/documentary, More About Nostradamus, starts off as a Ripley’s Believe It or Not retelling of Nostradamus and eventually fades into WWII U.S. propaganda.

In the end, after watching the Joan Crawford Collection vol. 2, I’m still not a fan of the lady. I understand the allure of her at the time, but I can’t get into her acting. It’s just too one note. It’s like when the television was first released – I’m sure I would have watched the station identification all night. But, eventually, the programming is bound to become more diverse and I’m not going to find that station identification so intriguing. And that’s how I feel looking back at Joan Crawford’s acting – although appropriate for the time, it’s incredibly archetypal by today’s standards and I am never going to appreciate it the same way it was originally received.

7:24: Arrive with the Flatliners in Warner Robins, Georgia, a town none of us have ever heard of. The bar they’re playing tonight is called Crickets, and is full of rednecks playing pool. It, unsurprisingly, has no internet and is playing FOX News on the television while country music blares. I am informed by the promoter of the show that this town exists soley to support a U.S. Air Force Base down the street. I am currently sitting outside a closed Liberty Tax Service office stealing internet and watching CNN online while a bunch of dudes in army fatigues stare at me. Tonight is going to be fucking weird.

7:29: HOLOGRAMS.

7:31: SERIOUSLY.

7:36: Things are getting uncomfortable in the parking lot. This town looks a lot like Markham or any vast suburban expanse; wide streets, no sidewalks, an Ole Times Country Buffet, etc. So imagine someone pecking away at a keyboard or watching video in front of a closed-up Laser Quest in Richmond Hill. Weird, right? Time to see if Captain Jack’s Crab Shack and Billiards across the street has internet?

8:03: What’s up Captain Jack’s. The billiard part is way hardcore and doesn’t get internet. The family restaurant with children’s play area and arcade? Yup. Also, all-you-can-eat snow crab legs. But that shit’s $18.95, so fuck that. I’m drinking Budweiser and getting a grilled cheese sandwich. Cool.

8:23: Sandwich is good.

8:25: It’s really easy to forget what this means to people when it’s reduced to me blogging about my grilled cheese and jokes about countries you can see from your house. But fuck. This feels important, right?

8:37: Fuck you too, Liddy Dole. Awesome.

8:38: CNN is only streaming CNN.com TV, which is clearly way lame. Now watching MSNBC and Olbermann’s huge head.

8:42: My very sweet waitress, who clearly thinks I’m a little bit of a weirdo for being the only dude in Captain Jack’s crab shack on a Mackbook, informs me that this is a town whose inhabitants, which the exception of those that work at the Crab Shack or the Ole Times Country Buffet, work for the military. If Obama wins, will fake great disappoint and curse all rap music.

8:45: Warner Robins loves them some snow crab.

8:49: Some kid just asked if I was in a band. Junior Battles has one 17 year-old Casualties fan in Georgia.

8:56: Tom DeLay on MSNBC: “I don’t hate, I don’t hate.”

8:57: My current home state of Georgia called for McCain. If the bearded dude in the camo shirt asks, I’m stoked.

9:02: Arizona is too close to call. This calls for a Bud Lite.

9:04: And now we have to wait until at least 11 to see what happens. I’ll see you in the NASCAR racing simulator across the bar. Seriously, I’m going to go get my race on.

9:10: Virgina and the Bradley effect.

9:30: Ohio motherfuckers.

9:31: Looks like I have to leave the Crab Shack soon and head to the billiards room. I’m scared.

9:32: Overhead this morning at a house in Tallahassee: “Fuck Obama, man. People are all like, ‘Did you vote for Obama?’ Fuck that. I voted for Bob Barr. The one you’ve never heard of.”

9:35: I wonder how the Flats show is going? This long hair named Ricky who’s jamming along with the band (and plays in a great band called the Ceremonial Snips) is worried that he’s going to get his ass kicked for his lady hair and his Canadian tuxedo.

9:43: Did I mention how good the fries are at Captain Jack’s?

9:49: Did I mention I wish I was home to party with Spacing?

9:55: Okay, so with a big ol’ dose of knocking on wood, it looks like Obama could very well win tonight. With this comes a very serious concern of mine: how will I know it’s the future in movies anymore if the States actually has a black president?

9:59: JUICEBOXdotcom’s Ashley Carter reports via text message that the party at Toronto’s Bloor Cinema is “fucking awesome.”

10:05: America, we love you. You’re crazy sometimes, but godamn, we love you.

10:15: Captain Jack’s needs me to leave. Going to check in the Flats show down the big sidewalk-free street and head into the billiards room and see what I can swing re: internets.

10:47: Visited the Flats show. According to Chris, the show is “boring as fuck.”

10:50: I am alone in the billiard room.

10:51: FYI, it’s my mom’s birthday, and she’s a lovely lady. Happy birthday, Mom!

10:59: Here it comes.

11:00: Thanks for the grilled cheese, Warner Robins. America rules, the world is thankful, we just saw history get made, happy birthday to my wonderful mother, I’m out.

Next two episodes after the jump.

It’s starting. See you in the morning.

Right now I’m in a parking lot in Tallahassee, Florida. There’s a terrible ska band playing inside a bar called The Engine Room. I’m in the van of good JUICEBOXdotcom friends