Attention vulnerable blogsumers! This is an unauthorized message from Aaron “The Sparrow” Zorgel. After months of arduous preparation, I’ve finally managed to hack into the JUICEBOXdotcom main-frame for just a few minutes. My time here is brief — but I hope my message will ring true for years to come. I’ve put a non-deletable coding on this blog entry, and the only way Editors Sam “MOM” Sutherland and Ashley “DAD” Carter can delete it is by enduring the buffering prompt screen (the buffering prompt screen displays an entire episode of 2 and a Half Men juxtaposed with the soundtrack to two obese Spanish senior citizens having intercourse). I’m confident that neither Mom nor Dad will make it through this grueling obstacle, so I’m pretty sure the following sentiments will live forever.

As you may know, I was once a JUICEBOXdotcom contributor. My name is still listed on the contributors page, although I’m sure at this point it’s only for posterity. During my time as a regular JUICEBOX writer, I fell into a deep, dark pit of righteousness. I was up on my high horse nightly, making fun of goth people and trivializing the very universal humour of a popular television sitcom. Soon I found myself declining to participate in any event that had nothing to do with “fun rad sexy times,” and I alienated myself from anyone who couldn’t give me mind/body boners. My ego took over, and I was left friendless, penniless, and still maintaining a small, tiny, tiny penis.

Through my darkest days, and most grungy of moments, I am reborn, the phoenix in the flames. Having been willingly excommunicated from the JUICEBOXdotcom fold, I am here today to share with you a startling revelation: JUICEBOXdotcom HATE THEIR READERSHIP.

But, I kid you not — they do it for a reason.

First, let me share with you some excerpts. When read in succession, the gradual degradation will really shine through in your mind:

“[K]ids half your age have done things way more impressive than you. Way to go, loser.”
from “Because your kids have better things to do than listen to Sharon, Lois and Bram condescend to them about elephants” – Suzanne Sutherland

“The Flatliners, who are awesome, from Richmond Hill, and more successful than you. They’re in Europe right now, playing festivals with NOFX and making tons of money. Where the hell are you?”
from “BANDS DRUNK TXT US ON TOUR: The Flatliners in Europe” – Sam Sutherland

“King Khan is one of those self-made rock ‘n’ roll legends that makes you realize why playing loud music and making up fake names is totally kick-ass. He’s from Montreal, lives in Germany, and is probably cooler than you.” – Sam Sutherland
from “WORST MONDAYS: with King Khan”

“[R]emember that his photo exhibit is still hanging around Toronto for another couple of weeks. Why are you here and not there? Oh right, because we are awesome” – Ashley Carter
from “BEST FRIDAYS: with Patrick O’Dell”

“Patrick O’Dell has essentially built a career around having more fun than you do.” – Ashley Carter
from “WORST MONDAYS: with Patrick O’Dell”

“[W]e give you a regular captain awesome, Toronto’s own Bruce LaBruce. Well, he wasn’t born here, but we own him just the same. If you’ve never heard of him, you’re probably not all that great.” – Ashley Carter
from “WORST MONDAYS: with Bruce LaBruce”

“I call it ‘Ryan Reynolds is a cooler, better, sexier person than you: The Resume.’” – Tristan Loker
from REVIEW: Chaos Theory (Dir. Marcos Siega)

“If you have NO IDEA what I’m talking about, fuck you. Fuck you and every other movie you’ve ever seen.” – Luc Doucet
From “Six Reasons To Go See the Blue Jays This Summer”

from the ‘About’ section on the website

JUICEBOXdotcom has ingrained what I refer to as the “Abusive Boyfriend Upper Hand” into its readership. The reader takes repeated blows to the self-esteem, processes this attack, and comes crawling back for more because he/she feels worthless and desperate. Thus, a reluctant loyalty is born in the readers of JUICEBOXdotcom.

I was once a proprietor of this tactic (read: fuzzy goths), and while I make no excuses for it now, I plan on sharing the stories of those who have felt compromised by the gross mistreatment of this website.

“When I read juice box, it reminds me of my failure at my fifth grade spelling bee” – Andrea Marechaux

“After reading this, I felt like Sarah Palin after she found out her daughter was pregnant and she was going to be a Grandma at 44” – Joel Dickau

“I log on to the Internet to feel better about my crumbling personal life. But when I see the word “boner” used four times in a paragraph that says I’m inferior to a man in a band, I feel like trash. It’s like Juno hates my rotten guts!” – Dave Hodgson

The Government has been informed of this misuse of communication technology, and with your cooperation, JUICEBOXdotcom’s days are surely numbered. Please keep your head up, and be confident. Self-assuredness is the best defense against JUICEBOXdotcom. If you are experiencing Self-Esteem issues related to reading JUICEBOXdotcom, Doctors are recommending a heavy dosage of laughter and foolishness.

But if you want the opposite, you can try www.funtimeinternet.com.

Hold tight, Comrades. We’re all in this together.

End transmission.

Posted on September 13, 2008 by | Old Stuff | 3 Comments »| Tags:

3 Responses »

  1. Rude dig at FunTimeInternet.
    Shame on you.
    I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
    While jacking off listening to… a band that I’ve never heard of.

  2. really? H&M is your choice of offensive hipster apparel? really, actually?

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