REVIEW: Never Back Down (Dir. Jeff Wadlow)

neverbackdown.jpgDo you like The Karate Kid? Me too, kind of. See, I like the story but I hate good acting. That’s why I love Never Back Down. Ralph Macchio is like the coolest child actor ever, and that’s lame. Thankfully, the producers solved this problem in their retooling of this classic story by casting Kevin Williamson, Josh Shwartz, and David E. Kelly’s leftovers. Brilliant.

Another brilliant move was casting a katrillion extras that are about a hundred times sexier than the principle actors so you don’t even notice the shitty performances. But do the performances even matter in a movie like this? No. They don’t. What really matters is if it kicks ass or not. And it does. It kicks ass in a way that makes you feel like it’s the first day of summer and you just know that this is the year you are going to lose your virginity. This movie is seriously all the awesomeness (and all the plot points) of The Karate Kid with thousands of perfect tits in every shot. Come to think of it, this is probably the best movie ever made.

It also promotes a really irresponsible social message about solving all of your problems with violence, which I totally respect. I even hope to one day actually be in a fight. I think I would feel really good about myself afterwards. Never Back Down plays out my ultimate fantasy of being able to kick the shit out of some guy and be totally vindicated in doing so because he messed with my chick or talked shit about my dead father, both of which happen in this film. I think all pussies secretly have this fantasy.

In the case of Never Back Down the antagonist is the guy that killed Marrissa on the O.C. so you instantly hate him and it works great as a cross over for all those who want to see Volchok finally get his up and cummins. I know it sounds like I’m being sarcastic but I’m not. In the future, having seen this movie will be criteria for applying to vote, it’s that important. The future is going to be violent, and sexy, and we will worship mixed martial artists. (Summit Entertainment)

Posted on May 10, 2008 by | Film, Hits & Misses | 8 Comments »| Tags:

8 Responses »

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