The Life of Mammals. The Life of Birds. The Trials of Life. Get it? Good. The BBC is seriously into life. Not just any ordinary old life, I’m talking the best of the best: whales, gorillas, phytoplankton and parrots. You would think that the solid gold animals that make up these documentary series would make them enjoyable or entertaining to watch. You’d be wrong.

See, I love animals. I love fish, and kangaroos and all the problems associated with being them. However, after watching roughly 17 hours, no shitting, of animals being themselves and eating each other you start to realize something. What the hell is the point? I mean, it’s freakin sweet to see salmon swim upstream — they go through this whole big endurance race to the north to have fish sex, creepy though -– but honestly, why do they do it? It’s way easier to just chill down south like your grandpappy.

I came up with a few possible solutions as to why animals exist and do what they do.

1. Humans over analyze animals and forget that they are animals. We assume that we are better than animals but really, we just want to do animal stuff and have sex too.

2. We would be totally fucked without them.

3. They are reflections of a greater being who is beyond the grasp any human theist or current religion could contain.

4. A metaphor.

4. David Attenborough.

Sitting on couches, beds and basically doing dick all at work I have had the time to come to the conclusion that animals exist purely to be narrated by David Attenborough. I mean, David has practically narrated every animal there is. He narrated two whales into eating each other. Seriously, I saw it. He even narrated a polar bear into catching a beluga. It doesn’t take a genius to put this together.

While being initially interesting, David has worn me thin. He really likes to narrate animals doing the same thing. Watch any random clip from the above documentaries and I can guarantee that it will go as follows: David narrates the prey into the scene. He brings in the predator. He then proceeds to show off his dramatic skills by either a) allowing the weaker animal to get away, or b) allowing the kinetic carnage to ensue. Yes, the animals may look different, but being guided by Attenborough (pure id) they all end up doing the same thing.

Bottom line, watch one, watch ‘em all.

BBC LIFE SERIES: 7 Social Climbing Monkeys out of 11.