[Ed.'s note: this was received with a note from Chris Nash that read: "Here's your fucking Joan Crawford. Six typed pages of it. People need to know this stuff." And now we give it to you, gentle reader.]

I wasn’t a fan of Joan Crawford when I watched this collection. Other than Mildred Peirce, I hadn’t seen any of her movies, and she didn’t strike me as anything special.

So I figured, why not get to know the lady? She seems like a nice old lady; like she’d give me candy just for walking by her house on my way to school. And this is supposed to be a collection of her best movies, right? Well, being vol. 2, I guess it’s her best movies numbers six through ten… but there’s got to be some gems in there. I mean, the sixth best Dolph Lundren movie is Army of One -– and Army of One is pretty great.

This collection contains the films A Woman’s Face, Sadie McKee, Flamingo Road, Strange Cargo, and Torch Song. The set itself is top notch; every movie is on its own disc (no double-sided nonsense, where one side is a movie and the other side is a bunch of scratches with ‘side 2’ printed on it) and each movie comes with a cartoon (which are amazingly restored and colourful as fuck) and either a short documentary about the film, a related newsreel short, and other related odds and ends.

Torch Song
We learn from ‘Tough Baby’–– the bonus feature documentary about Torch Song — that it’s a musical constructed from songs written for (but not good enough to be used in) other musicals of the era. This film is literally garbage. It tells the story of an older actress who is bitter at her aging face and takes it out on everyone. After going through numerous musical directors on her newest film, she finally meets her match in a blind pianist who isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade. In the case of Torch Song, the spade in question occurs when JC and the cast perform the song ‘Two-faced Woman’ while dressed up in black-face.

The disc also has JC’s PSA for The Jimmy Fund, where we learn in those days there were no cancer ‘patients’, only cancer ‘victims’; and, that we should donate as much as we can to them because – in JC’s words – “…this is the only happiness they might have…” She really goes all out too. It’s not like Michael Stipe looking all bored telling us about African babies.

The ‘TV of Tomorrow’ bonus cartoon is a prime example of why Tex Avery might have been America’s most astute social satirist. It’s an eerily accurate jab on how television will/has taken over our free time, and more than likely was lost on the children who watched it. The “thrifty scotchman” television model was my favorite.

Sadie Mckee
In Sadie McKee, JC plays a servant girl who goes off to the big city only to get stepped on. Under the guidance of a streetwise showgirl, she’s fucking her way into high society (off camera) via a drunk and dying old fat guy. As the movie progress, JC learns softens up and learns what life and love are really all about.

What really stood out for me was the name-calling in this movie. Scoundrels are called ‘horse-thieves’, morons are called ‘simple’ (as in, “way to go, simple”); and on more than one occasion JC is referred to as a ‘Thoroughbred’. Why can’t we go back to the days when we didn’t refer to women by their ‘fuckability’, but their ‘breedability’ instead? It’s the difference between saying, “I’d really like to stick my dick in her,” and, “I want my sperm in her eggs.”

The bonus features on this disc aren’t anything special. “Goofy Movies #4” is a comic newsreel that has a monkey boxing match; and as it ends, a faint, double-exposed emblem stating “NRA MEMBER” can be seen behind the words “The End.” The bonus cartoon “TOYLAND BROADCAST” has a bunch of toys running a radio station. It’s not that funny, but the black-faced SAMBO JAZZ BAND is pretty good in it. For a jazz band.

Flamingo Road
This time around, JC is a carnival worker turned socialite who fights state-wide, back-room, southern corruption. It’s pretty much just Sadie McKee, if Sadie McKee had to fight Boss Hog.
The bonus cartoon, “Curtain Razor”, has Porky Pig playing a talent agent auditioning new clients. We may not remember it, but we’ve all seen it at least 20 times.

A Woman’s Face
The movie revolves around JC’s character – a bitter woman who runs a speakeasy/bootlegging establishment. Why does she do this you ask? Why doesn’t she settle down and become a nurse or school teacher? Well, because she has a four-inch scar on her cheek. In the world of A Woman’s Face, this puts her on par with Gorgon. Eventually, the only old man in the world who isn’t repulsed by her manipulates her into blackmailing the wife of a plastic surgeon. Things don’t go as planned, but the plastic surgeon winds up telling JC she can be ‘cured’ (of monsterism). Anyways, after she’s fixed she ends up becoming the caretaker of a little boy in Switzerland (who she’s supposed to kill on orders from the manipulative old man) and everyone thinks she’s beautiful. The little boy even says, “you can’t be mean, you’re too pretty.” Which makes JC love the boy, and now she must choose between helping the boy or pushing him off a ski lift; which holds true to the movie’s theme of ‘you’ll either be beautiful, or the world’s most hideous monster.’

But honestly, Joan Crawford isn’t that hot. And I like mature women. Girl’s aren’t sexy – women are sexy. Who’s hotter – Famke Jensen, or Jessica Alba? Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth, or Jennifer Connelly in Little Children? First generation April O’Neal, or second generation April O’Neal? Women, in general, are hotter than young women. They’re more confident; more knowledgeable about what they want, who they are, and how to get it. And that is sexy. I would push Scarlet Johansen into a brick wall for a chance to smell Parker Posey’s hair. Not that Scarlet isn’t pretty – don’t beat me up Ryan Reynolds – she’s gorgeous. But with a few more years under her belt she’ll be able to melt testicles. That said, Joan Crawford isn’t sexy. The older generation must’ve thought Joan Crawford was beautiful the same way they though cigarettes were good for the skin.

The bonus documentary/newsreel, You Can’t Fool A Camera, is a weird little piece of propaganda about the authenticity provided by shooting things on film. It starts out by explaining the history of film, then shows a few cinematographers of the era, and eventually it becomes a commercial for upcoming MGM releases – including A Woman’s Face.

The animated short, Little Cesario, was the first and last cartoon Francis Bacon did for MGM. It’s about a runt St. Bernard coming into his own while dealing with other St. Bernards; except for some reason they’re all rabid and part monster.

One of the better features on the whole collection is the two radio performances of A Woman’s Face. The Screen Guild Theatre broadcast has Bette Davis in the lead role, and the Lux Radio Theatre broadcast has Ida Lupino in the lead role. Which is fitting, seeing as Ida Lupino referred to herself as the poor man’s Bette Davis. But I like Ida Lupino. For those of you who don’t know, Ida Lupino was an actress who transitioned into becoming one of the first female directors in the Hollywood studio system. She directed the episode of the Twilight Zone where that spoiled family has to wear a bunch of masks overnight in order to collect their inheritance.

Strange Cargo
Strange Cargo is this collection’s Army of One. It’s a surprisingly poetic adventure/drama in which a Christ-like character navigates JC, Clarke Gable, and a group of escaped convicts out of a penal colony, through the jungle, across the ocean, and to the mainland – all-the-while being pursued by Peter Lorre in his regular greasy scumbag role. This movie really took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting much, but the theme of redemption and forgiveness is balanced beautifully against the hostile attitudes of the escapees; and the camera is unflinchingly subtle as - one by one - the auxiliary cast members meet their demise.

The disc also has a short documentary about Clark Gable and Joan Crawford, detailing their history together in film and eventually separation as Crawford becomes jealous of Gable’s relationship with Carol Lumbard.

The cartoon, The Lonesome Stranger, is a Lone Ranger spoof with a sad-sack lone ranger and his black-faced horse. The bonus newsreel/documentary, More About Nostradamus, starts off as a Ripley’s Believe It or Not retelling of Nostradamus and eventually fades into WWII U.S. propaganda.

In the end, after watching the Joan Crawford Collection vol. 2, I’m still not a fan of the lady. I understand the allure of her at the time, but I can’t get into her acting. It’s just too one note. It’s like when the television was first released – I’m sure I would have watched the station identification all night. But, eventually, the programming is bound to become more diverse and I’m not going to find that station identification so intriguing. And that’s how I feel looking back at Joan Crawford’s acting – although appropriate for the time, it’s incredibly archetypal by today’s standards and I am never going to appreciate it the same way it was originally received.