Sexy Sunday Sports Section: 2008, the year that hardly thrilled me
Two Thousand And Eight was another fantastic and shitty year in sports. There were moments that absolutely disgraced the profession and made me want to steal someone’s copy of Twilight and get addicted*, and there were moments that truly gave me that boner everyone else would get if they understood what WHIP is in baseball. Anyway, I’ve decided to hand out awards.
* I am aware that there is a baseball scene in this.
My favorite moment of 2008
On June 20th in Pittsburg (a game I attended), Roy Halladay was struck in the temple by the ball hit by Nyger Morgan of the Pirates. The ball bounced so high up that Jays third basemen Scott Rolen had time to catch it. Try and put that on a Chuck Norris list.
A close 2nd: Alex Ovechkin proclaiming upon receiving the key to Washington DC “Today I am President… no speed limit!”
The World/America’s favourite moment of 2008
People love records. Even ones they can’t really relate to. I mean, I wish I knew how hard it was to win the 100 metre butterfly or 100 metre sprint at the Olympics… but I don’t. The media does however, and the Michael Phelps/Usain Bolt dominating the spotlight in Beijing takes the top spot.
A distant 2nd: Tiger winning the 2008 US Open with basically one leg.
My least favorite moment of 2008
At some point in April, I sat in the Rogers Centre for over 5 hours as the game went to 14 fucking innings and past midnight. You know who lost the game for the Jays? The $82.5 million man himself, AJ fucking Burnett. I’m gonna throw a fucking anthrax paper airplane at you when you come back.
Biggest Vagin of 2008
Oh god. There are way too many 2008 vagins, all with excellent justification for this honour. I’ll go with what the general public hates the most… they hate cheaters, they hate potty-mouths, rebels, wife beaters, Madonna fuckers, etc. But above all, we all really fucking hate people who don’t treat their animals right, and that’s YOU Michael Vick.
Soggy 2nds: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Plaxico Burress, Sean Avery, Barry Melrose, Stephon Marbury, Alex Rodriguez, and the entire Chinese gymnastics team.
Best Sports Related Film of 2008
Outlook on the New Year
We all know that no matter how many of your friends got married, had a baby, graduated from college, got a job at Urban Outfitters, used Boba Fett to get laid, and lost their virginity, you will always remember 2008 as the year everyone’s parents lost a fuckload of money.
The ripple effects of the meltdown are not yet apparent in the sports world (thanks to the Yankees), as salaries are already set before seasons begin. But it will be felt. Clubs will lose money and fans. Some may even fold. The NHL might lose a few teams, or they could see resurgence as Americans seek cheaper entertainment (an NHL game in Phoenix costs $9 versus $24 for the NBA).
Basically, I expect the plot from Baseketball to take full effect by 2009. All those dudes from Yo Mama with Wilmer Valderama will have full time jobs.
My football team for the week
I told all you faithful readers (mom) that this column would return in week 17, and has it ever! My team this week is the Detroit Lions, the only bright spot for all those auto workers!