Sexy Sunday Sports Section: September 21, 2008
This week in sports history
On September 21, 2001, A-Rod (Alexander Rodriguez, pictured above with a purse), hit his 47th home run of the season and tied the major league record for dingers in a season by a shortstop. The record dated back to 1958, to Ernie Banks of the Cubs. You may remember Alex from such instances as his recent divorce scandal, in which he cheated on his wife with sexy grandma Madonna, and from a scandal last year right here in Toronto, where he brought home a stripper he met at the Brass Rail. He may suck huge balls in the playoffs, but he makes $27.5 million a year (that’s about $38,580 per at bat), so whatever, I’d suck his dick.
Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Rays held off the Red Sox to retain the lead in the AL East with 12 games to go. In English: The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox have the two highest payrolls in baseball, BY FAR. But this year, Tampa Bay is going to finish ahead of them, scoring a victory for all the little guys! It’s basically David vs Goliath, but if Optimus Prime was somehow involved in trying to beat David as well. But David still won. Also, there was a streaker at the Jays game on Wednesday, and on the next pitch Alex Rios mashed a nasty dinger to take the lead. Random Cocks = Happy Rios = Jays Victories.
My football team for the week
Although the game will likely already have happened by the time you read this article, I am calling the Miami Dolphins over the New England Patriots. Disagree? Go check the scoreboard. I dare you. Fuck you. (Note: The spread on this game is 13+ for the Patriots. So that’s like David vs Goliath, Optimus Prime, Lord Zedd, T-Rex, Jaws, and the Dragon from Dragonheart.)
Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
2. Chantal Petitclerc
3. Michael Beasley (no, not actually)
4. Tony Parker (to bang Eva Longoria)
5. Evan Longoria (not to be confused with whom Tony Parker is banging)
What I am watching this week
The last few Jays home games (to celebrate another mediocre season), the Milwaukee Brewers and New York Mets royally cock up another season, and coverage on how terrible the Leafs and Canucks are going to be.
Vagin of the week
Gilbert Arenas. I used to love you Gilbert, but seriously, what the fuck gives? A few years ago you become this incredible buzzer beating hero, then you spend the next couple of seasons out with injuries, and now as you’re about to come back you suddenly decide to get knee surgery? Fuck you man, stop breaking my heart. Maybe you really are a zero ($20 for anyone who can catch that reference).