We at JUICEBOX love ourselves some Craigslist. We also love the potential for new and lasting friendships. Sometimes when we are just bored enough, we enjoy combining the two. Usually when Greg (above) is around. And mostly because people are fucking weird.

Posted to Craigslist Toronto:

Free: Two Cokes on Ice

We have two delicious cokes in glasses with three to four ice cubes per drink. They are cold and refreshing and need to find a home (your belly) soon! Email us before 1:00 am and come get your free drinks!

* Location: Juicebox Manor, Clinton Street

We legitimately wanted to share these fresh cokes with a thirsty new friend. Look at the condensation on those glasses. And that welcoming red curtain showcase? I’m telling you. Not the cheap stuff.

Alas our posting was flagged for removal once again (does anyone know on what grounds? is this something psychopaths do?), but not before we got a few responses in. Responses that would indicate that we may have been unintentionally propositioning our potential new friends. Here’s a sampling:

From: partypooper.me@hotmail.com
To: sale-872104120@craigslist.org

where on clinton?

who are you?

i’m a 24 year old dude.

Score! And this:

From: ms Kitten allabouthilites@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Free Cokes

Am I too late? Are you the guy who likes straight hair?

Yipes. To which Gregory responded:

To: allabouthilites@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Free Cokes

I do like straight hair, but I don’t know if I’m “the guy who likes straight hair”…..

Are you close by? I’m at clinton and dupont street

To which “Ms. Kitten” responded:

ms Kitten wrote:
Nooooooooooooooooo, not nearby, I thought you were… a friend of mine who does foolish things like that. hahahha. sorry to bother you. take care and good luck with the cokes!

Pfft. We had great luck with the cokes. They were delicious, you pervert.

From Craigslist SF Valley, courtesy of our good friend Eleanor:

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM

Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days.

Major adult studio.

Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP

Pay: $2000-3000

No anal required

* Location: LA
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $2000-3000

And we’re back. Thanks for your patience. Hugs and kisses.

From Craigslist San Diego:

I suppose you were windsurfing. I’ve never seen anyone windsurf with a porch umbrella for a sail, boldly charging across the bay like a cross between Admiral Nelson and Mary Poppins. I was amazed — you didn’t just sail downwind, I swear I saw you tacking. You, sir, are my hero. I wanted to tell you so, but alas, I was on the shore. I had so many questions. No, I really only had one question (why?) but it seemed like a really, really good question. Every time I went back, I hoped to see you again, Umbrella Man, but alas, I have not seen you since. Should you happen to read this, could I trouble you for the story behind your brave voyage?

From SF Bay Area:

Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch

For Sale - beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5′ 3″ long, 3′ 3″ wide at the middle, and stands 2′ 3″ tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting.

From Craigslist Denver:

Will be out on front porch at 1:00pm today. Do not come any earlier, they will not be there. Please limit one per person. Do not knock or try to ring the doorbell in hopes of getting an edge on anyone else. NO ONE WILL ANSWER.

I am very busy today so I will only be able to repost how many are left every 45 minutes. Please be respectful and do not make a mess. Remember, only one per person please.

Also, I will not promise one of them to ANYONE! SO DONT ASK. (Thank the “promising no-shows” for spoiling it for others). I will take them off the porch at 7:00 pm SHARP. Do not try to come later then that. They will NOT be there any more. So don’t even try!

P.S. The Stick laying next to the sponges on the porch is not for the taking. It is our families marshmallow roasting stick.

From Des Moines:

From Craigslist Montreal:

I picked up this Jar at my uncles estate sale. It’s believed to contain a ghost! possibly of George Harrison. If you’re in to ghosts and other super natural phenomenon, or are a Beatles fan, this is the item for you.

Also, from Albany:

FOR SALE: CATBUS

I HAVE A 1995 MO’ VAN THAT GOT TRANSFORMED INTO THIS CATBUS. I BROUGHT IT TO A SHOPS AND I WAS LIKE HEY, CAN YOU TURN THIS INTO A CATBUS? SO THEY DID. THEN THAT DAY I DROVE IT HOME. THE CAT BUS ONLY HAS 50K, WHICH ARE ALL HIGHWAY MILES AS I DROVE IT TO WORK 2 DAYS A WEEK AND THAT WAS IT. IT’S IN REALLY GOOD SHAPE AND ALL THE FUR IS STILL ALL THERE. THE STEERING WHEEL HAS A CAT ON IT. IM ONLY ASKING 2900 FOR THE CATBUS BECAUSE ITS REALLY FURRY AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET SICK ON IT.

From Craigslist NYC:

a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you’re psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don’t want to know you
g) if I don’t know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don’t know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I’m worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird’s still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don’t even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can’t believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I’m always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn’t care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn’t care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don’t put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it’s an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don’t even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it’s in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they’ve jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I’m pretty sure it’s ghost bird, and I’m all “it wasn’t me that killed you, bird!” but still the whirring doesn’t go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don’t you know I’m a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I’m gonna beat your ass
y) if this was Gina, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, how many times I gotta say I’m sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again