7:24: Arrive with the Flatliners in Warner Robins, Georgia, a town none of us have ever heard of. The bar they’re playing tonight is called Crickets, and is full of rednecks playing pool. It, unsurprisingly, has no internet and is playing FOX News on the television while country music blares. I am informed by the promoter of the show that this town exists soley to support a U.S. Air Force Base down the street. I am currently sitting outside a closed Liberty Tax Service office stealing internet and watching CNN online while a bunch of dudes in army fatigues stare at me. Tonight is going to be fucking weird.

7:29: HOLOGRAMS.

7:31: SERIOUSLY.

7:36: Things are getting uncomfortable in the parking lot. This town looks a lot like Markham or any vast suburban expanse; wide streets, no sidewalks, an Ole Times Country Buffet, etc. So imagine someone pecking away at a keyboard or watching video in front of a closed-up Laser Quest in Richmond Hill. Weird, right? Time to see if Captain Jack’s Crab Shack and Billiards across the street has internet?

8:03: What’s up Captain Jack’s. The billiard part is way hardcore and doesn’t get internet. The family restaurant with children’s play area and arcade? Yup. Also, all-you-can-eat snow crab legs. But that shit’s $18.95, so fuck that. I’m drinking Budweiser and getting a grilled cheese sandwich. Cool.

8:23: Sandwich is good.

8:25: It’s really easy to forget what this means to people when it’s reduced to me blogging about my grilled cheese and jokes about countries you can see from your house. But fuck. This feels important, right?

8:37: Fuck you too, Liddy Dole. Awesome.

8:38: CNN is only streaming CNN.com TV, which is clearly way lame. Now watching MSNBC and Olbermann’s huge head.

8:42: My very sweet waitress, who clearly thinks I’m a little bit of a weirdo for being the only dude in Captain Jack’s crab shack on a Mackbook, informs me that this is a town whose inhabitants, which the exception of those that work at the Crab Shack or the Ole Times Country Buffet, work for the military. If Obama wins, will fake great disappoint and curse all rap music.

8:45: Warner Robins loves them some snow crab.

8:49: Some kid just asked if I was in a band. Junior Battles has one 17 year-old Casualties fan in Georgia.

8:56: Tom DeLay on MSNBC: “I don’t hate, I don’t hate.”

8:57: My current home state of Georgia called for McCain. If the bearded dude in the camo shirt asks, I’m stoked.

9:02: Arizona is too close to call. This calls for a Bud Lite.

9:04: And now we have to wait until at least 11 to see what happens. I’ll see you in the NASCAR racing simulator across the bar. Seriously, I’m going to go get my race on.

9:10: Virgina and the Bradley effect.

9:30: Ohio motherfuckers.

9:31: Looks like I have to leave the Crab Shack soon and head to the billiards room. I’m scared.

9:32: Overhead this morning at a house in Tallahassee: “Fuck Obama, man. People are all like, ‘Did you vote for Obama?’ Fuck that. I voted for Bob Barr. The one you’ve never heard of.”

9:35: I wonder how the Flats show is going? This long hair named Ricky who’s jamming along with the band (and plays in a great band called the Ceremonial Snips) is worried that he’s going to get his ass kicked for his lady hair and his Canadian tuxedo.

9:43: Did I mention how good the fries are at Captain Jack’s?

9:49: Did I mention I wish I was home to party with Spacing?

9:55: Okay, so with a big ol’ dose of knocking on wood, it looks like Obama could very well win tonight. With this comes a very serious concern of mine: how will I know it’s the future in movies anymore if the States actually has a black president?

9:59: JUICEBOXdotcom’s Ashley Carter reports via text message that the party at Toronto’s Bloor Cinema is “fucking awesome.”

10:05: America, we love you. You’re crazy sometimes, but godamn, we love you.

10:15: Captain Jack’s needs me to leave. Going to check in the Flats show down the big sidewalk-free street and head into the billiards room and see what I can swing re: internets.

10:47: Visited the Flats show. According to Chris, the show is “boring as fuck.”

10:50: I am alone in the billiard room.

10:51: FYI, it’s my mom’s birthday, and she’s a lovely lady. Happy birthday, Mom!

10:59: Here it comes.

11:00: Thanks for the grilled cheese, Warner Robins. America rules, the world is thankful, we just saw history get made, happy birthday to my wonderful mother, I’m out.