What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!
Best shirt
A plain white tee. You can wear it anywhere.
Best thing to do with $20
Shit, spend $6 on a McRib Value Meal, spend $7 on a video game rental, and watch some Internet porn for free. And you still have $7 in your pocket.
Best party trick
Acting Like I’m having fun when I’m really not.
Best monster
That’s easy. Oscar the Grouch.
Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Someone asked me how I could help their company succeed now and in the future. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Pay me and you will be lucky if I show up on time.” I still feel that way.
At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!
You might remember Mr. Chi-City from a pretty recent JUICEBOXdotcom posting. This is where I met him. And after watching his viral video sensation Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked (over 500,000 views, what!), I knew that Mr. Chi-City was going to be the President of the United States one day.
Unlike many of the Worst Monday/Best Friday spotlights, Mr. Chi-City isn’t known for any particular talent. He doesn’t draw comics, he doesn’t play in a band, and he most certainly doesn’t wrestle on any kind of professional level. Mr. Chi-City has captured a league of Youtubers with a brave and refreshing level of realness. He spouts one iconic catchphrase after another (my personal favourite being, “you breathin’ heavy as hellll, I know you hungry”) under a cloak of anonymity.
Chi-City brings a message of hope to everyone working a joe-job that they hate, reminding us to get money, and get paid. His POV-Camera style is his bat-suit, his charm is his utility belt, and his delightful Eddie-Murphy-style cackle rings out in the night like an illuminated bat-signal reassuring us that someone is out there working for the people. On the worst of Mondays, I present to you Mr. Seven Sixty-Three, the Dollar Menu Millionaire himself. . . Mr. Chi-City.
Worst day-job
Working at Burger King. The damn french fry grease would burn my hands every day. And 83% of the staff didn’t speak English. But I did learn a lot of Spanish that summer.
Worst haircut
When I was in Washington D.C., the barber had my hairline so far back, I looked like Terry Bradshaw for real.
Worst subculture
What does subculture mean??
Worst date
This chick ate almost $56 worth of Reb Lobster, and then decided she didn’t know me well enough to give me any vagina. It was the worst date ever.
Worst invention
Vibrating dildos. It’s unfair to the male species. We can’t compete.
Worst purchase
Vanessa Del Rio porn auto biography. There wasn’t enough sex in it like i thought it would be. That shit was a waste of $400 dollars.
Worst way to die
I would say the worst way to die would have to be… from a heart attack. While in the middle of a homosexual experimental night. Because the next day everyone is gonna think you died while doing something kind of gay.
