Posted on November 20, 2008 by Sam Sutherland
IT’S STREAMING RIGHT NOW! QUICK BEFORE THE JOKE’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!
IT’S STREAMING RIGHT NOW! QUICK BEFORE THE JOKE’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!
This shit is crazy.
7:24: Arrive with the Flatliners in Warner Robins, Georgia, a town none of us have ever heard of. The bar they’re playing tonight is called Crickets, and is full of rednecks playing pool. It, unsurprisingly, has no internet and is playing FOX News on the television while country music blares. I am informed by the promoter of the show that this town exists soley to support a U.S. Air Force Base down the street. I am currently sitting outside a closed Liberty Tax Service office stealing internet and watching CNN online while a bunch of dudes in army fatigues stare at me. Tonight is going to be fucking weird.
7:36: Things are getting uncomfortable in the parking lot. This town looks a lot like Markham or any vast suburban expanse; wide streets, no sidewalks, an Ole Times Country Buffet, etc. So imagine someone pecking away at a keyboard or watching video in front of a closed-up Laser Quest in Richmond Hill. Weird, right? Time to see if Captain Jack’s Crab Shack and Billiards across the street has internet?
8:03: What’s up Captain Jack’s. The billiard part is way hardcore and doesn’t get internet. The family restaurant with children’s play area and arcade? Yup. Also, all-you-can-eat snow crab legs. But that shit’s $18.95, so fuck that. I’m drinking Budweiser and getting a grilled cheese sandwich. Cool.
8:23: Sandwich is good.
8:25: It’s really easy to forget what this means to people when it’s reduced to me blogging about my grilled cheese and jokes about countries you can see from your house. But fuck. This feels important, right?
8:37: Fuck you too, Liddy Dole. Awesome.
8:38: CNN is only streaming CNN.com TV, which is clearly way lame. Now watching MSNBC and Olbermann’s huge head.
8:42: My very sweet waitress, who clearly thinks I’m a little bit of a weirdo for being the only dude in Captain Jack’s crab shack on a Mackbook, informs me that this is a town whose inhabitants, which the exception of those that work at the Crab Shack or the Ole Times Country Buffet, work for the military. If Obama wins, will fake great disappoint and curse all rap music.
8:45: Warner Robins loves them some snow crab.
8:49: Some kid just asked if I was in a band. Junior Battles has one 17 year-old Casualties fan in Georgia.
8:56: Tom DeLay on MSNBC: “I don’t hate, I don’t hate.”
8:57: My current home state of Georgia called for McCain. If the bearded dude in the camo shirt asks, I’m stoked.
9:02: Arizona is too close to call. This calls for a Bud Lite.
9:04: And now we have to wait until at least 11 to see what happens. I’ll see you in the NASCAR racing simulator across the bar. Seriously, I’m going to go get my race on.
9:10: Virgina and the Bradley effect.
9:30: Ohio motherfuckers.
9:31: Looks like I have to leave the Crab Shack soon and head to the billiards room. I’m scared.
9:32: Overhead this morning at a house in Tallahassee: “Fuck Obama, man. People are all like, ‘Did you vote for Obama?’ Fuck that. I voted for Bob Barr. The one you’ve never heard of.”
9:35: I wonder how the Flats show is going? This long hair named Ricky who’s jamming along with the band (and plays in a great band called the Ceremonial Snips) is worried that he’s going to get his ass kicked for his lady hair and his Canadian tuxedo.
9:43: Did I mention how good the fries are at Captain Jack’s?
9:49: Did I mention I wish I was home to party with Spacing?
9:55: Okay, so with a big ol’ dose of knocking on wood, it looks like Obama could very well win tonight. With this comes a very serious concern of mine: how will I know it’s the future in movies anymore if the States actually has a black president?
9:59: JUICEBOXdotcom‘s Ashley Carter reports via text message that the party at Toronto’s Bloor Cinema is “fucking awesome.”
10:05: America, we love you. You’re crazy sometimes, but godamn, we love you.
10:15: Captain Jack’s needs me to leave. Going to check in the Flats show down the big sidewalk-free street and head into the billiards room and see what I can swing re: internets.
10:47: Visited the Flats show. According to Chris, the show is “boring as fuck.”
10:50: I am alone in the billiard room.
10:51: FYI, it’s my mom’s birthday, and she’s a lovely lady. Happy birthday, Mom!
10:59: Here it comes.
11:00: Thanks for the grilled cheese, Warner Robins. America rules, the world is thankful, we just saw history get made, happy birthday to my wonderful mother, I’m out.
It’s starting. See you in the morning.
9:15: “30,000 JOURNALISTS ARE COVERING THIS. WE SHOULD LIVE BLOG”
9:18: mccain wants to cut spending, keep taxes low. sounds good!
9:19: obama wants to cut loop holes, stop shipping jobs over seas, sam is whining too loudly, save the middle class.
9:20: US pays 35% business tax, live blogger stopped paying attention momentarily, mccain repeats the number two thousand a couple times
9:21: mccain – “worst thing we can do is raise taxes on anybody”
9:23: mccain wants to tax health benefits!!!!!!! :S
9:26: obama reiterates importance of reduced dependence on foreign oil, renewable energy sources 😀
9:28: obama – education reform, more affordable post-secondary education :O
9:29: mccain states obama has most liberal voting record; “hard to reach across the aisle from that far to the left”
9:30: obama talks more about foreign oil, blah blah blah
9:32: mccain suggests spending freeze national defense, veterans and “several other”
9:34: mccain – 700 000 jobs by constructing 45 nuclear power plants
9:35: ashley carter questions lack of “sandwiches for everybody” policy in both candidates answers
9:36: obama has 800 billion in new programs
9:38: obama says “orgy of spending.” stopped paying attention again but sounds interesting 😉
9:39: mccain war badly mishandled
9:43: obama smiles, lookin’ good!
9:46: mccain – social and economic progress in iraq
9:52: Cadence Weapon is playing at Lee’s Palace next week!
10:00: Ashley reads my first live blog and inspires me to keep going after ten minutes of lying on the couch and looking at Facebook photos of people I went to school with eight years ago.
10:02: mccain and obama seem more aggressive than before, talking about prevailing in Afghanistan
iran and the security of the united states:
10:07: tought direct diplomacy with iran; obama states that the sanction, notion that by not talking to people we are punishing them, is not working
10:09: everyone laughs at my Henry Kissinger impression
10:11: obama why you gotta use the term “axis of evil!?”
10:12: christine shows me her new clothes; our shoes are similar! 5.0 on the blush-o-meter!!!!11
10:13: Christine is now blogging. Mccain puts on his tankini for the swimsuit competition. It looks good, but not as good as obama’s string bikini.
10:14: Obama does the splits and Mccain is clearly beat. He drops out of the election.
10:15: Greg’s Anatomy comes on. Mr. Dreamy and Greg start to make-out. Dr. Red hair gets mad and moves to California.
10:19: Claire returns from the bathrootgmy6bh, has clearlyhm ik6umissed a lot
10:20: CHRISTKINE IS IN DA HOUSE
10:21: M is talking about the USSR. He likes the new “young” president.
10:22: O starts to talk about Atlanta. He is in favour of Jermaine Dupri becoming president of that country. M doesn’t because he is too old to know how cool he used to be and how many Mariah Carey songs he was on and how many usher songs he was on too.
10:23: They start to talk about Fort. McMurry and how much it sucks and how no one but losers want to go work there for their co-op jobs because it’s so boring. O is going on about walking and talking and loving the green party and blowing Fort McLame off the face of the planet cause that country is so ugly.
10:26: ashley wishes there was a toliet under her butt cuz she doesn;t want to talk to the bathtub to go pee. lazy.
10:27: Claitre’s mom wanted to buy a longchamp bag but didn’t and then claire told hr how i have one and then her mom said i was cool.
10:29: claire thinks this house smells like a butt and doesn’t understand boy poos. ashley thinks they mix up the poos and sam thinks it feels gross because he had a lot of coffee. Ashley knows that the poo is uglier than you are. Sarah palin came out on stage and cheered M on.
10:30: Sarash Plalin has glasses because her daughter is a slut and got pregz. She doesn’t .
10:31: Some old man came on the screen – obama made him shut up. Obama is talking about bin ladin and how he is still in cuba. He wants to go down for reading week and probably will since he will be the next president (yeah!) and not have anything else to do. He finished his homework so he could go on his grad trip this year. Now he’s talking about science and how important it is. But they are cutting all the science money and now all the other countries have smarter people to figure out how the big bang happened.
10:32: The next president has to have a nice butt.
10:34: sam thinks that the water is hot right now. he doesnt’ have any balls because he is weird.
10:35: Obama’s father came from congo. He wants us all to try and make it the best we can. This is also what Obama wants for ius. He thinks the next president has to do this to keep cananda safe.
10:36: M BRINGS UP THE WHOLE PRISON THING. He misses his roommate.
DEBATE OVER. bye.
And we’re back…
Everyone’s favourite really loud PBS guy is sort-of in almost-trouble again for being just a teensy bit racist during this weekend’s The McLaughlin Group (I know this is old news to every JUICEBOXdotcom reader, all of whom TiVo the fuck out of PBS at all times, so, sorry). You’d think the guy would have learned his lesson after making the statement (well, he was yelling) that “Warren G. Harding was a negro!” but it looks like that wasn’t enough.
In a discussion about Rev. Jesse Jackson’s FOX-News-boner-inducing comments that Barack Obama is talking down to black people and he’d like to “cut his nuts out,” McLaughlin called Obama an “Oreo,” which, for my mom, means a black person who is “white” on the inside (also presumably delicious and craved by pregnant women), and isn’t a terribly nice or not-racist thing for an old white man to say.
A spokesperson for the show keeps telling everyone McLaughlin was expressing Jackson’s views, not his own, but let’s not forget this guy was in the Nixon administration. So, he’s probably a douche.