Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Australians! Volume Two

Posted on December 5, 2008 by

Alright, everyone who’s sick of the rampant takeover of this website by my Canadian Political Fury, I’m sorry. Get ready for more. But this time, politics has booze! So, you love it. Also, I’m not really sorry.

We here at JUICEBOXdotcom have never tried to hide the fact that we think all Australians are totally nuts. To drive this point home, it looks like they’re considering installing breathalyzers in their parliament. Because shit like this keeps happening:

“State police minister Matt Brown was dumped from his portfolio in September after allegedly “dirty” dancing in his underwear over the chest of a female colleague after a drunken post-budget office party.”

Awesome. Totally awesome. And, you know:

“New South Wales state lawmaker Andrew Fraser resigned from his conservative opposition frontbench role after shoving a female colleague in the wake of Christmas party celebrations.”

Apparently Sydney’s Daily Telegraph started calling for breath-testing politicians before they enter parliament, and now they might get their wish. Good job, England. You didn’t have anywhere better to put a penal colony in the 1700s?

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WOOO, NO PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on December 4, 2008 by

UGH

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IS EVERYONE JUST A DICK?

Posted on December 3, 2008 by

Alright, so in the interest of just really driving home my fury over the gross mismanagement of our country during a time of global crisis: this.

The Globe has reportedly obtained a document which indicates that, in 2000, the federal Conservatives, Canadian Alliance, and Bloc Québécois plotted to form a coalition to defeat Chrétien’s Liberals. So basically, eight years ago, the Tories, Alliance, and Bloc were prepared to do exactly what the Liberals, NDP, and Bloc are looking to do right now.

Before November 27, 2000, when the Liberals were handed a big ol’ majority by Canadians, the opposition parties wanted to prepare for a weakened majority or minority government. In these delightful little preparations, they made major concessions to the Bloc, pledging to alter the Clarity Act so that sovereignty could be obtained through a straight 50 per cent-plus in a referendum (the Act calls for a stronger “clear majority”). Plus, Stockwell Day was going to be Prime Minister.

So eight years later, a new rag-tag team of total dicks are trying to alter the democratic will of Canadians by getting in to bed with a political party that literally hopes to dismantle Canada. Except now Harper and the Tories are tossing out tasty bon mots like:

We will have [in a coalition] a mechanism of permanent consultation empowering the Bloc Québécois on every question of importance, notably concerning the adoption of the budget. This Prime Minister, this government, this party has never and will never sign a document like that.

You all suck. Let’s all move to America.

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SERIOUSLY

Posted on December 1, 2008 by

HE LOST. REMEMBER? BY MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF VOTES.

Seriously, this is way, way bogus.

We could only find this video with the sound effects included, so we can only imagine that it was ambient sound.

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Canadian Politics: Now With Almost As Much Excitement As American Politics!

Posted on November 28, 2008 by

Straight up, JUICEBOXdotcom doesn’t know exactly what it thinks of this. In a nutshell, the Liberals, NDP, and Bloc are in talks to form a coalition government which would topple our existing minority Tory government. What? SOMETHING EXCITING, VAGUELY CONTROVERSIAL AND UNDOUBTEDLY INTERESTING TO A LARGE PORTION OF THE POPULATION INVOLVING CANADIAN POLITICIANS? It’s like some kind of wonderful dream. I can’t wait for our “Ignatieff” tag cloud to explode like so much Sarah Palin porno news. I feel so relevant!

Essentially, the opposition parties think the Tory’s economic package is stupid (it is). The idea of toppling a minority government with a coalition that represents the interests and votes of a larger percentage of Canadians sounds vaguely okay. Except there are a lot of people (this guy included) who voted for one of those parties and wouldn’t dream (except in horrifying night terrors) of voting for the others. There’s the politically dangerous move of getting into bed with a seperatist party (even if their social, environmental, and economic policies are basically the same as the NDP). And the question of who would act as Prime Minister. Jack Layton has already nixed working with Dion as PM, which leaves, what, Ignatieff or Bob Rae? I didn’t vote for those guys. And I wouldn’t. One of them was so in favour of the war in Iraq I think he wanted to marry it and the other one ran Ontario into the ground in the ’90s.

Don’t get us wrong. We really, really hate the Conservatives. They suck. Harper sucks, his ads suck, his sweaters suck, his family is probably full of assholes. But (and this pains the shit of me to say), he got elected. Canada is not Toronto. And a centre-left coalition government with the balance of power held by the Liberals is basically a Liberal government. And they only got 26% of the vote. I would love to live in a country where the majority of citizens supported a gloriously socialist, mega-left, hippie government. Seriously. It’s my dream. But right now Canada’s not that country.

Also, I think all politicians are liars. And fuck the police. [Ed.’s note: YEAH FUCK’EM!1]

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Sam Sutherland Liveblogs The American Election From Warner Robins, Georgia

Posted on November 4, 2008 by

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7:24: Arrive with the Flatliners in Warner Robins, Georgia, a town none of us have ever heard of. The bar they’re playing tonight is called Crickets, and is full of rednecks playing pool. It, unsurprisingly, has no internet and is playing FOX News on the television while country music blares. I am informed by the promoter of the show that this town exists soley to support a U.S. Air Force Base down the street. I am currently sitting outside a closed Liberty Tax Service office stealing internet and watching CNN online while a bunch of dudes in army fatigues stare at me. Tonight is going to be fucking weird.

7:29: HOLOGRAMS.

7:31: SERIOUSLY.

7:36: Things are getting uncomfortable in the parking lot. This town looks a lot like Markham or any vast suburban expanse; wide streets, no sidewalks, an Ole Times Country Buffet, etc. So imagine someone pecking away at a keyboard or watching video in front of a closed-up Laser Quest in Richmond Hill. Weird, right? Time to see if Captain Jack’s Crab Shack and Billiards across the street has internet?

8:03: What’s up Captain Jack’s. The billiard part is way hardcore and doesn’t get internet. The family restaurant with children’s play area and arcade? Yup. Also, all-you-can-eat snow crab legs. But that shit’s $18.95, so fuck that. I’m drinking Budweiser and getting a grilled cheese sandwich. Cool.

8:23: Sandwich is good.

8:25: It’s really easy to forget what this means to people when it’s reduced to me blogging about my grilled cheese and jokes about countries you can see from your house. But fuck. This feels important, right?

8:37: Fuck you too, Liddy Dole. Awesome.

8:38: CNN is only streaming CNN.com TV, which is clearly way lame. Now watching MSNBC and Olbermann’s huge head.

8:42: My very sweet waitress, who clearly thinks I’m a little bit of a weirdo for being the only dude in Captain Jack’s crab shack on a Mackbook, informs me that this is a town whose inhabitants, which the exception of those that work at the Crab Shack or the Ole Times Country Buffet, work for the military. If Obama wins, will fake great disappoint and curse all rap music.

8:45: Warner Robins loves them some snow crab.

8:49: Some kid just asked if I was in a band. Junior Battles has one 17 year-old Casualties fan in Georgia.

8:56: Tom DeLay on MSNBC: “I don’t hate, I don’t hate.”

8:57: My current home state of Georgia called for McCain. If the bearded dude in the camo shirt asks, I’m stoked.

9:02: Arizona is too close to call. This calls for a Bud Lite.

9:04: And now we have to wait until at least 11 to see what happens. I’ll see you in the NASCAR racing simulator across the bar. Seriously, I’m going to go get my race on.

9:10: Virgina and the Bradley effect.

9:30: Ohio motherfuckers.

9:31: Looks like I have to leave the Crab Shack soon and head to the billiards room. I’m scared.

9:32: Overhead this morning at a house in Tallahassee: “Fuck Obama, man. People are all like, ‘Did you vote for Obama?’ Fuck that. I voted for Bob Barr. The one you’ve never heard of.”

9:35: I wonder how the Flats show is going? This long hair named Ricky who’s jamming along with the band (and plays in a great band called the Ceremonial Snips) is worried that he’s going to get his ass kicked for his lady hair and his Canadian tuxedo.

9:43: Did I mention how good the fries are at Captain Jack’s?

9:49: Did I mention I wish I was home to party with Spacing?

9:55: Okay, so with a big ol’ dose of knocking on wood, it looks like Obama could very well win tonight. With this comes a very serious concern of mine: how will I know it’s the future in movies anymore if the States actually has a black president?

9:59: JUICEBOXdotcom‘s Ashley Carter reports via text message that the party at Toronto’s Bloor Cinema is “fucking awesome.”

10:05: America, we love you. You’re crazy sometimes, but godamn, we love you.

10:15: Captain Jack’s needs me to leave. Going to check in the Flats show down the big sidewalk-free street and head into the billiards room and see what I can swing re: internets.

10:47: Visited the Flats show. According to Chris, the show is “boring as fuck.”

10:50: I am alone in the billiard room.

10:51: FYI, it’s my mom’s birthday, and she’s a lovely lady. Happy birthday, Mom!

10:59: Here it comes.

11:00: Thanks for the grilled cheese, Warner Robins. America rules, the world is thankful, we just saw history get made, happy birthday to my wonderful mother, I’m out.

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Baiting the Moby

Posted on October 17, 2008 by

Some really incredibly important shit has happened this week. There was an election in Canada that resulted in a minority Conservative government, so, shitty. There was a presidential debate in the States that made some middle American doubebag plumber famous, so, weird. And Frankie fucking Venom died, which is just tragic and truly bums me the fuck out.

But most importantly, Fucked Up played for twelve straight hours in New York City, and at some point, they played “Blitzkrieg Bop” with Moby.

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Juicebox Political Analysts Live Blog The U.S. Presidential Debate

Posted on September 26, 2008 by

9:15: “30,000 JOURNALISTS ARE COVERING THIS. WE SHOULD LIVE BLOG”

9:18: mccain wants to cut spending, keep taxes low. sounds good!

9:19: obama wants to cut loop holes, stop shipping jobs over seas, sam is whining too loudly, save the middle class.

9:20: US pays 35% business tax, live blogger stopped paying attention momentarily, mccain repeats the number two thousand a couple times

9:21: mccain – “worst thing we can do is raise taxes on anybody”

9:23: mccain wants to tax health benefits!!!!!!! :S

9:26: obama reiterates importance of reduced dependence on foreign oil, renewable energy sources 😀

9:28: obama – education reform, more affordable post-secondary education :O

9:29: mccain states obama has most liberal voting record; “hard to reach across the aisle from that far to the left”

9:30: obama talks more about foreign oil, blah blah blah

9:32: mccain suggests spending freeze national defense, veterans and “several other”

9:34: mccain – 700 000 jobs by constructing 45 nuclear power plants

9:35: ashley carter questions lack of “sandwiches for everybody” policy in both candidates answers

9:36: obama has 800 billion in new programs

9:38: obama says “orgy of spending.” stopped paying attention again but sounds interesting 😉

9:39: mccain war badly mishandled

9:43: obama smiles, lookin’ good!

9:46: mccain – social and economic progress in iraq

9:51: BORRRRINNGGGGGGGGGG

9:52: Cadence Weapon is playing at Lee’s Palace next week!

10:00: Ashley reads my first live blog and inspires me to keep going after ten minutes of lying on the couch and looking at Facebook photos of people I went to school with eight years ago.

10:02: mccain and obama seem more aggressive than before, talking about prevailing in Afghanistan

iran and the security of the united states:

10:07: tought direct diplomacy with iran; obama states that the sanction, notion that by not talking to people we are punishing them, is not working

10:09: everyone laughs at my Henry Kissinger impression

10:11: obama why you gotta use the term “axis of evil!?”

10:12: christine shows me her new clothes; our shoes are similar! 5.0 on the blush-o-meter!!!!11

10:13: Christine is now blogging. Mccain puts on his tankini for the swimsuit competition. It looks good, but not as good as obama’s string bikini.

10:14: Obama does the splits and Mccain is clearly beat. He drops out of the election.

10:15: Greg’s Anatomy comes on. Mr. Dreamy and Greg start to make-out. Dr. Red hair gets mad and moves to California.

10:19: Claire returns from the bathrootgmy6bh, has clearlyhm ik6umissed a lot

10:20: CHRISTKINE IS IN DA HOUSE

10:21: M is talking about the USSR. He likes the new “young” president.

10:22: O starts to talk about Atlanta. He is in favour of Jermaine Dupri becoming president of that country. M doesn’t because he is too old to know how cool he used to be and how many Mariah Carey songs he was on and how many usher songs he was on too.

10:23: They start to talk about Fort. McMurry and how much it sucks and how no one but losers want to go work there for their co-op jobs because it’s so boring. O is going on about walking and talking and loving the green party and blowing Fort McLame off the face of the planet cause that country is so ugly.

10:26: ashley wishes there was a toliet under her butt cuz she doesn;t want to talk to the bathtub to go pee. lazy.

10:27: Claitre’s mom wanted to buy a longchamp bag but didn’t and then claire told hr how i have one and then her mom said i was cool.

10:29: claire thinks this house smells like a butt and doesn’t understand boy poos. ashley thinks they mix up the poos and sam thinks it feels gross because he had a lot of coffee. Ashley knows that the poo is uglier than you are. Sarah palin came out on stage and cheered M on.

10:30: Sarash Plalin has glasses because her daughter is a slut and got pregz. She doesn’t .

10:31: Some old man came on the screen – obama made him shut up. Obama is talking about bin ladin and how he is still in cuba. He wants to go down for reading week and probably will since he will be the next president (yeah!) and not have anything else to do. He finished his homework so he could go on his grad trip this year. Now he’s talking about science and how important it is. But they are cutting all the science money and now all the other countries have smarter people to figure out how the big bang happened.

10:32: The next president has to have a nice butt.

10:34: sam thinks that the water is hot right now. he doesnt’ have any balls because he is weird.

10:35: Obama’s father came from congo. He wants us all to try and make it the best we can. This is also what Obama wants for ius. He thinks the next president has to do this to keep cananda safe.

10:36:
M BRINGS UP THE WHOLE PRISON THING. He misses his roommate.

DEBATE OVER. bye.

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The Coles Notes on the U.S. Bailout Plan

Posted on September 26, 2008 by

Following one of the most volatile weeks in United States Financial History, a historical bailout plan has been proposed by the country’s financial honcho’s to save the U.S. economy. Unfortunately, when you need political action to tackle economic issues, things don’t always move as quickly as they should. In a speech earlier this morning President Bush said, “anytime you have a plan this big, that is moving this quickly, that requires legislative approval, it creates challenges.”

So, I bet JUICEBOXdotcom readers (Ed.’s note: JUICEBOXdotcom readers who read nothing but JUICEBOXdotcom are oblivious to the rest of the world) are wondering… how did we get here? What is a Bailout? And why is it so important? We care about business don’t we?

So here is the big fat economic skinny: The U.S. economy is in the tube. Some big banks made some big bets and some small people being able to pay back housing loans. Normally, there is a process for approval of loans, but the high prices in a housing boom in the early 2000’s masked bad bets made on high risk loans lent to people that couldn’t pay them back. Signal the burst of a bubble, and unsustainable growth leading to the collapse of a market.

The people who borrowed the money couldn’t pay it back and banks lost hundreds of millions of dollars. The institutions behind the institutions who owned these mortgages (the money) lost more money (somewhere in the billions. Namely Fannie and Freddie Mac, who were holding 80% of these bad loans)

With interest rates high, and lending at a near stand still, everyone was trying to collect, and no one was giving out. The government tried to help with a fiscal stimulus (sending cheques to everyone’s house) but eventually, people spent the money and were back where they started.

Then, some of America’s biggest name banks started going down (Bear Sterns, Lehman Bros, AIG-Look em up). With no one to lend money, and everyone needing it, the worlds biggest economy threatened to come to a stand still. So everybody in the market panicked, which is where I started things.

Confused yet? Good. Now turn on the television and open the paper and follow the bouncing ball…

This week, the biggest names in American Finance (Bernanke and Paulson – Look em up) asked for a blank cheque worth 700 Billion dollars, no questions asked. Congress (understandably) had a problem with giving that amount of money away to a government (with an unnamed successor) that only has 4 months left. So now it is a debate, who should get the money, how much money, and why.

Many people will gripe about bailing out Wall St. making risky bets, and many people will say that there are others who need the money more. The problem is that the financial systems faults lay so deep it is too late not to bail them out.

You’re right, they don’t deserve it. And you’re right, Sally and Joe in rural Idaho should be able to pay their mortgage first, but it has become painfully evident that the American Economy wasn’t built that way.

Is the television on? Are you reading the paper? Good. Because the thing you should be thinking about in the upcoming election coverage (and tonight’s debate) is not the bailout package and the shape of the economy; it is too late and too much has happened. What that bouncing ball should be following now is just the two candidates, and the change needed in the system, not in the shape of its savior.

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What happens when you leave a private account logged in on a public computer

Posted on September 12, 2008 by

But who uses Twitter anyway?

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Too Magic

Posted on September 2, 2008 by

I had dreams when we started this little blog-o-zine (over ONE HUNDRED POSTS AGO). Dreams about politics, and the writing about them. But there are people who do it better and are smarter, and really, when you’re offering in-depth analysis of Colin Farrell’s dong and kitten hats, who cares what you think about, say Sarah Palin? Well, goddamit if Sarah Palin isn’t just such an unfathomable trainwreck of a politician that she kind of makes sense here. Let’s discuss! I’M SO EXCITED.

  • She doesn’t believe in teaching kids about condoms. Her 17 year-old daughter is pregnant. Seriously, this crazy woman supported abstinence-only sex-ed programs as Governor of Alaska. Now her unwed daughter has a baby in her. Awesome.
  • She spoke at the annual conference of the Alaskan Independence Party this year. Their goal? To “become a separate and independent nation”. Weird, right? Check out their polar bear logo. Weirder.
  • She lied in her speech Friday when she accepted the Vice Presidential nod from McCain and stated that, when Congress wanted to build a “bridge to nowhere” in Alaska, she said “Thanks, but no thanks.” Right. Oops.
  • She loves earmarks. Just loves them. But now she hates them! HATES EARMARKS.
  • She fired a guy for not firing a guy who was a dick to her sister. No doubt the last guy was a total asshole. And using the immense power you wield as a high-ranking state politician to exact the kind of justice you just can’t as an ordinary citizen is pretty rad. And being able to lie about it in public and still be named someone’s Vice Presidential running mate is noteworthy. Wait. Maybe this rules.
  • Her husband has a DWI.
  • 7. McCain’s lawyers just showed up in Alaska now to vet her. Like, today. Way to move it, boys.

In closing, this must be how Republicans felt in 1972 when McGovern bungled any chance he ever had of winning the presidency by not bothering to spend some time looking into this guy named Eagleton, who ended up being crazy and ruining America for the next billion years. So, ecstatic.

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