The Recession. It blows. For me. For you. For your mom. For your dog. For the car you wanted to drive. For the house with the picket fence your wife wanted. And for the chinchilla I wanted to adopt.

You know what it doesn’t suck for? Dying while you’re swimming in the ocean. Some major shark attack association reports a significant drop in shark attacks on humans in 2008 from 2007. Apparently there were 78 attacks this past year, as opposed to 91 the year before that. Don’t worry though, the same amount of people died due to the attacks (4).

Basically this association is claiming that because of the lagging economy fewer people are out vacationing, and hence, sharks are not privy to as much of our tasty flesh. Fewer people are traveling to exotic destinations and beaches where sharks roam because they are spending wisely and some are not traveling at all.

You know what I think? I think that sharks are just doing their part. I think sharks, even though we paint them as the devil incarnate, are actually very sympathetic toward humans and simply attack us because they fear humans getting so comfortable under the sea that we start living there. They’ve watched us make films like The Little Mermaid and assume they represent our ambitions.

But sharks fucking care man. They see how unstable and stressed people are. They know how hard it is to get away for an all-inclusive in these hard times. So they are lying back a bit, letting us chill out and live a little longer. They are eating some krill instead of legs (also as a big fuck you to the whales who also eat this krill). They are trying to show us that they have feelings too, and that they know how to make tough ethical decisions. So I’m gonna be the first one to appreciate them. Hopefully you all follow suit.

Sharks of the world, if you are reading, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Well there you have it. I’m now talking to animals via the internet. This is a JUICEBOXdotcom first. And if sometime in 2010 or 2011 you find yourself swimming in cash, riding your new Jag to work, reading articles about my cute new chinchilla, and taking a vacation down to Cabo San Lucas, remember this one thing: don’t go into the water. Because the sharks will manglefuck the shit out of you.

OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT SALE THAT URBAN OUTFITTERS WAS HAVING ON BOXING DAY??? IT WAS SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY AWESOME! $14 RUBBER DUCKS WITH DEVIL HORNS! 50% OFF UGLY KNITTED GLOVES!

Well I saw it, and I stayed away from it and other such sales. You probably didn’t though, and that’s why you’ll need these top 10 ways to save money during the 2009 recession:

10. Get that shit used
Unless you’re really adamant about having a hardcover copy of Twilight with the 10% off Indigo sticker on it, I suggest you consult places like Craigslist beforehand for pretty much anything you want to buy. Or even ask your friends! Or your mom! (Hot?)

9. Walk
Walk to the bar, to your friend’s house, to the eye exam, to your booty call. Or steal a bike in the summer. Either way, you will feel healthy and save the planet all at once. Plus you will work up an appetite for that booty call (also free. I hope).

8. Cheap Films
Go to Rainbow Cinemas, or whatever fucking theatre in your little town lets you see movies for $7 and under. Or look up where movies are playing for free. The movie won’t be good, but its something to do once you…

7. Dump your girlfriend
Ladies beware, if you constantly ask your boyfriend to cab everywhere or to stop making pasta every night, you may soon be dumped. Gentlemen - the bitch has got to go.

6. Revert to College Party Mode
Cheap bars, cheap beers, cheap bitches. If going to places like “Lot 332″ and “Cheval” are costing you dicks and asses in expensive vodka 7s and cab rides to follow your crush around, then maybe heading back to your old digs to drink $11 pitchers is the smart thing to do. After all, people born in the 1990s turn 19 this year! (Gross)

5. Don’t use condoms
I’m kidding. Please use them.

4. Drink Water
Get yourself one of those thick plastic containers Sam has on the end of his backpack and fill it water. Don’t buy that bottle of Dasani or Spritz Up – fill up at your friends house. Again you will feel like you are saving the environment (key words = “feel like”).

3. Don’t go back to school
Just don’t. People always say this is a good idea. Just go take one class or pickup a For Dummies book on the topic you want to learn about. Just like they’re doing at York right now. Zzzzzzzzzzing!

2. Take up a hobby
Chess is fun. Learn it, then come over and challenge me. I’m serious. I’ll give you a pudding if you can beat me.

1. Ditch newspapers, read JUICEBOXdotcom
Check this one off the list. Way to go! Now pickup the phone and tell Stacey you never want to see her again. Then walk to a free movie, moneybanks.