Posts Tagged ‘sports’

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: 2008, the year that hardly thrilled me

Posted on December 28, 2008 by

Two Thousand And Eight was another fantastic and shitty year in sports. There were moments that absolutely disgraced the profession and made me want to steal someone’s copy of Twilight and get addicted*, and there were moments that truly gave me that boner everyone else would get if they understood what WHIP is in baseball. Anyway, I’ve decided to hand out awards.

* I am aware that there is a baseball scene in this.

My favorite moment of 2008
On June 20th in Pittsburg (a game I attended), Roy Halladay was struck in the temple by the ball hit by Nyger Morgan of the Pirates. The ball bounced so high up that Jays third basemen Scott Rolen had time to catch it. Try and put that on a Chuck Norris list.

A close 2nd: Alex Ovechkin proclaiming upon receiving the key to Washington DC “Today I am President… no speed limit!”

The World/America’s favourite moment of 2008
People love records. Even ones they can’t really relate to. I mean, I wish I knew how hard it was to win the 100 metre butterfly or 100 metre sprint at the Olympics… but I don’t. The media does however, and the Michael Phelps/Usain Bolt dominating the spotlight in Beijing takes the top spot.

A distant 2nd:
Tiger winning the 2008 US Open with basically one leg.

My least favorite moment of 2008
At some point in April, I sat in the Rogers Centre for over 5 hours as the game went to 14 fucking innings and past midnight. You know who lost the game for the Jays? The $82.5 million man himself, AJ fucking Burnett. I’m gonna throw a fucking anthrax paper airplane at you when you come back.

Biggest Vagin of 2008
Oh god. There are way too many 2008 vagins, all with excellent justification for this honour. I’ll go with what the general public hates the most… they hate cheaters, they hate potty-mouths, rebels, wife beaters, Madonna fuckers, etc. But above all, we all really fucking hate people who don’t treat their animals right, and that’s YOU Michael Vick.

Soggy 2nds: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Plaxico Burress, Sean Avery, Barry Melrose, Stephon Marbury, Alex Rodriguez, and the entire Chinese gymnastics team.

Best Sports Related Film of 2008

Outlook on the New Year
We all know that no matter how many of your friends got married, had a baby, graduated from college, got a job at Urban Outfitters, used Boba Fett to get laid, and lost their virginity, you will always remember 2008 as the year everyone’s parents lost a fuckload of money.

The ripple effects of the meltdown are not yet apparent in the sports world (thanks to the Yankees), as salaries are already set before seasons begin. But it will be felt. Clubs will lose money and fans. Some may even fold. The NHL might lose a few teams, or they could see resurgence as Americans seek cheaper entertainment (an NHL game in Phoenix costs $9 versus $24 for the NBA).

Basically, I expect the plot from Baseketball to take full effect by 2009. All those dudes from Yo Mama with Wilmer Valderama will have full time jobs.

My football team for the week
I told all you faithful readers (mom) that this column would return in week 17, and has it ever! My team this week is the Detroit Lions, the only bright spot for all those auto workers!

Old Stuff | | 9 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: December 14, 2008

Posted on December 14, 2008 by

This is a special collector edition of the Sexy Sunday Sports Section.

This week we celebrate America and how the most popular baseball team in the world is setting the example during tough economic times by frivolously spending insane amounts of money on pitchers.

The New York Yankees have signed CC Sabathia (formerly a Milwaukee Brewer) and AJ Burnett (formerly and currently a shitty pitcher) to a 7 year/$161 million contract and a 5 year/$82.5 million contract, respectively. Which brings the ultimate question:

What you and your buddy could buy with USD$243,500,000:

-174,820,144 Big Macs

-53,642,384 shares of Domino’s Pizza Inc.

-30,413,016 used copies of Jingle All The Way

-16,200,000 mickeys of JD

-you could see Seven Pounds 12,150,000 times

-6,944,841 copies of Pokemon Pearl (or Diamond)

-6,075,000 sets of the Twilight book series

-745.000 full outfits at Aritzia

-486,000 iPhones (in Canada)

-12,150 2009 SmartCars (Urkel Car) including the insurance

-243 Tim Horton’s franchises

-97 times a CFL team’s payroll

-9 times A-Rod’s contract

-8 trips to space with NASA (or 29 trips with the Russians)

-1 big fucking waste of money

So long AJ you stupid sack of worthless shit.

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way

Old Stuff | | 12 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: Dec. 7, 2008

Posted on December 7, 2008 by

Vagin of the week
As if you didn’t know who it would be. This man.

This week in sports history
Today is Terrell Owens’ birthday!

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week (still)
Raptors head coach Sam Mitchell was fired because the team is supposed to be better and it’s actually worse. Well… maybe the other teams are just better now. Either way, the only Canadian NBA team now has a Canadian head coach in Jay Triano! And it will be like that for at least six games! Six games they will lose! YAY!

In other news, Andrew Bargnani, if you’re reading, I got two words for you: YOU FUCKING SUCK YOU DAZED LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.

This week in keeping your mouth shut
This week’s event is summed up in an interview with my girlfriend who wishes to remain anonymous:

Me: So what happened this week?
GF: Sean Avery called Elisha Cuthbert ‘sloppy seconds’
Me: Why?
GF: I don’t know…maybe because he’s jealous the other dude (Dion Phaneuf) has her?
Me: And why is it bad to call her sloppy seconds?
GF: Because it’s rude and degrading.
Me: How would you feel if I dumped you for Elisha?
GF: Well she’s pretty and famous so I couldn’t really hold it against you. And then she could introduce me to her actor friends and I could do them. Actor friends like Daniel Craig.

This week’s pop quiz
Would you bang Elisha Cuthbert because:

a) she banged most of your favourite hockey players
b) she is Jack Bauer’s daughter
c) you had a crush on her in Popular Mechanics For Kids
d) she was in Love Actually for 4 seconds

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way

Old Stuff | | 7 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: Nov. 30, 2008

Posted on November 30, 2008 by

Vagin of the week
OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT PLAXICO BURRESS AT A NIGHT CLUB! Oh wait… no no, he simply shot himself by accident in the leg (slow clap). The man with the best name in football on the best team in football found a hilarious way to potentially end his season and career. He is now one of my Vagins. Welcome Plaxy, welcome.

Notable Mentions: Stephon Marbury

This week in sports history
Gordie Fucking Howe. You dog, you. On November 27th, 1960, he became the first NHL player to score 1,000 points. Exactly a year later, he became the first to play in his 1,000th NHL game! Also on that same date in 1943, the CFL Grey Cup was won by the Hamilton Flying Wildcats. Can you imagine how terrifying a flying wildcat would be? No wonder they won. Fuck.

UN-Coolest thing that happened this past week (again)
The sports world continues to leave me with too much air in my lungs (you know, as opposed to
breathless). The two worst kept secrets in sports received major spotlights this week: Brian
Burke officially became the General Manager of the Leafs, and people kept talking
about Lebron and the Knicks in 2010. Yawn. Thank god for Canadian politics saving my
week! Ooohh Aaaah.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Your grandparents retire there, and hockey players go there to die. Florida.

This week’s pop quiz
Would you want to date Paulina Gretzky because she is hot or because she is Wayne Gretzky’s daughter?

Have any cool sports clips, articles, or ideas for stories? Send them my way

Old Stuff | | 12 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: November 16th, 2008

Posted on November 16, 2008 by

This week in sports history

Coolest thing that happened this past week

The Yankees offered CC Sabathia (CC does not stand for Canadian Club) a massive contract containing GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY!! It’s worth like $137,000,000. Economy crisis my ass, New York. If he ends up pocketing all that cash, he will be able to make SEVEN trips to space!

The Hockey Team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
I am gonna rip on the Islanders aalll year, baby. What the fuck is this??

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)

1. Lebron
2. Chris Bosh (maybe?)
3. Christiano Ronaldo (as suggested by Nikola Stojanovic, the retard. Go see his show “The Blogdriver’s waltz”, at Second City Toronto, November 30th!)
4. CC Sabathia
5. Wendel Clark in the day

What I am watching this week

Nothing. Its mid season for everyone. NFL, NBA, NHL… who effin cares. Check back for this column in three weeks.

Vagin of the week
Me, for missing an entire week worth of sports, a week in which the Leafs and Habs had a major brawl, the Hawks went undefeated, the Lions continued to eat dicks for lunch, and A.I. went to the Pistons (changing nothing). Oh, and Barack Obama became president, prompting good old Lindsay Lohan to say this.

Old Stuff | | 3 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section – November 2, 2008

Posted on November 2, 2008 by

This week in sports history
It was Halloween the other day. And on that day 45 years ago, Fred the Crimedog McGriff was born in Tampa Bay. I don’t really know much about his career, but his name is awesome!

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Phillies beat the Rays. The game lasted over 50 hours. How? It was delayed midway through by rain for two days. Meanwhile across town, the Sixers lost their season opener. No one noticed.

Oh and this.

The hockey team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
Ok, it’s only the second week of this section, but it’s already pretty obviously gonna be the Islanders that finish last. How bad are things in Long Island? The top news story on their website is a feature about the personal life of their arena hostess Dina.

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. All the athletes in the Guitar Hero commercial combined
2. Dina’s BF
3. McGriff’s Kid
4. Matt Stairs
5. Kyle Osposo

What I am watching this week
I will be watching my girlfriend get way to drunk in the Caribbean. There will not be any televisions. Lots of shuffle board though.

Vagin of the week

The Tampa Bay Rays, for rolling over and dying. Eric Hinske for swinging at a pitch that was about four feet too far. And Tony Romo for being Tony Romo.

Old Stuff | | 1 Comment »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: October 26, 2008

Posted on October 26, 2008 by

This week in sports history
It was a Sunday morning. I went downstairs and Dad popped a tape in the VCR. He apologized for making me go to bed early the night before, and then pressed play.

“Joe has had his moments. Trying to lay off that ball, low to the outside part of the plate, he just went after one. Two balls and two strikes on him. Here’s the pitch on the way, a swing and a belt! Left field! Way back! BLUE JAYS WIN! The Blue Jays are World Series Champions as Joe Carter hits a three run Home Run in the Ninth inning and the Blue Jays have repeated as World Series Champions! Touch em’ all Joe! You’ll never hit a bigger home run in your life!”

The date was October 24th, 1993, the day after the Toronto Blue Jays won their second consecutive World Series Championship.

Then they made this.

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The JuiceBox meeting! (no)

My football team for the week
Is there even any point in picking a team? Who the fuck would I pick this week? The Titans? The Redskins? Fuck that. This section of the column is going on hiatus. It will return in week 17. In the meantime:

The Hockey Team I think will finish in last place at season’s end
This section is the new shit. It’s the hot shit. It highlights what team I think will be the literal shit at season’s end (at which point we will find out how long I have been right for). Thus far, the New York Islanders look pretty terrible. Why? Because they have a goalie signed to a 15 year contract (average length is 3) who is often injured. And because no one wants to play there. And because they have a guy named Sean Bergenheim (which is probably the name of the museum he was conceived in).

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. OJ Mayo (yay a new OJ!)
2. Sean Bergenheim
3. Killian Innerblade
4. Anyone but the GM and Coach of the Bengals
5. Matt Stairs

What I am watching this week
I still don’t have cable, so I can’t watch too much. I try to check scores on my girlfriend’s Blackberry, but that’s about as far as I get. If you would like to start a fund for me to get cable, please contact the editors.

Vagin of the week
Whoever writes the ESPN Hockey power rankings is the Vagin this week. Anybody who refers to hockey fans as “puckheads” and uses comments like “a lack of a win puts the Flyers in le chateau bow wow” has got to be a fucking tool, especially the French part. Fucking Vagin.

Old Stuff | | 5 Comments »


Posted on October 8, 2008 by

This week in New York City sports history

On October 1st, 1961, Roger Maris hit his 61st home run of the season against the Red Sox (fittingly), breaking Babe Ruth’s single season record (although the Babe played fewer games a year). Steroids and Corked bats aside, this record still stands.

Coolest thing that happened this past week in New York City
Giant Killer Shark happened. It was amazing. A dude on the subway thought we were Dave Matthews Band, and told Aaron Zorgel (infamous JUICEBOXdotcom poster) “you look like the guy in that football movie.” I also went 2-4 in the Annual Central Park chess tournament (but actually).

In other news, the Yankees and Mets both missed the baseball playoffs in the same year both their stadiums are being torn down, which is basically the best thing ever. The Mets lost at home on the last day of the season, forcing them out of the playoff spot, and immediately following the game they had a celebration for the stadium.

My New York City Football team for the week
Giants, Giants, and morrreeeeeeeeeeeeee Giants!!

Cool New York City Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Eli Manning
2. Plaxico Burress (his first name is PLAXICO!)
3. Parnell, the guy who mangle fucked me in the chess tournament.
4. Henrik Lundqvist
5. Anyone not on the Islanders

New York City Vagin of the week
All the players, coaches, executives, board members, cheerleaders, beer vendors, all time greats, and fans of the Mets (that means you too Seinfeld).

Old Stuff | | 3 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: September 28th, 2008

Posted on September 28, 2008 by

This week in sports history
September 24th, 1988 was the biggest day in Canadian Sports history. Three days later, September 27th, the IOC held a press conference announcing that Ben Johnson had tested positive for Stanozolol, an anabolic steroid, and would be stripped of his gold medal in the 100 meter sprint at the Seoul Olympics.

In that week, the age of the steroid scandal was born. During this time, many legendary baseball players have been put to shame (Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds), the sport of professional cycling has been reduced to a joke, and every other sport league now has a mandatory drug testing policy. Including golf.

As for Ben Johnson, at first he denied having knowingly used the steroids, but then testified to having doped all through the 80s. Where is he today? Making fun of himself.

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Dolphins beat the Patriots last Sunday in a major, major upset. I predicted it. I am a genius. On a sadder note, last Sunday was also the final baseball game at Yankee Stadium which will be torn down very soon in favor of a new more powerful Death Star*. You can hate the Yankees all they want, but you can’t argue with the stadium that basically made baseball popular in North America. But you know what ISN’T sad? The Yankees missing the playoffs. Cry all you want Jeter, you little mid air swiveling bitch.

*The Yankees are often referred to as the evil empire and compared to Star Wars.

My Football team for the week
The St. Louis Rams. Yep, worst team in the league by far. But they will beat the Bills.

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Ovechkin (getting as much poon as possible before the season starts)
2. Carl Lewis circa 1988
3. CC Sabathia (big money big money big MONEY)
4. Man Ram
5. Everyone on the Tampa Bay Rays

What I am watching this week
Nothing. I am going to NYC with the Giant Killer Shark crew (see below article… and please buy some tickets). Baseball Schmaseball.

Vagin of the week
Lance Armstrong. Okay, your story is real cute and all, but don’t come back. You went out on top – keep it that way! Why do the best ever always make the stupidest decisions? Lance should have at least made something like Space Jam first…

Old Stuff | | 5 Comments »

Sexy Sunday Sports Section: September 21, 2008

Posted on September 21, 2008 by

This week in sports history
On September 21, 2001, A-Rod (Alexander Rodriguez, pictured above with a purse), hit his 47th home run of the season and tied the major league record for dingers in a season by a shortstop. The record dated back to 1958, to Ernie Banks of the Cubs. You may remember Alex from such instances as his recent divorce scandal, in which he cheated on his wife with sexy grandma Madonna, and from a scandal last year right here in Toronto, where he brought home a stripper he met at the Brass Rail. He may suck huge balls in the playoffs, but he makes $27.5 million a year (that’s about $38,580 per at bat), so whatever, I’d suck his dick.

Coolest thing that happened this past week
The Rays held off the Red Sox to retain the lead in the AL East with 12 games to go. In English: The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox have the two highest payrolls in baseball, BY FAR. But this year, Tampa Bay is going to finish ahead of them, scoring a victory for all the little guys! It’s basically David vs Goliath, but if Optimus Prime was somehow involved in trying to beat David as well. But David still won. Also, there was a streaker at the Jays game on Wednesday, and on the next pitch Alex Rios mashed a nasty dinger to take the lead. Random Cocks = Happy Rios = Jays Victories.

My football team for the week
Although the game will likely already have happened by the time you read this article, I am calling the Miami Dolphins over the New England Patriots. Disagree? Go check the scoreboard. I dare you. Fuck you. (Note: The spread on this game is 13+ for the Patriots. So that’s like David vs Goliath, Optimus Prime, Lord Zedd, T-Rex, Jaws, and the Dragon from Dragonheart.)

Cool Athlete Power Rankings (who I wish I was)
1. Man-Ram
2. Chantal Petitclerc
3. Michael Beasley (no, not actually)
4. Tony Parker (to bang Eva Longoria)
5. Evan Longoria (not to be confused with whom Tony Parker is banging)

What I am watching this week
The last few Jays home games (to celebrate another mediocre season), the Milwaukee Brewers and New York Mets royally cock up another season, and coverage on how terrible the Leafs and Canucks are going to be.

Vagin of the week
Gilbert Arenas. I used to love you Gilbert, but seriously, what the fuck gives? A few years ago you become this incredible buzzer beating hero, then you spend the next couple of seasons out with injuries, and now as you’re about to come back you suddenly decide to get knee surgery? Fuck you man, stop breaking my heart. Maybe you really are a zero ($20 for anyone who can catch that reference).

Old Stuff | | 7 Comments »

Top 10 Reasons you will never be Lebron James

Posted on July 17, 2008 by

While looking through clothing from my “beefy” era the other day, I came across a thick maroon t-shirt and pair of light gray shorts. I was a little perplexed at first because, you know, maroon is cool and all, but… then I realized that I had found my high school gym outfit. Ah, memories of how that crest of a grizzly’s smiling face used to irritate my right nipple to the point where it got infected in grade 9.

Now, there’s no chance in hell anyone would ever want my high school gym shirt. I’d even feel bad giving it to Goodwill. A Monseigneur De Charbonnel Grizzlies gym shirt is completely worthless.

On the other hand, the #23 St. Mary High School Fighting Irish 2001-2002 jersey was auctioned for $8,365. It belonged to Lebron James, NBA All Star and “most marketable player in the league.” And the fact that someone paid that much for his dirty high school jersey is not even good enough to make the Top 10 Reasons You Will Never Be Lebron James.

10. The King’s Court
In his junior year of high school (grade 11 for those who don’t watch American TV), he was so good that he became known nationally as “King James,” a nickname that stuck. He was so good that Shaq made a pit stop on the way to Arby’s to see him play.

9. TV Star
On top of various TV adds (like the Sprite one with that afro toy thing), James hosted the season premiere of SNL’s 33rd season. He did a “Solid Gold” sketch and a High School Musical parody where he’s the new kid in class. They’re so great that SNL pulled them from YouTube.

8. King Kong wannabe
This past winter he became the first black man to appear on the cover of Vogue. Not only was he on it with Tom Brady’s girlfriend, their pose depicted a King Kong portrait, mainly because…

7. Lebron=Gigantor=Jaws from 007
Lebron is 6 foot 8 inches tall (2.03 meters in Canada), weighs 250 pounds, and is born on December 30th, 1984, meaning he is likely younger than you. WAY younger.

6. Che Guevara-like rebellion
Lebron was so big in high school (he scored 2,657 points in 4 years), he ended up playing in two all star games in his senior year, making him ineligible for the NCAA (the college league). He went straight to the NBA, and there is now a rule forcing players to go to college for at least a year.

5. His second son is named Bryce Maximus James.
Just shut up. You’ll never beat that. Not even Atticus Phoenix is better. [Ed.’s note: Robert Rodriguez’s four sons are called Rocket Valentin, Racer Max, Rebel Antonio, and Rogue. Eat that, Lebron.]

4. Enough money to buy a college diploma
Before he even played his first game in the NBA, Lebron signed a $90 million deal with Nike. Yeah yeah, you don’t like Nike and their sweatshops, but even Bono would stop whining for that kind of cash. He has a $15 million Coca Cola deal, $6 million with Upper Deck, and $7.5 million with Cub Cadet (wtf is that anyway?). Oh, and the Cleveland Cavaliers also pay him a measly $13 million a year to play on a basketball “team”.

3. He is delicious
There is a flavor of Bubblicious Bubble Gum called Lebron’s Lighting Lemonade.

2. Lebron cares… I think…
During the 2007 NBA Playoffs (in which his team lost the finals), Lebron refused to sign a petition for Darfur stating that he “didn’t know enough about the conflict.” Bad Lebron, very very bad. But never fear, he recently stated, “At the end of the day we’re talking about human rights. And people should understand that human rights and people’s lives are in jeopardy. We’re not talking about contracts here. We’re not talking about money. We’re talking about people’s lives being lost and that means a lot more to me than some money or a contract.” So… he cares, right?

1. Lebron’s favorite high school class was Earth Science
‘nuf said.

Old Stuff | | 9 Comments »

Oh Playoff Beard, My Playoff Beard – a poem

Posted on June 11, 2008 by

Photos by Courtney Kelsey

Old Stuff | | Comment »