Does anyone remember the straight to video G.I. Joe movie where Cobra teams up with an underground race of snake people to release space spores into the atmosphere that will de-evolve humans into amoebas? It’s a good movie. I think there was a scene in it where Bazooka gets hit by Cobra laser fire and it totally killed my eight-year-old boner because it was probably the first time Cobra had ever hit anyone despite constantly firing so many lasers it makes the laser floor of Joe Nightclub seem just as limp dicked as it’s patronage.

What made it one of the only things I can really remember about my childhood is that Bazooka (That’s right, his name was Bazooka. He also wore a football jersey instead of a uniform) leapt back to his feet, coolly growled “you shot my trigger finger,” and then beat the nearest Cobra soldier to death with his bare hands. Boner restored! That’s all I could really think about when I was watching the Beatrix Potter collection. Instead of buying this DVD set, parents should buy their kids toy guns.

Enough about Beatrix Potter though, have you heard that in the new G.I. Joe movie G.I. JOE stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity? It’s not even about how awesome America is! It’s about international pussies that foil terrorist plots using state of the art anti-terrorist technology. I think DJ Qualls plays General Hawk. This is a franchise that used to feature a character named Sgt. Slaughter. Is it just me, or do we not care that the next generation is going to grow up to be girls?

The film’s being produced by Di Bonaventura Pictures. They’re the guys that made a movie about an army of space robots that turn into big rigs and fighter jets, but made it boring. Don’t worry though, they hired Stephen Sommers to direct it. He wrote Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride. Fuck. (BBC Warner)