THE KIDS TODAY: Controlling Women

Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and the Saint Alvia Cartel). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he’s nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

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I, like many humans with a penis, like to have sex with a woman. I love all my friends who have penises and like to have sex with dudes, but this is about dudes who were born with vaginas. The day I get drunk enough to sleep with a dude who was born with a penis, I’ll write about it, but for now I’ll stick with what I know (or have kind of fumbled around with in the past).

One popular trend I have seen lately which seems to be sweeping the nation is controlling women. Now, I get it. I love that Weezer song as much as the next dude (you know the “Laugh for No One Else” jam?) , and believe me, if I could get every girl that I date to just hang out at home and wait in her room for me I would. However, this is a fucking dream world for normal humans (I think plastic surgeons and movie producers live like that but I’m not sure). No other human should be allowed to control the will of the another. This will always lead to the exact opposite of your goal. I will give you some examples:

“Please whatever you do, don’t press the red button” – Most kids will just die to press the red button, and the same applies with controlling women.

If you continuously think your girlfriend is cheating and you are blatant about it, she’s going to start fucking the next tattooed prick with a New Era hat on she can find. Now you’re thinking, “Not my girl,” but trust me dude… Trust me. You have no one to blame but yourself.

If you think she’s falling out of love with you and you are showing your insecurity, keep an eye on her Facebook for ironic mustaches and big Geoffery Dahmer glasses, because chances are some douche is sending her City and Colour lyrics saying, “This song makes me think of you.”

If you seem to be whining about her active social life, chances are she’s out with her friends getting hammered and talking how she’d like to get tagged just once by that same prick in the New Era hat.

Girls will inherently do whatever the opposite of what you would like them to do is. And rightfully so. Stop trying to control your girlfriend. As soon as this happens, your shit is over, man.

The only way this is possible is to make a lot of money and pay high-class sex trade workers to hang out with you all the time. Now this is shallow and loveless, but fuck it. I’ve never been in a relationship that didn’t end up that way anyhow. Unfortunately, until any of us get that kind of money to have sex trade workers on a full time salary, I’m afraid we are all going to just have to deal with the girls we meet in everyday life. So why not just let them be who they are? It will hurt you less in the end.

P.S. You should also just appreciate that a real live girl is nice enough to take her clothes off around your dumb ass and let her be. Chances are she’s pretty cool. Cool enough to show you her vajayjay, and thats a really nice thing to do because vajayjays are awesome.

So in summary, be nice to your girlfriend because most of us will never be able to afford hookers.

Posted on March 10, 2008 by | Articles, Features | 5 Comments »| Tags: ,


5 Responses »

  1. If you think she’s falling out of love with you and you are showing your insecurity, keep an eye on her Facebook for ironic mustaches and big Geoffery Dahmer glasses, because chances are some douche is sending her City and Colour lyrics saying, “This song makes me think of you.”

    holy shit. couldn’t have put it better myself. hate those motherfuckers. kudos.

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  4. My mother likes this band. . . . . . Haha. I can not control my mother

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