Ben Rispin has played in a lot of bands (like the Video Dead and Saint Alvia). He’s toured with some more bands he wasn’t even in (like Jersey). And he was nominated for a Juno for Best Rock Album (really). With The Kids Today, he shares his years of hard-earned wisdom with a new generation of totally sweet dudes and ladies.

Soooo… the last thing I wrote for Juicebox got passed off as urban legend.

Let’s talk about another story I heard recently.

My friend Greg Taylor told me a tale that he heard from our friend Chris Danner who knew some people who had a pet snake. A big fucker like a boa or python. I, for one, am not sure why anyone would want a giant tube of evil made of leather skin who sports the face of Lucifer as a fucking pet. That shit is so far beyond me I can’t even begin to tell you. To top it off, you feed these hate tubes bunny rabbits. Cute, cuddly, hoppy bunny rabbits. Bunny Rabbits aka the only logical and worthy symbol of Christ’s resurrection. Man you have to be soooo twisted to have a snake.

Anyway, this couple, we’ll call them Sam and Ashley for the sake of this story, loved their pet snake. They loved it so so much. They let the little Hate Tube slither freely around their den of idiocy, also known as their home. They loved this guy so much that they would let it sleep in their bed. Yeah, get that.

So they’re growing to love the snake more and more and doing whatever it takes to keep the fucking thing happy. It got to the point where they were feeding it whole bunny rabbits. Bunny rabbits! But eventually it wouldn’t eat the bunnies. It wouldn’t even touch them. Oh no, they thought, our hell mouth of a pet may starve!

They bring the little guy to the vet and the doctor can’t seem to notice anything wrong with it, so he sends them home and tells them to keep watching for odd behaviour.

In the days to come, this ungrateful piece of shit still won’t eat the bunnies. And they’re noticing that sometimes when they wake up, the snake is straight as an arrow, stiff as a board.

“Unusual for a snake,” they thought, and went back to the doctor.

So doc hears that this Hate Tube is still not eating and now it’s maintaining these weird sleeping habits. What does he tell them? He tells them they HAVE to get rid of their pet because it’s FASTING AND PREPARING TO EAT THEM. What the fuck!!!! It’s a snake!!! Who sleeps with a hungry snake???!!!!

It’s like that grizzly man. He lived with bears. How did he die you ask? I’ll give you one guess.

These are wild animals. You might as well try to tongue kiss a lion. So I ask you readers to ponder this tale, as it has all the makings to be an urban legend. And it probably is. But I think I have to believe snakes exist. There’s just so much evidence.