The Recession: Now with fewer risks of dying

The Recession. It blows. For me. For you. For your mom. For your dog. For the car you wanted to drive. For the house with the picket fence your wife wanted. And for the chinchilla I wanted to adopt.

You know what it doesn’t suck for? Dying while you’re swimming in the ocean. Some major shark attack association reports a significant drop in shark attacks on humans in 2008 from 2007. Apparently there were 78 attacks this past year, as opposed to 91 the year before that. Don’t worry though, the same amount of people died due to the attacks (4).

Basically this association is claiming that because of the lagging economy fewer people are out vacationing, and hence, sharks are not privy to as much of our tasty flesh. Fewer people are traveling to exotic destinations and beaches where sharks roam because they are spending wisely and some are not traveling at all.

You know what I think? I think that sharks are just doing their part. I think sharks, even though we paint them as the devil incarnate, are actually very sympathetic toward humans and simply attack us because they fear humans getting so comfortable under the sea that we start living there. They’ve watched us make films like The Little Mermaid and assume they represent our ambitions.

But sharks fucking care man. They see how unstable and stressed people are. They know how hard it is to get away for an all-inclusive in these hard times. So they are lying back a bit, letting us chill out and live a little longer. They are eating some krill instead of legs (also as a big fuck you to the whales who also eat this krill). They are trying to show us that they have feelings too, and that they know how to make tough ethical decisions. So I’m gonna be the first one to appreciate them. Hopefully you all follow suit.

Sharks of the world, if you are reading, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Well there you have it. I’m now talking to animals via the internet. This is a JUICEBOXdotcom first. And if sometime in 2010 or 2011 you find yourself swimming in cash, riding your new Jag to work, reading articles about my cute new chinchilla, and taking a vacation down to Cabo San Lucas, remember this one thing: don’t go into the water. Because the sharks will manglefuck the shit out of you.

Posted on February 25, 2009 by | Old Stuff | 8 Comments »| Tags: ,


8 Responses »

  1. this may be the single most amazing article i have ever read.
    it’s like you are in my head and you know what i am thining,
    thanks man.
    thanks from me.
    thanks from the sharks.

  2. Wow nice info you have here. I hope this will help a lot of people. I will tell my friends to read this. Thanks

  3. Nike has driven world each athlete and offers the best product for it regards as the honorable duty. Nike’s language is the movement language. 30 years have passed by, Air Max 95. the company devotes throughout in creates for each person unfolds the self-opportunity. Nike fully realized: Only then utilizes the advanced technology to be able to produce the best product. air max trainers. The athletic shoes which makes using this technology may the very good local constable convoy mobilization body, Air Max 2009.

  4. Although I don’t like sharks. But I don’t want they disappear on earth.

  5. […] The Recession: Now With Fewer Risks of Dying […]

  6. Mulberry Factory shop could be considered a nice acknowledged name among the huge luxurious British design companies which completely represents the essence of British life-

    style. MULBERRY is correctly on the rights recognized in the world to the label of the brand, achieved as demonstrated in a remarkable sales of higher performance.The Mulberry

    Outlet is sometimes a producer standing within of the sort marketplace that could possibly be identical to 4 vital qualities are craftsmanship, wonderful, the quite favored web

    -site to purchase Mulberry Handbags Englishness as well as timelessness.

  7. The UGG Bailey Button makes a statement, taking the Bailey Button silhouette to new heights. The UGG Bailey Button can either be worn up or cuffed down adding a little variety depending on your style. All boots in our UGG Bailey Button Collection feature a soft foam insole covered with genuine sheepskin and have a light and flexible, molded EVA outsole designed for amazing comfort with every step.

  8. Valuable information ..I am delighted to read this article..thank you for giving us this useful information. Great walk-through. I value this post.

Leave a Reply