Top 10 Reasons you will never be Lebron James
While looking through clothing from my “beefy” era the other day, I came across a thick maroon t-shirt and pair of light gray shorts. I was a little perplexed at first because, you know, maroon is cool and all, but… then I realized that I had found my high school gym outfit. Ah, memories of how that crest of a grizzly’s smiling face used to irritate my right nipple to the point where it got infected in grade 9.
Now, there’s no chance in hell anyone would ever want my high school gym shirt. I’d even feel bad giving it to Goodwill. A Monseigneur De Charbonnel Grizzlies gym shirt is completely worthless.
On the other hand, the #23 St. Mary High School Fighting Irish 2001-2002 jersey was auctioned for $8,365. It belonged to Lebron James, NBA All Star and “most marketable player in the league.” And the fact that someone paid that much for his dirty high school jersey is not even good enough to make the Top 10 Reasons You Will Never Be Lebron James.
10. The King’s Court
In his junior year of high school (grade 11 for those who don’t watch American TV), he was so good that he became known nationally as “King James,” a nickname that stuck. He was so good that Shaq made a pit stop on the way to Arby’s to see him play.
9. TV Star
On top of various TV adds (like the Sprite one with that afro toy thing), James hosted the season premiere of SNL’s 33rd season. He did a “Solid Gold” sketch and a High School Musical parody where he’s the new kid in class. They’re so great that SNL pulled them from YouTube.
8. King Kong wannabe
This past winter he became the first black man to appear on the cover of Vogue. Not only was he on it with Tom Brady’s girlfriend, their pose depicted a King Kong portrait, mainly because…
7. Lebron=Gigantor=Jaws from 007
Lebron is 6 foot 8 inches tall (2.03 meters in Canada), weighs 250 pounds, and is born on December 30th, 1984, meaning he is likely younger than you. WAY younger.
6. Che Guevara-like rebellion
Lebron was so big in high school (he scored 2,657 points in 4 years), he ended up playing in two all star games in his senior year, making him ineligible for the NCAA (the college league). He went straight to the NBA, and there is now a rule forcing players to go to college for at least a year.
5. His second son is named Bryce Maximus James.
Just shut up. You’ll never beat that. Not even Atticus Phoenix is better. [Ed.’s note: Robert Rodriguez’s four sons are called Rocket Valentin, Racer Max, Rebel Antonio, and Rogue. Eat that, Lebron.]
4. Enough money to buy a college diploma
Before he even played his first game in the NBA, Lebron signed a $90 million deal with Nike. Yeah yeah, you don’t like Nike and their sweatshops, but even Bono would stop whining for that kind of cash. He has a $15 million Coca Cola deal, $6 million with Upper Deck, and $7.5 million with Cub Cadet (wtf is that anyway?). Oh, and the Cleveland Cavaliers also pay him a measly $13 million a year to play on a basketball “team”.
3. He is delicious
There is a flavor of Bubblicious Bubble Gum called Lebron’s Lighting Lemonade.
2. Lebron cares… I think…
During the 2007 NBA Playoffs (in which his team lost the finals), Lebron refused to sign a petition for Darfur stating that he “didn’t know enough about the conflict.” Bad Lebron, very very bad. But never fear, he recently stated, “At the end of the day we’re talking about human rights. And people should understand that human rights and people’s lives are in jeopardy. We’re not talking about contracts here. We’re not talking about money. We’re talking about people’s lives being lost and that means a lot more to me than some money or a contract.” So… he cares, right?
1. Lebron’s favorite high school class was Earth Science